Adult daughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

My adult daughter,26, has recently been diagnosed with BPD. That is what she told me when she was speaking to me.

I know she had problems with depression when she was younger. She at that stage was cutting.

When she was diagnosed she had tried to commit suicide after I told her that I was disappointed in her because of her behaviour.

I wonder if the diagnosis is correct? Because she is now not talking to me I don't even know what to do.

Can someone here tell me if they think the  diagnosis in their opinion is right. Also can someone  give me a list of reading material. Thank you all for your support.

[mama62]

Hi,

My adult daughter,26, has recently been diagnosed with BPD. That is what she told me when she was speaking to me.

I know she had problems with depression when she was younger. She at that stage was cutting.

When she was diagnosed she had tried to commit suicide after I told her that I was disappointed in her because of her behaviour.

I wonder if the diagnosis is correct? Because she is now not talking to me I don't even know what to do.

Can someone here tell me if they think the  diagnosis in their opinion is right. Also can someone  give me a list of reading material. Thank you all for your support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear mama62

She is not talking to you? There wasn't a fight? Is there a way to have another family member talk to her so you know what is going on?

If you look to the right there is a side bar with all kind of info for you to read... . I will post some links for you pleae please look around too... .


bpdfamily.com about BPD (for Beginners)

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD

[mama62]

Hi jellibeans,

Thank you for your information about the reading material. Regarding daughter she is not talking to me or her brother because she sees us as the enemies for trying to help her. My stbx is I think the only person she might speak to but again I suspect he is also BPD and he is again going through a no speaking phase.

So stuck between a rock and a hard place but then we all are.

[jellibeans]

mama62

I think the best way to proceed is to learn as much as you can about this disorder and wait for her to make contact again with you. I would really try to understand this disorder and learn the communication tools like SET, and validation.

Is there a way to reach out to her now? Do you know where she lives?

[mama62]

Hi jellibeans,

Yes I know where daughter lives and I have her phone number but I honestly do not know what to do.

I was in contact with her  regularly until about 8 or 9 months ago. Then she came for a visit and on the day she was due to leave she left earlier than her train to meet up with some high school friends or that is what she told me.

I assumed she had taken the train. Usually she would text her brother to let him know she was on the train or she would call me. But on that day(actually night ) she did not.I was worried for her and tried to call her. It kept going straight to voicemail for about an hour and the longer she was not answering the more worried I was getting. After about an hour she called to say she was on the train and she sounded drunk.

I called one of the friends she was supposed to be with. The friend told me she had missed the train and would be taking a later one. I tried calling daughter after this and she switched her phone off. I was up the whole night worrying about her. whether she was alive or lying dead somewhere. I do not know how I got through the night, could not relax at all.

She then texted her brother the next morning to say she had taken the morning train. Following this I told her that she had to be honest with me and tell me what happened. She told me a story about having a bad night and she stayed with someone she knew and talked to him all night. She said her phone had no battery yet the next morning she was able to call.

To put it simply there were a lot of holes in her story. I detest lies because I had more than 30 years of that with my stbx. At that time she had not been diagnosed. I was very upset with her I must say and I told her that she had to be honest with me or I did not want a relationship with her. I told her I did not believe her story because to me it did not make sense.

That followed with her calling her brother who  would not take her call because he

was pretty upset with her because he was there and saw first hand how worried I was. I have a heart condition and have also had a stroke. I am one of those people who worry about every little thing. I also suffer from high pressure. My son was concerned for me and I was worried for him that if I needed medical help that night he would have to cope with not knowing where his sister was and also try and be there for me.

That incident followed with me not wanting to talk to her. We did not speak for a month. I must admit I was the one who did not want to talk to her. She called a month later at 3 a.m. She sounded upset but I refused to talk to her. I  called my ex and when he tried calling her, her phone was switched off and the landline was going to voicemail.

I had a very bad feeling about this and I told my ex to drive to her place and see what the  situation was. She lives 5 hours drive away. I had a feeling, call it mother's instinct or what ever but I called the emergency services and explained the situation to them. I then called her landlord to go check on her. He lives next door to her. That was at 4 a.m.

Her landlord then called me to say that he saw an ambulance at her door and he saw them take her away.

When my ex got to her city I had already searched out which hospital she had been taken to. She had tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. She was in hospital for a few days and that is when she was diagnosed with BPD.

