odd behavior

[Eco]

I've mentioned this before but I was wondering if any of you have experienced this. my ex refuses to hand me my daughter at pick ups. she sets her down in my front seat then I pick her up. this confuses my daughter and sometimes upsets her. today my daughter was asleep in her car seat and I had to wake her up when I was dropping her off as you can imagine she was not happy from being woke up and when I went to set her in the front seat so my ex could get her she started to cry, I picked her up and she calmed down and I asked my ex if I could hand her over to her so she wouldn't start crying again. my ex took her and said she didn't mind me handing our daughter to her but she still wouldn't hand her to me at pick up. my ex has never told me why she is doing this and I asked her again today to which she replied that I know why and she isn't playing my games anymore  I replied that I don't know why and I wouldn't be asking her if I did know why. she still wouldn't tell me.

my daughter is 13 months old, my thoughts are she is doing this to try and break trust between me and my daughter. it makes no sense why she wont hand my daughter to me but its ok for me to hand her to my ex. very confusing

also my ex claims that my daughter is going through separation anxiety from her and cries at the babysitter. when I told my ex that my daughter never cries with me and she never cries when I pick her up from her. she accused me of lying saying she knows she cries with me, I told her that I have video and witnesses that will prove that she doesn't cry with me. I know its normal for babies to cry from time to time but my daughter has never cried with me during visitation she is always very calm and happy. Im always video taping my daughter when she is with me because when she isn't with me and I miss her all I have are videos of her and it helps. starting last week I started making a video of the pick up, her at my house before its time to go, and the drive home when she falls asleep. I do this to show that she isn't crying at my house or on the way home, in fact yesterday and today my daughter wasn't ready to leave my house when it was time to go.

my ex refuses to believe that my daughter doesn't cry with me, I asked her why she is so angry at me. i told her that she has no reason to be angry at me and if anyone should be angry it should be me because of all the false accusations and insults towards me and making things difficult for me and my daughter. I know this was probably not the smartest thing to say to her by invalidating her. she replied that i was the one who has been abusive and insulting and that i was just deflecting it on to her. she ended communication with me in a way she has done before, its like dealing with a 5 year old she yells LEAVE ME ALONE! i was trying to communicate with my ex that i was concerned about my daughter crying at the babysitter. and i was trying to understand why she wont hand me my daughter at pick up. I decided to quit texting at that point

[ForeverDad]

Back in the early days, the first couple years after separation until our son got used to the exchanges (or accepted the exchanges as normal) we exchanged at the sheriff's office.  It was posturing as victim, though who can say for sure what went on in her perceptions?  When I was picking up, our preschooler would come running to me and jump into my arms.  When I was dropping off, son didn't want to go and fussed, cried and tried to stay with me.  She'd accuse me, "What did you do to him?"  How do you reason with that?

There was lots more than just that.  I recall one time when son played asleep, something he tried to do for a while, and she told me to put him in her back seat.  As soon as I did that she ripped into me, "Get out, Satan the Devil!"

[Eco]

another thing that she is doing that's crazy is when I ask what the reason for setting my daughter down at pick up she says " im not playing your games anymore you know exactly what the reason is" she has never told me.

I hadn't planed on this helping my case but I think this is more evidence of her unbalanced thinking and not thinking of my daughters well being. the fact that setting my daughter down at the exchanges upsets and confuses her and my ex refuses to come to a compromise and work this out with me to make it easer for my daughter. I mean she wont even tell me the reason why let alone work with me.

[livednlearned]

another thing that she is doing that's crazy is when I ask what the reason for setting my daughter down at pick up she says " im not playing your games anymore you know exactly what the reason is" she has never told me.

I hadn't planed on this helping my case but I think this is more evidence of her unbalanced thinking and not thinking of my daughters well being. the fact that setting my daughter down at the exchanges upsets and confuses her and my ex refuses to come to a compromise and work this out with me to make it easer for my daughter. I mean she wont even tell me the reason why let alone work with me.

Focus on making this ok for your D as much as possible. Your ex will do many things in the years ahead that don't make sense -- it's better to just focus on your D and helping her get through the confusion. Maybe you can turn it into a game for her. Play peek-a-boo with her, something age appropriate that makes her feel secure. She probably feels you being confused and upset, and has no way to figure out what's going on. But you can help center her if you're centered.

[ForeverDad]

She will claim everything is your fault and will act as though everything is your fault.  Likely you by yourself will never manage to get her to change her behaviors or accusations.  Only court has that authority if it chooses to act but you can't, in her eyes you no longer have any authority.  From idolization to disdain and fault-finding.  Accept what IS.  Know going forward that you can't trust anything she says without scrutinizing it first.  You can't reason with unreason.  You can't expect reciprocity from someone who won't reciprocate your considerateness, fairness and reasonableness.

Mental illness by its very nature does not make sense.  If it did then it wouldn't be mental illness.  It can be categorized, described and even written up in textbooks but it will still not make common sense.

One way emotional self-protection has been described is to imagine an invisible shield around you, nothing your ex throws or shoots at you touches, it all bounces off.

In my case the court never concerned itself with the friction, blaming and other nonsense.  Even my lawyer pooh-poohed it.  My court ignored nearly everything that did not rise to the level of abuse, neglect or endangerment.  Perhaps that was because they expect some conflict during a divorce while the two parents' lives are unwinding from the marriage and they just try to get you through the process without any permanent black marks on either parent.  The problem is that they expect the conflict to stop post-divorce but in cases like ours it doesn't.

