Weekends are the Worst

[Emelie Emelie]

CIF:  I know.  God I know.  And it does suck.  My daughter has her Senior Prom tonight.  She graduates in a couple of weeks.  All the "families" will be at the Grand March.  I feel so alone.  I'm afraid I'm going to start sobbing tonight.  This is her night.  I have to keep it together.  I am falling apart with you today.  Just overwhelmed with grief and betrayal and longing for all the good stuff.    to you.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Big hugs, most moms shed a few tears so you will be covered,

I keep having the same, "what if I'd kept my mouth shut and tried harder?" thoughts, things were ok if I didn't challenge or speak up.  I know it's wrong but still... .

[Narellan]

Em and CIF  :'( I can really identify with you. Some days are so tough. On those days I spend lots more time on here, and lazing around the house watching a movie or just having a cry in bed. I don't think I've cried for 4 days now, but it's still on my mind the second before I wake up and yes the grief can be overwhelming.

Em, he won't " fall in love" he might attach to someone for a while but ultimately it will end. Try not to think it will work with anyone else. That helps me to realise my exBPD is just going through the motions to self soothe. It guts me to think of him being intimate with my former best friend. It really does, I can't even let my mind go there. It's devastating. But I know in time she will be where I am, kicked to the curb. It's all just time and patience. You will feel better. Contact really does make it all so raw again. And you feel like you're back at square one waiting for the text or call from him.

Take care Hun

. You deserve so much better.

[Turkish]

I was a hermit this weekend. No kids, and living alone half time in the house I only bought for our family (because I was a rootless Nomad-Hermit for years)... Slept in until 9, something I hadn't done since D2 was born, maybe longer than that. The rising sun piercing the curtains demanded I get up (should have bought a house on the opposite side)...

Dropped of the kids' swim suits at her parents' house because she was taking them out of town to a water party. Got there early so I wouldn't have to see her. I survived spending yesterday morning with her going to check out schools for S4 (I insisted we bring the kids since I didn't want to be alone with her).

Went and saw Godzilla, which was surprisingly good, if a bit long. Got lunch at my favorite taqueria. Went to work, and locked myself in the lab for a few hours. Only saw two other souls... spent some time here and only got about an hour's work done. Lost interest. Stopped by same taqueria and got something to heat up later. Stopped by a shop to replace a custom knife taken in the november robbery. Don't need it. Shouldn't be wasting money on it, but I deserved something for myself.

Came home about 7. Finished some laundry. Cleaned a little and did dishes. Now I'm sitting in the backyard (which needs mowing), on my tablet, tossing back a few.

Tomorrow I'll stop by the motrcycle shop for some supplies, then drive 2 hours to my brother's house to get the bike running that's been languishing in his garage, abandoned, for the past 3 years, because I need to sell it for $, and I'm tired of paying insurance on it. Maybe 4 hours there, then drive back. Part of it is so i wont have to see her tomorrow twice in one week, though at some point I'll need to get over that to coparent.

Boring, eh?

As I was typing this, Peter Gabriel's Mercy Street came up on my ipod.

she pictures the broken glass, she pictures the steam

she pictures a soul

with no leak at the seam

Let's be merciful our ourselves.

Take the time we need.

Its the one constant which we have.

[Banshee]

I don't think I've cried for 4 days now, but it's still on my mind the second before I wake up and yes the grief can be overwhelming.

This is so super awesome ... I'm so there too!

Came home about 7. Finished some laundry. Cleaned a little and did dishes. Now I'm sitting in the backyard (which needs mowing), on my tablet, tossing back a few.

I would LOVE some wine but still don't trust myself yet...

[corraline]

My weekends are getting a little more tolerable.  I am getting used to being by myself and feeling a little more comfortable.  Not as anxious or longing for him any more.  I get the odd thing that comes to mind that we would have been doing and then I miss him.  Trying to keep busy but I am usually running around helping out my teenagers even tho they are supposed to be at their dads and in his care on the weekends.   Its ok, they need me, i have the time and Im trying to make up for what i lost being so messed up for the past three years. I did go out last night and had an evening with some women in my community.  It was nice to connect with them.  Working out tomorrow with my son . Being here, reading, chores.

Turkish, i think i win in the boring weekend department... .

[Narellan]

Haha no I think I win. Sat in pjs yesterday til 2 pm, went into work stayed there overnight, left 930 this morn went and watched my son (14) play football Aussie rules. He got knocked out, big lump on head, concussion. Told his dad how to manage head injury. Drove home, mowed front lawn, weeded, got on here for half hr posted a few things, back into work 2:30 to sleep again. Finish work at 9 am tomorrow. Not much thinking time. Did have to drive past ex BPDs house twice on way to work. Breathing easier because his car and caravan still not there. I do check most days, as he lives on the main highway to my house. Dreading the day I see he's back in town. Next week it is... I think.

Fully armed and ready tho

[Emelie Emelie]

And holiday weekends are the very worst.   :'(

[Cardinals in Flight]

I am in MORE pain, and feeling so uncomfortable and I do not know why.  Yeah it's a holiday, but it's not a major holiday.  I stayed busy today, I admit I can't get this out of my head right now, so much bubbling up.  I know I'd be further hurt reaching out, I don't want to really, I do but I don't, which makes no sense. There is zero logic here and that's driving me crazy.  I've had good days, felt good, light hearted even.  Am I so weak that I can't stand being rejected? Or not wanted?  Why is it bothering me so badly that someone so bad for me, AND to me, doesn't want anything to do with me? Why can't that be enough for me to say, "pffft! Good riddance" which is what I'd say if it were anyone else. 

