Embattled and Exhausted

[ConverseHome]

It's just one of those days where I am feeling embattled and exhausted. I'm now nearly 5 months from the breakup with my exBPDgf, with a few weeks of recycling thrown in about a month or so ago. I must say that overall I've been doing well, focusing on myself, moving forward, the next chapter of my life... . I don't feel the profound sadness that I once did, nor do I entertain any thoughts of getting back together with her. The last recycle, as difficult as it was, put the punctuation mark on the end of our relationship sentence, or paragraph (or book), as the case may be.

That said, I can't help but feel, along with definite prolonged periods of relief and optimism about my future, an emotional and physical sense of exhaustion. I don't know any other word to describe it other than embattled. We're still not through with lawyers sorting out (what should have been) straight-forward financial issues. Perhaps that's it. But I think it's more than that.

Maybe it's just the cumulative effects of the last six years of gas lighting, distortions, lies, and more distortions, not to mention healthy amounts of devaluing, her alcohol abuse, threatening to leave whenever she didn't get her way, rages, and then just to make it interesting, projections that even had me - whose normally very clear headed - believing them. I was certainly no saint at various points, though I'm much better at not beating myself up too much. Still, I'm wondering if others have felt this way. Just plain exhausted, sometimes on the verge of tears, not from the pain, but from the toll this has taken on me.

[myself]

Yes, exhausted is how I've felt and how my T describes it. Worn down but rebuilding myself now. The basic structure's there, so I've been filling in the cracks and making sure there's good support. As you say, we've been through a lot of stress, and situations that didn't make much sense. FOG is toxic and takes awhile to work its way out of our system. The more we chip away at this, the more traction we get. Admitting how you're feeling is a great way to begin doing something about it.

[Emelie Emelie]

When my BPDxbf ended it with me I did initially feel a sense of relief (along with the grief, anger, etc).  Relief that I didn't have to run myself ragged "being there" for him all the time or be anxious all the time about what was going to "set him off" or worry about where exactly this relationship was going.   Yes... . I was exhausted.  Physically and emotionally.  Still feel that way.  Wish I could find that sense of relief again but I think I'm too deep in mourning. 

After six years of the behaviors you describe it's no wonder you're exhausted.  That's chronic, unrelenting stress.  Takes it's toll on a person.  I hope you can get the financial issues sorted out soon.

I also think there's a sense of loss beyond that person and the particular relationship.  It's just such a crazy dynamic it leaves you reeling.  We don't know what/who to trust anymore.  We don't really trust ourselves anymore.  It's a loss of innocence in some ways.  I'm just a month out but the whole process of "recovering" from this is daunting.  It's hard and it takes a long time and I don't want to have to do it again.  (Not that I ever fully recovered the first time.)  I can't imagine what that would be like after six years.

Be kind and gentle to yourself when you're feeling this way.