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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Why did my ex tell me this lie?  (Read 1321 times)
AwakenedOne
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« on: May 06, 2014, 12:28:59 AM »

Why did my uBPDstbxw tell me this lie? (As it relates to BPD)

She told me so many lies. This is one of the worst lies I was told by her. It bothered me very much. How does this lie fit in with BPD?  

She told me she had a dream one night where she was going to die on November 6th. She went into extreme detail about the dream and was scaring the hell out of me and was portraying herself to be so scared too. We even together wrote out on paper the details of the dream including a description of truck and highway and other things like the weather time of day ect... . trying to figure out where it was in our town that this accident death would occur so it could be avoided if this was true. We figured it was worth thinking this out, but not to change our lives over. You know, just in case don't go down Cedar Street on Nov 12 type of thinking. She got me to believe that this is so detailed it must be believed. She kept this up for about a month. I admit I worried over this because she said in the past she had similar things happen and they came true. The day passed and we were thankful nothing happened. A year later she admitted she lied to me during an unrelated argument. I considered this a huge f**k**g thing about me being minipulated. I saw her sad face when she told me this though and I felt sorry for her and I didnt give her hell for that huge lie to me. I made a couple calm comments and let it drop.

Was this for attention or what? How does BPD fall into the answer

Background -> At the time our relationship was ok, not great but ok.

I'm not losing sleep over this but I would be interested in the answer.

I always wondered what this was all about, you know like why?

AO


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TitaniumPhoebe

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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2014, 12:37:54 AM »

I would guess seeking attention. They seem to like drama.
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2014, 12:50:25 AM »

I agree, drama.  And perhaps to increase your level of concern for her (an accident), and guarantee your focus on her (she kept it going for nearly a month). Maybe her fear of abandonment was reaching a high point, and she expressed it to you in the form of a manufactured dream to see if you would be upset if you lost her.  Sounds to me like she needed to know that you cared. 
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2014, 12:53:15 AM »

My ex did the same, made up a lie about a dream because he couldn't express directly what his fears were. 

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RecycledNoMore
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2014, 12:54:55 AM »

I agree, attention.

Feelings = facts to pwBPD

She needed attention,so she fabricates an outlandish dream sequence to which you respond by trying to help her figure it out,in her mind( at the time) she believed what she was telling you.

She needed attention for whatever reason

She did what she needed to do to get it.

She made up a story to fit her reality( need for attention)

Its sad, and I know how much all the lies hurt

The saddest thing is,pwBPD dont see them as lies,they do what they do to survive,the lies become their truth.

Im no expert but thats how I see it,

Peace AO
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Banshee
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« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2014, 01:06:54 AM »

I think it to be more odd that she told you the truth a year later? I mean If I told a whopper like that and there was no way the person could find out ,what would be my motive to being honest after all that time? 
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letmeout
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« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2014, 02:26:50 AM »

My BPDex actually believed his dreams were real, it was so bizarre.
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Narellan
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« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2014, 03:00:35 AM »

My ex told me he'd bought a motorbike and rode it into a tree the same day he had it and broke his collarbone. He was laughing and happy with his arm around me as he told me. I laughed and enjoyed the story. He said his parents sold it the following day. About a week later I was having a drink with his mum just the two of us, laughing and telling stories, and I mentioned this funny story. She didn't even bat an eye, just said " no he never had a motorbike, he fell out of a tree and broke his arm@ I didn't ask any questions just thought why would he make that story up? Makes no sense. I think he must be a pathological liar because lots of stuff he told me, lots of weird and funny stories I now doubt were true. Plus he said to me frequently " you must know by now I'd never lie to you "
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Skip
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« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2014, 01:46:43 PM »

Was this for attention or what? How does BPD fall into the answer

Most likely.  She had some feelings and probably elaborated on the story to explain them.  She saw you express an incredible amount of concern and show how important she was to you and that was soothing.  She feed it more.

Where did he truth end and the exaggeration start?  You'll never know.

Sounds like she had remorse and shame in the end. 

People sometimes ride a wave of kindness. Describe the near accident as nearer than it was or the surgery more severe than it was.  Kids do this often.

