Grieving with hurting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This has been a huge roller coaster.  I know what I'm going through is normal, but I do not like grieving for a person that did this to me.  It was not like my family that passed etc...   I have lost a person that was close to me and it is all very unreal, still.  Unreal in the aspect that I can't believe I put myself in this position (I have anger and keep bouncing back and forth between the stages of grieving).  Unreal to what really did happen, which I am in denial of at the same time, like I did before.  I can't block these feelings, it's incredibly hard to become unconditioned.  I know a lot about what I am going through but that doesn't change how hard this is.  I don't like talking about this all the time, I did need that validation from my support system.  I can't talk to them because they can't understand what I have been through without educating themselves, and I can't explain it to them.  This is something I think we can only understand if we go through it.  I try to not talk about it as much as I want to, I know they are sick of hearing about how I am hurting, but it creeps out and I can't hold it back.  I get repetitive like I don't take it in the first time.  I am very stubborn.  I know this about myself, but I need to open my ears.  I have been in so much pain that I feel like I have been bringing people down that are close to me.  I have been reassured that I am not by my loved ones, but I don't want to feel like this anymore.  i just want this to end, but I know it is a process.  I have to say my feelings because I don't want to bottle them up.  It is much harder at night, I am more lonely.  I haven't been wondering what she has been doing, but it still hurts.  Maintaining NC

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[Facingit]

This has been a huge roller coaster.  I know what I'm going through is normal, but I do not like grieving for a person that did this to me.  It was not like my family that passed etc...   I have lost a person that was close to me and it is all very unreal, still.  Unreal in the aspect that I can't believe I put myself in this position (I have anger and keep bouncing back and forth between the stages of grieving).  Unreal to what really did happen, which I am in denial of at the same time, like I did before.  I can't block these feelings, it's incredibly hard to become unconditioned.  I know a lot about what I am going through but that doesn't change how hard this is.  I don't like talking about this all the time, I did need that validation from my support system.  I can't talk to them because they can't understand what I have been through without educating themselves, and I can't explain it to them.  This is something I think we can only understand if we go through it.  I try to not talk about it as much as I want to, I know they are sick of hearing about how I am hurting, but it creeps out and I can't hold it back.  I get repetitive like I don't take it in the first time.  I am very stubborn.  I know this about myself, but I need to open my ears.  I have been in so much pain that I feel like I have been bringing people down that are close to me.  I have been reassured that I am not by my loved ones, but I don't want to feel like this anymore.  i just want this to end, but I know it is a process.  I have to say my feelings because I don't want to bottle them up.  It is much harder at night, I am more lonely.  I haven't been wondering what she has been doing, but it still hurts.  Maintaining NC

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[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Facingit.  I read these posts and sometimes I am simply overwhelmed by how much pain we're all in.  It hardly seems fair.  I don't feel like I can talk to my family/friends about this either.  They don't get it.  And they don't get "me" anymore.  How I could go back to him, etc. 

Understanding all of this on an intellectual level doesn't make the pain go away.  It may help us not personalize it so much... . sometimes... . but we still hurt.  I don't want to feel like this anymore either.  Don't bottle up your feelings.  This is a good place to express them.  We've all been there.  We all understand.

[LettingGo14]

This has been a huge roller coaster.  I know what I'm going through is normal, but I do not like grieving for a person that did this to me.  It was not like my family that passed etc...   I have lost a person that was close to me and it is all very unreal, still.  Unreal in the aspect that I can't believe I put myself in this position (I have anger and keep bouncing back and forth between the stages of grieving).  Unreal to what really did happen, which I am in denial of at the same time, like I did before.  I can't block these feelings, it's incredibly hard to become unconditioned.  I know a lot about what I am going through but that doesn't change how hard this is.  I don't like talking about this all the time, I did need that validation from my support system.  I can't talk to them because they can't understand what I have been through without educating themselves, and I can't explain it to them.  This is something I think we can only understand if we go through it.  I try to not talk about it as much as I want to, I know they are sick of hearing about how I am hurting, but it creeps out and I can't hold it back.  I get repetitive like I don't take it in the first time.  I am very stubborn.  I know this about myself, but I need to open my ears.  I have been in so much pain that I feel like I have been bringing people down that are close to me.  I have been reassured that I am not by my loved ones, but I don't want to feel like this anymore.  i just want this to end, but I know it is a process.  I have to say my feelings because I don't want to bottle them up.  It is much harder at night, I am more lonely.  I haven't been wondering what she has been doing, but it still hurts.  Maintaining NC

,

Before I found this community, I was lost.  I felt so alone.  But, people here understand, and your post resonates for so many.    Talking about things is important -- we're here for you because we understand.

The best advice I have gotten is don't repress the feelings.  A close second is give yourself a break, and be kind to yourself.   You are doing hard work -- and it will teach you about yourself.   Have you read the Wise Mind thread?  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind  And have you read through the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck?  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Both threads helped me find the ground again.  Keep posting, facingit.  You are doing good work.

[cosmonaut]

I know what you mean, Facingit: unless you have lived through a relationship with a pwBPD, you really can't understand it.  I can say with complete confidence that I wouldn't understand it if I hadn't been through it.  My friends and family have tried, like yours, to be supportive, but it's hard for them because they just don't have any context for what I am experiencing.  Many of them just want to write my ex off as a "batsh-- crazy b----" and the rest of them say to "just let her go".  Both groups mean well - they are trying to be supportive, but they just don't understand how dismissive they are being and how difficult and complex this is.  So, I really do get what you mean.  The good news is that this forum has loads of people that really do understand EXACTLY what we are going through.  It can be eerie how similar some of our experiences have been, actually.  So, keep posting here.