What happens after the split?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So many of us with a BPDPartner are afraid to leave because we think our partner will be destitute.  So many BPD's have isolated themselves, discarded their family, rejected their friends, etc.  We feel like we are all that they have.  I really struggle with this.

My counselor says that my BPDWife will be fine.  She says that she will turn into whatever she has to be to survive and find someone else.  Another sucker actually.

Can some of you who have been through this please share your thoughts and experience.  I don't want to be in this marriage but I keep hanging on.

[tired-of-it-all]

So many of us with a BPDPartner are afraid to leave because we think our partner will be destitute.  So many BPD's have isolated themselves, discarded their family, rejected their friends, etc.  We feel like we are all that they have.  I really struggle with this.

My counselor says that my BPDWife will be fine.  She says that she will turn into whatever she has to be to survive and find someone else.  Another sucker actually.

Can some of you who have been through this please share your thoughts and experience.  I don't want to be in this marriage but I keep hanging on.

[froggy]

tired... .

know how you feel... you've been on the roller coaster almost as long as I have... 33years for me.

Just so tired of it all... how can one person be soo miserable all the time... *sigh*

I don't worry about him being destitute. .more about how he will react emotionally.

I'm planning (slowly) my escape.

Next big blowup I'm out the door.

[heartandwhole]

Hi tired-of-it-all,

So many of us have felt that way, you are not alone. 

At times like that, I try to remind myself that pwBPD was doing fine before I came along, and will do okay when I'm not around, too.  From what I know (not much because we are not in contact), it seems to be the case in my situation.

I think the fear of leaving is more about our own issues, than being worried about our partner, to be honest. We might not want to feel the guilt that comes with it, or feel afraid of being alone, for example.

Fearing that someone can't manage (financially, emotionally, etc.) without us suggests that we have the one-up position. That we are responsible for his/her very life.  If we continue to enable this dynamic or foster dependence with our partners, it confirms our belief that we are "helping" somehow.  But it's a trap.  It keeps us focused on the other, instead of ourselves, and keeps us and our partner from growing.

For me, freedom comes from turning toward myself, my fears, my feelings and embracing them as much as I can. 

[AwakenedOne]

Hi tired-of-it-all,  

I am married also, 4 years to an uBPDstbxw. My situation is the opposite of yours in some ways though. I still understand.

She discarded me and left me destitute.

I agree completely with your counselor that she will be fine and will find another sucker. I prefer to think of it not as you and me are suckers though. Instead of that I see it as they will find another good person who they will abuse and damage. I feel for you.  

AO

[neverloveagain]

I watched my BPDexgf transform into her new 'persona' in the last three months of our 10 year dance she stopped mirroring me and radically changed her beliefs i watched as she became a stranger to me, and became someone else l. I knew i was loosing her then she discarded me to fit in with the new blood in her world. Its sad they will be fine as they are but the pattern will happen over and over unless they help themselves there is nothing you can do i no longer havethe caretaker role. You have been the passenger all along. Its someone elses turn now. Take a breath and look to healing yourself time is a good healer stay focused and exercise eat well do some new things you will be ok.

[Popcorn71]

I watched my BPDexgf transform into her new 'persona' in the last three months of our 10 year dance she stopped mirroring me and radically changed her beliefs i watched as she became a stranger to me, and became someone else l. I knew i was loosing her then she discarded me to fit in with the new blood in her world. Its sad they will be fine as they are but the pattern will happen over and over unless they help themselves there is nothing you can do i no longer havethe caretaker role. You have been the passenger all along. Its someone elses turn now. Take a breath and look to healing yourself time is a good healer stay focused and exercise eat well do some new things you will be ok.

My exBPDh did this too.  He even changed the way he spoke so that he could fit in with the new crowd.  When he was accepted by them he spent more and more time with them even though he knew it was damaging our marriage.  Eventually he found the replacement within that group and left.  It was unbelieveable how much he changed in just a few weeks.

I am taking the advice given by many on here, and I am looking after myself.  It's difficult but it does get easier as time goes on.

[going places]

Married 24 years.

Divorce will be final June 15th.

I am a female, no education, my 'career' choice is bartending/serving.

I have no health insurance, I have no savings, 401K, or money to fall back on.

I have a torn disc in my back, and a rickity old knee that has had multiple surgeries.

When this house sells, I have no idea where I am going or how I am going to get all the crap in storage, and in this house, to where I don't know where I am going... .

I have more cars to take than drivers.

All I know is this.

I cannot live like *this* anymore.

With God in the drivers seat, I will not only survive? I WILL THRIVE.

I will find a spot, I will find a great job.

I will work on my plans to open my own place.

I will open my own place.

I will succeed.

*HE* will be fine. I make about 22K a year and he makes over 70.

And really, I don't care.

He doesn't care about me or the kids... . so why in God's Name should I waste ONE SECOND of my precious time 'worrying' about him?

Whatever he does is his choice. It has no effect on me or my future.

He's the one that put us in the mess.

I'm the one walking away from the mess.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Yea, had a lot of this, major guilt trips because I had a home, (renting), a job, and children.

ExBP has now been out of work almost 6 years, was homeless and living in his car when I met him, and was the last time I spoke with him a few weeks back.

I have been manipulated for so long into thinking I was a heartless, cold, selfish, fat, greedy individual because I refused to let him stay at my house if and when he was being abusive and violent. And even now I feel the huge guilt after 4 years of aggressive brainwashing that it is all my fault that he hasn't thrived whilst I have.

I wouldn't even bother to answer that!

As I suspected, in the times he has dumped me and we were apart, (longest was 4 months) he always puts way more effort into finding a job, when he rang out of the blue several weeks ago, I got a total shock, he had actually brought a new cell phone, and put credit on it, (first time in 4 years too). He talked about having had one days work, (which the Government made him take since he has avoided his obligations as an unemployed job seeker for 6 years).

So now, he will likely find employment and better himself, or he will try to find another woman to take care of him, (like I was tricked into doing for so long).

Arghhh he disgusts me.

[letmeout]

I felt stuck in my 35 yr marriage with my BPD spouse. What it boiled down to was even though he has BPD, he was basically an abusive bully. No one should ever put up with that! Unfortunately I didn't know any better, but now I do. It is so good to get away from it, that we shouldn't care what happens to them.

[tired-of-it-all]

Thanks LetMe. I needed to hear that.