Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 28, 2021, 04:57:17 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Was it harder for you the second time around?  (Read 1222 times)
Emelie Emelie
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 665


« on: May 05, 2014, 06:27:29 PM »

If they left you, talked you into coming back, and left you again... . was it worse for you than the first time?

I really thought I was in a different place.  That I was walking into it with my eyes wide open.  I had boundaries.  I had communication techniques.  I had a much better understanding of BPD.  I had gotten myself together.  And here I am... . worse off in many ways than I was after the first breakup.  Last time there was a great deal of pain but also a great deal of anxiety.  This time around there's greater pain and not so much anxiety as depression. 

Last time I reached out to him, often, in the aftermath so we were in some form of communication.  This time I'm leaving him alone.  Maybe that's part of it?

This time I think I feel a sort of hopelessness.  He was so determined to make it work.  Willing to do whatever it took.  Loved me more than any woman he had ever known.  It took a while.  But he worked me.  And it was great.  For about three months it was great.  Then suddenly it wasn't.  It happened so fast.  Within a week.  He started to get irritable and annoyed with me.  I assumed he was crabby as he was recovering from surgery.  Then the criticizing and the anger started.  I could do no right.  Then we have a phone conversation (he'd been drinking) and he was being pissy with me.  I asked what was going on.  He said that we would talk about it tomorrow.  He said we'd been invited for dinner by friends of his.  But there were some things he wanted to talk about.  He didn't want to go if we were "fighting".  I asked what we would be fighting about.  He lost it.  Started screaming and raging and berating and telling me what a horrible girlfriend  I was and that was it.  That was the last time I spoke to him.  (Texts but he wouldn't take my call.)  Now he won't respond to me at all.  It literally all went down within a week.  I just don't know what happened. I am just freaking heartbroken.   
Logged
Hurtbeyondrepair27
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single (1 month)
Posts: 472


« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2014, 06:39:33 PM »

Im so sorry. I really mean that and feel your pain.

I went back too... We made love... He treated me awesomely.then silence and im still blocked on fb.

It hurts waaay worse bc I lost all my progress and power.

He doesnt care about me and its painfully obvious so

Im hurting more than I ever have.

This is so gd hard.

The pain is almost unbearable.

I am heartbroken too. It seems they thinl we will

Put up with all their crap so they get comfortable, treat us badly,

Then go cold.

Its so terribly heartbreaking.

Youre not alone.
Logged

Banshee
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 210



« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2014, 07:49:49 PM »

I didn't have much of a "honeymoon phase" at the very start... so after breaking up for 2 months and getting back together, he was laying it on THICK... It was crazy how he was acting and talking.

Lasted about 3 weeks... that last week was prickly then... . boom.This break up is  worse than last too.


Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2014, 08:44:52 PM »

It's definitely worse the more it happens. After each split when he came back wed talk about it, spent hours discussing the pain and devastation. We put safeguards in place like " when u feel u need space, tell me" nothing worked and this split was truly debilitating on every level. Hours before he loved me, and no words of needing space. If anything I felt he was over the top smothering me, numerous phone calls and heaps of photos of us together being posted on FB. The deleted an hour later. It was humiliating and such a shock as wed just holidayed together a few days before. It was the closest wed been ever. And I was on a huge high, so the fall was devastating.
Logged
Cardinals in Flight
formerly NurseRatchet
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 652



« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2014, 09:00:43 PM »

With each recycle, (no sex in mine) the connection is less and less.  I should have known with the lack of connection this last time that it was to be short-lived and final.  It hurts, the hurt hasn't been greater but different. It's the loss of hope.  Hope was always my mainstay, I prayed for healing and recovery for both of us, I still do, but with no hope.

CiF
Logged
rollercoaster24
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living apart six months
Posts: 362



« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2014, 12:31:20 AM »

Hi all

I have to say here (and rather ashamedly) that there was way more than a 2nd time for us. My ex would instigate fights and distance at least twice per week, for the whole 4 years I was with him. And yes, each time the falls were worse and worse.

