Heartbreak, Guilt and Remorse

[Emelie Emelie]

Still reeling from ":)on't ever contact me again.  Is that CLEAR enough?"  With all we've been through, and it's been a lot, he's never gone there.  He's always wanted to maintain contact.  This is just ripping me up.  I feel absolutely shattered.  As well as crazy and desperate to talk to him, to fix this, to move beyond this horrible place we're in.  I can't stand that he hates me. 

I'm also starting to take a closer look at my responsibility in this whole mess.  When he is hurt and angry he says the most cruel and hurtful things.  I did the same thing.  I've done it before too.  But this time I went too far.  Said things... . wounded him in ways we can never recover from.  I feel such tremendous remorse about that.  I've told him as much, I've apologized, but that was misinterpreted as well.  (Said I was trying to apologize and not doing a very good job of it.  He read it as I'm not very good at it.  "See... . you think you're perfect, you can do no wrong, you're not even capable of apologizing.)  It's too late to fix that.

I also went back with really big plans.  If he got into "attack" mode I wasn't going to defend.  I wasn't going to react with hurt and anger.  I was going to listen and validate his feelings and try to come to a resolution.  The hardest part of this relationship for me was always the constant criticism.  I was super sensitive to that.  It hurt.  It made me feel like he didn't even like me.  But I was going to do better this time.  Realize he was either irritable or insecure and try and roll with it.  I didn't.  I defended.  I explained.  I got hurt and angry.  I did everything wrong.  I wasn't going to overact to his rages.  I was going to tell him I needed to leave, I was hurt and upset, but I still loved him and would talk to him about whatever was bothering him tomorrow.  Didn't do so well on that one either.  I reacted with hurt and anger and just left.  Or hung up the phone.  Said I was done.  The worst thing I could possibly say to him.

He came back to the relationship "all in".  Talking about "forever".  I had reservations.  I was scared.  I wasn't sure it could work.  He sensed that and it made him insecure.  He wasn't welcome at certain family/friend/work social events.  My brother and sister-in-law said he was not welcome at Christmas.  I didn't want to tell him he wasn't welcome.  I didn't want to hurt him that way.  So I just kind of avoided the issues, didn't ask him.  Not good.  And if I did tell him he would have been furious with me.  Because it would have been about things I told them about him.  He was always paranoid about that.  Said it wasn't "fair" that people only got my side of the story in our first break up.  One time I asked him what his side of the story was.  That actually stumped him for a minute but he said "You weren't perfect either.  You think you're perfect."  That was the overriding criticism this time.  I thought I was perfect.  I thought I could do no wrong.  In any case not inviting him to things made him feel insecure as well.  And it wasn't all about things I "told people".  We had a major blip after we first got back together when he threatened to knock out an employee of mine.  A guy who is a little flirty and inappropriate with me at times.  The whole thing was a huge mess.  But my coworkers (employees) thought he was a raging a$$hole after that and I couldn't bring him around.  I told him I couldn't, not for a long time, but if I was doing anything work related in the evening he'd get very upset.  I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't deal with that well.  That it would just trigger his insecurities. 

Of course all of this begs the question why would I want to be in a rs with someone who attacks and criticizes, who rages and is verbally abusive, who threatens to knock out my employees?  I know I can't be anymore.  I get that.  But I miss him so terribly.  It was 90% wonderful.  And I can't stand the way it ended.  Can't deal with him hating me.  I working hard on acceptance but I'm not doing so well on that.  Even when we were apart before he always knew he had someone out there who really cared for him and would be there for him if he really needed it.  That was comforting for me.  I felt like I still mattered to him, sure, and I didn't worry about him so much. 

I know we don't get "do overs" in real life.  I just so very much wish that just this once I could.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I completely understand where you're coming from right now sweetie.  I have been there, and even now I still wonder if things would be different had I not snapped back in November and completely spilled my guts.  But you know what? It's wasted energy, and? I told the truth.  When we "nail" them, or figure them out, it wounds them and they have no more wool to pull over our eyes.  They think we won't love them if we really "see" them but that isn't true.  I love my Xgf very much even knowing what I know, but until something clicks inside and they want to reach out for help, theres very little we can do except to save ourselves and turn some of the care, understanding, and boundless energy inward. 

