Blubbering mess

[shellshockeduk]

Hi folks been going no contact which hasnt been easy. But she added me today on snapchat. I knew I should have ignored her friend request... . But I accepted

She then sent be photo snap not long after adding her and it was her and her new BF saying me an "name here".

It made me physically sick I'm just a blubbering shaking mess now.  I wasn’t really prepared to know how painful seeing that photo was.

To make me hurt more she has gotten someone with the same nationality as me, its like she has gone out of her way to find someone that can replace me to add a little dig in to make it hurt more.

She then posted other photos on her public timeline saying off on out day out etc etc. I'd never put a foot wrong in the relationship or hurt yet she seems to want to cause me as much pain as she can.

Why on earth would she feel the need to do a crappy thing like this?  Part of me wants to keep her added so I can post photos of me being happy to hopefully get her to feel the same pain but I guess thats probably not going to affect her like it does me?

[going places]

Hi folks been going no contact which hasnt been easy. But she added me today on snapchat. I knew I should have ignored her friend request... . But I accepted

She then sent be photo snap not long after adding her and it was her and her new BF saying me an "name here".

It made me physically sick I'm just a blubbering shaking mess now.  I wasn’t really prepared to know how painful seeing that photo was.

1. Block all access to all social media, right now. If you cannot successfully block her, close your account and open a new one under a TOTALLY different name.

2. Block her on your cell phone, email, and ANY other form of electronic contact.

Do it NOW and save your sanity.

To make me hurt more she has gotten someone with the same nationality as me, its like she has gone out of her way to find someone that can replace me to add a little dig in to make it hurt more.

She then posted other photos on her public timeline saying off on out day out etc etc. I'd never put a foot wrong in the relationship or hurt yet she seems to want to cause me as much pain as she can.

Why on earth would she feel the need to do a crappy thing like this? 

Do not drive yourself insane trying to "make sense" of this.

She is a crappy person and crappy people do crappy things. End of story.

Turn the page.

She is crappy, so EXPECT crappy.

Part of me wants to keep her added so I can post photos of me being happy to hopefully get her to feel the same pain but I guess thats probably not going to affect her like it does me?

1. She does not care if you are happy. Your happy photos will mean nothing to her.

2. She will not feel pain because she is a crappy person.

3. Do not lower yourself to her standards. Stand up straight, block her on everything, and move on.

Crappy people do crappy things.

Turn the page or you will make yourself insane.

The FASTER you block her and STOP thinking about this, the faster you will be on the road to recovery and in a healthy relationship.

[shellshockeduk]

Your right, I'm just making myself read over that a few times.

I've let my self slip in to a depressed state :-(

I think the only way for me to do this is to truly block everything and that includes sneaking a peek daily at her twitter account, I dont know why I allow myself to do it, it only causes more pain.

I guess I also need to let go of the image I have for her which was the caring sweet would never harm a fly individual I was initial hooked by. That person really has gone out of the window a long ago and since been replaced by someone very destructive and abusive.

Shes obviously being cruel and I guess BPD or no BPD what shes doing is just inexcusable.

[mywifecrazy]

Your right, I'm just making myself read over that a few times.

I've let my self slip in to a depressed state :-(

I think the only way for me to do this is to truly block everything and that includes sneaking a peek daily at her twitter account, I dont know why I allow myself to do it, it only causes more pain.

I guess I also need to let go of the image I have for her which was the caring sweet would never harm a fly individual I was initial hooked by. That person really has gone out of the window a long ago and since been replaced by someone very destructive and abusive.

Shes obviously being cruel and I guess BPD or no BPD what shes doing is just inexcusable.

Give yourself a break. What your going through is normal for someone who is grieving a loss. There is nothing wrong with YOU! Take the advice mentioned above and break off ALL contact with her. Allow yourself to go through the pain and embrace your feelings.  You need to deal with it ALL to fully heal. Find a safe person to talk to (NOT YOUR X!). You will get through this and be a better and wiser man for it. Just don't fall into the trap of trying to lash out at her or get even. That's not healthy for YOU.

AND KNOW THIS... . THAT IMAGE YOU HAD OF HER IS NOT BASED IN REALITY. IT'S A CHARACTER SHE CREATED TO MANIPULATE YOU.  THE PERSON YOU LOVED NEVER EXISTED. AT LEAST NOT IN THE SENSE OF WHO YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS!

Hang in there brother... . You're not Alone!

[going places]

Shes obviously being cruel and I guess BPD or no BPD what shes doing is just inexcusable.

Bingo.

I know it's hard. The heart wants to know, the brain tries to understand... .

But it just damages you.

Block it all, and allow yourself to heal, feel good, experience joy!

