How to detach while still living together?

[FigureIt]

About a month ago things were bottoming out and my expectation was I would be moving out very soon.  Then all of the sudden it was like something "snapped" and my uBPDbf had an epiphany and realized he was the cause, etc. blah, blah, blah.  Now due to the fact that I have an 8yr. old child from my previous marriage and I don't have a tone of liquid funds I am gradually taking the steps to leave, but leaving may be in 4months or 1yr. from now. 

Meanwhile, I have to "live like normal" and not lead on that there is anything wrong, which I am having a really hard time with.  I am feeling completely depressed, irritated, angry, frustrated, etc.  Before, at least I had moments of happiness, now I just feel completely unhappy! 

How do you manage when you can't leave right away?

[Turkish]

About a month ago things were bottoming out and my expectation was I would be moving out very soon.  Then all of the sudden it was like something "snapped" and my uBPDbf had an epiphany and realized he was the cause, etc. blah, blah, blah.  Now due to the fact that I have an 8yr. old child from my previous marriage and I don't have a tone of liquid funds I am gradually taking the steps to leave, but leaving may be in 4months or 1yr. from now. 

Meanwhile, I have to "live like normal" and not lead on that there is anything wrong, which I am having a really hard time with.  I am feeling completely depressed, irritated, angry, frustrated, etc.  Before, at least I had moments of happiness, now I just feel completely unhappy! 

How do you manage when you can't leave right away?

Hello FigureIt, I was in a similar situation. She ended out r/s last August, I found out about her new Love Object Attachment a few weeks later. Some weeks after that, we tried to work it out (mostly on my side), but I finally had to "technically" end it as she was still enmeshed with him, and I realized I had been painted black as a romantic attachment permanently. Like yours, she had an epiphany weekend where she admitted to it being mostly her and she was processing it. It didn't matter. She is who she is. Back to the dysfunctional and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It was a bit easier for me legally, since we were never married and I owned the home myself. I thought about evicting her, but with unresolved custody issues, it would have been a mess. So I initiated Limited Contact within my home. She had moved herself to the couch in August, but it was difficult as she still used the MB bathroom as hers. My LC rule was "no talking about our r/s, just daily issues of living together, and of course things having to do with the kids." Violated this three times in four months, which I consider not too bad given the situation.

I hardly did anything with them together, and I took the kids away some weekends by myself. It was probably the most difficult thing one can imagine to live with her, and I really feel for you. I thought I would go crazy for the four months it took her to find a place secure where she could set up an acceptable apartment for the kids. I wish I had some more wisdom to offer, and I try to not think about those four months (Oct to the beginning of Feb), but I will a bit, to see if I have anything else to offer other than LC.

We did eat meals seperately. I did most of the cooking, but she would often do things around the house, I ate at the stove as I was cooking, and set the meal down for all of them (yes, I cooked for her, too), then did something outside or in another part of the house. Other times, she would eat by herself. She got that I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her. Now I am feeling PTSD just thinking about it! Just kidding. Kind of... . I will see if I can remember anything else that may be helpful. The only thing I can say is that I made it. So can you!

Turkish

[Trent]

Hi Figureit,

I'm sorry for your situation.  It's difficult enough detaching from a pwBPD r/s after moving out/being NC, so I'm sure it must be even more difficult while sharing the same living space.

I don't know the temperament of your bf, but if he has a tendency to have emotional explosions then you may want to start formulating a backup plan for yourself and your child in case you might not be able to leave on your own timeline as desired.

In my case, during my first major breakup when I was living with my uBPDexgf, she and I had a rational, adult conversation (!) and we agreed that I would stay in the guest bedroom for a few weeks before I could find a place of my own.  Two days later, I came home to half of my stuff in the driveway with her ranting and raving at me, and I eventually had to call the police to calm the situation, and call my brother to bring his pickup truck over at 11pm to help move my stuff out of the driveway.  She also kept ~$500 I gave her as rent for the rest of the time I was supposed to be there.  So the lesson I learned was to keep myself protected from her, and expect the unexpected.  After 7 weeks of NC, she showed up at my hockey game wanting to talk, and I agreed to meet her the next day, with my only intention of getting my $500 back.  But she seemed like she had changed, so I let down my guard, and let myself get sucked back in for the next cycle of dysfunction.  Good times

Good luck!

[Trent]

(Wanted to add something, but I can't edit my posts yet... . )

The thought of you leaving may trigger his abandonment fears, and if he can't pull you back in, he might push you away.  Please be careful! 

[going places]

About a month ago things were bottoming out and my expectation was I would be moving out very soon.  Then all of the sudden it was like something "snapped" and my uBPDbf had an epiphany and realized he was the cause, etc. blah, blah, blah.  Now due to the fact that I have an 8yr. old child from my previous marriage and I don't have a tone of liquid funds I am gradually taking the steps to leave, but leaving may be in 4months or 1yr. from now. 

Meanwhile, I have to "live like normal" and not lead on that there is anything wrong, which I am having a really hard time with.  I am feeling completely depressed, irritated, angry, frustrated, etc.  Before, at least I had moments of happiness, now I just feel completely unhappy! 

How do you manage when you can't leave right away?

Still married, will be divorced June 15.

Getting house ready for market.

He says "he cannot leave, and still pay bills".

I cannot start over without the equity in the home going liquid.

We do not sleep in the same space. Haven't for a long time.

We work opposite hours.

When we do have a day off together, I stay gone.

Or very busy.

So does he.

We do not speak unless we have too. Never "hows the weather, how was your day".

I can assure you, this is STILL not far enough away.

His presence disturbs my soul.

Knowing he's coming to this house, drains my soul.

I am praying for a full price offer the day we put it on the market, and that by June 15, not only will I be divorced, but not living under the same roof as him.

I cannot get away from him fast enough.

THIS RIGHT HERE is lesson enough why we should ALWAYS have an emergency fund / a junk free-decluttered home / and a huge network of friends, and family that can be there for you in a pinch.

[gary seven]

THIS RIGHT HERE is lesson enough why we should ALWAYS have an emergency fund / a junk free-decluttered home / and a huge network of friends, and family that can be there for you in a pinch.

Very powerful suggestion.  It's my long range plan, cause its such a web of chaos in my home.  I hope to get the ball rolling by august.

[FigureIt]

(Wanted to add something, but I can't edit my posts yet... . )

The thought of you leaving may trigger his abandonment fears, and if he can't pull you back in, he might push you away.  Please be careful! 

I definitely know that the thought of me leaving will trigger those fears.  Heck, just last night I didn't pay him "enough" attention and because of cleaning, life, etc.  And he was already starting with his fears.  I hate living this way and wish I could go now.  It's just not financially or mentally (for my child, she is starting counseling too for some OCD tendencies and don't want to create caos of her) feasible right now.

It is emotionally exhausting for me and when I try to disengage he takes it to the next step and I NEVER get a break.