Go easy on yourself, I'm sure at your worst you never deserved what he dished out.  At my worst, I know that I did not deserve an iota of what I got.

Hugs

CiF

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you CIF.  Did you ever speak to her again? 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Yes, we had a brief recycle with about 4 weeks of spotty contact.  It was all about her, her needs, doing what she wanted, when she wanted.  I pointed this out and the end.  I expressed that the silent treatment as her way of dealing with conflict, ie me having an idea different from hers was conflict, was hurtful and not something I would participate in.  There were other issues with blatant disrespect.  I was able to see more clearly that the recycle (this time) was all about her, it had nothing to do with her missing ME, or wanting to reconnect with ME.  She was lonley, and she knows I'm soft hearted and loved her.  She knows that now I'm sure, but I'm done fixing, hopefully you will get there sooner than later.

CiF

[tholian]

I completely understand where you're coming from right now sweetie.  I have been there, and even now I still wonder if things would be different had I not snapped back in November and completely spilled my guts.  But you know what? It's wasted energy, and? I told the truth.  When we "nail" them, or figure them out, it wounds them and they have no more wool to pull over our eyes.  They think we won't love them if we really "see" them but that isn't true.  I love my Xgf very much even knowing what I know, but until something clicks inside and they want to reach out for help, theres very little we can do except to save ourselves and turn some of the care, understanding, and boundless energy inward. 

Go easy on yourself, I'm sure at your worst you never deserved what he dished out.  At my worst, I know that I did not deserve an iota of what I got.

Hugs

CiF

Couldn't have said it better. My uBPDx will get very upset when i confront her with her wrong doings and it it's worse if i have prove of it. She will just blame me that i'm out to attack her and will say the relationship is not working out. What she failed to see was i pointed out the mistake so that she will be accountable for it, instead, she tries to get out of it by lying. With all her flaws, i still loved her, she failed to see it and i've had enough. I need someone to love me back as well. I deserve that.

Emelie, don't torture yourself with what he said. They will say the most hurtful things to us and feel nothing about it. So, push it aside, and concentrate on healing your self. You deserve better than this.

[cosmonaut]

It's heartbreaking to hear those awful words: ":)on't ever contact me again".  As cold and final as a tomb.  Just this past week my ex texted me the same.  I reached out and she spit in my face.  Not a even a trace of warmth or emotion to be found.  This from the very woman who swore she would love me forever and always.  Now she's just a memory.  I never even got to say goodbye.  When she left 3 months ago one of the last things she said to me was "we'll talk soon".  We never did.  It was just more empty words, much like all the others.  I didn't realize that would be the last time I would ever talk to her.

The silver lining is that it has forced me to face the fact that my ex has an extremely serious disorder, and that I can no longer minimize just how serious and how enduring that disorder is.  Before, I had kept holding out hope that if I could just get her into therapy, if I could just be validating enough, if I could just be patient and understanding enough, then we can get back together and things will be right again.  It was hope in vain.  I understand very much about the deep regrets, the what ifs, and the sincerest wishes for a "do over".  I have felt all of those continuously the past 3 months.  If you did have another chance, however, do you really think the outcome would be any different?  For myself, I don't think so.  The very difficult and painful truth is that my ex never loved me in the way that I believed she did, and that fundamental reality would remain no matter what I did or didn't do.  It is a bitter truth.

I am now committed to letting go and putting all of this behind me.  I am committed to accepting the relationship for what it was.  I want to move on.  I am so tired of the agony my ex has put me through.  I'm just bone weary TIRED of it all.  It's time to finally drop this burden and stop carrying all of her radioactive baggage around.  I have carried it far, far too long.  "Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom".  Time to let go.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I agree cosmo thats exactly where im at now.

Em do not do that.,there wasnt anything else you could have done

I finally believe that. Its nothing to do with you...

