Rage returned - help

[maxsterling]

I sensed it coming.  The weeks of extreme negative self talk.  The upcoming camping trip.  The stress of job fairs last weekend and this weekend.  This morning I woke up thinking that something is likely to set her off during our trip, and thought of ways to handle the inevitable. 

Well, today was the day.  Started with her talking negatively about herself.  Then it came to her saying she was going to the store and asking if we need anything for dinner.  I listed a few things, and she then said she doesn't have enough money to buy that in addition to the list of things I gave her to buy for the camping trip.  I put this list together of inexpensive things so that she would have something to do and feel like she contributed.  $10 at most at the dollar store.  She's had the list since Monday, and has yet to go to the store.  I told her we can go to the store together later.  She was upset with that, saying she feels like I don't trust her and am controlling her (huh?) because I am just not giving her more money to do the shopping with.  I told her that I need to see how much money I have left before payday (next Wednesday) and that we need to shop together so that we can put it on my credit card until then.  And then it fell apart.

Said that I withheld information from her about how much money I had left

Said that I put her in an uncomfortable and unstable position

Said that we can't afford the trip and should not go, and why did I pretend that things were okay.

basically blamed me for not having enough money, I guess.

I did my best to not JADE, tried to validate "I understand you are upset and this is a sensitive issue for you.  It stresses me out too, but... . "

It started to get circular.  I told her I have to work and calm down and will talk to her later.  She got more upset.  I went for a walk.  I came back to see her having sent me text messages saying this is over, blaming me, F you, etc.  I told her that I would love to discuss this further when I get home tonight in a rational and calm way, but I can't allow myself to be cursed at, have my feelings disregarded, or blamed for things that I cannot control.  I told her that I need to have that boundary.

And she went off about me playing the victim, not apologizing, that she didn't curse, that she is angry, that it is over, that she is staying somewhere else tonight, etc.

I didn't respond.  I'm fighting the urge to respond.  I'm a real mess right now.  Half of me hopes she stays the night somewhere else.  The other half wants to figure this out with her.  Did I do the right thing here?  I just don't know what else to do.  Let her calm down on her own.  Maybe she will talk to her sponsor or friend or her doctor.  But for now she has quit messaging me.  But the peace of the moment is hard to enjoy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Perdita]

Hi Max,

Sorry you have hit another low point.  It is rought always waiting for the other shoe to drop... . and then it does... .

I didn't respond.  I'm fighting the urge to respond.  I'm a real mess right now.  Half of me hopes she stays the night somewhere else.  The other half wants to figure this out with her.  Did I do the right thing here?  I just don't know what else to do.  Let her calm down on her own.  Maybe she will talk to her sponsor or friend or her doctor.  But for now she has quit messaging me.  But the peace of the moment is hard to enjoy.

Max, keep fighting the urge to respond.  You know it won't get you anywhere today. It will just go in circles, possibly for hours.  Give her time to cool off.  If you really can't resist the urge to message her today, then it is best to simply tell her you hope to talk things through later in the week.  Personal experience has taught me that it rarely helps to try and settle things in the heat of the moment.  You will be left exhausted and things will probably not be resolved today.  Just breath, take it easy and allow both of you to calm down.   

[maxsterling]

Thanks, Perdita.

Yes, I need to fight this urge.  My position: I've apologized already for what I did wrong.  But I can't discuss with her further unless she can take ownership of her emotions and understand that cursing at me is hurtful.  I won't continue the conversation unless she is respectful of my feelings.  I've said that already, now the rest is up to her.

But I am really hurting right now.  Half of me feels like this is the final straw and I would be better off in the long run if she left.  The other half of me feels bad for her and wants to reach out to see that she is okay.

I've got 3 hours left of work.  I can barely concentrate on my tasks.  I keep going outside to walk around the building.  But I know at some point I will have to go home, and have to deal with this somehow.  What do I do then?  I'm thinking that if I go home and she is not there, I will send her a message letting her know she is welcome at home, and that I care.  And then leave it at that.  If I go home and she is there, I suppose I am forced to have some kind of conversation.  And I will have to stick to my boundaries and leave if she gets abusive again.    But if she isn't at home, and I don't hear from her, I'm not sure I want to wait until tomorrow to send her a message.  I do care, and I do care that she is safe.

[Perdita]

But I am really hurting right now.

 It's a bit like being run over by a train, isn't it?  Amazing how quickly something small can flare up into something so big.  Hang in there.

Half of me feels like this is the final straw and I would be better off in the long run if she left.  The other half of me feels bad for her and wants to reach out to see that she is okay.

A very human reaction, Max.  Don't beat yourself up for caring.

