My tale

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sure, I was 24 when I met my husband.  He was 6 years older than me.  He was very charming, charismatic, playful, & entertaining.  He worked real hard, but he also partied real hard.  This was foreign to me.  I had always been the studious type.  I had earned my Masters in Psychology by 23 and was working towards my PhD ( you don't think I've done the "you should of known better".  He had primary custody of his two young girls.  He initially told me he had been divorced for two years, but I later found out they had been separated off and on, sleeping with each other off and on for two years dealing with a messy, long drawn out contested divorce  and it wasn't even final until shortly after we met (we were introduced by mutual friends of friends).  I would have never gone out with him if I had known the truth of the timeline.

We moved in together rather quickly, less than 6 months, to build a family, I was his soulmate, blah, blah, blah, personally, looking back I wonder if I wasn't just the right person to raise his girls so he could grow his business.  We got married a year later, I left graduate school because I wanted to have a baby, he said "Just one" and from that point on I had completely given away any power, individuality, or voice that I could hope to have.  I learned early on that he was an excessive drinker, pot smoker and cocaine user.  He quit the cocaine use, and I thought limited the pot use (which is something I never did or supported).  I saw the red flags early on, I spoke up about many of, overlooked some of them, and with time, you just become more and more numb to it all and become more and more a victim of the FOG=fear, obligation, guilt.

The first time I consulted an attorney my "scratch" baby (biological daughter) was 1 1/2 years old.  I was told I could expect support for half as many years as we had been married.  I also knew I had no biological or legal rights to the other 2 girls.  I knew I wouldn't leave them behind.  The second time I consulted an attorney my daughter was in 6th grade.  I was done. I told my husband.  What does he go and do that day?  Fall off the roof that he is re roofing and break his wrist and shoulder so he needs full time care ( now I would just tell him to hire a nurse!).  I've endured 25 years of raging insults, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, F yous, and at times physical attacks.  He has ruined just about every holiday, birthday, and school event.

So, you asked why now.  I'm asked that a lot.  Yes, my youngest did just graduate from college.  She also almost died in a car accident a year ago and the way my husband handled it and the things he said following it were so deplorable it was one of the final nails.  I also started talking to him about our 25th anniversary 9 months before the date.   We have never done anything celebratory. I felt I /we earned this.  He said it would be a waste of money (he has plenty of it).  Another nail.  But the final nail was last summer we were going to take the 3 year old grandson out on the boat on the lake and I watched him bring his margarita, after having been drinking beer at the house and I could tell he had been smoking pot.  I told him I wasn't going to sit by and watch him do this with another generation of children.  On top of that, these weren't even his children,these were another man's children--his son-in-law.

We ended up having an impromptu family intervention that night.  It wasn't pretty.  He was raging and blaming and said the most horrible things.  The next day he got up like nothing had happened.  Two weeks later, I moved out without his knowing and without telling him where I went.  The extended family was very concerned for my safety after they saw that night the truth of what I and my kids had been living with for all these years.  I waited 8 months to file for divorce.  Now, as I always feared and suspected, he is claiming that he came to the marriage with great wealth, value, and assets and that even though we live in a community property state, have commingled everything, and have been married 25 years it shouldn't be a 50-50 split!   If I'm not an equal partner by now, I'm not sure when I ever would be!

[The Mrs]

Sure, I was 24 when I met my husband.  He was 6 years older than me.  He was very charming, charismatic, playful, & entertaining.  He worked real hard, but he also partied real hard.  This was foreign to me.  I had always been the studious type.  I had earned my Masters in Psychology by 23 and was working towards my PhD ( you don't think I've done the "you should of known better".  He had primary custody of his two young girls.  He initially told me he had been divorced for two years, but I later found out they had been separated off and on, sleeping with each other off and on for two years dealing with a messy, long drawn out contested divorce  and it wasn't even final until shortly after we met (we were introduced by mutual friends of friends).  I would have never gone out with him if I had known the truth of the timeline.

We moved in together rather quickly, less than 6 months, to build a family, I was his soulmate, blah, blah, blah, personally, looking back I wonder if I wasn't just the right person to raise his girls so he could grow his business.  We got married a year later, I left graduate school because I wanted to have a baby, he said "Just one" and from that point on I had completely given away any power, individuality, or voice that I could hope to have.  I learned early on that he was an excessive drinker, pot smoker and cocaine user.  He quit the cocaine use, and I thought limited the pot use (which is something I never did or supported).  I saw the red flags early on, I spoke up about many of, overlooked some of them, and with time, you just become more and more numb to it all and become more and more a victim of the FOG=fear, obligation, guilt.