Youre just a punching bag for them to project their previous abusers onto.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all.  Talking with you who understand is so very helpful.  I know ultimately things would not be fundamentally different.  I'd still put up with a lot of abusive behavior and emotional pain.  I just feel bad about how I handled it.  I honestly don't think there's anything that could make me go back at this point.  It took a LOT to get me to go back the first time.  (A lot of promises... . all broken.)  There is no trust there anymore.  That's not what I want.  I told him that.  We tried with a strong commitment and best intentions and now we know it just won't work between us.  But I do still love him and care about him and I'm crushed by his "hatred" of me.  My banishment.  I hate that it ended this way.  I know of other people in his life that he's "painted black" and he has no shred of feeling or empathy for them.  He hates and blames them.  It really hurts to be one of them.  Especially because I tried so hard to love and accept him BPD and all.  Because I invested so much in this relationship.  It's just brutal. 

The funny thing is I've had break ups that hurt before.  And I never felt this need to be validated by them after the relationship.  I may have been hurt or angry but it was just over.  I was able to move on pretty quickly.  This I just don't understand.  Especially since the whole relationship was often painful. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I know for me my parents werw abusive... Especially my father.

My ex tapped into tjat role... . And left me wanting to gain his love no matter how he treated me... Just like a child with an abusive parent.

He goes off on you frequently youre allowed to bw hinest and show your

Anger too! I hate that they make us feel that way... That we mist show no anger...

While they just lay the amger and abuse on.

Bs. We all have our breaking point. I think it shows youre jist worn out

And fed up. Dont worry about it. You know?

He doesnt deserve your niceness.

[willy45]

Emelie,

I've been there. Trust me. I know how you feel.

What helped is really digging down deep and asking myself: Do I really want this person in my life? Even in the darkest times, there was a glimmer inside me that said 'no, this person is bad for you, stay away'. It took a while but that voice gets stronger as you start to see things more clearly.

And we all have our breaking points. Really. But those breaking points are there for a reason. They are there to protect you. Listen to them. Don't demonize yourself for pushing back. Part of that was the healthy person inside you saying "NO". Nobody should have to deal with abuse, verbal, emotional or otherwise. Think of your pushing back as a way of your mind and body revolting against what it knows is bad for you, much like you throw up after eating something toxic.

I acted badly too with my ex recently. This was after almost 2 YEARS of being broken up. And I wrote a note to myself saying: 'Willy, what you did was your way of making sure this person can no longer abuse you'. I read that every day for a week. And it worked. I stopped feeling guilty about it. I accepted that I needed to push her away because she was poison and if I didn't, she would never go away.

And trust me on this... . the only way to heal is to have this person out of your life. I've been detaching for 2 years and the hardest parts are when she contacts me again. Over and over and over and over again. And if I slip and respond or pick up the phone, BANG, I'm right back to day 1. And it sucks. All the triggers come back. All the pain. The sadness. The missing. Everything. And I have to pick myself up and start all over. But each time, it gets harder and harder to believe that I will make it. (I am finally starting to feel better, by the way... . just sucked having to go through all the work again).

So, some take aways:

1) Don't feel guilty or bad about your behavior. Think of it as the wise person inside you absolutely freaking out about the prospect of having someone who was abusive towards you in your life in any capacity.

2) You WILL feel better. But not if this person is in your life in any way.

3) Your feelings of being this hurt is not abnormal. If it was, this board wouldn't be full of people. I've been in longer relationships with other women. And I NEVER felt this kind of pain before. I NEVER had this much trouble detaching. It hurt. Sure. Took a few months to get over. Of course. But nothing like this. The difference here is the abuse. The gaslighting. The projections. They really do have a psychological impact that is far reaching. You know this. I know this. This is why deep down we want these people out of our lives.

4) I used to think about the 'do-over' thing. When I was where you were, I would have done anything to go back in time and start again and make different choices thinking that it would have solved the relationship. As I've gotten stronger, I've realized that any do-over would mean I probably would have slept with her a bunch and kept it over when I called it off the first time. And I used to think 'if only I knew then what I know now'... . thinking that this mighty knowledge of BPD would have somehow saved the relationship. But now, I know that if I went back or had a do over, I NEVER would have put up with the ___ I did because what I know now is that emotional and verbal abuse are DANGEROUS. Severely emotionally and psychologically dangerous. It can cause so much damage. I know it caused me an incredible amount of damage and it is having health effects too. So, knowing what I know now, I would have set boundaries and kept them. After her first rage in the middle of the night, I would have told her "If you do this again, I am leaving and not coming back'. Then, after her inevitable second rage, I would have left and never came back. I would have saved YEARS of heartache, a ___ ton of money, been in a better emotional place, not have to spend the thousands of dollars on therapy dealing with PTSD, not had this constant, insane yearning for a person who abused me and probably not been on these boards!