Sad when you think about it.
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Banshee
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« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2014, 02:21:21 PM »

Excerpt
Most likely.  She had some feelings and probably elaborated on the story to explain them.  She saw you express an incredible amount of concern and show how important she was to you and that was soothing.  She feed it more.

Where did he truth end and the exaggeration start?  You'll never know.

Sounds like she had remorse and shame in the end. 

People sometimes ride a wave of kindness. Describe the near accident as nearer than it was or the surgery more severe than it was.  Kids do this often.

Sad when you think about it.

Whoa now that's makes so mush sense...
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2014, 09:20:21 PM »

Skip / Everyone,

Thank you all very much for your help in answering this question.

AO
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bpdspell
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« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2014, 12:35:33 AM »

Everyone's responses were spot on. But in short the why is called "mental illness."

Awakened one,

You will never be able to decipher the thoughts and motivations of a mentally ill person. Many of us will go back into our emotional rolodex trying to decipher the word's of our ex's and their motivations. When we do this we have the tendency to make their behavior "personal." And when our thoughts start spinning about the past we trigger the belief that there's something we've could have said or done differently to change our current outcome when in truth nothing can stop the implosion of a BPD relationship.

Our ex's lie not because of us but because of their mental illness called BPD.

Our ex's cheat not because of us but because this is what they do to self-soothe. The betrayal has nothing to do with us.

Our ex's manipulate because they are emotional children. The need control and they need to steer the reigns of the relationship to avoid feeling abandoned at all costs.

Our ex's abandon us because of they are sick in the head. Not because we weren't good enough.

Their actions and their lies are all about them and their need to feed their disorder.

Your ex told you a lie cause that's what she needed to do at the time to have your full emotional attention. They do this because it works. The deeper issue is exploring your own hurt by grieving and mourning the dream of whom you hoped this woman could be.

Spell
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letmeout
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« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2014, 12:39:43 AM »

Thank you Spell, you spelled that out clearly and it comes at a time when I need to hear it again.
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Skip
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« Reply #13 on: May 07, 2014, 06:19:19 AM »

You will never be able to decipher the thoughts and motivations of a mentally ill person.  

When we look back and break it all down, is this really the answer?

72% of the members here are depressed.  76% tested above the average for a mood, personality, or anxiety disorder.  We have members with addictions.  Will we never be able to decipher their thoughts and motivations?

Their actions and their lies are all about them and their need to feed their disorder. They do this because it works.

Is this different than our actions and our lies?  'spell, your relationship was an affair - what were you feeding? No judgment, promise (I'm not in a position to cast any stones), just making a point. Smiling (click to insert in post)

If we boil it down to "You will never be able to decipher the thoughts and motivations of a mentally ill person. Their actions and their lies are all about them and their need to feed their disorder. They do this because it works." are we growing and exhibiting high emotional intelligence or are we relying on some of the lower emotional intelligence that was prevalent in or relationship?

And when our thoughts start spinning about the past we trigger the belief that there's something we've could have said or done differently to change our current outcome when in truth nothing can stop the implosion of a BPD relationship.

There is no question that a person with BPD or BPD traits is going to have a life of relationship instability.  But what is our story?  Why did we implode?

It always seems to me that these relationships are far more complex.
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« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2014, 06:41:35 AM »

Skip's post really relates to what I've been going through for the past fourteen months.  Why did we choose this relationship in the first place?  What was going on inside of us that made us 'need' this person that we chose?

My own journey over the past months has led me to identify that I am co-dependent, so when my ex came along all those years ago, I was ripe for the picking.  I was coming off a bad relationship with someone else who had cheated on me for the previous 12 years (yes, I stuck around for 12 years on that one too).  I am climbing out of the co-dependent mindset, but I never would have been prompted to do so (or even known that I was co-dependent) had none of this ever happened.  My implosion was so great that I almost didn't make it last summer, but when I started coming out on the other side, I addressed some very long-standing issues with my parents, an abuse situation with another family member... . so on and so forth.  I was finally able to forgive my mother this past April, and I meant it.  Now I'm working on forgiving myself, shedding the self-loathing and all of the nastiness that comes with it.  This is a difficult piece.  And yes, I am clinically depressed, and this makes me do and say some very weird things on a regular basis.  Now though, I can see myself doing and saying these bizarre things, and sometimes I am able to take a step back and observe my behaviour (which, when I am in that funk, can be very counter-productive).

