I can feel the depression setting in

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Lately I havn't had the same pep in my step. Not that I had a lot. I haven't enjoyed the turkey hunting as much as I would have hoped. Even ethough unsuccessful it shoudl have recharged my internal batteries. I can feel me caring less about stuff. I am still doing anything and everything for my wife. I realize that sout of habit now not fear of her getting angry. She still goes through my phone looking up phon enu,bers she does not recognize. She was "googling" me last night to see if I show up online anywhere. She is emailing people on my behalf. I said a word that triggered a memory. Now she wants me to contact our cable tv provider and get a list of all programing that we have paid for to see what I have been "watching". Also wants to contact the library to get a list of everything that I have checked out for the last year.  I have had people mention to me thatI have been quiet or have been keeping to myself more lately. Thats when I started to notice the depression taking form. 

[Cipher13]

Lately I havn't had the same pep in my step. Not that I had a lot. I haven't enjoyed the turkey hunting as much as I would have hoped. Even ethough unsuccessful it shoudl have recharged my internal batteries. I can feel me caring less about stuff. I am still doing anything and everything for my wife. I realize that sout of habit now not fear of her getting angry. She still goes through my phone looking up phon enu,bers she does not recognize. She was "googling" me last night to see if I show up online anywhere. She is emailing people on my behalf. I said a word that triggered a memory. Now she wants me to contact our cable tv provider and get a list of all programing that we have paid for to see what I have been "watching". Also wants to contact the library to get a list of everything that I have checked out for the last year.  I have had people mention to me thatI have been quiet or have been keeping to myself more lately. Thats when I started to notice the depression taking form. 

[willtimeheal]

I hear you cipher. I have been feeling the anger building up inside of me over the last two weeks. It was small at first but now it is just sitting there. Hang in there and keep posting. Stay busy and strong.

[going places]

I know a gal like this... .

Her and her SO met, while he was still married.

He left his wife, to be with her.

So.

She does not trust him, because she was 'the other woman' and he has proven, he will have an affair.

He does not trust her, because she has no problem being the other woman, and getting what she wants.

So much of what you have described is their life, because the foundation of their relationship was laid on 'deception and dishonesty'.

[WalrusGumboot]

Cipher13, I don't know what is more disturbing, your depression or the background investigation that you are going through.

There is a science behind depression - it's all about the serotonin levels in your brain. My physician said it best. All the stresses that I endured living with my exBPDw, followed by the divorce, then a job change, then moving across country. All this is withdrawing from the serotonin bank faster than I can make deposits (from sleep, exercise, etc.). The result is too low levels and depression.

I was more depressed prior to the divorce than after. At least with the divorce, I had a way out. Before that, I felt trapped. I had a snoopy exBPDw. Sex was rare so her mind goes right away to that I must be cheating. The depression almost cost me my business. By the grace of God it survived and avoided financial disaster.

I think you are beginning to see the road you are going down. At this point, your "deposits" into your serotonin bank need to exceed your withdrawals to get your mood regulated. Any plans on how you can do this?

[Cipher13]

I kinda thought she was kidding about wanting a list from the library on everything I have ever checked out in the last year and our cable provider for shows that were purchached the last year.  She wants proof that I'm not doing anything wrong or inapropriate. This is total crap.

[Waddams]

I kinda thought she was kidding about wanting a list from the library on everything I have ever checked out in the last year and our cable provider for shows that were purchached the last year.  She wants proof that I'm not doing anything wrong or inapropriate. This is total crap.

this kind of thing only escalates.  the more that checks out, the more paranoid they get and crazier things they come up with that they want to check on.

really the thing to do is to just say no more scrutiny like this and hold a boundary.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: I feel for you about the numbness/depression thing, and I think that's where I was when I joined this forum in the fall of 2011.  It can get better if you take care of yourself and use the tools found here and elsewhere.

At some point, you have to choose the path you are going to pursue.  Are you going to continue down the path of isolation, depression, accusations, servitude, etc.; or will you navigate the path of self-respect, boundaries, and healthy living?  Which path do you think you are on if you comply with her inquisition about TV and library usage?  (And honestly, what does she think you are going to do at the library... . crack open a dictionary and look up the definition of "boobs"?    That would be laughable if it weren't so abusive of her.)

