I am so angry

[cult]

I feel like I could just explode. I had a good T session last night and we figured out that I am having feelings about both current situations and very, very old, long gone situations. I feel like a volcano that has started erupting. My fiance and I had arguments both last night and this morning - unlike us. The arguments were not excessive and we resolved them both quickly but I know that my anger is making me reactive and irritable.

I love my fiance and I want to marry her, but I can't imagine shackling myself to her uBPD mother for the rest of my life. The woman is evil and she has already started to mess with me and interfere with my married life. Things will not change once we are married. I know enough, from what I went through last year with my ex who became disordered, to know that love is NOT enough. My fiance does not stand up to her mother the way I would like her to do. Can I marry her knowing that uBPD MIL will always be lurking, doing her best to cause damage?

I have always been the kind, patient, understanding one who lets other people treat her poorly/neglectfully, then gets lots of praise and adulation for being so patient, kind and understanding. Guess what, I'm sick of it! I am sick and tired of being used as a kickball by mentally ill individuals. If I can choose not to have crazy in my life, I should!

I am angry at my fiance for not sticking up to her mother, just like I am angry at my ex for treating me so poorly for years, and I am angry at my father for being abusive and neglectful, and at my mother for not protecting me (and other things)... .

GRRRRRR! I just have to get this out!

[arjay]

Greetings.

Yes I call it "the need to throw up emotionally".  Too much from too many for too long.  I found a lot of exercise helped keep me from regurgitating what was coming up during counseling, to others and especially my SO, kids, etc.  We do need to be able to process these emotions and some of them are really ugly.  It is actually a healthy thing, provided you are allowed to display them in a healthy and safe environment.

When I began to come through the other side (after 18 months of counseling), I began to see not only her in a different light, but how I was engaged in the whole deal too.  In response to your concerns about your fiances inability to confront her mother, I had the same problem with my wife.  My self-esteem and sense of boundaries had been so distorted after years of this stuff, that it almost began to seem "normal" for our relationship.   Once you are so deeply enmeshed it is tough to see life any different.  Boundaries are toppled, our self-esteem suffers, we blame ourselves, tolerate over-the-top behavior and more.  It isn't until we extricate ourselves from the situation, together with compassionate professional help, that the layers of the onion can be peeled away.

Is moving an option for the two of you?  You are talking about building a life together.