This incident followed with her saying she would be honest with me and would call me every day to put me in the picture.That was what happened for sometime then she slacked off and wouldn't call for a few days in between.

There have been a few more incidents where she has been caught in lies. She broke her leg three months ago. Her story about how she did it does not make sense. I looked after her for more than two months and then suddenly she has forgotten all that and she told me she does not want me in her life which followed with me telling her I did not want her in mine.

My son read up on BPD and told me the best thing for me was to cut my ties with her. He says he has. I cannot talk to him about her because he refuses to talk about her. My stbx is on a non speaking phase like her so I have no one to talk to.

I do not think I want to talk to her but I would like to know she is all right. I last I knew she was drinking quite heavily. My worry as always is what next? And how do I deal with whatever she will do next?

Anyway thanks for listening.

[lever.]

It sounds as if you are very conflicted, you are worried and concerned about your daughter but don't know whether you want to talk to her. Is this because of fear that you will be exposed to further hurt and worry or are you angry with her?

I found that reading Valerie Porr's book gave me a new understanding of the feelings that lay behind the behaviour.

Do you have an e-mail address for your daughter?

I have found this a good way of communicating as it slows everything down and both of you have time to think before re-acting.

I thinkthat you want to help your DD but with all your health issues etc you are unsure what you can cope with. Having a relationship with an adult child with BPD is certainly a rocky road.

Take time to think and to read and educate yourself about BPD.

Then have a think about whether you would like to reach out to your Dd by e-mail or letter to let her know she is loved.

If you decide to do this I would advise that you come back here to ask for advice on the wording. I had great advice on here about writing a letter without which I would have said a lot of things which would only have triggered an angry response

[mama62]

HI AMBASSADOR,

Thank you for your insight into my problems with my daughter. I agree with you in that I maybe could look at writing to her.

That is something that I think I could do. My problem is as I have no one to talk to about this and if things blow up I have no one to turn to for support.  MY Son wants to have nothing to do with her and if I write to her and she either ignores it or is rude to me or whatever I will then worry about this. My son is very close to me as I am to him so if there is a problem he will know and he will ask me. I cannot lie and if I tell him he will say 'I told you so'. He says people with BPD chew their loved ones up and spit them out.

As far as he is concerned his relationship with my daughter is over. I love my daughter dearly.All I want to do is help her and love her. For that I think some level of honesty is required. If my daughter were to accept treatment I would back her 100%.

[jellibeans]

Dear mama62

Thank you for telling us the background for the silent treatment... . I am sorry you are struggling with your dd. Your son has not given you the best advise and I really think it comes from a protective point of view... . he is trying to protect you from the worry. Your son should not dictate what you do and I would really try and separate your relationship with your son and your daughter. Mama I think you need to see that your worry is your problem not your dds. We all worry about our children but when it impacts our health to that degree then we are the ones that are not taking care of ourselves and we need to be the ones to take the time to do so.

Your dd is living independently? Is she working? Have you read any of the articles here on BPD? I am sure that your dd was feeling very abandoned by you when you stopped communicating with her. This is a real trigger with pwBPD. I guess what I have tried to do is look for the triggers that impact my dd16. I have seen my share of ER and P hospitals over the pass few years. I really had to change the way I interacted with her. I had to be prepared to use these skills when she was raging and out of control. Someone had to be the one that made an effort because my dd was not capable of doing so. I truly believe that when my dd knows better she will do better. The times she has acted her worse are really the times she needs me the most.

You can do nothing to change your dd but you can work on yourself... . once I made changes to the way I interacted with my dd then our relationship got better. With my dd everything was a power struggle and a control issue. I had to put boundaries in place and stop trying to control her because I really had no control and that is what started many of the conflicts. For my dd it is different but for example we would fight about what time to go to bed... . she would stay up late and be tired in the morning etc... . I had to let that go... . I don't say a word to her about her bedtime now... . I say goodnight and that is it... . if she chooses to stay up late then that is her problem. I know this sounds like a silly little thing but this caused many fights and caused me to act in ways that just made things worse... . my need to control her bedtime was crazy... . she needed to learn to go to bed on her own... . My worry was what was driving these actions... . I needed to be aware of this... .

How can you relate this to your situation? ARe there things in your dd's life you are trying to control that you can give up? Can you stand back and let her make her own mistakes?

