Sometimes it just really, really freaking hurts

[Emelie Emelie]

I can understand that he has a mental illness.  I can understand that no matter what I did he would find fault and be disappointed in me.  I can understand that I could never sustain a healthy, happy relationship with him.  I can understand that I need to take care of me and deal with my own issues.

But WOW sometimes it just really, really freaking hurts.   :'(

[trappedinlove]

Emelie, it does hurt like hell despite their mental illness.

Most of us went out of our way to understand and empathize with them and support them in their despair and we naturally expect lone and consideration or at least courtesy in return.

It is indeed heartbreaking to get treated that way.

It is hard and extremely painful.

But we'll get through it and come out stronger and wiser on the other side!

We're all with you in our hearts and mind. Hang in there Emelie

[seeking balance]

But WOW sometimes it just really, really freaking hurts.   :'(

Yes, loss hurts 

Hon, lean into that pain, it is the way through.  You are not alone in going on that journey and it really and truly will get better.

It helped when I just let myself be sad and depressed until I was done - radical acceptance... . yoga and meditation are great teachers to help discipline the mind in letting it just "be".

Hang in there,

SB

[wrigley52]

Right there with you! You are nit alone! I miss the person i first met,not the one who lied and cheated on me! I am 9 months nc it gets better!hang in there



WRIGLEY52

[Waifed]

Emelie

The pain can be excruciating at times, almost unbearable, but I promise you that it will dull over time. Don't try to fight the pain. It is normal. Your brain will take some time to process everything and during this process you will go through different stages, often regressing especially during the earlier stages of recovery. If I have learned anything from this mess it's to let my mind do what it needs too and don't fight it. You will come out on the other side thankfully that you are no longer involved in the craziness. After almost 8 months I have very rare moments of triggered sadness. I have zero interest in having any kind of relationship with her. My mind has erased most of the detailed memories that were once so vivid during the first couple of months. I am now going in and out of indifference when thinking about her and in due time my mind will allow me to enter total indifference. When?  I don't know but I don't fight it. I am more focused on taking care of myself than I ever have been. Months ago I would have never thought I would feel the way I do today. Hang in there and always remember that it will get ALL better in time.

[coolioqq]

Do you have anyone in real life to listen to you? We are very glad to do so here. But you need to talk it out too. Do you have a T?

Talking it out helped me immensely. My FOO listened to my ranting, rumination, everything... . We went over the things that i thought led me to where I am today. There were hurtful things that I told them. They accepted their mistakes. But also made me realize that some traits we have are simply innate. That's why you can have siblings in the same family with entirely different outlooks on life. They made me realize that part of the responsibility is purely mine: idealism, perfectionism, generosity, sensitivity... . All those things were who I always was - what they or the environment did was just tweaking them. The point is the acceptance of ourselves as we are.

I cried with my head between my knees in front of my folks - gee, I really hurt them and yet they listened to my endless rants... . We need that as we detach. Accept it the way it is now. Like Walfed said, the pain gets duller.

Last but not least, I realized that this entire thing that happened to me was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It was a choice between the red pill and the blue pill.

I took the red pill. It hurts like hell when you take it, but once you wake up, you do so in a beautiful place.

[Trent]

But WOW sometimes it just really, really freaking hurts.   :'(

Sure does! 

Today is 5 weeks NC for me.  I can feel the pain is dulling, and that give me hope.  But it's still pain!   

Hang in there!   

[Narellan]

Emilie I feel so sad for you, and all of us going through this. Like you I'm only a few weeks out(7) and mostly I feel good but some days have been overwhelming. Easter time I was in the depths of despair, felt like I couldn't go on, and cried for days. Something happened to me after that, like a fog had lifted. I had faced the realisation I could never ever be with my ex again and I am grieving that loss now. Prior to that I had it in my head he will come back and do another recycle. So I still had hope and had a foot in the door so to speak. Then he did something I can never forgive so the heartbreak was enormous. Still is some days. But that final straw put me at rock bottom and I am thankful for that because it could have wasted years of my life always wanting him. When you get stripped to the core it's a big awakening. I feel like I've been through a near death experience. I've done all the lessons on here and read lots so I know I'm on the right track. I've had huge grief because I lost my family for a while, and have lost my best friend as well ( she's now my replacement ) I never want to feel that pain again. And each "down day" isn't as bad as the last so I know from that I'm getting stronger. I agree with the above posts, you need to really just go with the pain. Cry it out, talk to friends and vent on here. We all understand we've all been there. You are a beautiful person who has been treated beyond bad, and just know that there is a better life waiting for you at the other side of your grief. I'm just starting to feel happy again, and you will too. Keep posting sweetie and working through it. There is lots of love and support for you here. X

[BuildingFromScratch]

The pain is quite terrible. It's gotten better though. It just sucks how long it takes to heal from this!

