Wife falsely accusing me of cheating...

[kfifd196]

My uBPD Wife filed for divorce, claiming I had daliances and was a cheater.  I have NEVER so much as FLIRTED or looked in the direction of another woman, since I met her.  That's not who I am and I find it disgusting to be accused of that.  It's not in my moral character.  I am a loyal, loving and devoted husband.  My guy friends and co-workers will send pix of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit & Victoria's Secret Models around and I pass them off, to 'fit in', but that's the extent of it.  My wife is beautiful and I have no reason to cheat.  Is there a way I can contest this and save my marriage?  She is convinced I am not trustworthy and it's a result of her BPD and past relationship problems.  I wish she would realize she can trust me and I am and always will be here for her, but she is disillusioned and it's about to end our marriage... . any ideas?

[rogerroger]

You are in a painful place. Lots of us here have had similar experiences. It is possible that counseling would help, but she would have to be willing to participate. You may have already tried suggesting it.

I don't know the details of your situation, just what I've read in your posts, but here is a possible take on things.

pwBPD often look for someone to rescue them from their own feelings of inadequacy. They expect that once they are with you, their bad feelings will go away. When the bad feelings return, they will lash out at you, criticizing you unreasonably for doing or not doing various things. In some cases, they will do this while also desperately clinging to you as their one true love. In other cases, they will decide that you are not their one true love -- you are a mistake. In order to reconcile themselves to their change in feelings, they may feel a need to attribute horrible behaviors to you (after all, how could they feel so negatively about you without good reasons for it?). It's the idea of "sour grapes" only on steroids.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

My uBPD ex-husband accused me of cheating and was trying to get a lawyer to prove it in the divorce. He couldn't because it didn't happen. By the time the divorce was over I didn't care what was in the papers as long as I was free.  Now that I'm out of that marriage I'm so much happier. I started having to hide my natural behavior because I was accused of flirting, cheating, not beign a "proper wife."  Ugh.  If someone is that jealous I don't think you can fix it.  It's one thing if they have reason to be, but my ex knew me for a while and knew I never cheated on anyone in the past and am an honest person.  As it was he hardly let me out of his sight.  It was like being owned.

[trappeddad]

my ex falsely accuses me of cheating.    in her BPD mind i cheated therefore it is the truth according to her world.          i do not think there is anything i can do to change her version of the truth, regardless of lack of evidence.    but my L says adult to adult behavior (cheating or not cheating) will not matter in a custody battle

[ForeverDad]

Could it be projection?  Could she have been wandering or just contemplating an affair?

If not that, it could be that she's unconsciously looking to build up an excuse to reject you, as in abandoning you before you can abandon her.

In our final months together my ex kept accusing me of looking at other women of almost any age.  I remember one horrible night where she insisted I had to have been unfaithful, into the early hours of the morning, I was so desperate for sleep I almost admitted to anything.  Almost, but didn't.  I knew I couldn't fake the details which she was sure to press for.