A year out... wow

[Octoberfest]

I am a year out since my relationship with my BPDex... . and it has been a crazy one.  One I can only describe as a roller coaster ride.  Looking back, I can't believe I experienced and made it through some of the down times that I had.  Where I am now, I still wouldn't say I am completely past it unfortunately.  Worlds better, but I still think about her sometimes and it bugs me to do so.

A few days ago I found a flashdrive that had about 6 pictures of her and I together.  I had long ago deleted all pictures and gotten rid of any items or gifts that stemmed from the relationship.  I even got rid of a birthday card and a letter that I had held onto for about 9 months after the breakup.  Finding this flash drive was a little bit of a shock... . the reaction that looking at the pictures evoked was another one.  I sort of expected to focus on her; be it, "wow, she looks so good I miss her", or "HAH! I'm not missing out at all! What was I thinking?".  Instead my attention was drawn more to ME.  I don't look good in the pictures.  My face is a little fatter and I look, for lack of a better word, scrubby.  And that made me go, "Wow.  Being with her was not good for me... . just look at me!".  That was kind of a nice realization... . I also had the "HAH! I'm not missing out" emotion evoked a bit.  It is amazing what love can do to our perception of people.

Sadly, for this step forward I had one backwards yesterday. I was informed by a girl, who is sorority sisters with a girl who my BPDex was cheating on me with for a time, that she had seen both her "sister" and my BPDex walking around downtown the day prior (Saturday).  My BPDex does not live in my town anymore (thank God) after having failed out of college while we dated. Apparently they were all dressed up for a Kentucky Derby party at another one of the Fraternities on campus (when my BPDex and I were involved, I was living in and actively involved with my Fraternity.  She was there all the time and knew all of them (and also cheated on me with several of them)).  It was bizarre... . The three nights prior to Saturday I had been downtown at the bars, but for some reason Saturday I chose not to go.  Fate has a weird way of working... . but I am glad it did.  I can't say I want to see her... . even though it may be good for me, to see that she is just a person, not a special one at that, and that she has no power over my life anymore.


The games we play in our minds with ourselves after a relationship with a pwBPD are both amazing and infuriating.  It upsets me that I still think about her, and occasionally check up on her on Facebook (Mostly to see which guys she is cycling back into rotation when... . there are 3 of them, and it is almost entertaining to see who she is friends with on Facebook all of a sudden, whilst another has disappeared), a year out of the relationship.  It is stupid, it is self destructive, and it needs to stop... .  

[Emelie Emelie]

I remember your posts from that time.  I joined in July of last year.  You were in a lot of pain.  I'm glad you're doing so well.  You say there's some stupid, destructive behavior going on but you've come miles from then.  Hope I'll be in the same place a year from now.   

[Pecator]

I second EE's comments.

I hope I am where you are in a year from now.

I have to admit, I stopped reading the post when I got to the part of you finding pics. I thought, "No, I don't want to read about how tore up someone got by looking at pics. I am so not there." I actually stopped reading, left the computer and went to do something else. When I came back, I continued!

Just last night I opened something that I made for my ex. Before I knew about BPD and splitting and recycling, my ex replaced me at the most stressful point in my life. But I knew I could "win her back." I produced a snippet of photos and movies set to music to help in what was at the time as successful endeavor which lasted another year of hell until she replaced me again with the same guy.

I came across it last night and thought, "I wonder how it feels now?" As I viewed it again, my focus was far more on how brilliant that piece of work was! I remembered all of the powerful triggers it contained. One was a video of her talking about her son. It once made me long to be with her. Last night it came across as how perfect it was that I laid that right in the bridge of the music! The music was perfect. The timing was other worldly. The length and content could not have been better. The emotional context seemed to have evaporated.

But I also saw me. I was 30 pounds heavier. Except for the pictures of us out dancing, I was as you say scrubby. I looked nothing like I did when I first met her or do now (except the depression has brought it's own scrubbiness).

It is helping me get to the point of saying, "HAH! I'm not missing out." But I am getting there!

I guess it might take a year!


Thanks for posting this. Hang in there!

[tomjon78]

Remember your post a year ago... . I was in hell for me at the same time. You are doing good work... . stay strong