I was totally objectified by my uBPDexh and my now ex-bf

[TitaniumPhoebe]

I was totally objectified by my uBPDexh and my now ex-bf who I'm pretty sure is BPD too.  Both of them were soo into seeing me look sexy, be a sex kitten, etc., like obsessed with it, but didn't like that I'm not always in that mood.  I know men like to look at women who look sexy and I used to like to dress up and go out more, but now I'm sort of over it and would almost rather just sit home in yoga pants and a t-shirt.  It's sort of insulting to be treated as an accessory for someone's self-esteem.  The second guy would always send me pictures of me and him together and say how hot we looked together. It made me really uncomfortable and I told him I'm not a sex object.  He also would make comments about how people think we are hot, etc.  Totally made me feel icky.   In hindsight, I should have dated him longer before sleeping with him.  He had this intoxicating way that brought it out in me, but I want to be loved a human being, not some hot chick. 

[feetwetfirst]

we are objectified because we are only seen as an object.  I have always dressed a certain way and that was what attracted him to me when we first met but I have always dressed for me and not for men. He would always brag to his buddies... . telling them they were jealous because their wives didn't look like me... . make jokes about lining us up with our bathing suits and see where their dicks point to.  He was always parading... . telling me how I should look for certain events... . what I should wear.  It was never about me, the person, when we went places... . it was always about him trying to make the others envious because it made him feel good.  But it also has consequences.

I would be concerned about your realization that the ex boyfriend might have been BPD too.  Maybe you need to take a little bit more time for you before getting involved again.  I know that sometimes being able to do that is difficult but if it helps you to be in a healthy relationship it would be worth it... . just my thoughts... . never judging.

[Turkish]

It's sort of insulting to be treated as an accessory for someone's self-esteem.

It is insulting, I agree, as well as childish, like the behaviors you described. They are not befitting a grown man.

pwBPD see us as an extension of their fragmented selves, to complete that which went missing back in infancy and childhood. One of the early  was before we were living together. We were having dinner with her friends when she suddenly got up from the table and was angrily washing dishes. One of her friends asked me, "what's wrong with her?" I got up and asked my uBPDx what was going on, and she replied, "nothing!" went back to angrily washing dishes. I asked her about it some time later, and she said the chewing noises I was making were bothering her. This, of course, reflected badly on her, but in the context of her distorted self-image in front of her friends (and these weren't close friends, either). No one cared or even noticed it... . except for her.

This discussion was started by a recovered BPD (yes, Leaving Board, they do exist), and I think has some good stuff in it:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the Non-partner

... . fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. So if someone with BPD is driven by a deep and intense need to be loved while at the same time fearing the object of that love will go away or will hurt him/her, then it's easy to see that s/he will tend to view another AS an object, if that makes any sense.

[sillyhead]

It's sort of insulting to be treated as an accessory for someone's self-esteem.

It is insulting, I agree, as well as childish, like the behaviors you described. They are not befitting a grown man.

pwBPD see us as an extension of their fragmented selves, to complete that which went missing back in infancy and childhood. One of the early  was before we were living together. We were having dinner with her friends when she suddenly got up from the table and was angrily washing dishes. One of her friends asked me, "what's wrong with her?" I got up and asked my uBPDx what was going on, and she replied, "nothing!" went back to angrily washing dishes. I asked her about it some time later, and she said the chewing noises I was making were bothering her. This, of course, reflected badly on her, but in the context of her distorted self-image in front of her friends (and these weren't close friends, either). No one cared or even noticed it... . except for her.

This discussion was started by a recovered BPD (yes, Leaving Board, they do exist), and I think has some good stuff in it:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the Non-partner

... . fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. So if someone with BPD is driven by a deep and intense need to be loved while at the same time fearing the object of that love will go away or will hurt him/her, then it's easy to see that s/he will tend to view another AS an object, if that makes any sense.

I am so grateful to this board as it is bringing to light so many little things that hurt me so much at the time... . things I couldnt understand. My ex actually freely admitted that the reason he is so critical of me in front of his friends and has such an issue about me and what I do in front of them is because and I quote. He sees me as an extension of himself when he is with them. Minor things that I didnt see a big deal in he would flip out over. baring in mind i saw these people often and was trying to become.friends with them myself. But i never could as my personality was stifled. I was once having a chat to one of his female friends about dreams and how weird they can be. She told me a strange one and I told her an even stranger one. He flipped out as "you dont tell people you dont know things like that!"- I had known her a while and it was normal chit chat. She looked confused and stook up for me. Another time i was chatting to a group of 2 girls and a guy hes friends with and one of them was talking about gross things and we were all having a laugh about it. She started to talk about a guy with a cyst on his eyelid and was going into gory detail. we were all laughing. my ex heard "cyst" and came and berrated me in front of everyone - i must have started the converaation because i am gross and everyone is fisgusted by me... . this sorta thing happened all the time. It was one of our main points of fall out actually. wow.

[sillyhead]

He cared far too much of how he looked to others and how I made him look to others.

[Turkish]

He cared far too much of how he looked to others and how I made him look to others.

I'm sorry, sillyhead. He actually humiliated you in front of others. The odd thing to us nons is that they don't see their own bad behaviors as being that, having a shallow sense of empathy in general.

One other incident: we were eating Mexican food with some of my friends. My buddy I have known for 30 years, since we were children. He's effectively the closest thing I have to a brother. My uBPDx got mad at me because I had sour cream at the corner of my lip that I didn't notice. She said it in front of all of us and her disgust was evident. This was two years ago. To this day, my friends think that was totally ridiculous and an overreaction on her part.

It's interesting that your Ex actually stated that he felt you were an extension of himself. I got moments of lucidity and truth from mine from time to time. Bear in mind that their emotions are what rule them, more often than not, and that for the most part they can't control them.

[Emelie Emelie]

This is kind of interesting.  I actually got the opposite from him.  He would tell me how proud he was of me, to be with me.  We just went to a party with some of his neighbors (like two weeks before the break up).  He told me I got "rave reviews".  A woman he really likes told him "Of all the women you've dated I like her the best."  Or so he said anyway.  But he would give me that kind of feedback all the time.