Slightly depressed, but afraid to show to dBPDbf

[ziniztar]

The last couple of weeks I haven't been in a good place. I started a new job that is filled with new insecurities, I'm dealing with money-issues that I can't seem to get rid of even though I make a good salary, and the new knowledge of everything related to my dBPDbf and my own psychological issues that are waiting in line to work on, have left me feeling a little defeated. I'm isolating myself from other people and keep on eating an drinking the issues away. Excersize (which I did regularly 3-5 times a week until I met my dBPDbf), has flown out of the window. I'm getting disappointed in the medical system for not supporting me even though I'm actively seeking out help. I need to pay between 75-100 euro's each session and my flawed spending is probably a coping mechanism. How do you turn that around if you don't have the money anymore to get the professional help you seek?

The hardest part about it is that I feel that I can't tell it to my dBPDbf. His main driver to get into a depressed mode is because he feels he's a failure of a man, inadequate, without a steady income,  lacking support towards me, etcetc. Last time when I wasn't aware of his triggers when I was still honestly showing everything that was on my mind, he kept making it all about him and it turned into a 3-day-cold-shoulder and break-up.

He's been asking me when to move in together and I can't even start to imagine the stress that it would take to move again, have to make new friends in a new place and the fact that I'd be living with a pwBPD by itself. I really want to get my own stuff organized and I feel that I'm unable to find the support I would like to find in a healthy relationship. I know he acts like he's handeling it but it always has an effect on him.

I've been telling friends and family that I'm not doing that well but they don't get any further than "you probably should find help" or they don't get the grasp of what I'm dealing with and tend to downgrade everything.

Don't really have a question, just wanted to get this out there.

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[ziniztar]

OK, I do have a question!

The initial story has to do with self-care and self-soothing. I sought new ways to self-soothe and am trying to become better at it. Even though my dBPDbf might not always be emotionally available, I should would like to be able to calm myself down.

This is putting yourself first - but maybe also giving a good example to our BPD SO.

So... .

1) What are the things that you do to self-soothe when you're partner is/appears unvailable?

2) Could you improve your self-soothing strategies into more healthier ones?

3) What will you do in the next week or 2 when you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions - before you rely on others to make you feel better?

For me the answer would be:

1) I watch TV shows (distraction), I eat (numbing the feeling), I drink (numbing the feeling), I talk to friends and family (distraction, relying on them to feel better)

2) I could eat/drink something small and really enjoy it (like a nice chocolate or the warmth of a nice cup of tea). Excersize. Take a bath. Listen to the radio (I tend to feel alone and helpless, distraction of other people talking helps). Listen to music that makes me feel good. Write in my diary to loose some of the raw emotion.

3) I'm going to create a playlist with some of my favourite music. I'm going to write in my diary again, make a habit out of it.

[tired-of-it-all]

Being isolated is something that truly wears me down.  My wife tried to do this to me for years.  I have learned to seek out friends and seek out support groups. 

I attend alanon meetings.  They are for families and friends of alcoholics.  Even if alcoholism is not a part of your partner, you can still attend the meetings and find support there.  If I could not find an alanon meeting I would attend an AA meeting.  I am not alcoholic and rarely drink, nevertheless, I have found these meeting to be filled with a fellowship of friends who support one another.  There are "open" AA meetings for people who are not alcoholic but want to know more about the program and how it might help their lives and the lives of their loved ones.  The great advantage of these two programs is that they are free.  In America they pass a basket and everyone puts in $1 if they have $1.  Otherwise they don't pay at all.

Having a fellowship of non-judgmental friends has been wonderful.  I highly recommend it to anyone.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you know how to take care of yourself. Do the best you can and be gentle with yourself.

One thing I had to realize was that my wife did not have the mental/emotional capacity to support me... . if I went to her for support, I would be disappointed.

It sucks. You want an equal partner who can support you during tough times. Just the same, if you don't have that... . don't ask your partner for something they can't give. The result will likely be drama and/or emotional abuse.

Wanting it to be different is natural. Acting as if it is different than reality is a recipe for making things worse.