However, even though the court ignored the delays and obstructions, those lesser issues were noted by the court's social worker who did our Parenting Investigation and even more by the expert custody evaluator.  For example, the initial CE report stated "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... . Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody and if Shared Parenting is tried and fails then father should get custody."  (Underline added.)

[livednlearned]

Same with my court. They care about abuse. They'll listen to the bickering (how they see it), but won't do much. Also, if behavior isn't documented, it doesn't exist.

Sadly, you will probably be in court multiple times. Keep things as simple as possible -- denying your visitation is pretty significant. The other stuff, maybe you mention it in passing. But there's not much that's enforceable even if a judge thought she was being unreasonable.

[martillo]

I agree w LNL - does your DD have a "lovey" that is only at your home?  Perhaps a blanket or toy she sleeps with only at your home or a toy that she is particularly fond of playing with at your home - something you use or provide to comfort, soothe, calm or have fun with her?  Well, have that sitting in your front seat when DD's mom puts her there.  You don't have to point it out and Mom doesn't have to know that is what it is but it might trigger those soothing, calming moments in DD's precious little mind.  Just a thought... .    

[Eco]

Focus on making this ok for your D as much as possible. Your ex will do many things in the years ahead that don't make sense -- it's better to just focus on your D and helping her get through the confusion. Maybe you can turn it into a game for her. Play peek-a-boo with her, something age appropriate that makes her feel secure. She probably feels you being confused and upset, and has no way to figure out what's going on. But you can help center her if you're centered.

I agree, sometimes I lose focus in the craziness. I get very protective of my kids, its just so unnecessary

She will claim everything is your fault and will act as though everything is your fault.  Likely you by yourself will never manage to get her to change her behaviors or accusations.  Only court has that authority if it chooses to act but you can't, in her eyes you no longer have any authority.  From idolization to disdain and fault-finding.  Accept what IS.  Know going forward that you can't trust anything she says without scrutinizing it first.  You can't reason with unreason.  You can't expect reciprocity from someone who won't reciprocate your considerateness, fairness and reasonableness

that's the sad truth unfortunately.

Sadly, you will probably be in court multiple times. Keep things as simple as possible -- denying your visitation is pretty significant. The other stuff, maybe you mention it in passing. But there's not much that's enforceable even if a judge thought she was being unreasonable.

yes I see that being the case, hopefully it wont drag out too long

I agree w LNL - does your DD have a "lovey" that is only at your home?  Perhaps a blanket or toy she sleeps with only at your home or a toy that she is particularly fond of playing with at your home - something you use or provide to comfort, soothe, calm or have fun with her?  Well, have that sitting in your front seat when DD's mom puts her there.  You don't have to point it out and Mom doesn't have to know that is what it is but it might trigger those soothing, calming moments in DD's precious little mind.  Just a thought

thanks for the advice, I keep her favorite snack with me and it always takes her mind off of the situation

[Cmjo]

I have to sympathize greatly, my kids are older and in the year and a half since I left after 13 years of BPD confusion and irrationality, i have not gone to  lawyer because it would be just another stick he could beat me with, so I have been bullied into putting up with his continued childish behaviour. Even at the beginning he would drop d10 and S 9 at the gate of the complex where I was staying, and let them walk 200m lugging their heavy bags or trolleys of school books, sometimes in the dark, often crying. I found that sick. Once he dropped my daughter on on side of a busy road, he had seen me in the car on the other side and stared straight ahead so he would have to look at e. Didnt say good bye to our daughter and let her dodge the traffic and run to me. I have pleaded with him, but he taunts me that I am accusing him of child abuse. Yes I am. So he tells me I am a witch. I have to get help, I have no family that will talk to him, and even though his father is sympathetic to me he wont intervene, or he gets bullied too. So I have to go to a lawyer. It will have to get more painful to get better in the long term. And I will have to try to deflect the bullets.

[Eco]

I have to sympathize greatly, my kids are older and in the year and a half since I left after 13 years of BPD confusion and irrationality, i have not gone to  lawyer because it would be just another stick he could beat me with, so I have been bullied into putting up with his continued childish behaviour. Even at the beginning he would drop d10 and S 9 at the gate of the complex where I was staying, and let them walk 200m lugging their heavy bags or trolleys of school books, sometimes in the dark, often crying. I found that sick. Once he dropped my daughter on on side of a busy road, he had seen me in the car on the other side and stared straight ahead so he would have to look at e. Didnt say good bye to our daughter and let her dodge the traffic and run to me. I have pleaded with him, but he taunts me that I am accusing him of child abuse. Yes I am. So he tells me I am a witch. I have to get help, I have no family that will talk to him, and even though his father is sympathetic to me he wont intervene, or he gets bullied too. So I have to go to a lawyer. It will have to get more painful to get better in the long term. And I will have to try to deflect the bullets.

Im so sorry you have to go through that. if it were me I would get a lawyer as soon as possible, that's horrible to do that to children. like others say on here document everything and I wish you and your kids the best

[Eco]

well I finally got a answer today as to why my ex has to set my daughter down.

the only way she would tell me is if I showed her I wasn't recording her by showing her my phone. she claims I try and "cop a feel" when she hands me my daughter. I assured her I wasn't and that if she thought that's what was going on why not hand her to me with her arms out rather then holding her close to her body. oh well at least I found out why.