[Grey Kitty]

It seems really tempting to tell her that she has a choice: She can trust you or she can not trust you. And you aren't going to let her snoop into all your private life and activities looking for a reason not to trust you anymore.

That might not be the right way to do it... . but consider the alternative.

Do you think she will ever find "peace" by checking up on you? Or do you think she will just become more insistent and intrusive?

[SunflowerFields]

Cipher,

Hi  

Sounds like you are feeling very low these days. That is understandable. Anyone would in your shoes.  

Many senior members have given you some very good suggestions and practical advice on what to do to make things better and to start feeling better.

I have not seen you take up on that advice.

Can you help me understand why this is?

[Cipher13]

Sounds like you are feeling very low these days. That is understandable. Anyone would in your shoes. 

Many senior members have given you some very good suggestions and practical advice on what to do to make things better and to start feeling better.

I have not seen you take up on that advice.

Can you help me understand why this is?

They have been very helpful.  My first reaction to your question as to why I havn't taken there advice is that they don't have to deal with the aftermath and I am for what ever reason terrified of that aftermath. Like it has a grip on me that I have not yet shaken. I really want out of this relationship. Even last night she tells me she wants it to be over to. You would think that would be the oportunity to move forward with that... . I then muck it all up and say I don't wan tthat when I so want to just say... . I can't do this anymore I need to leave.

[WalrusGumboot]

... . and I am for what ever reason terrified of that aftermath. Like it has a grip on me that I have not yet shaken. I really want out of this relationship. Even last night she tells me she wants it to be over to. You would think that would be the oportunity to move forward with that... . I then muck it all up and say I don't wan tthat when I so want to just say... . I can't do this anymore I need to leave.

I spent most of my 6 years as a member of this site in the Undecided board. When I finally moved to Leaving, I found myself unable to leave. I was paralyzed with fear, just as your are. Also like you, my exBPDw seemed to want out (she was the first one to scream she wanted a divorce).

Our fear response is only partly rational, the rest is irrational. We have been conditioned to be fearful for years, and because they seem to do things that boggle our mind and often leaves us stunned, we are conditioned to fear the absolute worst. We become imprisoned by our own dwelling on the what-ifs if we leave.

So I was stuck, just like you, wanting to leave so bad but just could not pull the trigger. Then one day the final straw came. Through a voice mail she left when she could not contact me, the full realization of her blatant disrespect hit home. I remember where I was and what time of the day (sitting in a strip mall parking lot at around 2pm in December). Her VM came after I bent over backward to help her with another mess she got in, and I could not pick up her call because I was in a business meeting (which she knew about). And that was it for me. The fear that bound me was gone, and my mind was made up that I was finally filing for divorce come hell or high water, and I did. Maybe you need that final straw.

[going places]

Final straw #1. Son said "I don't want to come home, that house is no longer a home"

September 2012

Final straw #2. My relationship w my youngest started heading south, quickly, then she joined the Marines, and is in boot camp right now... . to get away from this mess.

January 2014

Final, for real, final straw?

#3

I handle all the bills and what not in the home.

I just rip open the mail, and decide what is trash and what are bills.

I open a piece of mail from stbexh's dad/stepmom.

I texted him and asked why his dad/stepmom was sending him 1000.00

and his reply?

"why are you opening MY mail".

Now that sounds silly right? But for 24 years, I opened all the mail, signed all the checks, paid all the bills, handled any repairs (furnace, roof, etc), handled all service calls, all phone calls, all insurance issues (health, home, auto) etc. I have ALWAYS opened ALL the mail. Heck, for YEARS I signed his name better than he, because he didn't want to be "bothered with it".

And now... . he said "why are you opening MY mail"?

That was when I said "NO MORE".

That was the final straw.

It took another 3 months after that comment (I was processing) but right after the baby left for boot camp I filed for divorce. I am getting the house ready for the market.

When it sells, I am moving from IN to FLA.

I am getting as far away from him and his insanity as I can.

And the kids are coming with.

I was TERRIFIED for THREE YEARS of "what if, what if"

Convinced myself I could not do it alone.