You seem to be on the fence about wanting contact with your dd... . you say you have no one to talk to but we are here for you... . don't let the fear and worry dictate what you do... . you need to really look if you are willing to do the work neccesary to have a relationship with your dd... . it would be good if your dd got help and I think by being in her life she might actually do that one day but until then what are you prepared to do?

Validation - Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family (52 minute video)

Radical Acceptance for family members

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

[lever.]

I am sort of in the same boat Mama62. My other DD is currently not in contact with her sister and were I to ask for her advice she would tell me not to open myself up to further hurt.

If my DH knew some of the things my DD has said recently I think he would advise me the same.

You need to take time to think what you, yourself really want to do.

I have found that working on mindfulness skills myself has helped me to reach out to my DD without expectation of any particular response.

Sometimes I have had hurtful responses but using mindfulness skills and posting on this site has helped me to bounce back more quickly and take things less personally.

Valerie Porrs book has some great suggestions about how to write a letter to open up communication.

When I first thought of writing I was tempted to explain my position and why I had taken particular actions.

I was gently advised on this site not to do this and to keep my letter a brief one validating my DDs feelings.

If you do decide to write I am sure there are people on here who would be happy to talk it through with you.

It is difficult when we have no-one in "real life" to discuss things with but I find that people on here with their own experiences with BPD tend to have a better understanding in any case.

[mama62]

HI jellibeans,

My son had always been protective of his sister. Both brother and sister grew up in a disruptive  household. I didn't know then but suspect now that my stbex may have BPD. My son had always had his sister's back growing up because he was her older brother.

I think the night she was out drinking and lied to him hurt him a lot. He has always told her he would protect her no matter what. I think he could not understand why she didn't trust him to tell him the truth.

My daughter is in a further education program about 500 miles away from here and she can get student loans for this. That is what she lives on. For the first year My son and I used to send her money when she needed some. Then we found out she was spending the money on drinking and partying and I stopped sending her money. It was not like I had a lot of money myself, but I would try and do without some things to be able to help her.

I do not have the best of health and that is due to the circumstances of my marriage. My ex would  habitually lie and then either say I was imagining it or say I was paranoid  He was promiscuous and that lead to the marriage being quite stressful. I realise now I should have gotten out sooner.

I am trying to read up as much as I can on BPD and this site has been very helpful. I understand when you say that my daughter may need me the most when I cannot communicate with her but I see some else there NOT my daughter.

The only thing I would want from her is honesty. I don't know if that is expecting a lot. I do not like her drowning her self in alcohol but I can learn to live with that.

My son lives with me and I would hate for my need to be in touch with my daughter to in any way damage my relationship with my son. But having said that I think even he would come around if she were to seek treatment. It is because she says she is fine and the problem is with us.

I am still on the fence as to what to do next. If she were to reach out and ask for help I would drop everything to be with her. I never had a problem with her before last year. She and I have always had a close relationship. Maybe that is what hurts the most. I t feels like I have lost my daughter.

[mama62]

Hi lever,

Thank you for all your suggestions. For now I am just taking some time to learn more about BPD. Had I written to daughter, I would have done exactly what your first instinct was  to do.

which was to explain to her why I have reacted the way I have but thank you for pointing out that If and whenI plan to do anything I should ask other people who may have gone through similar circumstances themselves and their feedback would be priceless. Thank you once again and I may come back to you to ask for further advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

mama62

I can see you have already put some boundaries in place regarding your dd... . that is good. I would not want to supply my dd with money for partying and drinking so I really think that is a good example of using boundaries.

If I understand correctly it is her lying an dishonesty that it an issue with your dd... . lying is a rather common trait for pwBPD... . my dd lies all the time... . I really have a problem believing even half of what she says. I think that is where boundaries come into play. If my dd says she is going for a sleepover some place I make sure I follow up with the mother to make sure she indeed will be at her home etc... . I really don't have to concern myself with lies because she knows I will be checking to see if what she says is true.

In the scheme of things these little lies are really not the problem... . it is her behavior. You are right to be concerned about her drinking. Your dd is learning a lot of life lesson right now. She is away at school and that is certainly a positive thing... . she is going to make mistakes and hopefully that will help her grow and mature. You say you had a good relationship before last year... . what changed? Is it that she is in control of her life? I don't mean to be so direct but it would be good for you to look at what has changed and how to repair your relationship.