[Banshee]

It helped when I just let myself be sad and depressed until I was done - radical acceptance...

This is good stuff.

[cosmonaut]

I know what you mean, Emelie.  I've been a mess all day today.  It was all but impossible to work.  The ruminations would just not STOP; I could barely think.  I can't stop thinking about her.  She haunts me.  I know I've got some sort of PTSD going on.  This is just not normal. 

I have been through emotional break ups before.  I was in a very serious, long term relationship (almost a decade) with another woman before my ex.  We eventually ended things for many reasons, but mostly because we found ourselves going in different directions in life.  We had started dating at 18, met our freshman year of college, and like so many young lovers we ended up just not being right for each other after all.  There was so much history, so much friendship.  It was hard to let go.  But it was NOTHING compared to the agony of this latest break up with my BPDex.

I think part of what makes these break ups with a pwBPD so painful is that there is no closure.  It just sort of stops more than it ends.  It's like the last chapter is missing.  When my ex before my BPDex and I broke up we were able to actually TALK about the relationship.  We could discuss what wasn't working and how we felt.  We could stay in limited contact for a while after the breakup.  We could let each other know we still cared about one another and wished each other well.  It was hard, but it had closure.  With my BPDex, she just pulled the plug.  There was no talking about it.  No discussing it.  No trying to work anything out.  No contact.  No wishing each other well, except in the most insincere way.  It all just disappeared.  And I guess maybe that's because it was all a mirage to begin with.  It was a fantasy and it was unsustainable.

I think it's also the super loaded bond we create with our pwBPD.  I had never felt so alive, so excited, so over the moon as I did in the idealization phase with my ex.  I could not believe my luck.  It was all my dreams come true.  That created an unbelievably intense and loaded bond.  When that bond was broken it was like splitting an atom - a nuclear explosion.  And the fallout was beyond belief.  Scorthed Earth.  Charred, radioactive ruins.  I so vividly remember the feeling of those first few weeks.  It was like everything had died.  All that remained was the pain.

This is trauma.  It's not just a break up.  It leaves very deep wounds.  I know it can hurt so very, very much.

I am still working through all of this too.  I wish I had some good advice to give, but I don't.  I can so relate and sympathize, however.  Be good to yourself.  Take care of your well being.  You've been through a devastating ordeal.   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I know what you mean, Emelie.  I've been a mess all day today.  It was all but impossible to work.  The ruminations would just not STOP; I could barely think.  I can't stop thinking about her.  She haunts me.  I know I've got some sort of PTSD going on.  This is just not normal. 

I have been through emotional break ups before.  I was in a very serious, long term relationship (almost a decade) with another woman before my ex.  We eventually ended things for many reasons, but mostly because we found ourselves going in different directions in life.  We had started dating at 18, met our freshman year of college, and like so many young lovers we ended up just not being right for each other after all.  There was so much history, so much friendship.  It was hard to let go.  But it was NOTHING compared to the agony of this latest break up with my BPDex.

I think part of what makes these break ups with a pwBPD so painful is that there is no closure.  It just sort of stops more than it ends.  It's like the last chapter is missing.  When my ex before my BPDex and I broke up we were able to actually TALK about the relationship.  We could discuss what wasn't working and how we felt.  We could stay in limited contact for a while after the breakup.  We could let each other know we still cared about one another and wished each other well.  It was hard, but it had closure.  With my BPDex, she just pulled the plug.  There was no talking about it.  No discussing it.  No trying to work anything out.  No contact.  No wishing each other well, except in the most insincere way.  It all just disappeared.  And I guess maybe that's because it was all a mirage to begin with.  It was a fantasy and it was unsustainable.

I think it's also the super loaded bond we create with our pwBPD.  I had never felt so alive, so excited, so over the moon as I did in the idealization phase with my ex.  I could not believe my luck.  It was all my dreams come true.  That created an unbelievably intense and loaded bond.  When that bond was broken it was like splitting an atom - a nuclear explosion.  And the fallout was beyond belief.  Scorthed Earth.  Charred, radioactive ruins.  I so vividly remember the feeling of those first few weeks.  It was like everything had died.  All that remained was the pain.

This is trauma.  It's not just a break up.  It leaves very deep wounds.  I know it can hurt so very, very much.

