Just filed- need positive vibes

[elizabeth716]

So, I just filed dissolution papers along with an emergency protection order for immediate, temporary custody of my son. Though this is the last thing that I want, it is what I must do in order to protect my son, take care of myself, and (potentially) have my uBPD husband deal with his rage/anger attacks and substance abuse/addictive behaviors.

Though I feel strong, I would like to ask for your positive thoughts that this goes as well as possible for my husband. My love for him is ever-present and unconditional, though I know he will feel abandoned. Such different realities.

Thank you for listening and you all are in my thoughts as well, in whatever stage/phase you are in of this process.

[The Mrs]

I know what a difficult thing what you have just done is... .

I just filed and had my husband of 25 years served 21 days ago.

It is hard to imagine it has only been 3 short weeks given the heap op nonstop crazy he has unleashed. 

I used to always wonder, when he would be in his fits of rage and dysregulation, if this is how he talks to and treats me when he "loves" me what might he do when he doesn't?

I have a good therapist, and I have been working with him for over a year.

I believe I have a strong attorney, but I know he already has become annoyed by my husband's antics (leaving copies of the summons and complaint under the doormats of our grown children and extended family; sending out a letter to friends and family that if anything happens to him to look long and hard at me; trying to intimidate me into dropping the divorce ; and just last night leaving copies of my attorney's correspondence with his requesting a 4 way sit down meeting, due to the heightened stress of all parties, and requesting certain discovery documents).

The best support and advice, I can honestly tell you, has been from others on this board.

Forever dad suggested I get the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger...   It  has, so far, proven to be the BEST piece of advice I have received!

Stay strong, keep posting, keep reading... .

Here come those warm, positive, embracing, comforting vibes  

[calpenna]

Elizabeth -- You are doing the right thing and what you did took a lot of courage. Try not to have any expectations about whether or not your uBPD husband will deal with his issues. You don't want to be disappointed and ultimately you have no control over him. Thankfully what you do have control over is your actions and it sounds like you're making some smart, strategic ones.

Yes, he will feel abandoned and unfortunately the resulting rage will likely be directed right at you. That has been my experience thus far. I got a temporary order of protection in January and our divorce process began soon after. It has been a wild ride so far and as soon as things start to seem good and calm his outrageous BPD behavior returns. The only thing I let myself count on is that any good day or period will be followed by an awful one.  I have already found this group SO helpful, because most people in my every day life just don't know what to say and are at a loss for words when I tell yet another crazy story.

We are all here.

[elizabeth716]

Now he knows... . he is continuing to call and text me... . Below is the e-mail that I sent to him just now... .

Continued strength needed... . I'll pay it forward I promise but right now, I need your hands to lift me up.

Over the last four months, I’ve done the best that I can under extremely difficult and painful circumstances. In all honesty, I thought that the time apart would bring us closer together, but that is not the case. My number one priority is to take care of our son and to protect his innocence and the deep love that he has for both of his parents. It is not my goal to take our child away from you…but instead, to allow me the chance to be the primary parent who will take care of him while you work on the root causes for the issues that you are facing. If you can get to a better, more healthy place, you have the potential to get back to being the father and best friend that I have known. You’re not yourself right now, and I see a man in deep pain and strife. That man is lost inside of himself, and I cannot stand by and watch you self-destruct or be a negative impact to those in our family. I promise you that I am not making you out to be a bad person, I always speak about you with respect and love, especially to our son. My love for you is unwavering, but this cycle of negative behaviors and destruction has to stop. This can be temporary; it does not have to be forever. We need to focus on our son’s best interests and being the best possible mom and dad that we can for his growth and development.

Please know that my intention is to have an outcome of healthy and happy parents so that we have a child who is untainted and pure. That can only be done if we have the desire and make the necessary responsible decisions about our life choices.

Love,

Me

[ForeverDad]

Depending on the terms of the protection order and what is covered, you might be limited in communications to only matters involving your son such as his care and exchanges.  While it is excellent that you are being reasonable, it may have to stop or be limited once the order goes into effect.  Confirm with the paperwork, your lawyer or the court to verify what the limits of contact are.

Let's hope he reads the email as it was meant but also be prepared for him not to see the logic, reason and thoughtfulness it contains.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships - what is closer than two spouses? - and it's likely that anything you say can't be perceived as intended due to his immense emotional baggage from the relationship.

[livednlearned]

Hi elizabeth716,

I just read your post from yesterday, and this one today. I really feel for you. 

Your circumstances are different than mine, but not by much. N/BPDx is an attorney, an alcoholic, and we have one son. I wish I left when my son was a toddler... .

You wrote in your other post:

We had a great life for many years, until about three years ago... .

And also this:

on our anniversary two years ago, he told me that he needed to be honest with me about something that was haunting him. We dated for 6 years, he told me at the time that he was faithful, but then confessed to me that during those 6 years, he slept with dozens and dozens of women... . In very extreme, dangerous manners and had no idea how many people he was with. I was, truly, shocked. I trusted him... . Believed him... . Would never have guessed this. But it was my life. How much more has he lied about? Is he a liar?

The best thing about the end of these painful marriages, and the equally painful divorce and custody battles, is the opportunity to redefine for ourselves what it means to love and be loved. Depending on how deeply you commit yourself to the healing process, it may surprise you to learn how your definition of love changes. The lasting effects of this will be profound for your son. You are changing the family script, and your son stands a chance to develop healthy, intimate relationships. It takes a lot of strength to do what you're doing, and I agree with your instincts -- they're good. It's going to hurt for a while, and maybe there will always be sadness, but the FOG lifts and things get more clear, and suddenly you're a different person.

Let go of your husband. It's about you and your son now. This is the best possible place for peer support, and people here will help you navigate the legal system. And don't worry too much about your ex being an attorney. He's very ill, and his illness will make it hard for him to do the right thing.

Like FD said, be very careful about what you email him. Be prepared for everything you send to your H to be read in court. It's a good idea to treat every email as though you are writing to some professional you barely know. If in doubt, check here or email your lawyer to get a second read. Here is probably cheaper 

We're here for you.



LnL



 

[momtara]

Ah, just read this thread.  Hang in there.  I hope he does work on himself so he can be a better parent.  So does he get to see your child at all?  When is that decided?