Obsessing now

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Keep looking at his fb posts... . And feelong the pain over and over

Of him talking about wanting to "date" and crushing on another girl.

It makes me feel sick everytime yet I keep doing it. I feel

Reallu sick in the head right now and depressed.

Someone said he was "baiting" me by doing that. I honestly

Hope so I would rather him be doing that then already moved on

And not thinking of me at all.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Lol sometimes! Honestly... . Im obsessing right now so I wanted to think of it.

After I just feel sad, ashamed, abandoned and confused.

Its really difficult for me to detach.

Pretty pathetic

[AwakenedOne]

Its really difficult for me to detach.

Hi HBR,

I understand and I'm sorry your in this pain. When me and my ex split it was really rough. Things get better everyday though for the most part. I find keeping busy with challenging things and doing fun stuff helps me a lot. I play guitar. What do you like to do to take your mind off problems and relax?



AO

[AwakenedOne]

I rarely take my mind of problems. Im very obsessive and laden with anxiety!

Its difficult to pull my focus on,him.

I workout beast and im addicted to exercise. Iv been

Doing cardio everyday and weight lifting a couole times a week...

That helps.

But Im a BIG reader. I was averaging at least 3 books a month

Even while I was with him. I cant even sit down and focus on a book

Right now.

Oh yea and masterbating! But that is totally ruined right now!

How can I ger him out?

How long must,i,suffer?

Yeah it's hard, I really have to focus to try to take mine off problems also.

I got dumped 8 months ago by my wife.

Can't really answer how long the suffering last for you because everybody is different. I think the key is coming to some sort of understanding of what the relationship really was. You know like facing the facts? I understand my wife doesn't really care about me at all. I deserve better and there is millions of women in the world, at least one will love me. Maybe things happen for a reason, like it's time now that your going to meet somebody great and the person who wasn't so great had to exit first.

Maybe reading a more intense book will give you some relief. Don't know what you like to read but if its horror check out Dean Koontz books, hard to put down.

A cool band I am addicted too also is The Avett Brothers. They have a song called "Kick Drum Heart". That song describes what really love should be and feel like and about not looking back on the past. I have learned about 10 of their songs on guitar.

Peace,

AO

[Narellan]

HBR I hear you, I'm a big obsessive too, and I also pick up a book now and after a few pages realise my thoughts still return to this. I find I really feel better if my thoughts are just cycling, I overdose on vitamin B stress formula. It dies really work to stop the ruminating. FB is a huge trigger for me too so I deactivated. Took myself out if the game. I just get on here instead and this is good therapy. I have no doubt our exes use FB to bait us and get any sort of reaction they can. If you stay off even for a few days you may feel more in control again. It opens the wounds all over for me so u can't go there. Really don't miss it now after 10 days. I know how bad those thought processes are when they take hold. I'm also avoiding alcohol cos ATM I find it a major depressive, but also even after one glass of wine I think something's a great idea and the next day regret it. U dont want to lose control by breaking NC at this point. Good luck xx

[spicelover]

I hear you guys too.  My mind goes in circles completely chasing my thoughts around and around and come back to either one of 2 conclusions... . to move on, or to keep trying.  First one is mind, second is heart.

Facebook messed with me too.  I'd check her all the time, but she's pretty much stopped using it.  I ended up blocking her, and unfriending all of her friends so I am sure not to see anything about her come through.  I couldn't bring myself to delete all of our posts, but I hid them so there's not visible

I know what you mean about masturbation too.  I went on a date with a very attractive woman a few weeks ago to try to keep my mind of things and thought maybe it would help break the spell.  Things went really well from the outside but on the inside my heart was beating so hard for my ex that I couldn't get past it.  This girl wanted to come home with me, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I made a dumb excuse, came home and fell asleep with tears in my eyes. 