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry SS.  That is an incredibly painful experience.  You're right about that... . BPD or not it's inexcusable.  I've thought about that a lot.  I forgave him everything (he - btw - forgives me nothing) because of his BPD.  Or maybe more accurately that his BPD stems from considerable pain he experienced growing up.  BPD may be the reason for certain behaviors but it shouldn't be an excuse.  Especially if they're aware of it and refuse to seek help or analyze their own behavior.  What she did was simply cruel.  I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[cosmonaut]

I have to completely agree with the recommendations to block her.  I know it's hard and I know it seems cruel, but she's toying with you.  She's playing with you like a cat with a mouse.  You need to heal and her doing this to you isn't allowing you the space to do that.  Block her.

[Infared]

SSUK... .

I have to agree with everyone here.

Especially MyWifeCrazy when he said:

"AND KNOW THIS... . THAT IMAGE YOU HAD OF HER IS NOT BASED IN REALITY. IT'S A CHARACTER SHE CREATED TO MANIPULATE YOU.  THE PERSON YOU LOVED NEVER EXISTED. AT LEAST NOT IN THE SENSE OF WHO YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS!"

If you are like I was you are in soo much pain and just shell-shocked. I kept trying to figure out who this person was, I did not understand her behavior. "She never showed me behavior like this when we were together?"  GUESS WHAT, you never knew her. She does not know her.  There is no "her".

I was in the exact place that you are, and was at a sidewalk coffee shop with 4or5 friends from my self-help group, (thank God... . if I had been alone I may not have acted differently)... . my ex pwBPD started to walk up to the cafe with her new BF(the guy she was cheating on me with and ran off to saying that there wasn't another person, of course)... . She saw me and then played hurt victim to new BF to manipulate him (God knows WHAT she had told him about me)... . so they leave and go to the adjoining cafe and both sit on the same side of the table so they can stare at me to hurt me. (VERY EFFECTIVE). People got up and left at a closer table so they got up and moved all their stuff closer and sat there and stared at me with this look on there faces of complete evil enjoyment that they were hurting me. (Thank God I had shades on).

I acted like they were not there, stayed my stay and then got up and walked right toward them as my bicycle was parked right near them. They got scared I was coming to confront them... . but I just got on my bike and rode away like they did not exist. Of course I was crushed inside, SSUK. For days I tried to figure out what had I ever done in the 5yrs that I lived with my pwBPD to deserve such vitriol?    It hurt soo much.  There is no figuring it out. You will see.  I want to hug you and tell you to take ALL of your energy and focus all of your love on YOU.  Go ABSOLUTELY NC.  Treat it like a death. The person that you loved never existed. Hard to believe, but true.  She is incredibly sick... . but don't get into that right now, as it serves no purpose. This is serious stuff, you need to just take care of YOU. I wan't to tell you that I totally know you and your pain and I am going to say a prayer for you after I post this.

Dig REALLY deep... and find the strength to love you and take care of you. You will never make any sense of this. You are a decent, rational person.  Embrace that and move forward.

[babyducks]

ShellShockedUk,

I agree with a lot of what was said except for one part.

We are all here on a board for people exiting a relationship with a person suffering from a serious mental illness.

The illness of BPD keeps individuals functioning at the level of about a 2 year old in many ways.  Including their inability to feel or express empathy.   She is being cruel.  Her behavior is inexcusable.   It is not deliberate.  She didn't wake up and say I am going to screw over SSUK this morning.  She woke up and felt overwhelming incomprehensible baffling emotions.  That only lasted a minute before the next wave of overwhelming incomprehensible baffling emotions rolled in.

So with all due respect ~ her illness is crappy, the way we were treated was often crappy, the outcome of a r/s that meant so very much to us is exceedingly crappy, she herself is a person with a serious mental illness who will likely suffer with it all her life.

For me, my experience has been that I didn't start to recover until I could bring myself to look at my own behavior and distortions that I brought to the table through out this r/s.  Granted what I did was typically opposite of her behavior or indeed very small compared to what she did but my healing didn't really begin until I found a way to understand why this hurt so much.  Why I was so willing to tolerate very poor behavior.  Why I wanted to go back so badly.

It took a long time to reach the point of being able acknowledge my part in this.   Indeed some one said confusion is the mind's way of buying time.   I had a lot of confusion.

It was important for me to limit or block contact to allow myself time.  Time for the fog to lift, the feelings to settle,  the emotionality of it all to die down.  

My pwBPD has kept up a limited low contact that is difficult for me.   I am often out in a public forum and she has followed me there.    I have really worked to be impeccable and kind in my dealings, not for her sake, but for my sake.  because I want to be a decent person.

I remember vividly how hard it was to split from my EX.  I lost 13 pounds in about a month.  Couldn't sleep.   Walked around like a zombie.   Its temporary.  :)oesn't feel like it.  But its temporary.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.  

'ducks

[Yogeek]

':)ucks, you make an excellent but difficult to swallow point. Thank you so much for bringing it up.

