Beyond loss and grief ...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just throwing this out there in the hope someone might find it interesting, provocative, or helpful in some way ... .

3+ years since being dumped, 2+ years in therapy, and 1+ year NC.

I've finally gotten to the point in my recovery where I'm able to look at, and start to deal with what actually happened to me without losing it altogether, panicking, and shifting my focus/thoughts elsewhere so I don't collapse under all the very dark, and deep-seated pain that lives in that place.

Hard as it's been to look at, and deal with as some kind of major/traumatic loss - even at the level of it being the loss of the personal validation/identity my relationship fundamentally provided in all the many dysfunctional, disordered, circuitous, and incredibly abusive/unhealthy ways it did - it's still a whole lot easier to deal with than the increasingly undeniable fact that I was rejected/abandoned.

Not just rejected in part - but completely rejected in every possible way, and on every possible level. As a partner, lover, friend, companion, wage earner, homemaker, housekeeper, cook, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and human being in general. Repeatedly told and even more often shown  I wasn't interesting, attractive, likeable, loveable, valuable, or deserving of his notice, consideration, attention, time, effort, or energy in any way. Not as the result of any one thing I'd said/done, but, rather, of everything I simply was, had always actually been, and, therefore, as far as he was concerned, would and forever always be.

Not just left/withdrawn from in order to make a new life for himself - but utterly and totally abandoned altogether. Not just me and the relationship we'd shared for 12+ years, but everyone/everything associated with our life together in any way: the children he'd helped raise, the friends/family we'd shared, the business we'd owned/operated together, the work we'd contracted to do, the lease we'd signed, the bills we owed, the debt we'd incurred, the interests we'd shared, the education/degree we'd found the time/money to pay for, the future we'd been planning/working toward.

Not just the abandonment of me and the relationship/life we shared, but of those standards of social conduct upon which we all rely to provide for our basic safety and welfare. Not simply being ignored, avoided, dismissed, marginalized, lied to, lied about, insulted, humiliated, and blamed for every horrible thing he believed/felt/thought/said/did - but slandered, stolen from, stalked, harassed, threatened, bullied, and sexually objectified/assaulted/raped as well.

And all of this, at least seeming to me at the time, coming very suddenly and without any warning from someone who'd repeatedly said, and I genuinely believed/felt/thought loved, cared about, wanted nothing more than to be with me, and would never even consider let alone be able to ever do anything like this to me no matter what.

This kind of rejection/abandonment does - without any doubt - involve a very major and very traumatic loss of a lot of stuff. And, yes, it is a loss that is attended by a very commensurate amount of grief that we need to feel/process.

But it goes beyond that, I think, not simply striking at, but actually realizing the much deeper insecurities/fears my childhood left me to harbor about my fundamental acceptance, approval, and desirability as a human being.

Which is why, I think, it's taken me almost 4 years to get the point where I'm actually emotionally/psychologically able to look at the fact that I was rejected/abandoned in this way and not simply collapse under the weight of the feelings I found there. I wouldn't have been able to do that, I don't think, unless I'd worked my way through it as if it were simply grief/loss. So that definitely had its place/served an important function in getting me to this point.

Funny thing is, once I got to the point where I could call it by name/look it square in the eye without flinching/looking the other way again - well - it became pretty clear that being rejected/abandoned - even in the way, to the extreme, and with the effect I was - didn't actually make me any of the things he said, and I was so worried/afraid/sure it did. All it actually did was make me alone, without him being there as my partner, again.

Which, mindfully - and for all the obvious reasons, is - in many ways - much better than being with him as my partner - if not ever was - then at least ultimately came to be.

So, here I am - completely/totally rejected and abandoned in the extreme - acknowledging, accepting, and embracing that fact - and more okay with myself/my life for having done so than I ever thought possible under the circumstances.

