Epic fail

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Caved went to his house... . Of course it was awesome. We made love. he told me he had been resisting calling me. He said hes afraid of comitting bc his trust issues with his mother (she tried to poison him 3 times) and that when we get together im not dealing with adult ex im dealing with child ex. Ect... . it was heartfelt... . But bps lie so damn much I dont know if he was just putting on a show... .

I cant stay away from him. He wants to keep seeing me without comitment

Bc hed sfraid of continuing to hurt me. He said he felt abandoned, of course,

When I left.

[fromheeltoheal]

He wants to keep seeing me without comitment Bc hed sfraid of continuing to hurt me.

More likely he's afraid of feeling engulfed, the continuous efforts to straddle the line between engulfment and abandonment, the continuous push/pull, the desire to keep you in his life but at arm's length.  Up to you to take control and take care of yourself; you are the only one who can.

[mrgasket]

I have been keeping up with your posts for a while. I am very sorry for your pain ma'am. I can relate to your pain.  You are not alone. Many of us have walked this path. I did it for years even though I didn't know what the "proper" name for it was.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He wants to keep seeing me without comitment Bc hed sfraid of continuing to hurt me.

More likely he's afraid of feeling engulfed, the continuous efforts to straddle the line between engulfment and abandonment, the continuous push/pull, the desire to keep you in his life but at arm's length.  Up to you to take control and take care of yourself; you are the only one who can.

I think that is it too  but he doesnt want me to leave you know? I can tell whatever "love" is for him he has it for me. He says he has too many trust issues so he gets frightened when we re together that im going to hurt him or stab him in the back.



Thanls gasket. The problem is I love him so much. co dependency aside this guy was my best friend for 3 yrs before we ever got together.

[BorisAcusio]

He wants to keep seeing me without comitment Bc hed sfraid of continuing to hurt me.

More likely he's afraid of feeling engulfed, the continuous efforts to straddle the line between engulfment and abandonment, the continuous push/pull, the desire to keep you in his life but at arm's length.  Up to you to take control and take care of yourself; you are the only one who can.

Of course, he will be seeing other women. Discarded or triangulated after you served your purpose as a safety net.

[mrgasket]

Was the dynamic of the relationship between you two the same or different from friends to more than friends? Obviously there were some differences. I don't mean intimacy or connection wise. I mean just the standard of how you were treated as a human. Was it push/pull, hot/cold the whole time?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I love him its so hard. And its hard to to believe he just wants to use me. He promises he wont be seeing other women.  im scared. My heart is so soft towards him. Maybe just be friends and cut him off sexually?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Was the dynamic of the relationship between you two the same or different from friends to more than friends? Obviously there were some differences. I don't mean intimacy or connection wise. I mean just the standard of how you were treated as a human. Was it push/pull, hot/cold the whole time?

Nope not at all as friends.

[BorisAcusio]

I love him its so hard. And its hard to to believe he just wants to use me. He promises he wont be seeing other women.  im scared. My heart is so soft towards him. Maybe just be friends and cut him off sexually?

If he is really BPD then he will say/promise just about anything to ease the fear of abandoment. At the end of the day, it's all about him and his needs.

[mrgasket]

I love him its so hard. And its hard to to believe he just wants to use me. He promises he wont be seeing other women.  im scared. My heart is so soft towards him. Maybe just be friends and cut him off sexually?

Yup, it is hard. Especially when you are square in the middle of it. I think perspective can be a wonderful thing. One of the things that helps me is to think of someone I love deeply but not in a romantic way (for me it is mostly my son,who is 9yo... . it had better be A LONG time before anything like this becomes applicable!) and if I knew they were dealing with this what would I hope they would do. What would they say is an acceptable way to be treated? What would truly make them happy and healthy? (cynical I know  ) I think this is most helpful for me due to the fact that I have had strong co-dependant tendencies as far back as I can remember. I am willing/happy to endure more than I would want to see or put on someone else. Putting others needs before my own. Classic co-dependency! So when I put it in a third-person perspective it helps me get some what of a more clear picture?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I feel trapped and stuck.

He was so sweet its so hard to resist that.

[Trent]

He was so sweet its so hard to resist that.

Aren't they always after a separation?  This is how they suck you back in, or at least how mine did it to me.  I'm a sucker for a sweet girl.    But after reading a lot here, now I know it's part of her disorder, part of her manipulative efforts to get what she wants.  Unfortunately, she can't possibly maintain that sweetness for very long, since it's only a mask for the pain she feels deep inside her.  And we all know what happens when that mask comes off 

When you're truly ready to move forward, you will cut him off completely, work through the pain, and resist the violent urges to run back to him.  Going back tells me that you're just not there yet.  No judgement... . most/all of us here been there, as I certainly have.  My only suggestions would be to 1- keep your expectations of him low, 2- keep yourself protected and 3- enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts

[heartandwhole]

I feel trapped and stuck.

He was so sweet its so hard to resist that.

Hi Hurt,

It is hard to resist, detaching is so much harder when that happens.  It's not easy, but I think it's important to think about what is best for you.  What kind of relationship do you want?  Are you willing to accept the kind of relationship he wants with you? 

It's difficult to see our relationships clearly – see what it really is – when we are confused and feeling loved again.  I've been there.

If you decide that are not ready to let go, I recommend checking out the Undecided and Staying boards, because the tools there will help you communicate better, defend boundaries, and take care of yourself within the relationship.

We are here for you. 

[AwakenedOne]

HBR,

BPD or not isn't he just using you?

If this is a friendship that you want protect your heart and don't expect much from him at all or you will have even more pain down the road if he decides to throw you away.

This is caring advice from someone who has been thrown away.