The first time I consulted an attorney my "scratch" baby (biological daughter) was 1 1/2 years old.  I was told I could expect support for half as many years as we had been married.  I also knew I had no biological or legal rights to the other 2 girls.  I knew I wouldn't leave them behind.  The second time I consulted an attorney my daughter was in 6th grade.  I was done. I told my husband.  What does he go and do that day?  Fall off the roof that he is re roofing and break his wrist and shoulder so he needs full time care ( now I would just tell him to hire a nurse!).  I've endured 25 years of raging insults, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, F yous, and at times physical attacks.  He has ruined just about every holiday, birthday, and school event.

So, you asked why now.  I'm asked that a lot.  Yes, my youngest did just graduate from college.  She also almost died in a car accident a year ago and the way my husband handled it and the things he said following it were so deplorable it was one of the final nails.  I also started talking to him about our 25th anniversary 9 months before the date.   We have never done anything celebratory. I felt I /we earned this.  He said it would be a waste of money (he has plenty of it).  Another nail.  But the final nail was last summer we were going to take the 3 year old grandson out on the boat on the lake and I watched him bring his margarita, after having been drinking beer at the house and I could tell he had been smoking pot.  I told him I wasn't going to sit by and watch him do this with another generation of children.  On top of that, these weren't even his children,these were another man's children--his son-in-law.

We ended up having an impromptu family intervention that night.  It wasn't pretty.  He was raging and blaming and said the most horrible things.  The next day he got up like nothing had happened.  Two weeks later, I moved out without his knowing and without telling him where I went.  The extended family was very concerned for my safety after they saw that night the truth of what I and my kids had been living with for all these years.  I waited 8 months to file for divorce.  Now, as I always feared and suspected, he is claiming that he came to the marriage with great wealth, value, and assets and that even though we live in a community property state, have commingled everything, and have been married 25 years it shouldn't be a 50-50 split!   If I'm not an equal partner by now, I'm not sure when I ever would be!

[formflier]

Thanks for sharing this.  I wish you the best of luck that the divorce gets settled in a manor that is acceptable to you. 

Also hope you find peace after all these years.

I am working on year 20 of marriage.  Last 4-5 have been really rough. Looking back I can see hints of BPD but after a natural disaster kept our family out of our home for around 6 months things really took off on the BPD front.

Never heard of BPD until 4-5 months ago... . before then things didn't make senese... . now at least I have a name and the world makes sense.  Even though it looks pretty scary.

My youngest child is 1... . I'm a guy and don't want to "leave one behind".  I've seen what happened in my sister in laws family (she has uBPD as well) to the kids.  Supposedly they got 50 50 time.  Now... . magically... the kids have decided they "hate" dad... . there have been some suicide ideations, drawings... . but I don't think attempts. 

So... anything like that is not acceptable in my family.  I also realize that it may not be my choice... . but I will do everything I can to remain a buffer.  Right now chances that I could file or do something and get sole custody seem low.

I am hopeful... . Im going to try... . and some of the tools here have turned down the temperature some in the house... . but the actual things that she is doing, probably to provoke me, have gotten worse.  This is not sustainable.

Again... . thanks for sharing.

Sure, I was 24 when I met my husband.  He was 6 years older than me.  He was very charming, charismatic, playful, & entertaining.  He worked real hard, but he also partied real hard.  This was foreign to me.  I had always been the studious type.  I had earned my Masters in Psychology by 23 and was working towards my PhD ( you don't think I've done the "you should of known better".  He had primary custody of his two young girls.  He initially told me he had been divorced for two years, but I later found out they had been separated off and on, sleeping with each other off and on for two years dealing with a messy, long drawn out contested divorce  and it wasn't even final until shortly after we met (we were introduced by mutual friends of friends).  I would have never gone out with him if I had known the truth of the timeline.

We moved in together rather quickly, less than 6 months, to build a family, I was his soulmate, blah, blah, blah, personally, looking back I wonder if I wasn't just the right person to raise his girls so he could grow his business.  We got married a year later, I left graduate school because I wanted to have a baby, he said "Just one" and from that point on I had completely given away any power, individuality, or voice that I could hope to have.  I learned early on that he was an excessive drinker, pot smoker and cocaine user.  He quit the cocaine use, and I thought limited the pot use (which is something I never did or supported).  I saw the red flags early on, I spoke up about many of, overlooked some of them, and with time, you just become more and more numb to it all and become more and more a victim of the FOG=fear, obligation, guilt.