I am having a hard time understanding how this one incident could cause you and your son to turn your backs on her... . The person with BPD feels judged a lot and I feel they lie so they won't be judged so much and also to hide the shame they feel about what they are doing. No matter how hard you are on your dd... I am sure she is harder on her self. In her head she hears she is not good enough etc... . how to get her help... . that should be the focus... . Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

Mama... . you need to take care of yourself... . are you in therapy? What kind of help are you seeking for yourself because above all you need to take care of yourself. Your marriage sounded like it was very hard on you and has taken it's toll. I still think your son has nothing to do with your relationship with your dd and he should never dictate your actions. You need to decide for yourself how to go forward and that will take some work on your part... . are you up for that?

[Stella1425]

Mama62, i think that is one of the hardest parts for me, the dishonesty. My D30 has always had a lying problem,but was married and has our GS6, and at times the lying was less, or I didn't notice as much. She lies a lot more recently (or I'm noticing more?) I tend to be overly honest and the lying aspect of this disorder really bothers me. I worry about my Gs learning to lie from her and his dad, her ex. I now kind of expect most everything from her will be some variation of the truth. Bad or good, it helps me cope to look at it that way.

[mama72]

Stella1425-

The lying is a real problem with my dd, as well. Nothing makes me more frustrated than the constant lies. It is so hurtful and damaging to our r/s. The trust is completely gone and instead of trying to earn trust back, she just says, "you don't trust me anyway, so I might as well lie". She lies to her T too, which is only doing herself a dis-service. She talks herself into some of these lies becoming reality in her mind. It is so hard to deal with someone like this. If I call her on her lies, it is a trigger and she goes off the rails. Let her lie to me and then she self destructs and gets in trouble. I cannot win!

[mama62]

Hi jellibeans,

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate your honesty. I always look at myself and think if I could have handled things differently. I always question if it was my fault (am I expecting too much?).

I know on the face of it, it looks like one incident of lying has brought this current situation about. Trust me there is a lot more there that made that one incident more than maybe it should have been.

When my daughter was growing up we had a very close relationship. Then when she moved away to college I went to live with her. Things at that stage seemed fine.

Before that she did have problems with depression and she was cutting herself in her teens. I remember her being a quiet little mousy girl. No other problems with her behaviour.

The group she was out drinking with that night were friends she made  in high school. I have never had a problem with any of her friends until recently.

My issue with her so called friends was that they thought they were helping her cover up her lies to me but in actual fact they were not being friends at all because a friend would try and help you especially if they knew you had a problem and were maybe in some kind of danger.

I was going through a difficult time with my marriage when my daughter went to college and  because of all the stress I was under I had a stroke. I was so bad that I was not able to  talk or move at all. I was paralysed. With a lot of help and hard work I began to recover.

My daughter told me to go live with her when she went to college so it would give me space and time to recover properly. With hindsight I see now that she herself was desperate to get away from the family home. She had offers from very good colleges close enough to home to commute daily but she chose a college that was much further down the ranking so that she could move away. That is not what I am saying that is what she said herself.

I lived with my daughter for 3 years while she did her degree. Near enough the time she was supposed to finish college I found out something about my ex which lead me to file for divorce. During the final stages of her studies at college my daughter had to cope with all the mess that was going on between her father and myself.

When we came back to the family home everything was fine. She was at that time looking for a job but in the end decided to study further. She once again wanted to leave the family home and that time she went overseas. Within days of getting there she would cry on the phone to me and say she was not happy. I was at that time paying for her studies. I had taken out loans to be able to do that. When I realised that she was not happy there I asked her to come back. She was concerned about the money I would lose because I had already had to pay a year's fees and also her flight there and her rent and deposit etc.  She knew I would lose not only that but would have to pay a higher rate for her to fly back at short notice. I told her not to worry about the money, that her health was more important.

She came back home and then started to look for further study programs in her own country. She found a few and again was accepted at a couple of places nearer home but she chose the furthest one.

Still I was willing to support her. She found a place to rent and I helped her furnish it. For the first year she was there she was drinking heavily and partying. I put it down to having a bit of freedom and being young and I had no problem with her enjoying herself.

