Detachment should not be confused with dehumanization

[coolioqq]

We are all hurt, and deeply so. Regardless of who broke it off, who initiated NC or LC or whatever C, we are all human beings and breakups hurt. That goes for pwBPD too. Their reactions may be different from most of nons', but the process of detachment and that of healing should not focus on dehumanizing them.

It is important to understand and accept the good and the bad of our relationships with them. Painting them completely black (I did this myself in the beginning) does ourselves no favor. We can't learn from the extremes - they are that obvious. There is nothing in the extremes to pick apart, learn from and create from. Duality is inescapable and ever-present in nature - we all think black and white when we are hurt. But we have this thing called brain that enables us to create and make sense of everything in between. We as nons have no excuse to keep ourselves locked in black-white thinking. I share below one of the things that helps me keep myself on the road to healing.

As I heal, I find that it is very important to keep a healthy and informed perspectives on things. So, I monitor internet resources where people with BPD share their experiences, their worries, their disappointments. While they may express them differently, you may be surprised that they hurt too. They hurt around the same things we do: loss of the feeling of being loved, loss of the emotional attachment, having no closure when a non breaks it off and refuses contact (I did this and it remains a painful lump on my heart)... .

The point is that we too tend to dehumanize. While it is probably even a good thing in the beginning stages of detachment, it is a "sin" so to speak to fixate on that feeling and carry it on in life. Detachment is about forgiving. Forgiving is about letting go. Letting go is about creating new opportunities for ourselves.

There are several forums listed under resources on this site that can give you a glimpse of how pwBPD deal with breakups. There is one on reddit, and I find it a fascinating source of insights into the psyche of pwBPD:  It is very active. You should probably not visit it if you are early in your detachment as it may trigger feelings and steer you towards giving it another chance.

However, if you are later in your detachment process and want to rebuild a good humane sense of viewing things objectively, as they are, it is a source of fascinating reads.

It is also a chance for a good discussion on this topic. For those who want to, go read some of the experiences (comments to topics too, as they often tell a fuller story), and share how it affected your empathy towards pwBPD, your own healing efforts, and your future judgment.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I gotta agree. I think it's useful to get out repressed anger... . but in the long run it will just drag us down and maybe cause us to take out hatred on someone else down the line.

[thinkingthinking]

I find this discussion a little bit painful. 

My goal as I filed for divorce was to "detach with love", but it ended up feeling impossible.  Any little bit that I gave in empathy/understanding was taken as an invitation back in.  By nature I give and give, so when I finally had to put boundaries down I was constantly called "cold" and "non-Christian".  To be honest, I almost had to think of him as "the disease" for awhile so that I could extract myself from the relationship.

But you are right that it can't stay that way for the long haul.  Now I'm in a period of grieving and I realize how much he hurt during all of this.  It is a confusing place to be. There are days when I feel that it's something I "did to him" and I feel so guilty.  Other days I remember that it was a long unhealthy relationship and consider that maybe both of us have been given a chance to be start over in a healthy way.  I hurt, I question whether I've done the right thing; and for every hurt I have, I know he probably felt it 20 times stronger than me.  If I think about it too much, I lose track of my own need for growth and healing.

[Cardinals in Flight]

If one can, "over- humanize", I think it's what I've done and honestly it's the part I'm not doing well with.  I love this person deeply, I know of the past and what has shaped her to be the person she is today, and being overly empathetic and bringing the abusive behavior back to what actually formed her does make it easier to accept but it's also keeping me stuck.  Knowing she's hurting, perhaps differently than me but hurting nonetheless, I would definitely want to make that better but I know I cannot.  She is far from a "monster".  She is very intelligent, funny, can be seriously dedicated to any cause she chooses, is a master of many skills, likeable at first sight, and I could go on and on.  But unless you become too close as I did, you would never know the dark side.  Detaching with love is the best I can do for her because staying and being her toxic waste dump did not work for either of us.

CiF

[coolioqq]

I find this discussion a little bit painful.  

My goal as I filed for divorce was to "detach with love", but it ended up feeling impossible.  Any little bit that I gave in empathy/understanding was taken as an invitation back in.  By nature I give and give, so when I finally had to put boundaries down I was constantly called "cold" and "non-Christian".  To be honest, I almost had to think of him as "the disease" for awhile so that I could extract myself from the relationship.

But you are right that it can't stay that way for the long haul.  Now I'm in a period of grieving and I realize how much he hurt during all of this.  It is a confusing place to be. There are days when I feel that it's something I "did to him" and I feel so guilty.  Other days I remember that it was a long unhealthy relationship and consider that maybe both of us have been given a chance to be start over in a healthy way.  I hurt, I question whether I've done the right thing; and for every hurt I have, I know he probably felt it 20 times stronger than me.  If I think about it too much, I lose track of my own need for growth and healing.

I understand - it may be too early for you to even think of this. Hence, I pointed out that this is best thought about at later stages of detachment.

I too had to "hate" her to start detaching - that's not something to feel bad about. You have to do what you have to do to start detaching. I am about 9 weeks in with my NC, and this is the time when I started thinking about how all of this affected me. That time differs for everyone, so do it only when you are ready. Doing otherwise would put you into risk of getting sucked back in.

As for being "non-Christian" and what not - setting boundaries is never a popular move. In her last communication, I too was made sound like a bad person. She questioned her love for me and called me cruel. The thing is she knows how much I loved her, while she was the one in doubt over her own feelings... . I used it as a reason to proceed with detachment. We have to do with whatever means we have at the time... .

[coolioqq]

If one can, "over- humanize", I think it's what I've done and honestly it's the part I'm not doing well with.  I love this person deeply, I know of the past and what has shaped her to be the person she is today, and being overly empathetic and bringing the abusive behavior back to what actually formed her does make it easier to accept but it's also keeping me stuck.  Knowing she's hurting, perhaps differently than me but hurting nonetheless, I would definitely want to make that better but I know I cannot. She is far from a "monster".  She is very intelligent, funny, can be seriously dedicated to any cause she chooses, is a master of many skills, likeable at first sight, and I could go on and on.  But unless you become too close as I did, you would never know the dark side.  Detaching with love is the best I can do for her because staying and being her toxic waste dump did not work for either of us.

CiF

You have a very healthy look at things that transpired between you and your ex. This was exactly the point behind starting this thread.