I'm not dismissing any of the many reasons he gave me for rejecting/abandoning me as invalid or merely the product of his own disordered/desperate need to blame someone else for making him behave the way he does. I'm not saying he's just mentally ill and therefore I shouldn't take his rejection/abandonment personally - that it's just a product of BPD and doesn't really have anything to do with me as a partner/person at all. It does. If nothing else, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been attracted/attractive to, and able to have a long-term relationship with a pwBPD unless there was something equally disordered/dysfunctional about me to begin with.

What I'm saying is that it's not just pwBPD who have catastrophic issues about being rejected/abandoned. I clearly had a lot of them myself. Still do. And that it was my issues about being rejected/abandoned - my inability to look at/deal with those feelings - that kept me stuck - holding onto him, the relationship we had, and the relationship I continued to have with him in my own head long after he stopped being a part of my life in any real way whatsoever. That only by being able to finally look at/deal with those issues have I found the ability to truly detach, let go, and move on.

I guess what I'm hoping with this post is to open that door - talk about that white elephant in the room - the feelings associated with having been so brutally rejected/abandoned - that actually brought so many of us to these boards in the first place ... . because mostly we don't talk about in that way at all ... . and I think, maybe, it might be helpful to some of us if we did.

Thoughts?

[talithacumi]

Just throwing this out there in the hope someone might find it interesting, provocative, or helpful in some way ... .

3+ years since being dumped, 2+ years in therapy, and 1+ year NC.

I've finally gotten to the point in my recovery where I'm able to look at, and start to deal with what actually happened to me without losing it altogether, panicking, and shifting my focus/thoughts elsewhere so I don't collapse under all the very dark, and deep-seated pain that lives in that place.

Hard as it's been to look at, and deal with as some kind of major/traumatic loss - even at the level of it being the loss of the personal validation/identity my relationship fundamentally provided in all the many dysfunctional, disordered, circuitous, and incredibly abusive/unhealthy ways it did - it's still a whole lot easier to deal with than the increasingly undeniable fact that I was rejected/abandoned.

Not just rejected in part - but completely rejected in every possible way, and on every possible level. As a partner, lover, friend, companion, wage earner, homemaker, housekeeper, cook, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and human being in general. Repeatedly told and even more often shown  I wasn't interesting, attractive, likeable, loveable, valuable, or deserving of his notice, consideration, attention, time, effort, or energy in any way. Not as the result of any one thing I'd said/done, but, rather, of everything I simply was, had always actually been, and, therefore, as far as he was concerned, would and forever always be.

Not just left/withdrawn from in order to make a new life for himself - but utterly and totally abandoned altogether. Not just me and the relationship we'd shared for 12+ years, but everyone/everything associated with our life together in any way: the children he'd helped raise, the friends/family we'd shared, the business we'd owned/operated together, the work we'd contracted to do, the lease we'd signed, the bills we owed, the debt we'd incurred, the interests we'd shared, the education/degree we'd found the time/money to pay for, the future we'd been planning/working toward.

Not just the abandonment of me and the relationship/life we shared, but of those standards of social conduct upon which we all rely to provide for our basic safety and welfare. Not simply being ignored, avoided, dismissed, marginalized, lied to, lied about, insulted, humiliated, and blamed for every horrible thing he believed/felt/thought/said/did - but slandered, stolen from, stalked, harassed, threatened, bullied, and sexually objectified/assaulted/raped as well.

And all of this, at least seeming to me at the time, coming very suddenly and without any warning from someone who'd repeatedly said, and I genuinely believed/felt/thought loved, cared about, wanted nothing more than to be with me, and would never even consider let alone be able to ever do anything like this to me no matter what.

This kind of rejection/abandonment does - without any doubt - involve a very major and very traumatic loss of a lot of stuff. And, yes, it is a loss that is attended by a very commensurate amount of grief that we need to feel/process.

But it goes beyond that, I think, not simply striking at, but actually realizing the much deeper insecurities/fears my childhood left me to harbor about my fundamental acceptance, approval, and desirability as a human being.