So, in conclusion to this riveting novel... . Don't feel so bad about your behavior. If anything, feel bad that you didn't allow yourself to do it sooner!

Also, a great prayer is 'F&CK IT'. Say that a bunch. It helps.

[willy45]

Oh... . I forgot why I was actually posting... .

This: "And I never felt this need to be validated by them after the relationship.  I may have been hurt or angry but it was just over.  I was able to move on pretty quickly.  This I just don't understand."

I feel the exact same way. I don't get it either. Here's a crazy story... .

I got the most extraordinary public validation from the President's chief advisor the other day. Yes. Sounds made up. But true. And the CRAZY part of it was that I still felt like I needed validation from my ex. For reals. What the heck. That makes absolutely not F'ing sense at all. So, I don't know the answer to that one. Probably something to do with trying to get someone to love you who isn't capable of it. Maybe a blueprint in family? Maybe part of the residual impact of being in an abusive relationship? I think the FOO stuff is important. But, I also think that the impacts of abuse should not be discounted in and of itself.

[Narellan]

Em my ex said " just go home. Never contact me again", then he was back 2 weeks later begging forgiveness. It's never going to be the end unless you make it the end. They will continue with cycle after cycle until you stop it. They forget the words they've said. Especially the loving ones. If you hadn't " reacted and responded normally" as you did this time while under attack, you probably would have next time or the time after. It's human nature to defend ourselves whilst under attack. It's not sustainable in a relationship if you can't defend yourself honestly, and just validate lies all the time. You are only withholding your true feelings which will long term lead to you becoming bitter hurt and angry with this one sided relationship. 

[nolisan]

":)ECMA". Ouch!

Unbelievably hurtful words to hear from someone that had told me a week before that she wanted to grow old with me.

But I stuck to it- now for 1.5 years. Best advice she ever gave me!

[going places]

Emelie,

I've been there. Trust me. I know how you feel.

What helped is really digging down deep and asking myself: Do I really want this person in my life? Even in the darkest times, there was a glimmer inside me that said 'no, this person is bad for you, stay away'. It took a while but that voice gets stronger as you start to see things more clearly.

And we all have our breaking points. Really. But those breaking points are there for a reason. They are there to protect you. Listen to them. Don't demonize yourself for pushing back. Part of that was the healthy person inside you saying "NO". Nobody should have to deal with abuse, verbal, emotional or otherwise. Think of your pushing back as a way of your mind and body revolting against what it knows is bad for you, much like you throw up after eating something toxic.

I acted badly too with my ex recently. This was after almost 2 YEARS of being broken up. And I wrote a note to myself saying: 'Willy, what you did was your way of making sure this person can no longer abuse you'. I read that every day for a week. And it worked. I stopped feeling guilty about it. I accepted that I needed to push her away because she was poison and if I didn't, she would never go away.

And trust me on this... . the only way to heal is to have this person out of your life. I've been detaching for 2 years and the hardest parts are when she contacts me again. Over and over and over and over again. And if I slip and respond or pick up the phone, BANG, I'm right back to day 1. And it sucks. All the triggers come back. All the pain. The sadness. The missing. Everything. And I have to pick myself up and start all over. But each time, it gets harder and harder to believe that I will make it. (I am finally starting to feel better, by the way... . just sucked having to go through all the work again).

So, some take aways:

1) Don't feel guilty or bad about your behavior. Think of it as the wise person inside you absolutely freaking out about the prospect of having someone who was abusive towards you in your life in any capacity.

2) You WILL feel better. But not if this person is in your life in any way.

3) Your feelings of being this hurt is not abnormal. If it was, this board wouldn't be full of people. I've been in longer relationships with other women. And I NEVER felt this kind of pain before. I NEVER had this much trouble detaching. It hurt. Sure. Took a few months to get over. Of course. But nothing like this. The difference here is the abuse. The gaslighting. The projections. They really do have a psychological impact that is far reaching. You know this. I know this. This is why deep down we want these people out of our lives.

