It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been NC for about 3.5 months now, and it does not seem to be getting any easier. In fact, over the last week, I've been ruminating and weepy and sad as much or more than ever.

My uBPDx boyfriend and I have been broken up 9 months and we live 1000 miles apart.

I've been to therapy, I'm reading self-help books, I'm trying to change my way of looking at things, etc. I've been dating, but no one even remotely compares in terms of my attraction or deep connection I felt with my ex.

The whole things is deeply discouraging and I miss him. I find myself obsessing about whether he'll ever contact me again or about whether he still loves me or if we might work things out one day. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to let go and find true acceptance that it's over for good.

I look at this new fb cover photo today which was a pic of a path leading into a blue horizon. Stupid to check his fb but there was a comment on it from him about how the question is, where does the road lead... .

And I found myself having all of these obsessive thoughts like... . is he happy? has something changed in his life? is he possibly moving or changing jobs? is there something new in his love life? is he questioning coming back to me?

It's crazy making. I am so so discouraged that I'm still hurting just as badly as ever.  When does it get better?

[tango1492]

I've been NC for about 3.5 months now, and it does not seem to be getting any easier. In fact, over the last week, I've been ruminating and weepy and sad as much or more than ever.

My uBPDx boyfriend and I have been broken up 9 months and we live 1000 miles apart.

I've been to therapy, I'm reading self-help books, I'm trying to change my way of looking at things, etc. I've been dating, but no one even remotely compares in terms of my attraction or deep connection I felt with my ex.

The whole things is deeply discouraging and I miss him. I find myself obsessing about whether he'll ever contact me again or about whether he still loves me or if we might work things out one day. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to let go and find true acceptance that it's over for good.

I look at this new fb cover photo today which was a pic of a path leading into a blue horizon. Stupid to check his fb but there was a comment on it from him about how the question is, where does the road lead... .

And I found myself having all of these obsessive thoughts like... . is he happy? has something changed in his life? is he possibly moving or changing jobs? is there something new in his love life? is he questioning coming back to me?

It's crazy making. I am so so discouraged that I'm still hurting just as badly as ever.  When does it get better?

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

The one thing I think this board does that is negative (not that it happens on purpose) but that it really leads you to EXPECT they will contact you again and try to come back, and when you're fresh off a break up, that knowledge makes you feel better sometimes. I find telling myself that this case is different, she wont come back, to try to break myself of expecting her to contact me. Thats the only way I can move on. If she does, Ill deal with it then, but expecting it to happen just makes the "waiting" worse

[LettingGo14]

I am so so discouraged that I'm still hurting just as badly as ever.  When does it get better?

Hello tango1492.  I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm going to be philosophical here --- I read this quote once, and it made sense to me:

"Nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."

To be honest, I didn't like the quote at first.  But, I meditate on it a lot now.  Like you, my relationship left a tremendous imprint on my psyche and my heart.

Things I've started to internalize are as follows:

1. My pain (and your pain) may be overwhelming at times, but it's not unique -- call it lost love, or abandonment, or rejection, or whatever ... . and it's shared by thousands of members of this community and millions of people worldwide.  We cared for someone, and now it's over, and it feels like losing a part of us, or a death, or a tragedy.  This means we have to be kind to ourselves.   We have to come to believe we can self-soothe, stand on our own two feet, and begin again.

2. I handed over the keys to my happiness to someone else, who ultimately threw them back at me.  I'm holding those keys now and wondering what to do with them.  In part, I think the keys need to be replaced, because I'm unlocking stuff inside of me that I never knew existed.   I want to own responsibility for me (i.e., to be "differentiated" in the psychological sense -- see Murray Bowen's definition).

3. It has gotten better as I learn to consent to my pain.  I tell myself, "I can survive this.  I can actually welcome this."  Why?  Because I want to own myself again.  

My ex and I rode a roller coaster.  It was exciting at times, but exhausting too.  There's a better way, I'm sure of it.  I don't know when the pain will end, but I'm trusting that it will once it teaches me what I need to know.

We're here for you.  You're doing good work.      

[LettingGo14]

The one thing I think this board does that is negative (not that it happens on purpose) but that it really leads you to EXPECT they will contact you again and try to come back, and when you're fresh off a break up, that knowledge makes you feel better sometimes. I find telling myself that this case is different, she wont come back, to try to break myself of expecting her to contact me. Thats the only way I can move on. If she does, Ill deal with it then, but expecting it to happen just makes the "waiting" worse

HPTL - I think that you are right -- sometimes we read other people's stories and we project back our own story -- we want/hope/desire contact.   You are also right that we can make a choice -- to let go.  To own ourselves.

That's hard stuff, but you are exactly right.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I dont know what I would do without being able to read stuff like this.

Thank you guys so much for posting.

I wish this was a support group in real life.

Not online.

[bb12]

Hey Tango

It's mind-bending stuff isn't it? But regardless of time frame, I promise it gets better.

I am more than 2 years out of mine and can tell you that first year was so strange. You think your bravery would be rewarded... . but your body is so full of addiction peptides than you couldn't see the rewards anyway. Looking back, I remind myself that I was not recovering just from my xBPD but from a lifetime of issues... . and how do you put a time frame on that?

But know this: the physical stuff abates. That lump in the throat; the physical pull for closure or answers becomes a niggling query and eventually a fleeting and unwelcomed curiosity. And finally, you reach a stage where any thought of the ex fills you with nothing... . not even ambivalence... . because the jouney has become about you and no longer him / that.

