Torn today

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I spend a disproportionate amount of time in my head thinking about my ex and it is all painful.

I heard a song this morning and thought of some of the truly wonderful times we had... . I had to readjust myself and get real. The ending of our relationship was vile... . a month of insults, blackmail and abuse on every level.

It's not like I want to get back with her... . the damage is too much to ever feel safe with her on an intimate level. I do miss some of her though, especially the wonderfully kind soul she could be and her light spirit on good days.

Her father is on life support right now. He's a lovely guy and I like him. I am torn whether I should reach out to find out how he is and how she is coping. The last message I sent her was on Sunday which was a simple txt to tell her I was thinking of her and her family. She did not respond so I took this as a signal that she wanted no contact and I haven't reached out since.

I am inexperienced in this kind of situation.

I have considered blocking her on all levels and just walking away but I somehow can't.

Does anyone have any guidance? ie. should I contact her to see how things are or maintain NC.

[Lion Fire]

I spend a disproportionate amount of time in my head thinking about my ex and it is all painful.

I heard a song this morning and thought of some of the truly wonderful times we had... . I had to readjust myself and get real. The ending of our relationship was vile... . a month of insults, blackmail and abuse on every level.

It's not like I want to get back with her... . the damage is too much to ever feel safe with her on an intimate level. I do miss some of her though, especially the wonderfully kind soul she could be and her light spirit on good days.

Her father is on life support right now. He's a lovely guy and I like him. I am torn whether I should reach out to find out how he is and how she is coping. The last message I sent her was on Sunday which was a simple txt to tell her I was thinking of her and her family. She did not respond so I took this as a signal that she wanted no contact and I haven't reached out since.

I am inexperienced in this kind of situation.

I have considered blocking her on all levels and just walking away but I somehow can't.

Does anyone have any guidance? ie. should I contact her to see how things are or maintain NC.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lion Fire,

This is very fresh for you, and your feelings are so understandable. Of course you miss the good times, that is very natural, and I can relate very much to wanting to reach out.  The added worry about her father, who is also your friend, makes this even harder. 

First of all, can you communicate with someone other than your ex to find out about her father's/your friend's condition?  I think that would be the best strategy if you are feeling anxious about communicating with her.

Secondly, you have sent a caring text, which is a kind thing to do.  The lack of response might have nothing to do with you.  This is a difficult time for the whole family, no?

If you can, get still and ponder what you are really looking for in contacting.  Is it to soothe your anxiety?  Is there some self-care that you can do for yourself to help with these uncomfortable feelings?  I like to do yoga, read, cook myself a delicious dinner, etc.

[Lion Fire]

Heartandwhole, I thank you for your guidance.

I checked my motives and then decided to call her Dad directly in the off chance that he might answer. Well... . he answered and we had a short chat. He said he wasn't in good shape and was still in hospital. I sent my best and told him I'd be in touch.

Now, last Friday she was laying it on thick about being at her Dad's deathbed and how it was a matter of when not if. She gave me a guilt trip about not being with her at her lowest ebb. She told me he was on life support.

Either he has made a miraculous recovery or, as I suspect, she was in a drama cycle and wanted to hook me on my way out of her life

This just confirms that I must take everything she says with a pinch of salt.

I am so relieved that I took time and reached out to this forum before doing anything.

I was about to call her today because it was distressed and feared that her Dad may have died in the last few days.

More evidence that this woman is no good to me.

Thank you :-)

[heartandwhole]

Wow, Lion Fire.  At first, I was going to suggest calling her father directly, but then thinking that would be impossible, because he was on life support.  I believed it, too.

You did the right thing.  Be proud of yourself.  I know this hurts.

I'm so glad that you were able to speak to your friend.   

[Lion Fire]

hey heartandwhole... . I guessed it right

I got two texts within a few hours (which I just blanked) containing the following:

1. "please don't phone or text my Dad, it confuses and panics him"

-although he sounded under the weather, we had a clear conversation and he was glad to hear from me

2. "also, please leave the rest of my family alone. If they want to be in touch with you they will"

-I haven't even thought of contacting them tbh

I guess she feels exposed as her "father on life support" story was bs 

She has also made me delete and unfriend any of the friends she introduced to me. I guess she never wants them to hear my side of the story 

Is this some kind of game to lure me into a text exchange or another snide turn of the blade?

I shake my head at the childishness sometimes. I mean, why does she bother with texts like these?

It's schoolyard stuff 

[AwakenedOne]

hey heartandwhole... . I guessed it right

I got two texts within a few hours (which I just blanked) containing the following:

1. "please don't phone or text my Dad, it confuses and panics him"

-although he sounded under the weather, we had a clear conversation and he was glad to hear from me

2. "also, please leave the rest of my family alone. If they want to be in touch with you they will"

-I haven't even thought of contacting them tbh

I guess she feels exposed as her "father on life support" story was bs  

She has also made me delete and unfriend any of the friends she introduced to me. I guess she never wants them to hear my side of the story  

Is this some kind of game to lure me into a text exchange or another snide turn of the blade?

I shake my head at the childishness sometimes. I mean, why does she bother with texts like these?

It's schoolyard stuff D

LF,

I am glad you got to talk to her father/your friend. That is so great. No matter what happens in the future you can remember that he heard that you cared for him. Considering what you have gone through I think you have been keeping an amazingly good and patient attitude while she slings grief your way. I guess you could call what she's doing childish, but seems to me cruelty and lack of empathy is sure there in the mix. Hang in there man. I relate to what you posted here in a way. Long story and not related to my ex. I would keep it NC or LC as much as possible.

AO

[Lion Fire]

Thanks AO,

I'm feeling better every day... . NC is definitely my policy right now.

I saw my cousin this morning and she told me my ex had contacted her to tell her how "broken" she is by the ending of our relationship... . My cousin asked me what happened and why I "left" her. I did not go into details, did not say an unkind word, and said I had to walk away. She read between the lines and took that as a plausible reason

This woman never ceases to amaze me. She blows the relationship to shreds so that I had no other option than to walk away, bans me from her family and friends and then contacts my family. I shake my head... .  

[Tolou]

Lion

you did a good thing when you called her father, you made a good choice.  Maybe it is best now that you reached out and wished him well that you distance yourself for your own safety and emotional wel-being.  Maybe the whole thing with her not wanting you to have contact number of friends or talking to her family could be for the reasons you mentioned.  And sometimes, when their maturity level is at a low age, they view there family and friends as "theirs" and don't want to share them, especailly if you can expose them... . and their behaviors, which is why I think they project to make us look bad, but it's really how they feel and think about themselves, don't personalize it, choose the higher rode and deal with your feelings and process them in a healthy way. Any contact you keep with someone who is irrational when you feel this way will continue to cause feeling of distress, you don't need that. good luck

[heartandwhole]

I shake my head at the childishness sometimes. I mean, why does she bother with texts like these?

It's schoolyard stuff  

It's really hard to wrap our heads around, Lion Fire.  Remember that there is likely some immaturity present and feelings of shame.  This is about survival for pwBPD, and it isn't personal, although of course to us it feels very personal.  

You are taking the path of integrity, LF, and that is something that no one can take away from you.

Keep writing, you will get through this.