Will my ex ever stop doing and saying the things he does?  I don't know.  He just pulled some baiting stuff a few days ago that put me right back in the crazy hopper.  The difference now is that I didn't stay there for long.  Tough road, but as my therapist told me, I'm brave enough to travel it.  And as my dear sister put it, it's not about what THEY do.  It's about what WE do.  Our shift inside of ourselves is in no way dependent on the actions of anybody but ourselves.

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going places
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« Reply #15 on: May 07, 2014, 07:19:54 AM »

Why did my uBPDstbxw tell me this lie? (As it relates to BPD)

She told me so many lies. This is one of the worst lies I was told by her. It bothered me very much. How does this lie fit in with BPD?  

She told me she had a dream one night where she was going to die on November 6th. She went into extreme detail about the dream and was scaring the hell out of me and was portraying herself to be so scared too. We even together wrote out on paper the details of the dream including a description of truck and highway and other things like the weather time of day ect... . trying to figure out where it was in our town that this accident death would occur so it could be avoided if this was true. We figured it was worth thinking this out, but not to change our lives over. You know, just in case don't go down Cedar Street on Nov 12 type of thinking. She got me to believe that this is so detailed it must be believed. She kept this up for about a month. I admit I worried over this because she said in the past she had similar things happen and they came true. The day passed and we were thankful nothing happened. A year later she admitted she lied to me during an unrelated argument. I considered this a huge f**k**g thing about me being minipulated. I saw her sad face when she told me this though and I felt sorry for her and I didnt give her hell for that huge lie to me. I made a couple calm comments and let it drop.

Was this for attention or what? How does BPD fall into the answer

Background -> At the time our relationship was ok, not great but ok.

I'm not losing sleep over this but I would be interested in the answer.

I always wondered what this was all about, you know like why?

AO

IMHO?

Yes, this was for attention.

She wanted you to fuss over her, show deep concern for her, engage your 'rescue mode', etc.

Maybe this is how her parents operated... . by manipulating each other.

Maybe she has been in relationships, where she has been manipulated.

Maybe, she is just full of herself and is an evil, manipulator.

Why do people lie and manipulate?

To get what they want.

They don't care HOW they get it, they just want it and will do anything to get it.

For some it's a generational curse, that they have yet to recognize and break.

For others, it's a way of life, handed down generation after generation and they are OK with it.

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Runningbare

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« Reply #16 on: May 07, 2014, 07:41:50 AM »

Excerpt
72% of the members here are depressed.  76% tested above the average for a mood, personality, or anxiety disorder.  We have members with addictions.  Will we never be able to decipher their thoughts and motivations?

Which was the basis of one of my original posts. Which was then edited and re-posted.

Why would someone who is honest enough to admit their own problems, which has been addressed through diagnosis and hard work, not be able to relate trauma experienced through the involvement of someone with more serious un-addressed problems.

Could it not be conceivable then that roughly 75% of the membership are liars, or to scared to admit their own problems due to being unwelcome and asked to move along?

For me, that is actually the line I draw. Lying is for me the most damaging behavior. As many issues and tendencies as I may have. Honesty is my core, its the only reason I feel I am not crazy

As much as I am horrified by some of the behavior I have witnessed and endured, due to my involvement with two diagnosed BPDs since my marriage. I know my ex wife feels just as horrified by my behavior. And I now recognise her feelings, even tho my behavior has not been particuarly bad.

Its a matter of perception and sensitivity.

If anyone was to master total emotional regulation and perfection of every concept of cognition that can be learned. Would they not be too boring to bother knowing anyway.

And if we all could do this, would we not all bore each other to death.

Honesty, to me is exceptionally rare. To me, its what makes exceptional people. If the tool of not rewarding bad behavior is valid, why would good behavior not be rewarded?
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