I look at the person I was when I was with my ex and feel embarrassed! LOL. I was just so emotionally immature bending over backwards to please someone who gave me nothing in return. I had zero boundary function, mistook chaos for passion, and felt I had to share the rewards of my study and hard work with every broken person I encountered. Well, not any more.

In terms of practical advice: block his FB account, set his email address to junk, and block contact on your iPhone (new feature). You are torturing yourself with sneak peaks at his profile picture and status updates. Read the 10 things that are keeping you stuck. That was my go-to article in times of relapse. Just know it was never what you thought; he doesn't really care like you do; he's not coming back; if he does it will be to serve his needs not yours; and that the true love of your life is already here. It's YOU.



BB12

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Hey Tango

It's mind-bending stuff isn't it? But regardless of time frame, I promise it gets better.

I am more than 2 years out of mine and can tell you that first year was so strange. You think your bravery would be rewarded... . but your body is so full of addiction peptides than you couldn't see the rewards anyway. Looking back, I remind myself that I was not recovering just from my xBPD but from a lifetime of issues... . and how do you put a time frame on that?

But know this: the physical stuff abates. That lump in the throat; the physical pull for closure or answers becomes a niggling query and eventually a fleeting and unwelcomed curiosity. And finally, you reach a stage where any thought of the ex fills you with nothing... . not even ambivalence... . because the jouney has become about you and no longer him / that.

I look at the person I was when I was with my ex and feel embarrassed! LOL. I was just so emotionally immature bending over backwards to please someone who gave me nothing in return. I had zero boundary function, mistook chaos for passion, and felt I had to share the rewards of my study and hard work with every broken person I encountered. Well, not any more.

In terms of practical advice: block his FB account, set his email address to junk, and block contact on your iPhone (new feature). You are torturing yourself with sneak peaks at his profile picture and status updates. Read the 10 things that are keeping you stuck. That was my go-to article in times of relapse. Just know it was never what you thought; he doesn't really care like you do; he's not coming back; if he does it will be to serve his needs not yours; and that the true love of your life is already here. It's YOU.



BB12

Great advice!

[goldylamont]

tango1492 just wanted to chime in as another person who is 2 years out -- this takes time. 3.5 months is not as much time as you would think. i would reevaluate things at the 6 month mark, minimum. i think i suffered from rolling depressions in one form or another until last summer even (1.5yrs out for me). and while this had some to do with her forced presence (her moving onto my block), i think it just takes a long time to process everything. so don't beat yourself up so much. as time goes on you will feel better, then return to the lows, then feel better again. and if you measure things in terms of *years* instead of weeks/months then you will see the improvement. even when you feel bad it won't be 'as bad'. this is why it's important to do all of the important and loving things in your life now -- because recovery takes a while. you will survive, you will completely detach, you have this power. in the meantime take care of yourself and while accepting that you have a lot of issues to work through, that you are strong and beautiful enough to do so with courage and grace. long game.

[Yogeek]

Thank you so much, Goldy and bb12, for sharing your experience. It was exactly what I needed to read tonight to give me some hope.

And finally, you reach a stage where any thought of the ex fills you with nothing... . not even ambivalence... . because the jouney has become about you and no longer him / that.

This is an amazingly hopeful insight. Thanks again.

[cosmonaut]

In terms of practical advice: block his FB account, set his email address to junk, and block contact on your iPhone (new feature). You are torturing yourself with sneak peaks at his profile picture and status updates. Read the 10 things that are keeping you stuck. That was my go-to article in times of relapse. Just know it was never what you thought; he doesn't really care like you do; he's not coming back; if he does it will be to serve his needs not yours; and that the true love of your life is already here. It's YOU.

This is excellent advice.  I know the craving for a glimps, some news, or any sign of life from our ex.  I have been there too.  We all have.  You really are torturing yourself, though, by keeping tabs on his FB, Tango.  It is just going to keep ripping the scab off your wounds.  Be good to yourself.  Nurture you.  You have been through a horrible, traumatic experience and you are hurting.  Give yourself the time and space to heal.  You deserve it!   

[willy45]

You don't want contact. Trust me. You are on these boards for a reason... . Because the stories here resonate with your experience. Would it be better for you if your ex contacted you randomly? In two weeks. The 3 months. Then 2 days. Then 4 months. Then three weeks. I promise you, the answer is NO! The intermittent contact has been the single biggest detriment in my life since breaking up. The grass might seem greener, but I can attest to you it is not. You should thank your lucky stars.

[willy45]

And yes... . Delete or Block your FB account right away.

[tango1492]

Thank you everyone for offering perspective. It's really helpful.

I will say this... . I actually did change my email and phone number months ago. My only sticking point has been the FB checking. I know there is deeper work to be done. And yes, he has done the intermittent contact in the past which is why I ultimately had to change all my contact info. It only led to pain with the push/pull and being jerked around hat was the end result of any contact we've had.

I do think there is something to be said for that concept of a "trauma bond". I'm not sure what else would explain the deep longing for something/someone that was so dysfunctional and toxic.

[myself]

No one likes to feel rejected.

That's very often part of this.

Finding we rejected ourselves hurts too.

The wisdom of 'The 10 Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck'.

Who gets stuck? We do. Who can change? We can.

Even when unstuck, it can still feel kind of sticky. Time does help heal.

Feeling rejected reaches into our deepest places.

Believing in ourselves, we can move past it.

We're all unique. We get there when we get there.