I think the longest he ever went in a good spell was about 2-3 weeks.

I have read repeatedly on the internet, (as well as speaking to several counsellors and doctors) that violent relationships are often where one of the partners has Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was commonly thought that mostly females suffered from this, but the research over the last few years, is now finding that just as many males suffer from it, and a lot of them are in jail doing time for violent assaults on female partners.

It was only assumed that more females suffered from the disorder because as a whole females are more likely to seek help for their issues than males are, (sorry to sound sexist here, but these are facts).

Given that the propensity for violent relationships sways more towards men towards women, then perhaps there are decidedly more men with this disorder than commonly thought opposite.

I know my ex partner was violent, and he thought it was entirely normal too, often laughed about it, (unless it was directed towards him of course). I was physically assaulted way more than was necessary, my life was threatened too many times, and I really should have done something about it, but restraining orders do nothing, they don't get made to deal with their issues, they just move on and find some replacement to treat like crap.

I hope he never gets that chance again, it is my most fervent wish, that every female he meets is stronger than I was, and they kick his sorry ass to the kerb, (if he manages to pull the wool over their eyes for longer than is necessary or kind).

Cheers anyway, and thanks for letting me share

Roller
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2014, 01:10:43 AM »

I'm sorry to say that this was our fourth split in four months. He never raged but just dropped off the radar, and woul come back after a week or so. I just accepted he needed space because when we were together it was every day for hours and numerous phone calls and declarations of love. The previous split he had been quiet NC for about ten days and I text and said " I see that you don't want to talk to me anymore, but I just wanted to wish you all the best for your trip" (he went away for few months for work) within 30 secs of sendingbmy text he rang and said " stop thinking so much, everything's fine. I was thinking about going rabbit shooting tonight if u want to come" and I did. And then full on again for a month until final split. Really bizarre behaviour, but I started to question then if I was thinking too much. And that he was the normal one.
Logged
Banshee
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 210



« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2014, 11:52:43 AM »

Excerpt
" stop thinking so much, everything's fine

I got that too... It was always when he was quiet or I hadn't heard from him
Logged
tholian

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 49



WWW
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2014, 08:59:17 PM »

Definitely the 2nd time hurts more. Because you will go in thinking this time it will be different, you will think you have this covered, you have set new rules and boundaries. In my case my uBPDx treated me well, i saw some improvements compared to her previous attitude and i let my guard down. Then she went back to her exBF, lied to me about it and started spending time with him and me. I was not aware of this till one day when i dropped her off at her place, her exBF was waiting for her and demanding what she has been up to. I broke my heart all over again and that's when i knew, even if i were to forgive her for her past mistakes, she will still take me for a ride and do things to hurt me. She never apologized for it or admitted she made a mistake. I walked away from this toxic relationship and been NC for more than 30 days now.

I wont lie i don't miss her or tempted to break the NC, but i know no good will come out of it.
Logged
Emelie Emelie
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 665


« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2014, 09:51:13 PM »

Good for you Tholian... . nc for 30 days.  I've never made it more than a week.  Yes... . I think you're right.  You go into it more hopeful the second time around.  I thought he really did "realize" that he lost something when he lost me.  Someone who loved him and accepted him despite all.  And for him to blame it all on me again... . Well let's just say this disorder is bigger than all of us.  However I also know if I was "healthier" when it came to relationships I would have probably ended it when the first HUGE red flags showed up... . about a month in.  I didn't.  I stayed through much more abusive behavior.  And I went back for more.  (Not that I was perfect in the rs... . I wasn't.)  Trying to get it through my thick skull that IT JUST ISN'T GOING TO WORK.  And now we're at the point where he DOESN'T WANT IT TO WORK.  He doesn't care.  He just wants me out of his life.  So what's left for me is to stop obsessing about him and start concentrating on my issues and my life.  Easier said than done. 

