Cryptic Fb status

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just a question

My ex ( 3month nc) had a status like this

I think older men should teach younger men how to treat a lady

I was 5 year older than her but still makes you think . Is she with an older man that's making her happy? Or has she been messed about by some other younger guys and relises how well I treated her?

Either way I don't care but it just makes you think. Anybody else had little things like this throw up questions etc they ruminate on?

I don't have her on fb a friend told me b4 I had a chance to tell him not to. Lol

The grass isent always greener hahahah

[Paul M]

Just a question

My ex ( 3month nc) had a status like this

I think older men should teach younger men how to treat a lady

I was 5 year older than her but still makes you think . Is she with an older man that's making her happy? Or has she been messed about by some other younger guys and relises how well I treated her?

Either way I don't care but it just makes you think. Anybody else had little things like this throw up questions etc they ruminate on?

I don't have her on fb a friend told me b4 I had a chance to tell him not to. Lol

The grass isent always greener hahahah

[fromheeltoheal]

Seems you do care, since you posted it here and are asking the question.  That's OK, and congratulations on 3 months without engaging and processing things here.  It's common to parse social media posts for the 'real' meaning, as we still try and 'figure out' what went on in the relationship and what our ex might be thinking.  It's good that you aren't Facebook friends with her, that could lead to lots of dysfunctional cyberstalking, but now that your friend told you, what are your real feelings about that post of hers?

[LettingGo14]

Anybody else had little things like this throw up questions etc they ruminate on?

My brain has made countless, and ultimately vain, attempts to figure out what fragments like this mean.  Over and over, I've been forced to come back to the questions, "what am I feeling?" and "where am I still hooked?"

If I went searching right now, I'd likely find pictures of us still on her instagram (and I'd ask why?)  or maybe I'd find pictures of my replacement (and I'd ask did she ever love me at all?)   

Rumination is our mind's attempt to solve a puzzle.   However, the only puzzle we can solve, ultimately, is within us.   I find it helpful to look at my projections (am I replaced? is she thinking of me?  where is she now?) and asking myself why I care so much (at various times I might be hurt over rejection, angry I can't let go, or stuck in magical thinking).

You're doing at great job with no contact.  Be kind to yourself, and ask yourself find what feeling might be under the rumination.  Thanks for posting -- it helps many of us who deal with the same thing.

[Paul M]

I guess your right. I do care. Not in a I want to resume the rs type of way but in a I want validation that she can't do better? Bad I know. I'm over it but am the type of person to think long and hard about everything even before my ex BPD gf.

I understand I was the rescuer I see that in me I'm a kind caring person. I understand she is. Not the women I fell in love with and has slot of issues. The type of issues I would if run a million miles from if I knew at the beginning. I would never go back if I had the option I just can't help myself ruminating sometimes.

[LettingGo14]

I guess your right. I do care. Not in a I want to resume the rs type of way but in a I want validation that she can't do better? Bad I know.

This is not "bad."  It's just what happens.

I'm learning that I wanted "validation" too.  I was so exhausted after the drama of our relationship.   I questioned everything.  I got stuck trying to figure out "what" I could have done differently, or if someone else was going to give her what I could not.

None of it proved helpful.   I am trying to accept that I can validate myself.   She, ultimately, did not get what she "needed" from our relationship.   Two lessons I am internalizing by "facing the facts" at bpdfamily:

1. It was not my job to "fix" her.

2. It was not her job to "validate" me.

She can keep searching for someone who will (likely temporarily) fill a hole in her heart.   For me, my job is to stand on my own feet and be the person I want to attract (individuated, emotionally available, and grounded).

You are doing good work.  Thanks for sharing.

[Narellan]

Yes, mines quite the cryptic FB user. Recently about 3 weeks into NC he posted " opportunities are like sunsets. If you wait too lon you miss them" I thought he was referring to me and our split and maybe he had things he wanted to say to me. Now I think he meant he wished he'd shagged my best friend earlier when he had the chance. He also posted photos of the two of us kissing and a comment " a moment of calm amongst the chaos" and under another " a calm man is like a shady tree. Those who need shelter come to him"

Consequently I deactivated my FB account because ten posts like this a day and also things about never being happier did my head in. One in particular after our split told everyone he belonged to not one person but to every person in Australia. What the heck this from a man with not a single friend, who roams around and calls himself a nomad. But lots if his posts after our split were an obvious attempt to get my attention , any reaction and for me to break NC. I was kind of addicted to reading things between the lines and he was obsessively in my thoughts. It was really hard to avoid this, so I deactivated my account. And all is silent now.

[Narellan]

Haha well half an hour after I posted that I reactivated at 2 am to take a sneak peak cos were still friends on FB. Such a surge of emotions again. He's clearly moved on ( with my ex best friend) lots of reflective stuff about moving on from the past, and freeing his hands of yesterday's " junk" Ahhhhh. Then she posts about letting things just wash over you and move on and he comments with a wink.

One good thing is its fuelled my anger and desire to have nothing to do with either if them. They can post all the quotes in the world, but I know in the end he will just f#ck her over too after causing devastation to her life. I will be riding on that karma wave.

[fromheeltoheal]

Consequently I deactivated my FB account because ten posts like this a day and also things about never being happier did my head in.  My ex would change her relationship status constantly when we were supposedly in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.  It became kind of a window into her head for me; when she was in push mode she'd be "single", in pull mode she'd be "In a relationship", and when she was trying to fck with me she'd be "In an open relationship".  Thank god Facebook has an "It's complicated" choice; that one fit best for me.

Social media is dangerous in these relationships.  There was never any sitting down and having heart to heart conversations and coming to resolution of issues in the relationship in person, like healthy partners do, and then you throw in the emotional detachment of written messages that are broadcast to everyone, there are countless ways to read between the lines to try and decipher what the hell is going on.  An 'understanding-driven' person like me, someone who needs to make sense of things, gets driven crazy by that crap, much healthier to remove whomever from social media, and even better, turn the computer off and go get on with our lives in the real world.  Says the guy typing on a computer, but you know what I mean.

[Perdita]

Haha well half an hour after I posted that I reactivated at 2 am to take a sneak peak cos were still friends on FB. Such a surge of emotions again. He's clearly moved on ( with my ex best friend) lots of reflective stuff about moving on from the past, and freeing his hands of yesterday's " junk" Ahhhhh. Then she posts about letting things just wash over you and move on and he comments with a wink.

Narellan, how long has it been since it ended? 5, 6 weeks?  If he is still posting about reflecting on the past and how he has moved on then I question whether he has indeed moved on.  It sounds to me like he is posting that stuff to show you how little he cares that you have moved on.  Yet he sounds a bit stuck to me.  I mean, why hasn't he just moved on if he is really so happy now with your ex bf? 

[Narellan]

The split was march 19. I ended my friendship with her 4 days ago. After I split with him 3 weeks after he posted photos of us kissing with those comments about calm and chaos. I remained silent. A week later he posted a nude of me. I rang and told him to delete it. He did and has been quiet since with me. 3 days after the split he began pushing my friend and they are in daily contact even tho he still posted photos of me. And even tho she pretended to feel my pain and support me she lied and made plans to see him behind my back. He's moved on but wants me to suffer. I've deactivated again now. They can have each other. I know when he ditches her he will be back in my doorstep so I have to predict my actions and calmly reject him.