Convinced myself of all the bad outcomes.

No more.

I will NOT speak negative into my existance any more.

I will ONLY speak positive.

I WILL be fine, more than fine, I will succeed.

I WILL find peace and happiness.

I WILL be healthy, and have healthy relationships.

I WILL open my own business.

I WILL SURVIVE... . I WILL THRIVE... . I WILL EXCEED.

I will do it all for the Glory of God.

[SunflowerFields]

they don't have to deal with the aftermath

True. You would have to deal with *your* aftermath.

We have dealt with our *own* aftermaths. Which of course were different from yours in details. In the overall picture, however, they were very similar. Walrus told you about his own. I found myself in a foreign country alone, with no close friends or family around, betrayed severely by a man who I moved across the ocean to be with, faced with the prospect of my life dreams in shambles. You will see as many different stories here as there are people. But they all felt the same to each of us. And felt just as scary.

and I am for what ever reason terrified of that aftermath.

This is good. You are recognizing that fear is your driving factor. Excellent first step!  

Like it has a grip on me that I have not yet shaken.

The only way to get rid of the fear is to face it.

If you want to make it to the other side, you Will. Have. To. Face. Your. Fears.

I really want out of this relationship.

Even last night she tells me she wants it to be over to. You would think that would be the oportunity to move forward with that... . I then muck it all up and say I don't wan tthat when I so want to just say... . I can't do this anymore I need to leave.

Sounds like you feel like you wanted out. You told her the opposite. Why? And how do you think she - especially having BPD and therefore being highly perceptive - will take that dissonance?  

As Walrus very correctly said above, we all had our breaking points.

If you make it to the other side, you may have to find your own breaking point. Or you won't. I've seen people on these boards make it to the other side, or stay where they are. Where you end up will be the matter of your choice.

[GaGrl]

I know you continue to see a marriage counselor.

I STRONGLY recommend that the demands she is making become the #1 topic of counseling as quickly as possible.

The level of paranoia reflected in this type of demand is FAR, FAR out of proportion to the way any couple operates.  Your wife's mental illness has degenerated to a point of serious concern.  SHE IS NO LONGER IN TOUCH WITH THE REALITY OF HOW SPOUSES OPERATE TOGETHER ON A DAILY BASIS.  You give her no basis on which to take off on these fantasies and the subsequent demands that come of what is going on in her mind only.

You seem to have a good relationship with her parents.  How open are you to sharing your concerns about the wife's paranoia?

[Cipher13]

Sounds like you feel like you wanted out. You told her the opposite. Why? And how do you think she - especially having BPD and therefore being highly perceptive - will take that dissonance? 

She totally sees through it. She sees my actions and they don't match my words. I am afraid to amidt to her I don't to continue this anymore. This goes way back in our realtionship. When we were  dating she would break up with me for various reasons: my voice wasn't assertive enough on the phone, we won't graduate college at the same time, and on an on. I wanted out back then to.  But my mouth would say otherwise then to. I knew this was toxic to soem degree or at least that I didn't like it. I joined the Army thinking that would help.

[Surnia]

Is there any chance, cipher, to speak about your mouth not telling what you really want at the next couple therapy session?

Another thought: We have all our fears. I was full of fears about the aftermath of things. Now I think its more about doing it nevertheless - facing the fears and go through. Waiting the moment the fear would reduce through something didn't worked for me.

[Cipher13]

I don't know. The next session isn't for a while and things are not going very well.

[Surnia]

okay. So do you have other options?

Sending your strength for the coming weekend. 

[Grey Kitty]

I wish you strength, my friend Cipher13.

I did see what you said... .

My first reaction to your question as to why I havn't taken there advice is that they don't have to deal with the aftermath and I am for what ever reason terrified of that aftermath.

I guess my thought on this is you are right--I won't have to deal with the aftermath you do. However I see both sides of it.

I don't have to deal with the aftermath of your partner blowing up.

I also don't have to deal with the aftermath of you giving in to your partner.

Either way you are stuck with it, and I'm not. And either does have a costs for you. This whole thread was started by you speaking of how depressed you have been feeling. That is the cost of doing nothing different.

 GK

[babyoctopus]

   

Just read this and you are my HERO.

