Hubby has BPD and he wants to divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He has never said the word divorce... . rather split up, it's over, nothing left to save etc. He is textbook BPD and this is the 6th time in 6 months he has "called it quits", but it's never lasted this long. One minute he's sorry for messing everything up (he has cheated and I found out recently) and the next he's saying he's never known happiness and needs to find himself. He has 3 kids I help raise (well help is mild) full time as their mom isn't in the picture. Why do I still love this man and want to save this marriage? He leaves me to raise his kids while he's out with his wreckless behavior. He constantly pulls the love me/hate me BS. I just feel so lost on how to proceed. I'm sleeping in a different room and when we talk he acts "normal" but now that I know what his normal actually is, I just don't know what to think. And I don't want to abandon his kids.  But I think maybe the "love" is really gone this time... . I'm rambling, sorry. Just lost... .

[lostinlove75]

He has never said the word divorce... . rather split up, it's over, nothing left to save etc. He is textbook BPD and this is the 6th time in 6 months he has "called it quits", but it's never lasted this long. One minute he's sorry for messing everything up (he has cheated and I found out recently) and the next he's saying he's never known happiness and needs to find himself. He has 3 kids I help raise (well help is mild) full time as their mom isn't in the picture. Why do I still love this man and want to save this marriage? He leaves me to raise his kids while he's out with his wreckless behavior. He constantly pulls the love me/hate me BS. I just feel so lost on how to proceed. I'm sleeping in a different room and when we talk he acts "normal" but now that I know what his normal actually is, I just don't know what to think. And I don't want to abandon his kids.  But I think maybe the "love" is really gone this time... . I'm rambling, sorry. Just lost... .

[kfifd196]

I'm in the SAME boat with my uBPD wife... . She would always run home to her parents (at 34 years of age) and they would enable her, because she always blamed her issues on me.  But, she has a history of Rage, etc for years before she met me.  She has threatened "It's over" many times, but left and filed for divorce in February and she is still cold towards me.  She went into a rage and bit me and ran out of the house at 11:45pm and left our 9 month old daughter screaming upstairs!  She devalued me to everyone.  Why did she bite me?  Because she talked about "Stepping in front of a bus" and I tried to calm her down... .   I keep hoping she will change her mind and realize that she's losing the ONE guy that actually is hanging around to support her, as I'm the ONLY one that figured out she has BPD.  Her family just thinks it's from being abandoned as a child, by her father and ex-boyfriends, but they don't see the reality of WHY all the ex boyfriends left her... . Because of her!  She can be an amazing wife and mother, but can also be verbally abusive, physically abusive and goes into rages... . she is EXTREMELY jealous and questions EVERYTHING I do and ANY girl I'm friends with.  She gives me zero space at times and will flip if I don't respond to her texts in 10 minutes, thinking automatically that I must be cheating or something if I can't respond... .   It's sick and sad.  I want to help her but she needs to want to help herself.  Unfortunately, it's destroying our marriage and any chance at a nuclear family, for our daughter... .   I DON'T want a divorce, but she seems dead set on it, like your husband.  The only thing I can make of it, is She  knows she has issues and is tired of "hurting herself" because she is so jealous and scared, that she winds up having her heartbroken everytime,  I think she felt that I was ready to quit after she bit me, so the easiest thing to do is break up with me so she is still in control... .

[lostinlove75]

Thank you for sharing your story. BPD is so hard to understand, even when it's laid out in front of you. Your wife has so many similarities to my husband. Since my original post, he has told the kids they are moving (to be closer to his girlfriend) and gave 30 days notice on our home (I was the last to know). He keeps telling me he is a miserable person and needs to leave before I leave him. Even his kids, whom I loved as my own, have turned on me because they finally are getting positive attention from their father and will do/say anything to make it last.

I finally told him last night that I can't stop him from going and I've done what I can to assure my love for him is always there. He spent the next several hours flip flopping between "u are wonderful and how could u love a person like me" to "I'm just a miserable ___hole and this relationship has never worked. " It's exhausting. I'm going to find a place to live today. I can't save him. He is a runner and won't establish a foundation because of this stupid BPD. His "girlfriend" is in for it once the honeymoon phase is over. I just can't help him anymore. I can't build him up only to watch myself fall.

I wish you all the best kfifd196. Please do what's best for your child. That baby needs you.