Back after a long time - vastly changed circumstances

[AfraidAndSad99]

I am a member of this board but I have not posted for a very long time. I am 65 years old. My mother has passed and my 87-year-old father lives in a Veterans Nursing Home. I had two sisters, one 64 years old and one 60 years old. All my life I have been very, very close to my youngest sister. Her life has been filled with sickness and pain and she passed away on April 9. I have been a solo for many years and she was the dearest person to me on this earth. The 64-year-old has been a serious problem all her life - all the things you are all familiar with. Can't hold a job, given living money by our parents to get by, drinker but not alcoholic, dating unavailable men (including half the Police force), sudden towering rages, absolute control freak ... . you get the picture.

As soon as dad got into the Vets Home, MS (middle sister) moved from a large metro area where she was living on the 106 weeks of unemployment after the latest economic crash to the town and HOUSE where dad was living. ( I know ... . ho hum ... . who else hasn't had this sibling?) For several months dad's next door neighbor, an extremely trustworthy person who loved my dad, was his financial POA and I was the secondary. MS caused so much trouble for him that he resigned and the POA went to me. Dad's lawyer resigned at the same time because he was so well acquainted with MS and in fact the previous year had had to draw up a restraining order prohibiting her from going into dad's house because she had assaulted him while taking care of him during his recovery from major abdominal surgery. Immediately she began spending 16-18 hours a day at the Vet's Home, basically making sure no one else could see dad. She has also assaulted dad's adopted granddaughter on the Home's property but neither she nor they will do anything about it.

I had to make a choice about who I would help and who I would have to leave behind. I chose my younger sister (YS) who lived half a continent away. In 2013 I spent six months (off and on) at her house working remotely - my boss was an extremely generous and kind man. During this time MS caused every problem possible regarding dad's health, money, contacts with family and a very good young lady for whom he is an adopted grandfather. Phone calls to me and YS were her favorite  method of torturing us, so YS and I both hand our land lines blocked and YS was able to block her cell line, too. My provider doesn't do that.

Meanwhile YS who had colon cancer became sicker and sicker and I knew I had to go there permanently. Almost on my way out of town, I hired a lawyer and petitioned for a third party (Lutheran Social Services) to act as dad's Guardian of Person. April 28 was to be my court date but I requested an one-month extension. MS then also filed a petition for HERSELF to be dad's Guardian! Her court date was today. I don't know what happened and I really don't want to. YS's dying wish was that I go forward with my petition but it would have meant at least one plane-and-car trip back to outstate Minnesota and if MScontested it, a trial would be needed. Since I had retired seven months early, I had only a small pension coming in and really didn't want to do it anyway. Watching my beloved sister die was the most hellish experience of my life.

Now what I want and need is to find a way to "disown" MS - although I realize that this term implies a legal process that siblings can't do. I want to have some kind of ceremony just for myself in which I declare myself no longer to be related to her, to be completely free of her. (She didn't even come to YS's funeral.)  I need to do something more than total no contact. I need an affirmative event by which I can eject her from my life, my heart, my soul, my mind - everything but my genetics, which is impossible. Some religions do this by shunning and some cultures that I know well do this by having a funeral for the person (even though they are still living). I need to make her "dead to me." If I can't find any other way to do this, I will use a portion of an Asian funeral in which the soul of the dead person is led back to its birthplace - and then I'll just leave her there.

I am NOT crazy (at least I don't think so). I am beginning a faith-based Grief Support group next Tuesday. I belong to a very supportive and energetic church here. I'm not dangerous - don't own or use firearms and certainly am not about to give up my OWN life for her's!

I welcome being back here and reading about others who have these people in their family (from both YS's and my descriptions of MS's behavior to our therapists, MS has been identified as Borderline/Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although she has not formally diagnosed b/c she refuses any

kind of therapy. I'd especially appreciate if anyone knows, from any source, a ceremonial way to have a person not exist for me.

Thank you very much and I am saddened by the fact that so many of us are in this same boat.

Afraid and Sad

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, AfraidAndSad99 and welcome back to the site 

I'm very sorry for your loss of your sister; I can't imagine how hard it is to see a sibling that you love pass away, and I'm sure the emptiness is difficult and probably overwhelming at times. You have my condolences... .

