So I broke NC...

[spicelover]

I don't know what I was thinking, but I decided to email her this morning.  I don't care if she doesn't write back.  The painted me so bad at the end, and I feel bad about myself.  I know it's all her insecurities she even told me she'd be that way.  It hurts, but I can't walk away feeling like I'm leaving someone special who's just going through something really tough - and alone. 

Leaving thought... .

Look up Kintsugi it's a Japanese art where they break pottery, then mend the parts back together with gold, stronger and more beautiful than before.

The philosophy being that breakage and repair become part of the history of something rather than something to disguise x

I heard about it on the radio thought how beautiful.  I hope you are well.

I hope she doesn't reply with something nasty.  I hope she doesn't reply at all. 

[coolioqq]

Beautiful message, but you should mend yourself together now. You can't be her potter forever... . It hurts, I know. But it's for the best.

[Skip]

Which of these are true:

So I did it for her and said I think best not to see each other, or contact each other anymore (with the exception of anything to do with our house).  I was very nice about it too, and just said it would be for the best.

I know it's all her insecurities she even told me she'd be that way.  It hurts, but I can't walk away feeling like I'm leaving someone special who's just going through something really tough - and alone.  

[spicelover]

Unfortunately it depends on the day.  I was good until this morning.  It's a real rollercoaster.

[LettingGo14]

Unfortunately it depends on the day.  I was good until this morning.  It's a real rollercoaster.

Yes.  It is.  And, that's why you need to make sure you give yourself a break.  I have busted No Contact several times.   For a variety of reasons, but mainly because of the roller coaster of emotion you cite.

Ultimately, I think, detachment is for us - and it leads to freedom for us.  No contact allows us some space to consider all aspects of the relationship.  But most of know, all of this is a process, and not a switch we can flip off/on.

Have you read through Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck?   I carry that with me.

[spicelover]

Yeah tell me about it.  Last night I was fine.  Bouncing around the place happy even thinking how in the end I'm so much better off.  But then thought start creeping in and before I knew it I felt lower than I had since she left.  Complete sadness and emptiness.

I still don't know if she has BPD, but whatever it is she's not behaving like anyone with any kind of heart or emotion would towards something they were so close to.  I'm not even kidding I felt like her and I could conquer the world together we were so close.  I miss that part of her like nothing else.  I've never had that with anyone else before and I feel like I never will again.

[spicelover]

I just got this reply... which is kinda exactly what I said last week right back at me (spelling mistakes and all):

I hope your well. Thank you for the sentiment it does sound like beautiful outlook.

However right now I too am trying to heal and this is not helping with this right now. I hope you understand that this is not me being passive aggressive or mean etc i really am not, I just please request you respect me some time & space to heal.

Thank you :-)

I'm done.  Happy she's not just ignoring me at least.  But I feel better.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I just got this reply... which is kinda exactly what I said last week right back at me (spelling mistakes and all):

I hope your well. Thank you for the sentiment it does sound like beautiful outlook.

However right now I too am trying to heal and this is not helping with this right now. I hope you understand that this is not me being passive aggressive or mean etc i really am not, I just please request you respect me some time & space to heal.

Thank you :-)

I'm done.  Happy she's not just ignoring me at least.  But I feel better.

Whst she said is actually pretry healthy,for a BPD. Could have been ALOT worse... . However still feels haughty and chipper to me.

Normal people are grieving more... I dunno seems off... . I dont ever trust the words of BPDs... Unless they are in serious therapy.

But thst was a beautiful and lovely email you sent her.  She wants you to let go... .

And thats great bc you have a chance at love now with someone who ll reciprocate.

I know it hurts... I know that pain. I want to reach out but youre too far away! Lol

So ill just give you a virtual hug instead!

[spicelover]

Thanks HBR27 

It's the first time she's actually asked me not to really bother her.  Again, she's saying "right now" and needs "some time & space to heal".  I don't know... my head starts looking into those words and wonder about the future.  I'm smarter than this usually. 

She is definitely very manipulative, but I don't think she's trying to manipulate me anymore.  I think she's missing me but knows she won't be happy with me because of my "baggage" that she hates so much.   :'(

Thanks for the hug    I need one lots.  It's been 2 months nearly and I'm feeling worse by the day I've got to pull myself out of this downward spiral.

[Emelie Emelie]

And what is this baggage of yours that she hates so much?  I understand what feeling worse by the day is like.  After my first break up (this is number two) I felt worse two months out than I did two weeks out.  Maybe it was due to the loss of hope... . but I'm not sure about that.  I was much more resolved to never get involved with him again at the two week point than I was at the two month point.  However I was in contact with him the entire time.  Most of it hurtful and counter productive.  Part of it was probably feeling worse about feeling worse if that makes any sense.  This time my emotions are all over the place.  I am bouncing from sort of okay (functional) to really not okay.  Spending most of my time in the really not okay place.  What's helping a little bit is just trying to stay in the moment and just feel what I'm feeling in the moment.  When I start projecting into the future... . where I picture myself alone and bereft and him madly in love with someone else... . well as you know it's incredibly painful.  It's my imagination that slays me. 

[spicelover]

I know what you mean Emelie Emelie.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I think the fact we had a life we'd started together, and plans.  She was always asking when I'd propose to her, and always talking about starting our own little family.  It was happy days.

My baggage is the fact that I had been married before, and I have kids with my ex-partner.  She couldn't get past that.  She said she could, and in fact we had very adult conversations about her feelings about it quite a lot.  But she'd get very worked up over my ex-wife and extremely paranoid.  To the point she wanted security cameras everywhere around the house etc... she always thought they were out to get us - and they just weren't.  She didn't like me having any contact with her whatsoever, and tried to get in the middle for the kids stuff.

We just bought a house together which put a tremendous strain on us for the few weeks leading up to moving in, and we had a massive fight a week after moving in and she said it was the straw the broke the camels back.  She has basically drifted further and further away every week since.  Very hard because she kept saying "wait until the dust settles and we'll see what happens"... . but the more the dust settles the colder and more distant she has become.  I've tried to not be in her face too much, but wanted to let her know I'm here for the long haul and want to be there for her and love her to bits but that's kinda backfired on me.