Losing a friendship

[RedRose15]

I want to keep this short.

I met a new friend about two months ago, we really hit it off.  My BPDbf liked her at first.  She is quite the opposite to me, very strong willed, heaps of self esteem and outspoken.

The past weekend there was an incident.  Some other man had tried to move in on me.  Anyway, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend what was said.  He stormed off and was going to fight this other man.  I had no idea this was happening and this friend came and told me.

I went and found him confronting this other man and he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me and practically threw me at my girlfriend.

She was so angry to see how hard he had grabbed my arm and the way he had treated me while he was so disregulated, she yelled out to him to stop abusing me.

This esculated into a bit of an argument between them, where he denied abusing me, and she said I've seen how you treat her etc... I told her in front of him, GF, he doesn't abuse me.  She said ok, but he better not.

The next day he said to me, are you still friends with her after the vile way she treated me and bad mouthed me etc...

I knew If i said yes, then I would have hell to pay, so I've said no.  But I feel torn, she has been a strength in my life I've never experienced and now he is cutting her away from me.  It's her or him, basically. 

He feels like if I dont stick by him, I am being disloyal because she is "trying to break us up" his thoughts.  It dont know what to do.  Keep a secret friendship or confront him.

I do not want to lose this girl as a friend, that much I know, but I don't want the drama that will follow if I tell him the truth, which is although he feels this way about her intentions, I dont agree.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[itgirl]

Hi,

Sorry to hear that you are in this predicament.  I don't have any advice to give as I am in the EXACT same situation.  The only difference is that my friend has been in my life for 18 years.  My partner doesn't trust her and think she is a big threat.  My friend also doesn't like my partner.  So I am stuck in the middle. 

Recently my friend has been diagnosed with cancer and will be starting treatment in a couple of days.  My uBPDgf in the beginning was very sympathetic  but as time rolled on not so much any more.  She calls it this "little cancer". 

I have tried to do the secret friendship thing years ago and it doesn't work.  It is no way to live a healthy life.   The lying will eat you up.  I have only managed to see my friend now on very special occasions.  I told my BPDgf that I will be an open book.  No mysterious actions from me.  Since that day I am brutally honest and do get to speak to my friend but I don't see her that often.  But it is getting better.

I hope some veterans will give us the advice we need.  Good luck.

[RedRose15]

Thanks for sharing itgirl.

I also really hope some veterans will chime in with some good advice for us.  I just feel so confused about this.  Being forced to choose a friend or them, because of how they feel, and the feelings are not even the reality, it is so unfair.

[an0ught]

Hi RedRose,

before coming to your current problem one comment on sharing - we need to be careful what we share and how we share it. I'm not saying having a secrete life is healthy but sharing everything without thinking is also a sign of weak boundaries and an enmeshed relationship.

Your bf probably feels guilty and ashamed at what he did and how he behaved. The easiest solution is to get rid of the witness... .

For you you can validate this feelings the obvious ones are upset, angry... . but I would also slip into the validation some hints of guilty and shame without directing it at him. Remember validation is not agreement - you may feel different than him but still his emotions and desires are valid.

I would not let him control you other relationships but of course it is understandable and valid that he does not want to see her in the near future (turn blacklisting into time-out).

[RedRose15]

Thank u anOught.

Gee thank you, I get that.   He felt ashamed, especially when my GF labelled him abusive... .

I strugged to understand that but that makes sense to me.

He hates her more than I've ever experienced.  Now i understand better.

Just to update the last message... . I received a text message from my BF.

He was at a place we frequent often.  He said Im here, about to order my soup, feeling awkard because my GF was there... .

I knew I had no choice to ask him stay away, he is very conrolling, so I texted her and said BF said your there, please stay away from him and dont tell him i said this;... .

Worst thing I guess, I sent that text to him and not her... . her was so quick to repond... . told me I had chosen her, forget it... .

I havent heard a word from him since then... .

I texted back that I just didnt want any more drama, which is the truth///I cant win...

[Perdita]

Hi RedRose,

Just a thought on this.  What if you told him that you would hate to end this friendship and have her thinking she was right about him being abusive?  That you would like for her to witness all his good qualities and realize she was wrong?  Might he rise to the occasion and present himself in a better light?  Don't know if it will work.  Just a suggestion.

[Lunira]

I agree that the whole situation is messed up, but there's a part of the original post I don't understand.  Could you clarify it for me?

The past weekend there was an incident.  Some other man had tried to move in on me.  Anyway, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend what was said.  He stormed off and was going to fight this other man.  I had no idea this was happening and this friend came and told me.

The slang in my area of the world might be a little different, because I don't really understand what you mean by the phrase "move in on me".   Do you mean he got into your physical space?  Did he put his hands on you?  Was he flirting in a very invasive or rude way?  Was he pressuring you to date him?  I'm a little confused as to meaning.

Sorry for the dumb question.

[RedRose15]

Thanks Perdita and Lunira.

PerditaI love that thought, but he is to far gone to even consider that, sadly.

Lunira what that means is he was flirting heavily with me and showing total disrespect with his words... he implied some very sexual thoughts and that he could please me better than my BF.  I hope that clears that up.

My update is my BPDBF gave me the silent treatment for five days.  I didn't contact him.  I thought what's the point, he's obviously very angry at the moment... and to be honest, I also felt angry...

Then he contacted me on day five.  He texted me and said how hurt he was to see I had called my girlfriend the word Hun in my text message to her and added some kisses... . He said he was empty without me, but he couldn't believe what I'd done.

That blew me away.  I thought he was angry that I had text her and warned her to stay away from him, but he was fine with that, he felt betrayed because I didn't hate her, like he did.


I apolised and said my intensions had been good, I didn't mean to hurt him and I was sorry he felt hurt. But I also said, I am also very hurt at the moment.

He kept up the communication and came to see me after work and just wanted to hold me close.  He said he felt so bad.

He looked so torn and said  to me "I know, im very delicate".  I just said, yeah, I know.

So, we will talk about this, tonight, and I just hope he doesnt blow up, but I don't think he will.  But, he seems to feel very bad/sad at the moment.  Like he knows, how ridiculious this is, and he can't believe it got to this.  He even said to me, I never stopped loving you, I was just so mad and confused.

I'm being love bombed at the moment.

[Perdita]

RedRose, I hope the talk went well.  Mine isn't one to express regret, so from my point of view it is a good thing that your bf is apologizing and feels bad rather than putting all the blame on you.