4) I used to think about the 'do-over' thing. When I was where you were, I would have done anything to go back in time and start again and make different choices thinking that it would have solved the relationship. As I've gotten stronger, I've realized that any do-over would mean I probably would have slept with her a bunch and kept it over when I called it off the first time. And I used to think 'if only I knew then what I know now'... . thinking that this mighty knowledge of BPD would have somehow saved the relationship. But now, I know that if I went back or had a do over, I NEVER would have put up with the ___ I did because what I know now is that emotional and verbal abuse are DANGEROUS. Severely emotionally and psychologically dangerous. It can cause so much damage. I know it caused me an incredible amount of damage and it is having health effects too. So, knowing what I know now, I would have set boundaries and kept them. After her first rage in the middle of the night, I would have told her "If you do this again, I am leaving and not coming back'. Then, after her inevitable second rage, I would have left and never came back. I would have saved YEARS of heartache, a ___ ton of money, been in a better emotional place, not have to spend the thousands of dollars on therapy dealing with PTSD, not had this constant, insane yearning for a person who abused me and probably not been on these boards!

So, in conclusion to this riveting novel... . Don't feel so bad about your behavior. If anything, feel bad that you didn't allow yourself to do it sooner!

Brilliant.

Well written, very accurate, and amazing advice.

[GlitterBug]

Hey Emelie,

I can really relate to everyting your post except my experience has been with my lifelong friend of almost 20yrs.

I knew better than to react with anger and hurt but in the moment I guess I lost focus and I felt so appalled at the way she had spoken to me for absolutely no reason and then accused me of being rude to her.

Although I don't re-call saying anything terrible (I couldn't even finish a sentence as she was shouting over me constantly telling me my opinion or point of view was meaningless).

Like yourself, we exchanged a few curt messages once I realised she had blocked me from all social media - I said in once of the messages ''that clearly our 20yr friendship was worthless as she could just wipe me out so easily without a second thought over something so ridiculous'' - This of course was misinterpretted and she replied with ''F**k you for calling me worthless!'' and then a tyrade of abuse followed which I did not react to, finall I was told to stay out of her life forever.

Having read what I have read on this disorder I appreciate that I handled this situation badly but I did not and would never call her or anyone else 'worthless' - Yes, it was poor choice of words in restrospect especially when dealing with BPD but I think it's a good example of how easily our words can be misinterpretted and lead to a devastating end.

I replied to my friend to make it clear I was referring to the friendship and how I felt she perceived it's value in my message and not to her but it made no difference at all, the damage had already been done.

I don't know if the pwBPD ever looks back over these communications and realises that what we meant was something completely different to what they interprettated and will contact us again someday... . who knows?

[toomanytears]

Emelie,

The difference here is the abuse. The gaslighting. The projections. They really do have a psychological impact that is far reaching. You know this. I know this. This is why deep down we want these people out of our lives.

Yup you've nailed it willy45! I still think about my BPDh 80 per cent of the time although he left last August. That is, about the same amount of time as when we were together. However, I can get him out of my head if I'm at work, doing creative stuff, talking to colleagues. My challenge comes when I'm at home again... . in he pops, turning up ike a bad penny. When that happens, these boards help enormously.

[Emelie Emelie]

Willy you've made some excellent points.  Thinking about your response to why these break ups are so uniquely difficult and painful.  The psychological impact.  You really hit on something there.  The criticism, the gas lighting, the abuse... . it leaves your self esteem in shreds.  It screws with your entire self image.  It's frightening.  I feel like I "lost myself". 

Also   your "prayer".  Sometimes when I feel angry I just think "F HIM!"  F him for begging me not to give up on him, and making and breaking so many promises and leaving me like this again.  F HIM.  I told him, love to you is rage and hurt and jealousy and turmoil.  I'm not playing anymore.  Find yourself another whipping girl.  F HIM. 

[seeking balance]

The funny thing is I've had break ups that hurt before.  And I never felt this need to be validated by them after the relationship.  I may have been hurt or angry but it was just over.  I was able to move on pretty quickly.  This I just don't understand.  Especially since the whole relationship was often painful. 

