I feel guilty feeling ashamed of him...

[JennaLindsey]

My close friends and family are unaware of my spouses BPD, however today it became apparent to my mother that "something" was wrong. While out together (my mom, spouse, and I), my spouse laughed at a joke that I felt was insensitive to me. In private (or so I thought) I told him that I didn't like being made fun of, and that the person who made the comment about me was disrespectful. One of my spouses triggers is being criticized, and it sent him into a BPD episode. He refused to talk to me, and began cursing at me in front of my mother who appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I tried to pretend with her that everything was fine, except his episode escalated so badly that he refused to speak with me and acted like he were about to explode in rage at any moment. It got so bad that my mother secretly whispered "Oh my gosh, that is horrible... . does he always act like that?". I was embarrassed that she was able to see my marriage wasn't "perfect" as it usually seems. I felt ashamed of his behavior, and could tell when speaking with other family members that my mother (whom I am not at all on good terms with) made sure that the news about my husbands behavior spread like wild fire. I can already tell we're a hot topic, and that a lot of jealous people are judging us by this. I feel guilty for feeling embarrassed and ashamed of what he did... . but I do.

However, personally he made strides today. Stepping out of his episode when he heard me crying, and coming to comfort me instead of remaining angry.

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[formflier]

Wow... . you have two big things going on here.

1.  You are not responsible and should not apologize for the hubby's behavior

2.  Looks like some separate issues with Mom not helping or being supportive... . or outright being unhelpful.

Hang in there... . I'm interested in what others will say... but primarily... . I think the advice will be that you are not responsible for his behavior.  I would deflect questions to him... . or somehow come up with a canned answer.

My close friends and family are unaware of my spouses BPD, however today it became apparent to my mother that "something" was wrong. While out together (my mom, spouse, and I), my spouse laughed at a joke that I felt was insensitive to me. In private (or so I thought) I told him that I didn't like being made fun of, and that the person who made the comment about me was disrespectful. One of my spouses triggers is being criticized, and it sent him into a BPD episode. He refused to talk to me, and began cursing at me in front of my mother who appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I tried to pretend with her that everything was fine, except his episode escalated so badly that he refused to speak with me and acted like he were about to explode in rage at any moment. It got so bad that my mother secretly whispered "Oh my gosh, that is horrible... . does he always act like that?". I was embarrassed that she was able to see my marriage wasn't "perfect" as it usually seems. I felt ashamed of his behavior, and could tell when speaking with other family members that my mother (whom I am not at all on good terms with) made sure that the news about my husbands behavior spread like wild fire. I can already tell we're a hot topic, and that a lot of jealous people are judging us by this. I feel guilty for feeling embarrassed and ashamed of what he did... . but I do.

However, personally he made strides today. Stepping out of his episode when he heard me crying, and coming to comfort me instead of remaining angry.

[an0ught]

Hi JennaLindsey,

I feel guilty for feeling embarrassed and ashamed of what he did... . but I do.

it is called FOG - fear, obligation and guilt for good reason  . I heard we are only as sick as our secrets and I think that expression fits quite well here. While it is certainly true that you need to stand by your man it is equally true that you can't constantly cover up his mis-steps.

It is not your job to keep up appearances at all costs. It is not your duty to have a perfect marriage - you are only responsible for your part of it.  Please study boundaries. Right now it is hard to see you two as individuals and you have a very strong focus on having a common perspective - it some sense this is good - makes you a couple - in some sense it is too much and causes more emotional pressure on you and enables more dysfunction on his side. Once you start implementing boundaries it will be easier to not feel responsible for what he does. When consequences fall more squarely on him he will feel less inclined to mess up.

[ziniztar]

However, personally he made strides today. Stepping out of his episode when he heard me crying, and coming to comfort me instead of remaining angry.

That is nice. Cherish that   

A few weeks ago I had an episode where I noticed that I felt responsible for the entire relationship; I felt fear that it wouldn't last if I didn't. In our situation that means that I felt responsible for making us see each other (we don't live in the same city), and that I felt responsible (obligated) for always responding in the right way that would benefit him.

I've learnt two things since then.

1) the less responsibility I take, the more he suggests to twist things around so we can see each other, the more he calls... .

2) the less responsibility I take, the better I feel, the more focus I have on my own needs. And sometimes that means not responding in a perfect way. It means to say that I need a time-out or need to do something for myself. It means admitting that I can't handle something. That I can't do it.

What is your reason to keep up appearances? Obviously you feel the need to do this to your mother - what would happen if she finds out your marriage isn't perfect? Or other people, for that matter?

[Foreverhopefull]

II had lied and created stories for years, that's until I just came out (with his permission of course) and told our families what is going.

I gave them a quick understanding of what is BPD and told him that if he doesn't show up, leaves abruptly or without saying good bye, it's not personal. He just can't make himself do things, it's too much for him.

I also try not to confront him in public (if he's not acting appropriately, I ask him to go home or I remind him he has to behave for a few more minutes) or force him to attend anything he didn't want to go to in the first place.

It's not always easy, sometimes folks forget, but it's been easier.

[Stalwart]

Hey Jenna:

Really sorry that it came out in the open the way it did for you. I know the feeling of embrassment when they go off in a crowd, the crowd is looking in disbelieve and you're left looking like a deer in the headlights. It's a terrible situation to be in.

You did nothing wrong though. No one likes to be critized in public or in person and it shouldn't happen, although it did. I can't even say calling him up on it when you did was wrong, it wasn't even though some would say it wasn't the time and place to be setting or reinforcing boundries, there are just some boundaries that we can't ignore or let go. That's one of them for you evidently so you did what you felt you needed to do given the situatuation that you didn't create.

It's great that privately he came around and apologized, but it really doesn't answer the difficulties you're feeling as a result of the public awareness.

When it comes right down to it maybe it's just as simple as being a time when you realize the worth of your friends and family and whether or not they are actually friends or not by their supportiveness and the nature of their opinions. People's true colours sometimes aren't as attractive as we might want and sometimes there are just people that might not be worth even considering if their opinions are important.

I undertand the embarassment and also the percieved need to have people think that you're relationship is something it might not appear to be on the outside. There is a lot about our relationships that aren't up for grabs in the realm of public opinion and shouldn't be. It's just unfortunate it came about in the way it did and if your Mom did go out intentionally spreading the word that's just that much more unfortunate for your relationship with her. There are some things that people should just know aren't right to spread and should be kept as confidences between mothers and daughters or any family members. That's just common courtesy and respect.

Sure hope this settles for you and it ends up well for you.

[tired-of-it-all]

Jenna,

You are not obligated to keep his secret. Neither would I spread the information needlessly. His bad behavior is a reflection on him not on you. You don't need to feel guilty for his bad behavior. Whatever your emotions were when this event took place, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

As far as mom goes, she is obviously immature and unhealthy for you. She clearly does not have your best interests at heart.

I do not enjoy time with my mother. She is rude and I'll mannered. I love her but I minimize my time with her. She is poison to my mental health. To my serenity. I NO LONGER FEEL GUILT FOR THIS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER BAD BEHAVIOR. HER BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE.

You are surrounded by people who are bad for you. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE BAD.  Your mom's issues are likely one reason you married your husband. You didn't know how to pick someone good for you because you had never seen it in a relationship.

[dealingwithit]

I understand your feeling about this. Recently, I had to share with my pastor's wife (who's been a personal friend for many years) an incident with my husband during a rage. I am in charge of teams at church and am battling depression so I wanted her to know why I was having emotional trouble. On the outside everything looks great, but my children are older and the incidents are repeated outside of our family. Fun.