The loss of hope

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi all,

Over the last several days as I've struggled with rising emotions regarding the real end of my relationship with a pwBPD, I've read something that struck me as profoundly sad, and that is the "loss of hope".  Having worked in the medical profession for many years, having "hope" was sometimes the only idea to cling to when dealing with the seriously ill, "where there is life, there is hope ... . ".  My own hope bolstered my resolve in not throwing in the towel sooner, or giving up on my pwBPD. 

Last night, it occurred to me that what's happening inside of me the last couple weeks is indeed grief, like a death type of grief, the hope is gone in staying in even a quasi rs with this woman that I loved.  I think we can tell ourselves all sorts of lies in order to get from one day to the next, to put off the actual grieving process because this person with whom we've been involved does indeed have a pulse, and is a living, breathing being.

Fifteen years ago I stood by and watched a good friend beat breast cancer, made the 5 year mark, only to relapse in year 7 with the most aggressive form of breast cancer there is.  I knew she was going to die, her sister is a close friend, I imagined how it was going to be without her, for my living friend, her family and child.  We talked about it, both of us in the same career, pragmatic, level headed women who were used to handling crisis after crisis and hand holding until the last breaths are taken.  Still, when the call came, I was devastated to learn she had died.  I guess my point is,  there's nothing we can do to prepare for trying to extricate ourselves from an entanglement such as this.  Even knowing what we know and all of the lessons we've read.  We cannot escape the pain, the ending, we cannot hang on AND let go. The loss of hope is just about the lowest one can go, in my opinion anyway, and for me? it's my rock bottom.  I don't think I've ever felt hopeless before, at least not like this.  I tried to go back and process the other recycles and it was indeed moi who always reached out to smooth the pathway back.  The amount of venom or degree of nastiness didn't matter, she was sick and I am not, even disordered people deserve to be loved.  That kept me going too. And hope, hope that stability would come with consistency.

My emotional crutch days are done, I could've been way farther along than I am right now if I hadn't had hope that living beings can always change.  I've given up that hope, I finally see my XpwBPDgf as the beautiful, intelligent, empty and broken woman that she is, it will always break my heart... . I will never be the same.

CiF

[bpdspell]

Cardinals in Flight,

This was beautifully expressed and no; none of us on here will ever be the same and perhaps that is the blessing.

The blessing is that once the worst is over we are a more stronger, more insightful and more empowered version of ourselves. Does it suck that it took such a painful toxic exchange to get there? Hell Yeah! But none of us in this life are exempt from pain. It just doesn't work that way. But out of the BPD nightmare we come out on the other side of it recalibrating what it means to love others and what it means to accept healthy love for ourselves. We learn what it means to love ourselves in a way that wasn't possible before.

Their are many forms of loss in hope. Morning and grieving the loss of dreams is a part of life. People lose hope in their health, their dreams and their fantasies every day.The BPD experience is just one out of many heartbreaking life experiences. But life does and will go on.

For me letting go of the dream of being with my ex was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I had such a hole in my heart to fill and I wasn't looking forward to filling it on my own. But with a commitment to myself and time I was able to become whole again and when you're whole again hope does return.

Spell

[seeking balance]

  We cannot escape the pain, the ending, we cannot hang on AND let go. The loss of hope is just about the lowest one can go, in my opinion anyway, and for me? it's my rock bottom. 

This is what the beginning of acceptance looks like... . I know it hurts 

I finally see my XpwBPDgf as the beautiful, intelligent, empty and broken woman that she is, it will always break my heart... . I will never be the same.

Hon, right now - this is you too - the big difference is you can heal from this.  No, you won't be the same, but we are supposed to change and grow - it is the human experience.

You will be ok - it feels bad now - but leaning into like you are right now is how you get through it.   

[GuiltHaunted]

Thanks for your post CiF.

I am hitting an all time low in these days. Actually starting with increased rumination the last weeks and desire to break 4 months NC.

I even wrote a letter to her, but I realized I can't send it! What I have to say comes from within me, and I guess she will shake her head and think "what is he talking about". I also realize I can't resume contact with simply just "hello, how are you doing", because it would lead no where - at best to more pointless chit-chat that would leave me wondering and puzzled, confused and hurt!

I am checkmate! I have no more moves. Is that what it feels like to lose hope?

If this is truly an indication of reaching acceptance, then I look forward to the better times ahead.

[cosmonaut]

Thanks for your post CiF.

I am hitting an all time low in these days. Actually starting with increased rumination the last weeks and desire to break 4 months NC.

Don't do it, my brother.  You will almost certainly regret it.  Keep your letter to yourself and move on with your life.  Find someone that isn't going to suck you dry and then abandon your dried out husk for a new victim.  I know the ruminations and the what ifs.  They have been plaguing me too.  Contacting her won't fix it.  Trust me.  You can't fix the kind of crazy she has, man.  I am telling you, contacting her will just stir everything all up in you again.  It won't feel better... .

[cosmonaut]

Your message is very beautiful and heartfelt, CiF.  I know what you mean about the loss of hope.  It is a death to mourn in and of itself.  The hope that somehow things could be better.  That things could be worked out.  That love really can conquer all.   It's terribly sad to have to let go of that.  I am feeling that acutely right now.

Letting go is so very hard.   

[Split black]

Don't do it. If she wanted you she would reach out. Shes not giving it a second thought. You have done brilliantly all this time. Its hard hard work. Don't blow it.  Your addiction is kicking in big time. Do not contact her. You will feel beyond terrible. I know we aren't supposed to tell people what to do... . BUT... . just dont bro. Misery.

[babyducks]

  Cardinals in Flight

Last night, it occurred to me that what's happening inside of me the last couple weeks is indeed grief, like a death type

My feelings are often the same, I feel like I am grieving the death of someone I shared a lifetime with, which is not the case.  I've been in recovery from this relationship longer than I was in the relationship, which makes me whacko when I think about it.  Still my feelings are what they are.   Sometimes it feels as if they have a mind of their own.   And all I can do is put myself if position to allow good things to happen.

  I guess my point is,  there's nothing we can do to prepare for trying to extricate ourselves from an entanglement such as this.  Even knowing what we know and all of the lessons we've read.  We cannot escape the pain, the ending, we cannot hang on AND let go.

Exactly right.   I noticed Seeking Balance said this was the beginning of acceptance.   I see it as another level of understanding.  The natural process of letting go seems to take time, we can't bulldoze our way through it, we can't force it.  To me, and perhaps I am out in left field, we do the work and wait for the results.   

... . I will never be the same.

Yeah me too.   I notice it in small and subtle ways almost every day.  I was at the dentist Monday and something happened and I responded.   And then thought 'huh, I wouldn't have done that 6 months ago'.  I would like to hope like BPDspell says

The blessing is that once the worst is over we are a more stronger, more insightful and more empowered version of ourselves.

that this is some sign of improvement or growth but frankly I am not convinced.   Still, I am the best me I can be and all I have to work with so I will continue to muddle on.

Hang Tough CIF

'ducks

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thanks ducks, and all who responded.  And for those considering breaking NC, just don't!  It will not be what you want it to be.  But it WILL cause you more pain, if that's even possible.

CiF