This is really important to understand in the process of detaching - knowing what we are actually detaching from.

The book - The Betrayal Bond - really outlines this well.  It was quite sobering for me really to see myself in a few situations in my life through the lens of that book.

Em - I know it hurt what he said, it got you to the core... . keep telling yourself that you really do matter and you really are worthy - you don't need him for that.  Rebuilding your own self esteem and worth is really important right now - this is the hard work.

We all do the best we can with what we know and life is a journey - sometimes we really screw up - I have and might again.  Forgive yourself in all this.

Peace,

SB

[Split black]

Emelie,

I've been there. Trust me. I know how you feel.

What helped is really digging down deep and asking myself: Do I really want this person in my life? Even in the darkest times, there was a glimmer inside me that said 'no, this person is bad for you, stay away'. It took a while but that voice gets stronger as you start to see things more clearly.

And we all have our breaking points. Really. But those breaking points are there for a reason. They are there to protect you. Listen to them. Don't demonize yourself for pushing back. Part of that was the healthy person inside you saying "NO". Nobody should have to deal with abuse, verbal, emotional or otherwise. Think of your pushing back as a way of your mind and body revolting against what it knows is bad for you, much like you throw up after eating something toxic.

I acted badly too with my ex recently. This was after almost 2 YEARS of being broken up. And I wrote a note to myself saying: 'Willy, what you did was your way of making sure this person can no longer abuse you'. I read that every day for a week. And it worked. I stopped feeling guilty about it. I accepted that I needed to push her away because she was poison and if I didn't, she would never go away.

And trust me on this... . the only way to heal is to have this person out of your life. I've been detaching for 2 years and the hardest parts are when she contacts me again. Over and over and over and over again. And if I slip and respond or pick up the phone, BANG, I'm right back to day 1. And it sucks. All the triggers come back. All the pain. The sadness. The missing. Everything. And I have to pick myself up and start all over. But each time, it gets harder and harder to believe that I will make it. (I am finally starting to feel better, by the way... . just sucked having to go through all the work again).

So, some take aways:

1) Don't feel guilty or bad about your behavior. Think of it as the wise person inside you absolutely freaking out about the prospect of having someone who was abusive towards you in your life in any capacity.

2) You WILL feel better. But not if this person is in your life in any way.

3) Your feelings of being this hurt is not abnormal. If it was, this board wouldn't be full of people. I've been in longer relationships with other women. And I NEVER felt this kind of pain before. I NEVER had this much trouble detaching. It hurt. Sure. Took a few months to get over. Of course. But nothing like this. The difference here is the abuse. The gaslighting. The projections. They really do have a psychological impact that is far reaching. You know this. I know this. This is why deep down we want these people out of our lives.

4) I used to think about the 'do-over' thing. When I was where you were, I would have done anything to go back in time and start again and make different choices thinking that it would have solved the relationship. As I've gotten stronger, I've realized that any do-over would mean I probably would have slept with her a bunch and kept it over when I called it off the first time. And I used to think 'if only I knew then what I know now'... . thinking that this mighty knowledge of BPD would have somehow saved the relationship. But now, I know that if I went back or had a do over, I NEVER would have put up with the ___ I did because what I know now is that emotional and verbal abuse are DANGEROUS. Severely emotionally and psychologically dangerous. It can cause so much damage. I know it caused me an incredible amount of damage and it is having health effects too. So, knowing what I know now, I would have set boundaries and kept them. After her first rage in the middle of the night, I would have told her "If you do this again, I am leaving and not coming back'. Then, after her inevitable second rage, I would have left and never came back. I would have saved YEARS of heartache, a ___ ton of money, been in a better emotional place, not have to spend the thousands of dollars on therapy dealing with PTSD, not had this constant, insane yearning for a person who abused me and probably not been on these boards!

So, in conclusion to this riveting novel... . Don't feel so bad about your behavior. If anything, feel bad that you didn't allow yourself to do it sooner!

Also, a great prayer is 'F&CK IT'. Say that a bunch. It helps.

This is spot on. Totally relate to everything you are saying. Absolutely totally spot on.