[Narellan]

Spice lover   it's so painful isn't it? I can't bear the thought of being with anyone else. I can't bear the thought of him being with my ex best friend. It just makes me sick to my stomach. It's only been a couple of months but I feel no sex drive at all. I know I'm a bit depressed and sometimes I wake up crying during the night. Meanwhile I think I probably barely cross his mind now he has her to put on a pedestal and talk to. At least I have you guys to talk with.

I shared a cab home on sat night with a guy I went on a date with a year ago, and I was almost having a panic attack that he'd ask to come inside. I'd only waved to him at the party earlier in the night and we live close by so shared a cab. Even that made me sick.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you guys!

Awakened I'll check out that band!

I Just continue ruminating over those particular posts... .

One was "I want to take a girl out to a date to see (insert movie) now if only

I can get the nerve up to ask someone, I guess going alone isn't too bad"

Then a day later "sucks liking someone, but not being able to tell them because

,well I'm a little *****"

Then goes on in the comments about how he doesn't know her name but works with him yada yada yada.

This is 3 weeks since me walking away! This man told me he loved me and we were sleeping with one

another until then! We were affectionate... the works... so hard to accept he doesn't care about me

and has already discarded... .

Or he is baiting which still hurts. I WANTED to be with him, again, I only walked away because

he couldn't commit. I did the respectful thing to myself!

[Narellan]

Sweetie after reading that I have to say " take yourself out of the game"

NC is the only way. You are on the leaving board after all. So leave. Leave for YOU. He is still messing with you. The reasons why he is doing this are not the issue. The fact that he can and you are enabling him are the issue. Get off the merry go round. Xx

[cosmonaut]

It's absolute hell to be left high and dry by someone you loved deeply and you believed loved you deeply too.  I can't count the number of times my ex told me I was the man of her dreams, I was her everything, she would be lost without me, I was her soulmate, she couldn't wait to spend forever with me, and on and on.  I still have many of the cards she gave me that are filled with the most beautiful of sentiments.  At the time, they touched me more than I can ever say.  In the end, she left.  Without reason, without explanation, without any attempt to sort anything out.  She just left.  Poof.  She was gone.

It's so hard to try and understand how that could happen.  How someone who loves you so completely, so totally could ever just discard you.  Abandon you.  The truth is that people who truly love someone DON'T do this.  It is unthinkable to ever just abandon someone you truly love.  Love to a pwBPD is something very different than it is to us.  They inhabit a very different reality than you or I.  It's not something we can ever truly understand.

I too feel the overwhelming, almost consuming, thoughts of my ex.  She haunts me.  She occupies my thoughts every minute of my day and then appears in my dreams at night.  I too feel like I'm obsessed.  That I'm the truly crazy one.  This has to be some sort of PTSD.  In fact, I'm certain it is.  I think you may be experiencing the same.  The wounds a BPD partner can leave are incredibly deep.  The bond formed with our ex's was incredibly loaded.  It is going to take time, quite a while I think, and some deep introspection to put ourselves back together.  Try not to be hard on yourself for being human and for grieving and missing a relationship we believed to be uniquely special, almost sacred in it's intimacy.  Know also that you aren't alone.   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks Cosmonaut  

N- I haven't spoken to him in 20 days! NC. I just looked at his fb a couple times this week.

I hadn't looked at his fb in weeks... then I looked, and it killed me.

But other than that... we haven't had any contact with one another.

[dillan6241]

It's absolute hell to be left high and dry by someone you loved deeply and you believed loved you deeply too.  I can't count the number of times my ex told me I was the man of her dreams, I was her everything, she would be lost without me, I was her soulmate, she couldn't wait to spend forever with me, and on and on.  I still have many of the cards she gave me that are filled with the most beautiful of sentiments.  At the time, they touched me more than I can ever say.  In the end, she left.  Without reason, without explanation, without any attempt to sort anything out.  She just left.  Poof.  She was gone.