I am still working through all of this too.  I wish I had some good advice to give, but I don't.  I can so relate and sympathize, however.  Be good to yourself.  Take care of your well being.  You've been through a devastating ordeal.   

I wish there was a "like" button.

You are so very sweet... I can see it in your posts.

Emilie... . I have to constantly remind myself that he is mentally ill... that it's not me...

and I try so hard to have empathy for him.

It's a very deep... . and as cosmonaut stated "loaded" struggle.

[Narellan]

I love the way you refer to the bonds and the loaded relationship Cosmo. That is so very true. I was in a 23 year marriage with a bi polar man and was forced to leave 2 years ago due to Healthand emotional reasons, and the well being of my children. I thought I went through the wringer then because I had to make so many changes, move house, buy house, buy car, separate everything and finance split. It was a piece of cake compared to this breakup, and I was only with my ex BPD for 4 months! It has totally changed me. Mostly in positive ways, but yes I think the way it just stops after being so all consuming really affects us.

[cosmonaut]

Thanks HBR and Narellan.  You both made me smile.      

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks guys.  It's just been a really, really rough day with this.  I don't really talk about this with anyone outside this board.  Breakup #1... . I shared too much with some people.  The abusive behavior.  The name calling.  The screaming.  The shredding.  (Oh the shredding.  I was a bad gf, a bad mother, the people who worked for me all "pretended" to like me, I talked too much, I thought I could do no wrong, I was narcissistic, Im oblivious, I breathed too much.)  So needless to say they were aghast when I went back.  (I went back five months later after he begged me  not to give up on him and made commitments to therapy and support groups etc.)  A couple people who I was close to, who I shared a lot of this with, gave me a big dose of tough love and said I don't want to hear anything about him.  Ever.  My BFF at work, and the closest thing I have to a peer because he's the one guy in the building who doesn't report directly to me, saw that I had driven his car to work one day.  I went into his office to talk to him about something and he said What the heck?  I tried to explain why and he said I have just lost so much respect for you.  Get out of my office.  Not kidding.  My brother told me I was completely on my own.  So no... . I haven't really talked to anyone about this.  Outside of one friend everyone thinks we're still dating.  Awful by the way.  What did you guys do for Easter?  Ugh.  I don't lie... . said he spent time with his mother and I wasn't feeling well.  Sure wasn't.  I've been spending a lot of time (outside of work) and trying to do my grieving in private. That's really not a bad thing.  I don't feel so pathetic.  Trying to do as Seeking Balance suggested and lean into the pain but work is rough.  I've got a pretty intense high stress job and trying to keep it together there... . well the pain just builds and builds... . you know it's physical and I just have to stuff it and try not to think about it and then I get into my car and just bawl.  If anyone has any suggestions for how they deal with it when we need to function in public I'd appreciate it!  I can't stop obsessing.  I know him.   I know he's out actively seeking my replacement and it KILLS me.  Who knows, maybe he had already met someone he's interested in.  I'm with you Cosmonaut... . never had a break up like this (these).  And get so freaked out that I can't seem to get a grip.  And Narellan I too have a BiPolar xHB... . 20 year marriage.  That wasn't easy either but as you say it was a piece of cake compared to this.  The worst of it is?  I keep obsessively checking my phone to see if he's called or texted.  Which is crazy.  I really don't think I'd ever go back again.  I did it this time when he swore his undying love and a huge commitment and determination to make it work.  It still went to hell in short order.  How we can so desperately miss and long for someone who treated us so poorly is a complete mystery to me.  If any guy in my past gave me 1% of the crap he gave me I would have been out of there in a New York minute.  I just don't understand what's happened to me.

[patientandclear]

Hey Em 

As you know I've been in the same seemingly unbearable pain for a LONG time now (prolonged because I went back in and tried to fix it & engaged in what I now see as protracted bargaining).  Just now starting to lean into the pain as it were.

But I too have a stressful intense job that matters a lot to me, and people who need me to function way beyond the 20% or so capacity I was stuck at for, oh, a couple of years (ugh) due to this r/s.

What I found works is to promise myself that I can fall apart tonight.  In three hours.  I can wallow in it ALL I WANT, I can stay up all night wallowing if I want ... . right after I finish this memo/meeting/whatever.

Of course, after I do a decent job of the memo/meeting/whatever, I feel less of a need to wallow, but still, I can if I want.

It's my way of purchasing a few hours of sanity at a time.

This just sucks and there's no way of understanding it that makes it not suck.  Devastatingly.  So you're not doing anything wrong, OK?  The frantic evasion of the reality of how much it sucks does a lot of damage long term.