The first time I consulted an attorney my "scratch" baby (biological daughter) was 1 1/2 years old.  I was told I could expect support for half as many years as we had been married.  I also knew I had no biological or legal rights to the other 2 girls.  I knew I wouldn't leave them behind.  The second time I consulted an attorney my daughter was in 6th grade.  I was done. I told my husband.  What does he go and do that day?  Fall off the roof that he is re roofing and break his wrist and shoulder so he needs full time care ( now I would just tell him to hire a nurse!).  I've endured 25 years of raging insults, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, F yous, and at times physical attacks.  He has ruined just about every holiday, birthday, and school event.

So, you asked why now.  I'm asked that a lot.  Yes, my youngest did just graduate from college.  She also almost died in a car accident a year ago and the way my husband handled it and the things he said following it were so deplorable it was one of the final nails.  I also started talking to him about our 25th anniversary 9 months before the date.   We have never done anything celebratory. I felt I /we earned this.  He said it would be a waste of money (he has plenty of it).  Another nail.  But the final nail was last summer we were going to take the 3 year old grandson out on the boat on the lake and I watched him bring his margarita, after having been drinking beer at the house and I could tell he had been smoking pot.  I told him I wasn't going to sit by and watch him do this with another generation of children.  On top of that, these weren't even his children,these were another man's children--his son-in-law.

We ended up having an impromptu family intervention that night.  It wasn't pretty.  He was raging and blaming and said the most horrible things.  The next day he got up like nothing had happened.  Two weeks later, I moved out without his knowing and without telling him where I went.  The extended family was very concerned for my safety after they saw that night the truth of what I and my kids had been living with for all these years.  I waited 8 months to file for divorce.  Now, as I always feared and suspected, he is claiming that he came to the marriage with great wealth, value, and assets and that even though we live in a community property state, have commingled everything, and have been married 25 years it shouldn't be a 50-50 split!   If I'm not an equal partner by now, I'm not sure when I ever would be!

[AllisG]

Yes, thank you for sharing.

I hope that you will be safe and finally truly happy.

I appreciate stories like yours, from women who have been with men with BPD for so many years, as I have been for the past year and I don't know if I can endure what I have for 20+ more years. 

From what I've been reading on these boards they don't ever change.  It seems the only thing that changes is us, the partner.  You get to feel like you have no fight left in you. 

I feel like I ought to get out now, but I also feel like if he could just get better he'd be the perfect man.  The one I fell in love with.

That was the moment everything changed... . the moment I said, "I love you too.". The man who swept me off my feet turned into a manipulative, controlling, jealous, emotionally abusive, needy child. 

[fatherofthree]

How did you deal with that drama for 25 years?  One year of the "acting out" has been horrible on the kids and me.  You must be pretty strong to deal with that. 

[letmeout]

You find ways to cope... . I did it for 35 yrs and I simply became emotionally numb after the first year.  I was fortunate that my BPDex would take a lot of 'fishing' and 'hunting' trips, which gave me and the kids much needed breaks from him.

A number of times I actually tried to give him away to other women, but they wouldn't keep him! LOL  Yep, a very good sense of humor is also important in this type of r/s. You laugh at what you can, and stay away when you can't.

[Perdita]

Mrs, I'm sorry about how much you've been through, but glad that you have been brave enough to finally leave.  That takes so much courage.  I hope you will continue on this path and not be tempted to take him back.  I read so many stories like this here from people who spend decades trying to improve a relationship with a BP.  It is sad and scary because there are so many of us here who also want to believe that things will improve in our own relationships if we can just do this or that thing.  Posts like yours give me a lot to think about regarding the future. 

The part about him falling off the roof the day you tell him you want out ... . BP men seem to do things like this.  I know what it is like to play nurse myself as do others here.

Thanks for sharing and stay strong.

[The Mrs]

No, I am not tempted to take him back.  I don't make impulsive, knee jerk decisions.  Not once in 25 years did I ever walk out, leave, threaten to leave or sling the divorce word around without meaning it.  So, when I am done, I mean I am done.  I realized it is really not that I quit loving him, I just started loving and appreciating me once again.  I wanted a life that was worth living and not just enduring.  I have not been " in love" with him for decades.

  I no longer could go on wishing and hoping that things would be better or different when... . when this kid graduated, that kid moved, the economy got better, his health improved, we saw this doctor, we took this trip, he finished this job, I got skinnier, we moved, we tried a new med for him, we had a different president, we had different neighbors, it wasn't the holidays, things weren't so hectic,  it was sunnier, and on and on and on.

I have now come to the realization he was always too busy for me and the kids during our marriage and now he claims to be too busy for our divorce!  First set of discovery items and he's boo hooing he's too stressed out to deal with it and wants a 90 day extension!  Point being, it's never enough with these types and it will always be about them!