When I believe that my suffering and misery are a result of other people or outside situations, then I won't feel better because I don't have the ability to change anyone else. When I look at my own actions and behaviors and see that I played a part in my own suffering and misery, I begin to recognize that there are aspects of me that I can change that will help me deal with outside influences in a more healthy way. It's interesting how finding my own flaws can end up being empowering.

[Infared]

ShellShockedUk,

I agree with a lot of what goingplaces says except for one part.

We are all here on a board for people exiting a relationship with a person suffering from a serious mental illness.

The illness of BPD keeps individuals functioning at the level of about a 2 year old in many ways.  Including their inability to feel or express empathy.   She is being cruel.  Her behavior is inexcusable.   It is not deliberate.  She didn't wake up and say I am going to screw over SSUK this morning.  She woke up and felt overwhelming incomprehensible baffling emotions.  That only lasted a minute before the next wave of overwhelming incomprehensible baffling emotions rolled in.

So with all due respect going places,  her illness is crappy, the way we were treated was often crappy, the outcome of a r/s that meant so very much to us is exceedingly crappy, she herself is a person with a serious mental illness who will likely suffer with it all her life.

For me, my experience has been that I didn't start to recover until I could bring myself to look at my own behavior and distortions that I brought to the table through out this r/s.  Granted what I did was typically opposite of her behavior or indeed very small compared to what she did but my healing didn't really begin until I found a way to understand why this hurt so much.  Why I was so willing to tolerate very poor behavior.  Why I wanted to go back so badly.

It took a long time to reach the point of being able acknowledge my part in this.   Indeed some one said confusion is the mind's way of buying time.   I had a lot of confusion.

It was important for me to limit or block contact to allow myself time.  Time for the fog to lift, the feelings to settle,  the emotionality of it all to die down.   

My pwBPD has kept up a limited low contact that is difficult for me.   I am often out in a public forum and she has followed me there.    I have really worked to be impeccable and kind in my dealings, not for her sake, but for my sake.  because I want to be a decent person.

I remember vividly how hard it was to split from my EX.  I lost 13 pounds in about a month.  Couldn't sleep.   Walked around like a zombie.   Its temporary.  Doesn't feel like it.  But its temporary.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.   

'ducks

Well said ducks... . Very well said, same experience as me. Same awarenesses and processes.

In the end all we have is us, so we need to love us and conduct ourselves in a manor that we can love too. That is the real set of BigBoyPants!

Great post!

[shellshockeduk]

Thank you all for the fantastic replies.

OK well i'm in a bit of state. I wasn't so quick to block and delete her as I should have been, I guess the curiosity got the better of me and I kept her added to see what she would throw at me.

She upped the aunty with public story photos of them together saying so happy. Happy couple. Wouldn’t change him for the world and a final nail in the coffin a public photo of them in bed together which has brought me here in a mess, cannot stop being sick, the pain is excruciating.

The cruel confusing thing was whenever I posted a public photo on snapchat she would post one straight after with hidden meanings such as showing her self next to a painting I bought her, showing her self handling a lighting that I bought her these were special things to us.  Like as if to say I still remember you hey you have a chance then bam heres me and my new boyfriend how does this feel.  Its beyond crazy and just outright hurtful.

This from someone who refuses to speak to me at all last time I rang her she called the police over trying to make contact after 2 calls.  Never had closure or an explanation from her. The snapchat thing is out of the blue.

That then brings me to "cosmonauts" comment that she really is playing with me like a cat with a mouse. This is exactly what she is doing prodding and playing with me.

I dont want her back, I cant go back regardless as shes too unstable and would just destroy me, but together with everything else this recent B/S would be far too painful over everything to ever comprehend or forgive im very much done now the pieces have been shattered so much they are beyond repair. Hurts to realise that but it is clear now.

Its clear from everyones experience though I'm really not alone in feeling this pain and Im not alone in my experiences. 

If anything though I guess as bad as what she has done is given one painful dose of final closure. My brain can now say hey she has a boyfriend now you can stop wondering what shes doing or thinking because that door has been closed for you, shes moved on I suggest you do the same.

Luckily I no longer have to see her face, she lives an hours drive away in a different city. Electronic contact blocked shes gone for good.a

My god what a painful life experience... .

[Infared]

':)ucks, you make an excellent but difficult to swallow point. Thank you so much for bringing it up.

When I believe that my suffering and misery are a result of other people or outside situations, then I won't feel better because I don't have the ability to change anyone else. When I look at my own actions and behaviors and see that I played a part in my own suffering and misery, I begin to recognize that there are aspects of me that I can change that will help me deal with outside influences in a more healthy way. It's interesting how finding my own flaws can end up being empowering.

+++++1000

[letmeout]

When I believe that my suffering and misery are a result of other people or outside situations, then I won't feel better because I don't have the ability to change anyone else.

When I look at my own actions and behaviors and see that I played a part in my own suffering and misery, I begin to recognize that there are aspects of me that I can change that will help me deal with outside influences in a more healthy way.

It's interesting how finding my own flaws can end up being empowering.

Love that!