I'm feeling it, not sure what "it" is, but I'm feeling somethin and it sucks big time!  

CiF

[corraline]

I feel that way too.  Sometimes it helps to read some of the posts in the personal inventory board.

I found a thread today that was really very powerful.If you haven't seen it yet, have a look. Hoping you might find something in it for you too

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225829.0

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you Corraline.  I did read the post.  Appreciate it.

[blueman54321]

I'm having a really tough weekend too.

I was going to do some exercise but I blew it off, my motivation has really hit an all time low.

I got a haircut, and got the brakes done on my car in the morning.

I spent most of the day driving, I drove to London and back, while drowning out my mind with the radio on loud.

I clocked 200 miles today.

I am terribly depressed.

[Emelie Emelie]

I hear you Blueman.  I'm pretty depressed as well.  We're finally getting some nice weather here and it just makes me feel worse.  He's probably out enjoying it with someone else and I have no plans at all this weekend.  Trying to dig into some spring cleaning... . so at least I feel like I've accomplished something.

[Cardinals in Flight]

The suggested reading was really good corraline, thank you so much.

Blueman, I did that yesterday, clocked a lotta miles.

Today was a better day, although the evening is a little harder.  I spent the day on the water which is always good.


I do keep mulling a sentence from the suggested thread in personal inventory, "how long has it been since there was meaning interaction with the pwBPD?"... . the gist I got from this is that we, (ME) ruminate and have the internal conversations we WISH we could have or that perhaps we did indeed have during idealization, or honeymoon phase, and that it's a way to process.  God knows this is about as processed as anything can get!  But it did give pause, the statement did touch me in that I thought, "when WAS the last interaction that was truly INTERaction?". It's always, and I am not exaggerating, ALWAYS about the pwBPD!  I cannot recall a truly engaging conversation where both parties were interested in the other!  How sad is that?  During my last talk with my XpwBPD I told her my mother was sick (she's terminal, second cancer diagnosed), she said, and I quote, "she's a trooper! I've put in tons of hours of work this week, and it's really bad, I'm going to be putting in tons more to even get to... . blah blah blah". I was stunned, hurt and stunned.  We (I) really do project onto them the qualities we possess in hopes of setting an example or at least making a dent in order for them to give back a crumb of what we give... .

I'm done with that!  I have a hard time, jump outta my skin missing her like yesterday, and thenI read something that's like a splash of cold water!

We are all here to splash one another, . And I have a great amount of respect and admiration for all of you!

CiF

[Pecator]

We (I) really do project onto them the qualities we possess in hopes of setting an example or at least making a dent in order for them to give back a crumb of what we give... .

We are all here to splash one another, . And I have a great amount of respect and admiration for all of you!

CiF

Well, this is my splash for the day.

Woke up in a strange space. Ruminating and nerves all a whack. Got it in my crazy head that something was wrong. Sent her two emails 5 hours apart asking for a brief not to let me know if everything is ok. She knows I suffer from time to time from this nerve thing.

Not a word. I am projecting that she has even on once of human decency.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm sorry Percator, I know how that feels.  Way back before Christmas I sent an email in the middle of the night, "I miss you so much, it feels like I've lost a limb... . ". Who ignores that? A week or so later I got a reply telling me how horrible I was and this is my fault, same old same old.  As hard and gut wrenching NC is, it's really helped me to gather myself and see the reality.  I was very very anxious and emotional Friday night, I wanted to reach out, but I just clenched my jaw and let the feelings come and eventually they did pass, so we can break the cycle but it hurts like hell.  Hugs to you my friend.  Stay here with us to keep yourself in line

CiF

[goodmann11]

I am starting to question the meaning of life. Its a beautiful day outside and I cannot even be bothered to get up. Reading these posts gives me some comfort that I am not alone in feeling like this but it must stop soon it really must.

I get motivated and then sink back down hill especially at the weekends and bank holiday when I am sure she is having a lovely time with my replacement. Three wasted years and the realisation that it was all just a big fat illusion.

I was never happier and never sadder in my life. I hung on during the detachment and devaluation stage in denial instead of looking for her replacement. Now I just feel empty and am not sure who I am anymore. The confident outgoing responsible guy that she was attracted to has gone for now. I think she sucked it out of me and took it with her.

Last contact I texted her happy Birthday on the 21st May... . She replied a simple Thank U... . I will take that as the only evidence of closure I have

So sad today I realise that I really do need someone in my life to validate me and that I am co-dependent and maybe weaker than I thought

[blueman54321]

Goodman, just ride with that, those are the conclusions we must make and we must internalise and realise that we are.

They do take it out of us and take it with them, we build them up and give everything to them and neglect ourselves.

She may be having fun with someone else but remember that she is mirroring her way into another dysfunction. They are who they are and they cannot realise love when it smacks them in the face.

Self realisation is just another step to healing, becoming a better person, realising your shortfalls that make you vulnerable and improving. This is something they cannot do, since an early age they have not grown emotionally. They zap it out of you and move on, entrap someone else, feed off them, but it doesn't last.

Get up, and go do something, anything, go out of your comfort zone, realise that you will get depressed and you will feel demotivated because you know you have a road ahead of you before you can find yourself again, a better self and find your happiness. Then love will come to you.

We all face that road, and we all don't want to take it, but we must.

[blueman54321]

Think of your future, not hers.

[Emelie Emelie]

Goodmann we all need someone in our lives to validate us.  That doesn't make us weak it makes us human.  What hurts is we want them to validate us.