AO

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He says hes not using me... He said hr just has issues getting close.

He says if I get any closer ill hate him.

But that im the closest person to him

[AwakenedOne]

He says hes not using me... He said hr just has issues getting close.

He says if I get any closer ill hate him.

But that im the closest person to him

People who use others don't announce to the other person that they are being used unfortunately.

Please be careful with your heart. I understand. Hope you find peace and happiness.

[fromheeltoheal]

A sad thing about the disorder is people with it want close, intimate relationships, just like all humans, even more so with borderlines who are hypersensitive.  Problem is when a borderline gets too close to someone they lose themselves, since their version of "close" means fusing into one person, not two autonomous individuals coming together in a mutually beneficial partnership.

He says hes not using me... He said hr just has issues getting close.

He says if I get any closer ill hate him.

Kudos for his apparent self-awareness, and remember he's seeing things from inside the disorder, as we all are seeing the world through our own lenses; he may see himself as just trying to survive in a very difficult life, not using people, although that's what it can look like from the outside, especially if you're enmeshed with the pathology.  Very sad this disorder, it makes it impossible for the sufferer to get what they really want, but you can't fix it, and there's an opportunity to save yourself, since you are the only one who can or will.  Very hard to walk away from a drowning person you love, but notice how they always survive anyway?

[Waifed]

HBR

History from members of this site and my personal history say that this will not turn out the way you want it to. My ex also said she wasn't using me but her actions showed otherwise. Towards the end when I was trying to detach things were fine unless we saw one another. She literally begged me to stay with her when she saw me. My physical presence triggered her fear of me not being in her life. When I wasn't with her it was kind of out of site out of mind. This played out over about a three week period and was the most painful part of any relationship I have ever been in. My point to all of this is that you will reach a point where the pain outweighs the pleasure. Unfortunately for you the pain is going to increase exponentially as this plays out. Please consider yourself first in every action you take with him from here on out. You have the rest of your life to be with YOURSELF. Show yourself that respect. Although it is hard to imagine, he will be just a fleeting memory one day.

[BorisAcusio]

We've all been there and unfortunately at the end there is no ride into the sunset. You will soon find out that they are not capable of a reciprocal adult relationship.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

This is so hard. I love him.

[1KitKat]

Be careful, HBR27.  Be kind to yourself, and to your heart. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

So why would he want to find someone else? Because I'm not good enough to him... what would be his reasoning?

He doesn't get a lot of game... and I wonder sometimes if he could if he would drop me so fast.

What is the point of that though? I mean is he not satisfied with what I have to offer?

[Perdita]

Problem is when a borderline gets too close to someone they lose themselves, since their version of "close" means fusing into one person, not two autonomous individuals coming together in a mutually beneficial partnership.

That was very helpful info for me. 

[blissful_camper]

He says hes not using me... He said hr just has issues getting close.

He says if I get any closer ill hate him.

But that im the closest person to him

Sadly, I heard those same words from my ex.  We're here to support you whatever you decide.  

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Ugh I hate it when it gets moved.

[Perdita]

Hi HBR,

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are right now.  It's very frustrating.  They want us in their lives yet they don't.  They don't want us to see other guys and say they don't want to see other women yet they refuse to commit. It's extremely confusing.Simply makes no sense from where I am sitting.  They are so self-absorbed about their feelings that they fail to realize that they are taking away our sense of emotional security in the "relationship" by going back and forth like this.  I honestly feel physically sick about it at times. 

[mywifecrazy]

Hey HBR, I think your username says it all.  You selected that name for a reason. Hurting people HURT people. You were hurt before by him and you WILL be hurt by him again only this time the hurt will be more painful! Please think this through LOGICALLY and not emotionally.  We all have been hurt on here because our emotions had us ignoring all the red flags that were right in front of us. Never again for me! Only a healthy relationship with a healthy person from here on out or NO relationship!

[blissful_camper]

So why would he want to find someone else? Because I'm not good enough to him... what would be his reasoning?

He doesn't get a lot of game... and I wonder sometimes if he could if he would drop me so fast.

What is the point of that though? I mean is he not satisfied with what I have to offer?

No, it's not because you're not good enough to him.  Please don't think that about yourself.  You deserve the best that life has to offer. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

But he doesn't see it right? That's what we're getting here right

[1KitKat]

Problem is when a borderline gets too close to someone they lose themselves, since their version of "close" means fusing into one person, not two autonomous individuals coming together in a mutually beneficial partnership.

This is the real truth.  They DO fuse into one person; they take what they feel is important to the other, and they BECOME it.  When the other finally figures it out, this blows BPD's cover.  I feel that my ex is so angry with me for this specific reason - that I've blown his cover.  I am in a slightly different position; my ex told me last year that he had 'fallen out of love' with me.  I don't have to worry about him coming back and begging.  That rocked my entire world, until I figured out that he never loved me in the first place.  He does not know love.  He has spent his life observing other relationships, and he has put together a reasonable facsimile of what he thinks love and relationships should be.  When he meets a likely candidate, he goes for it.  It happened to me, it happened to the one before me, and the one before that... . etc... . etc... .

Once I figured that whole scenario out, I stopped taking most of what has happened personally.  I still have my moments (had a few of them this weekend, in fact), but I am so much better for having figured this piece out.  As I said, I don't have to worry about him coming back and begging for another chance, but I DO have to watch the gaslighting and baiting.  :)espite telling the therapist and me that he would stop, he still does it, and I had another chat with him about it last night.  I didn't get much in the way of a response from him, but he heard me loud and clear when I told him to F**K off with the behaviour.  LOUD and CLEAR.  I'm not putting up with it anymore.