I'm glad you realize no good will come out of contacting her.  I needed to come to that realization about two weeks ago.  I know you miss her.  I so understand that.  Let's both try and be strong... . okay?
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2014, 10:37:48 PM »

Well said guys. It's hard to be string when were in such despair, but the strength does come back. Tenfold. Well done Em. You are moving forward and realise you deserve better. It gives others strength to see this. Thank you 
Logged
tholian

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 49



WWW
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2014, 11:18:08 PM »

Good for you Tholian... . nc for 30 days.  I've never made it more than a week. 

I must tell you, this 30 days have not been easy. In this 30 days, lots of things happened: she got back together with her ex (the guy she kept in touch behind my back when she was engaged to me), her birthday was on 2nd May, i heard she just got into an accident and the car is in workshop though she is fine. My heart yearns to reach out for her, but i recall her having an affair with her college while engaged to me, spent the night with him and and all the while was wearing the engagement ring i gave her, how un-appreciative she was, all the lies and manipulation... . the list goes on... . The pain i feel on my chest when i think of her (the sadness, the longing of her company and the hurt) is too much and that's what makes me keep my NC. I can't go through this again as i might not be able to recover or establish a good life of my own.

Excerpt
I know you miss her. 



Miss her a lot but wondering at the same time was she actually herself when she was with me. Am i missing the person i think of her or just some kind on made up person. Also, i know she don't miss me. I'm nobody to her as she has someone in her life now.

Excerpt
Let's both try and be strong... . okay?

Okay. Being strong is all we can do to get out of this mess that we are in.

Have a good day and will you all the best Emelie.
Logged
Tincup
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 421


« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2014, 11:05:14 AM »

For me with each recycle the connection was less and less.  But I probably would of been ok with this, if this was the only issue.  But for me I think the LACK of SECURITY in each recycle was the worst part.  Knowing that I WOULD BE DEVALUED at any given time and she would break up.  It led me to not wanting to invest heavily in the relationship emotionally because I "knew what was coming".  What a horrible way to be in a relationship.

I do remember when I was married to my now ex wife (she did not have BPD).  I remember the security I had in that relationship.  I knew I could be myself, that I could screw up, etc and she would have my back.   After the first break up with my exgf with BPD I never felt that way again during the probably 8-10 recycles. 
Logged
BorisAcusio
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 671



« Reply #13 on: May 07, 2014, 11:26:59 AM »

For me with each recycle the connection was less and less.  But I probably would of been ok with this, if this was the only issue.  But for me I think the LACK of SECURITY in each recycle was the worst part.  Knowing that I WOULD BE DEVALUED at any given time and she would break up.  It led me to not wanting to invest heavily in the relationship emotionally because I "knew what was coming".  What a horrible way to be in a relationship.

I do remember when I was married to my now ex wife (she did not have BPD).  I remember the security I had in that relationship.  I knew I could be myself, that I could screw up, etc and she would have my back.   After the first break up with my exgf with BPD I never felt that way again during the probably 8-10 recycles. 

Same feelings here. In my previous long term relationship, lasting 5 years, we only had one serious fight that was comperable to the continous rages of my BPDex. She said some horrible things about me, but few hours later, honestly apologized for it, blaming herself and I could see that she felt serious guilt for days, because overreacted and hurted me. 

With my BPDex? She could literally rage over a slice of pizza(!), humiliating me in public, devaluing with things I wouldn't even use against my enemy, holding the grudge and then feel NO REMORSE OR GUILT AT ALL. Worse, I was the one who tried to find out why she rages and apologizing for hours with the techniques learned on the staying board but she wouldn't even consider accepting it. According to her, I was apologazing in the wrong way, couldn't handle her and it doesn't even matter.

Absolutely no support in the times of need, of my goals. No consideration of my feelings before taking action. Everything was evaluated of how it related and benefited her at short term. 

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!