Which is why, I think, it's taken me almost 4 years to get the point where I'm actually emotionally/psychologically able to look at the fact that I was rejected/abandoned in this way and not simply collapse under the weight of the feelings I found there. I wouldn't have been able to do that, I don't think, unless I'd worked my way through it as if it were simply grief/loss. So that definitely had its place/served an important function in getting me to this point.

Funny thing is, once I got to the point where I could call it by name/look it square in the eye without flinching/looking the other way again - well - it became pretty clear that being rejected/abandoned - even in the way, to the extreme, and with the effect I was - didn't actually make me any of the things he said, and I was so worried/afraid/sure it did. All it actually did was make me alone, without him being there as my partner, again.

Which, mindfully - and for all the obvious reasons, is - in many ways - much better than being with him as my partner - if not ever was - then at least ultimately came to be.

So, here I am - completely/totally rejected and abandoned in the extreme - acknowledging, accepting, and embracing that fact - and more okay with myself/my life for having done so than I ever thought possible under the circumstances.

I'm not dismissing any of the many reasons he gave me for rejecting/abandoning me as invalid or merely the product of his own disordered/desperate need to blame someone else for making him behave the way he does. I'm not saying he's just mentally ill and therefore I shouldn't take his rejection/abandonment personally - that it's just a product of BPD and doesn't really have anything to do with me as a partner/person at all. It does. If nothing else, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been attracted/attractive to, and able to have a long-term relationship with a pwBPD unless there was something equally disordered/dysfunctional about me to begin with.

What I'm saying is that it's not just pwBPD who have catastrophic issues about being rejected/abandoned. I clearly had a lot of them myself. Still do. And that it was my issues about being rejected/abandoned - my inability to look at/deal with those feelings - that kept me stuck - holding onto him, the relationship we had, and the relationship I continued to have with him in my own head long after he stopped being a part of my life in any real way whatsoever. That only by being able to finally look at/deal with those issues have I found the ability to truly detach, let go, and move on.

I guess what I'm hoping with this post is to open that door - talk about that white elephant in the room - the feelings associated with having been so brutally rejected/abandoned - that actually brought so many of us to these boards in the first place ... . because mostly we don't talk about in that way at all ... . and I think, maybe, it might be helpful to some of us if we did.

Thoughts?

[Surnia]

Hi thalithacumi

Sounds like you have reached a turning point. 

You are able to look at it in a more detached and grown way, which is great.

What I'm saying is that it's not just pwBPD who have catastrophic issues about being rejected/abandoned. I clearly had a lot of them myself. Still do. And that it was my issues about being rejected/abandoned - my inability to look at/deal with those feelings - that kept me stuck - holding onto him, the relationship we had, and the relationship I continued to have with him in my own head long after he stopped being a part of my life in any real way whatsoever. That only by being able to finally look at/deal with those issues have I found the ability to truly detach, let go, and move on.

[Ihope2]

Hi Thalithacumi, this sentence of yours stands out for me: "So, here I am - completely/totally rejected and abandoned in the extreme - acknowledging, accepting, and embracing that fact - and more okay with myself/my life for having done so than I ever thought possible under the circumstances".

For all of us with deep abandonement and rejection issues stemming from our early childhood, this is such a significant milestone to reach.  Self-acceptance and realising that we were not to blame for our parents/caregivers abandoning us.  We were innocent children, dependent on the love and care of the adults who were supposed to look after us. It was not our fault that they were too damaged / absent / incapacitated to do so.

We are not faulty, defective or unworthy of love and validation!  We deserve to be loved and validated and treated respectfully, no matter what message we received as children from those who were supposed to provide us with safety, love, care and compassion.

We do not need to go through life repeating the pattern with unsafe and damaged individuals.  We no longer need to align ourselves with that. 

That hurt little girlchild within me, who has stayed in her room feeling scared, lonely and bad all these years, will from now on be coaxed out of her protective shell with self-love, compassion and care.