Hi heartandwhole,
thank you for your support, guidance and temperate words throughout my time on this forum.
Oh Lion Fire,
I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend, and your ex's father. I'm so glad that you were able to say your goodbyes, that helps so much.
I'm sure your ex's emotions are running high at a time like this, and it's not surprising that she would call you for support. You have shown great maturity and compassion in the way you've handled yourself – I really admire that. Keep on the path of healing, you are growing so much.
I know if my pwBPD contacted me so soon for support, my heartstrings would be pulled very heavily.
What feelings are coming up for you Lion Fire?
I feel a lot of things. Mostly it is compassion. We cried together on the Skype call. I know that pain of loss (I am a widower who lost my wife 11 years ago when I was 34) so I could very much identify with her grief. I also really liked her father, we became close in a short time, so I have my own grief with this. Also, I could see the gentle, humble and courageous side of her today and that's the person I fell in love with and still love. I believe that is truly her essence (a beautiful soul) but this is unfortunately overcome by her devastating behaviour particularly in intimate relationships. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't drawn to her. The way she spoke to me was so heartfelt, convincing and articulate. This is how she spoke to me for 2 years while trying to convince me to be in a relationship with her and I eventually bought into her dream. It was not until I got off the call when I realised that ,again, she is in a state of illusion and desperation. She was emploring me to love her, asking me to heal my past trauma, to return to love with her, "the woman who loves me and always will". It was all about me having discarded her love and ran away, a damaged man who is emotionally unavailable... . I can promise you that I did not crash this relationship and I gave every ounce of all of myself and then some more to her. She skimmed over the damage and hurt she had caused me with an open handed but unconvincing apology and played the "I love you, come back to me" card. It all seemed so ideal, it always has in theory. The fantasy of true love overcoming and prevailing. This, however, I know is not all the truth with her. I am grateful for this knowledge.
I tell you, if I had not found these boards for support and information, I would have been down to London in a flash and who knows what would become of me. I shudder to think of how this would play out. It would be like Daniel going back into the Lion's den to see how things would go
It's very sad and so hard to walk away but that's what I am going to do... . a day at a time.
Blessings