I have never heard of a ceremony or ritual for making someone not exist for you anymore. Maybe when you attend that Grief support group next week you will be able to see if anyone there has any ideas. Is this what you think will give you some sort of peace about your situation with her? It sounds like your relationship with her is very difficult and painful, and I can see why you want to be able to have it disappear for you so that you can have some peace about it.

You say that you used to be on this site in the past; have you ever had the chance to read this link: Radical Acceptance for family members? Applying this technique to my own life (regarding my BPD loved ones, and even other situations) has literally taken the weight of the world off of my shoulders!

You seem to be in so much pain over this situation, and I am wondering if these links would help with that: TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts and Respecting our anger? Since you will probably find that it is almost impossible to erase your sister totally from your life and mind--unless there's something I haven't heard of that can do this--maybe there will be some information in the links I gave you above that will help give you peace in a different way... .

I'm truly sorry for all the trauma you have had to deal with, and are still dealing with, AfraidAndSad99. I hope that you can find the peace and solace you are looking for... . Your church family is a great start, as will be the Grief support group, I'm sure. And I hope that you can find some comfort and insights here on this site, too 

[cult]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby sister and the torment your mentally ill relative has brought to your life. It sounds like you have already identified some meaningful "separation rituals" which are workable alternatives for you to formally disassociate yourself from this toxic relative. I am sure it will be very healing for you and I think that creating your own ceremony using the traditions available from a variety of cultures is a great idea.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, AfraidandSad99, and welcome back.

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your youngest sister. You must be hurting so much to lose the dearest person in your life. I think it is really good that you have a therapist for support and also are planning to go to a grief support group. I hope it will help to know others have been through the same things.

I think the anger you are feeling toward your middle sister is understandable. BPD and NPD cause so much heartache to families, and it sounds like your middle sister's behavior has hurt you a lot. There is a lot to grieve in these relationships. Add onto that the grief you are going through because of your youngest sister's passing, and there's no wonder you are feeling so much right now. Anger is part of the grieving process, and it also is part of recovering from abuse, for similar reasons. Have you taken a look at the Survivor's Guide over in the right-hand column? Steps 6 and 10 in particular have to do with anger. When you think about your relationship with your sister, what phase do you think you are in right now (Remembering, Mourning, Healing)?

I can understand wanting to be free of your middle sister and her hurtful behavior. I think you can do that in whatever way feels best to you, and it sounds like you have some ideas. Still, this statement concerns me:

I need to make her "dead to me."

Have you talked to your therapist about these feelings, about wanting to feel like your sister doesn't even exist anymore? Do you think your wanting to do this now may be related to what you are going through because of the recent loss of your youngest sister?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[AfraidAndSad99]

Thank you for the caring response P.F.Change.

About the statement that concerns you (I want to make her "dead to me." Years ago, when my YS was desperately ill from a failed organ transplant, our family split bitterly over "pulling the plug" my M and F and MS wanted to pull the plug and me and my BIL did not. My M could not accept the fact that my BIL was the closest relative and, since it was a weekend and my YS's wishes could not be extracted from a locked office, he and I prevailed. My a miracle of the Almighty, YS recovered. During the 8 months she was in the hospital M and MS acted up so badly that they got kicked out of the hospital and went to their faraway home. My F was a victim of circumstances as he has been all his married life. Except for a couple of Father's Day cards (one of which M made him return), I was totally divorced from F, M and MS for eight years. It truly was as though, except for my father, they had vanished from this earth. I led a full-to-the-brim life as I always had and any anger that may have existed was on their parts but not communicated to me.

I don't think wanting to make MS "dead to me" has anything to do with the death of my YS. I could just as well say "never to have existed to me" or "doesn't exist any more". I think it has more to do with the fact that I retired and then moved halfway across the country and my new life hasn't really started up yet.

I never want to spend another instant of time thinking about her and certainly don't want to invite insult and hurt by talking to her. I'm leaning toward just making up my own ceremony and doing it privately. Probably something like writing her name on a strip of paper and on the back writing "Vanished forever" and the burning in a park. 

I have thought a lot about forgiveness and stuff like forgiveness sets the forgiver free, etc. But I do not WANT to forgive her. I cannot muster up a single thought about her worthwhileness as a person. And if I carry around some anger, I will not die from it. I may, in fact, be energized by it to create my discovery-filled life sooner rather than later.

Thank you for caring about me and giving me the opportunity to let out some of my anger.

Afraid and Sad (actually &*^(*&(^&^ MAD is more like it)