Gunning for 30 days NC

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hey Leaving friends,

Y'all know that I've really struggled these last several weeks at the ending of a tumultuous ending of 3+ year rs with an XpwBPD.  The NC thing has been gut wrenchingly difficult but is also at the same time doing its job.  Numerous times, (too many to keep track of) I have wanted to reach out to her because I miss her.  I've asked God to help me be strong and to really push myself into uncomfortable places.

For several weekends I've stayed home, only venturing out for short stays etc because frankly I was depressed.  Yesterday, I drove to a location known for excellent hiking, made sure I had my compass  , and took off for parts unknown.  I did not feel unsafe, in fact, after 30 minutes or so it was exhilarating! Yeah, I thought about her, I thought about a lot of things.

I also realized that I tend to give up too easily, stay in my comfort zone.  At one point, after about an hour plus on the trail, I saw what appeared to be an insurmountable spot whereby I'd have to turn back.  It "looked/appeared to be" kind of dangerous.  I stopped for a few moments on a tree stump but? I'd asked God to help me push myself right? So I went further and the object became HUGE the closer I got.  But you know what? After I reached the point of possibly turning back? The path sharply turned in a different direction, there was no obstacle on the actual path whatsoever, even though incredibly steep, a few tree branches served as handholds and I made it!  So what seemed to be overwhelming and impossible to navigate wasn't impossible after all.  It felt wonderful to challenge myself AND succeed.  My help was right there! It has been all along... .

I've decided that the X has lost a real asset in her life, yes I have my problems, and I know how those issues contributed to my getting involved and falling for her so easily.  My part exacerbated her issues as well, but I've grown a bit and can see my own flaws and know how to sometimes redirect myself to handle future relationships of any kind with better emotional maturity.

I hope any of you who are struggling mightily may begin to challenge yourself in ways that will help you out of this horrible funk of trying to detach from our toxic relationships.  Ive never done anything harder in my life.

I wish my fellow leaving peeps lots of peace today, try really hard to disengage from the blender going on in your head, even for just an hour.  I'm going to turn my head blender off again today

CiF

[myself]

Good for you! Nice example of how, when we face the possible obstacles before us, there very often is a way past them. Finding they weren't so bad after all. That detours can still get us where we're going. Even if you would have had to turn around, you still went out there. With more confidence now to go again. To live your life as you choose. Same path, different scenery, because you're moving forward. 

[heartandwhole]

Awesome, CIF!  It is wonderful when we start to venture out again, physically and mentally. 

Your post reminded me of this thread: Believing in yourself

Keep walking, CIF, I know you will reach the summit.

[AwakenedOne]

CiF,

This is such a nice post! I like the "head blender" comment too. 

AO

[crushed_to_pieces]

Thank you for that encouraging post! I'm only on day 10 NC and i'm in so much pain still. Reading your journey gives me hope. I pray every day and know that God will see me through this storm.

I'm proud of your strength!

[Banshee]

This is EXACTLY what I needed today ... . I cried as I read it... it's truly Awesome!

Cardinals in Flight

[patientandclear]

 

This is such a wonderful report.  YOU are wonderful and it sounds like there will be less in your way from here on.  So happy to hear this.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you all! I won't lie, I'm a puddle this evening, but I'm also exhausted from moving one of my kids.  Guess where? The regular old stomping grounds of me and the X.  It was hard and probably is contributing to some low ebb right now.  I know that all my days cant be mountain top experiences.  I did turn the blender off, I bought one too, LOL.

We can do this guys, yes we can.

   

CiF