At that time she was coming home quite regularly and to be honest I did not see any other changes in her. Then she started coming home less often saying it cost her a lot to visit. I would send her money for travel if she needed it. I put it down to her having a lot of work to do.

It was what she did last year's mother's day that really upset me a lot. She came home in her words to give me a mother's day surprise. She said she would have to leave in a few hours because she was under a lot of pressure with her studies.

A few days later I found out that she had been in my city for two days prior to mother's day. She had come for a friend's birthday party and stayed with the friend while she was in town. My issue with this was she could have told me. I would have understood.

That mother's day was a second thought for her did hurt me. And the only reason she actually remembered mother's day was because the friend in question had to go visit her mother. I know that I should not be upset about that but to honest with you I am.

There was a time when we lived together when she was in college she would say that she had the best mom in the world  and she would NEVER leave me. She would say that even when she got married she wanted me to live near her. She said she wanted me to be always near her. She would say that if the boy she wanted to be with had a problem with me living near her she would rather finish it with him than tell me to go away.

I reminded her of this at a later visit last year and she said she is a different person now and that I would not approve of her lifestyle. She would not clarify what she meant by that.

Anyway then the lying and more lying. The promises to be honest and upfront and still more lies. I don't know if I am ready to build on this relationship. I think I am scared of what she might do next.

I do not believe everything she tells me but when she tells me she is safe I have to be able to believe that. There is no way of me checking up on her. She lives 500 miles away. She is an adult and I have no right to interfere in her life.

I fear for her safety all the time because I know she is reckless. Could you maybe shed some more light on where you think I should change my approach to her?

[mama62]

Hi autkpi,

Every word on your reply was exactly the way I feel. We just cannot win. I want to ignore the lies but then what is left?

Where there is no trust there can be no foundation for a relationship that is how i feel. I have been brought up to always tell the truth no matter what and that is how I brought my children up.

The more I read about other people with similar problems the more helpless I feel. I just want to cry, but that is not going to solve anything.

[jellibeans]

Dear Mama62

Thank you for giving us more detail. That does help with getting the whole picture. I am not sure I understand fully but it seems like you are hurt by her distance and your lack of contact with her. It almost seems like you might be co-dependent on her in a ways.

I know it is difficult to look at a person with BPd and see if this is just typical teen behavior or something more... . I look at that often with my dd16 and try to see what is really going on with the her... . sometimes it is her just trying to spread her wings and be more free and sometimes it is more than that and we end up at the ER. What I see more in your case is that your dd is trying to separate from you... . that is natural and healthy. She is probably partying and drinking and although you don't approve she is still able to go to school and live a pretty stable existence.

I do think you need to look for ways to control your worry. Your health is too important to ignore and your worry seems to be dominating your emotions right now. I am a mother too and I worry about my dd very much but I also have to make a real effort everyday to not let it impact my dd. So much of my struggles with my dd come down to control and power struggles. Reducing that has improved our relationship greatly. My dd16 can be a real handful but if I look back to a year ago things really have improved... . my dd overdosed 7 times and ran away from home 5 times... . she was cutting regularly and I could go on... . changing how I interacted with her has made a huge difference. We still have a long ways to go and I have hope for her future. Your dd seems to do well in school and has some drive to be on her own... . I would encourage that all I could.

I am wondering if going to a al-lon meeting might help you with her drinking etc... . Will she return during the summer to live with you? Maybe you could find ways to still spend time with her... . make a monthly trip to see her and take her out of dinner etc... .

I hope I have not hurt your feelings or anything... . I can see you are a very caring mom and have been through a lot... . I just feel that you need to focus on yourself right now... . I do hope things improve for you and your dd.

[mama62]

Stella1425

There is nothing wrong with being overly honest.  Like you I too think the hardest part for me is the dishonesty.

I have always assumed my d was being honest with me but who knows how many lies there were. It's only recently that I catch her out in lies all the time. I don't understand why she has to lie. I am trying to learn more about BPD and maybe in time I might learn to deal with the lies.

[mama62]

jellibeans

Thank you for your comments. I am really grateful for your honesty and please don't worry about hurting my feelings, I am not that fragile.

At the moment there is no communication with dd so I have no idea what her plans are. She is not going to be coming home in the summer because she already told me before she left that she would not.

She says she hates this place so I honestly don't know. Maybe one day things might be better.