I am still there with uBPDh, but I rejoice inside bc I know not for much longer. I already feel free.

I am preparing: school, employment... .

I have experiences #1 and #2 pretty much... . I know #3 is coming. (When it affects the KIDS for real, its a HUGE eye-opener. No "love" is worth hurting them)

God Bless You and good luck in FLA

p.s. what is STEXBP ?

[babyoctopus]

Final straw #1. Son said "I don't want to come home, that house is no longer a home"

September 2012

Final straw #2. My relationship w my youngest started heading south, quickly, then she joined the Marines, and is in boot camp right now... . to get away from this mess.

January 2014

Final, for real, final straw?

#3

I handle all the bills and what not in the home.

I just rip open the mail, and decide what is trash and what are bills.

I open a piece of mail from stbexh's dad/stepmom.

I texted him and asked why his dad/stepmom was sending him 1000.00

and his reply?

"why are you opening MY mail".

Now that sounds silly right? But for 24 years, I opened all the mail, signed all the checks, paid all the bills, handled any repairs (furnace, roof, etc), handled all service calls, all phone calls, all insurance issues (health, home, auto) etc. I have ALWAYS opened ALL the mail. Heck, for YEARS I signed his name better than he, because he didn't want to be "bothered with it".

And now... . he said "why are you opening MY mail"?

That was when I said "NO MORE".

That was the final straw.

It took another 3 months after that comment (I was processing) but right after the baby left for boot camp I filed for divorce. I am getting the house ready for the market.

When it sells, I am moving from IN to FLA.

I am getting as far away from him and his insanity as I can.

And the kids are coming with.

I was TERRIFIED for THREE YEARS of "what if, what if"

Convinced myself I could not do it alone.

Convinced myself of all the bad outcomes.

No more.

I will NOT speak negative into my existance any more.

I will ONLY speak positive.

I WILL be fine, more than fine, I will succeed.

I WILL find peace and happiness.

I WILL be healthy, and have healthy relationships.

I WILL open my own business.

I WILL SURVIVE... . I WILL THRIVE... . I WILL EXCEED.

I will do it all for the Glory of God.

OOPs... I forgot to place the quote in there, Going places!

YOU are my Hero... . I will be there someday soon.

[gary seven]

Cipher:

What an interesting perspective to have somebody type what I have considered exactly to be the same: the profound fear of the aftermath, the consequences, the Return of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Mine I affectionately (and its so weird to use the word affection when I so don't feel anything towards her) refer to as Nancy Crater, the Salt Vampire from Star Trek TOS.  She was one of Dr. McCoy's old girlfriends.  He was amazed how she could make herself look like she hadn't aged a day. 

And then suddenly people went missing, killed by sucking all the sodium out of your body.  She could make herself into a projection of what you wanted to see and believe was true, and there she goes, killing another crew member (usually a red shirted security guy).  Her secret was revealed, and the truth made Dr. McCoy (her old flame) see the light and see her for the monster she really was.  The Enterprise quickly left the scene, left the fantasy that those colonists saw as real.

But enough about my demon.

To deal with the fear of the aftermath, to be worried about it, I think is what triggers the  the depression coming upon me like the tide.

Through the folks here, reading and learning, I could feel myself slipping.  I quickly used my beam-me-up-Scotty now technique of setting a new boundary.  I have had to throw them up faster than I expected, but it has helped a lot. 

And tomorrow is another day.  Just take a minute for yourself to see the sun rise.

Make a routine for yourself.

I play some uplifting tunes on youtube as soon as I get to work in my eastern-facing office.  Just for me.

[going places]

From what I have read, I would surmise he is anti-social first and foremost.

He has several characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath... . and I have said for YEARS (before there was any real trouble) that he has not matured past the age of 13.

I cannot emphasize enough how much I am not just being "mean" but seriously, I have dealt with young people all my life, and STBEXH has the maturity, common sense, and relationship skills of a 13 year old.

His father is the exact same way... .

[WalrusGumboot]

p.s. what is STEXBP ?

I think it is a typo. Should be stbexbp. Soon to be Ex BP.

[going places]

Soon

To

Be

Ex

Husband

STBEXH