It's so hard to try and understand how that could happen.  How someone who loves you so completely, so totally could ever just discard you.  Abandon you.  The truth is that people who truly love someone DON'T do this.  It is unthinkable to ever just abandon someone you truly love.  Love to a pwBPD is something very different than it is to us.  They inhabit a very different reality than you or I.  It's not something we can ever truly understand.

Thank you so much for posting this. Although its hard to figure out who she is considering, my exBPDgf literally up and left all while I was gone on a business trip after 3.5 years of a relationship. She gave me the first explanation, and then another to my sister, and then a different reason to me, and then a different story to her sister. It was all over the place, and I couldn't figure out what was going on. As much as it hurts ... . Idk if she truly loved me in the sense I did her ... . It was only to fulfill her needs and the void within her. I had given her everything and she too promised me shed never leave ... . But once I started to FINALLY set up boundaries and not be a doormat she left and realized that I couldn't satisfy her void any longer. She never tells me but tells her sister that "she never loved me in the first place." Maybe its a lack of object constancy due to 2 months NC, but if she and I mean anyone truly loved you they would not leave on an impulse ... . Like it was nothing. I tried to show her true love, its not all rainbows and unicorns... . but she wasn't capable of true love. She doesn't even love herself and she's afraid to deal with the sexusl and physical abuse of her past... .

I love her ... . Care for her ... . But she left me to do her thing. She said I could "take her for a drink for her birthday" and that she wanted to "have lunch and talk to explain." Hahahha ... . Thank you my Almighty master how wonderful of you to show me such mercy ! Yuk ... . Granted I was heart broken and made a fool of myself but wow... . these people are so high on themselves sometimes and their petty little lives of drama.

[LettingGo14]

There is very powerful emotion in this thread.   I share so much of the pain each of you is experiencing.   It has, in some ways, woken me up to the fact that we have power, individually and collectively, to end our need to circle the sources of our pain (e.g., Facebook).

It hurts terribly to be abandoned, painted black, and replaced.  We are trying to figure out what happened and why.   

Lesson #1 I learned here is that BPD is a disorder.  It's not rational.  Knowing that has helped me stop ruminating on what I could have done differently.   It has also helped me accept letting go of my ex.  I can't fix her.  Period. 

Lesson #2 is that my mind wants answers.  I have spent way too much time trying to read "tea leaves" in what she said to me or posted on FB.  The reality is that she left me, and I have been replaced.   It hurts like h*ll.  But, when we acknowledge that pain -- especially to each other -- and when we see each other's pain -- which is alot like our own -- we can learn to work with it.   We may feel broken, and haunted, and hollow, but that's just a place to start from.   We are not condemned to that state.

Lesson #3 is to take charge of our mental health.  With help here, I'm learning to be kind to myself when I'm hurting.  With help here and with my T, I'm processing fear, anger, loss, shame, and grief.   She's gone -- and it's ok.  How do I know that?  Because we have all suffered loss, and yet here we are -- trying our hardest to find our paths.

I am very grateful when people share here.   We can do this -- we can let go -- and we can move on.    I'm sure of it.

[Popcorn71]

It's so hard to try and understand how that could happen.  How someone who loves you so completely, so totally could ever just discard you.  Abandon you.  The truth is that people who truly love someone DON'T do this.  It is unthinkable to ever just abandon someone you truly love.  Love to a pwBPD is something very different than it is to us.  They inhabit a very different reality than you or I.  It's not something we can ever truly understand.

You are quite right.  I too am obsessing but I must keep telling myself this and accept the truth

[Narellan]

Yes I identify heart and soul with everyone's posts.

FB is a huge trigger for me so I've had to deactivate it for a while. A few nights ago when I was feeling strong I reactivated and checked his posts. Big mistake. Set me back into the hell hole. I was so hurt all over again and the anger keeps popping up. I deactivated again and feel better after a few days. The pull to see how and what he's doing is too much for me to ignore ATM while I'm so fragile so I have to set up this safeguard and come on here instead. We are in the same place and I really feel for you. Do whatever it takes to eliminate some of the pain xx