The day that I lost my desire for a child

[lemon flower]

I am not a child of BPd-parents but there have been some cases of mental illness and a lot of alcoholism in the family and I did not have a very happy childhood after all :-(

until I became 38 I always had the "I'll see what happens"-mentality, which was probably just a way of not having to deal with my fears.

At 38 I met a guy with whom I had the feeling that "this could be a good, caring, nursing father" so we agreed to try for kids. I got pregnant easily but I lost the embryo in an early stage, maybe because of my age but I suspect it was mainly due to my own hidden fears as I didn't really believe in the r/s and couldn't justify this pregnancy to myself, I was stressed about many things but most of all because I didn't believed our r/s to last... .

and I was right, because shortly after the miscarriage we broke up.

but this pregnancy kind of set free a whole bunch of emotions and afterwards I felt terrible, I longed for a "second chance" but he was gone, and I had reached the point in which I was considering to get pregnant from anyone if I got the chance... . not very wise, nor ethical, but the emotions were stronger in those days... .

and guess who fell from the sky exactly in that stage of my life ? my uBPDx... .

ofcourse at first it was all about sex, and ofcourse he didn't bother about a condom, but even stranger, he kind of "offered" me a child, even without me having mentioned this subject, and even before we had sex  

it was like some dream come true... . allthough I knew something wasn't right, but I just thought, if it doesn't work out with this guy, I'll take care of the child on my own, I didn't realise he had a mental illness in those days.

NOW I REALISE THAT HE MUST HAVE PICKED UP SOME OF MY FEELINGS AND HE USED IT AS A WAY TO CREATE A BOND OF WHICH HE THOUGHT iT WOULD

TIE US TOGETHER... .

anyway, I did get pregnant, very fast, allready in the first weeks that we were together, but unfortunately during that pregnancy I also started to realise there was really something wrong, we had countless fights, he was drinking all day long, he had all kinds of problems, and we broke up allready for the first time in less than two months after we met.

and the same thing happened: due to all my worries and internal stress I got a miscarriage after 8 weeks pregnancy. This time I felt more relieved than sad,  but we were still in the recycling stage so we kept on seeing eachother.

the first months I took care not to get pregnant again, but 3 months later it did happen again, by accident... .

at that time I wasn't happy at all, we were having a very bad time and I couldn't tell him about the pregnancy, I was even considering a secret abortion as I knew that having a child with him would mean TROUBLE ; for the child, for me, for him, and it would indeed have tied a bond between us that I would not be able to  cut down... . I felt almost guilty towards this new child to have been so reluctant. :-(

fortunately it wasn't meant to be, I got another miscarriage, I was all alone in the hospital because noone knew about this second pregnancy except my sister who lived to far to visit me and I felt totally alone and miserable.

I think that was the day I realised I had to get out of this r/s , that he would never make me happy, and I knew it was for the best, but I think that was also the day that I lost my desire for a child... .