I've got 3 hours left of work.  I can barely concentrate on my tasks.  I keep going outside to walk around the building.

It is hard to pretend everything is OK in front of other people.  At least you have this board to turn to.    Walking around the building is good.  It helps work off some of the tension.

I'm thinking that if I go home and she is not there, I will send her a message letting her know she is welcome at home, and that I care.  And then leave it at that.

Keep it short though and let her know she is welcome home and that the two of you can discuss things later during the weekend. 

If I go home and she is there, I suppose I am forced to have some kind of conversation.  And I will have to stick to my boundaries and leave if she gets abusive again.

Tell her you're glad she's there (could be a good sign if she stayed instead of leaving like she threatened) and that you are willing to discuss things tomorrow when you are both calmer. Be polite.  If she becomes abusive, tell her you will leave unless she stops.  If she continues, you will have to be prepared to follow up and leave like you said.  Resist the temptation to respond to insults etc that she might very well throw your way as you leave.  Just breath and say "see you tomorrow".  It let's her know you are serious about not putting up with the abuse, but that you will be back to talk things through.

But if she isn't at home, and I don't hear from her, I'm not sure I want to wait until tomorrow to send her a message.  I do care, and I do care that she is safe.

That is OK.  You are still in a relationship.  Send her a message asking if she is OK for the night and that it will be nice if she came home tomorrow so the two of you can talk.  Try to keep it short.  If her reply is abusive, simply tell her "Goodnight.  See you tomorrow" and don't reply again for the night.

I hope this doesn't turn into one of those all night arguments, Max.  Sounds like you really need to try and get a good night's sleep when you get home.   

[WisdomSeeker]

Hi Max,

I am definitely seeing some commonalities between your girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend. It seemed that my ex-gf always became belligerent right before we had guests over or right before going on a trip. Also, I could all my money on her buying presents and then she would complain about not going to a fancy dinner. Yet she was making twice as much money as I was. Go figure. They just complain to control us and avoid too much intimacy.

It appears you did all the right things before SHE left. You tried to validate her. When that didn't work, you removed the stimulus (yourself) from the scene. Also, you stuck to your boundary about not subjecting yourself to cursing. Everything up until this point was great.

However, since then you are punishing yourself for her bad, irrational behavior. You have to love yourself and realize that when you are in a negative state for a long period of time, you are suffering and there is no need to suffer. You can't control other peoples behavior, you can only control how you react to other people's behavior. It is only natural to be upset or hurt initially from a negative stimulus. The trick is to learn how to snap out of it sooner than later. Once you realize that what is really disturbing is not her behavior, but your reaction to her behavior, which is the only thing you can control. I learned this many years ago when I read a book called the Secret of Letting Go, by Guy Finley. It helped me tremendously, but lately I seem to have forgot to practice the principles myself. Besides changing your perspective, engage yourself in activities that will make you feel good and love yourself more. Personally, I love running or working out when I am down. I snap out of it and focus on myself.

I would give her some space. She will be all right. She will let you know if she needs help. They always do. Stick to what you know is right. She will be back and if not you burden will be over. We all know that you are a great guy and deserve better. It will be her loss, if she doesn't come back. Don't chase her like a cat or she'll run. Live well and stop punishing yourself. Best wishes.

[maxsterling]

Well, I called her.  I spent the early afternoon just going for walks around my building, talking with a few friends, distracting myself with work tasks.  And I felt calmer and better. 

I know why she is triggered.  But there is nothing I can do about that.  Nothing I can even do to prevent that in the future, because the real issue is she finds a trigger.  She's anxious, and rather than deal with that emotion, she prefers to find something to make her angry.

After a few hours, she sent a text message saying that the fact I am not responding is proof that I don't love her or care.  Typical BPD, as I understand it.  But I felt calm enough to respond using the tools - that I would like to have a conversation with her about this issue, but I can't if there is cursing or blaming.  I then re-stated the issue, told my truth about it, and let it be.  She responded by telling me that text messaging isn't working.  So I called.  I apologized again by saying "I'm sorry that my actions have upset you."  I'm not going to apologize for doing what I did, because I didn't do anything, certainly nothing wrong, and really can't do it any differently.  But she was upset by whatever it was, I can at least acknowledge that she was upset and she sees my actions as the cause for her distress.  I empathized that having limited funds is difficult and that not knowing the future makes it more difficult.  I offered solutions.  She was crying, and upset, but not abusive, so I continued the conversation.  I was able to explain the situation regarding money and she listened. 

But no apology for her words towards me.  I still have a hard time with that.  But that is typical for her.  We talked about 10 minutes, and she said she had to go because our couples T was calling her back.  That's good - she called the T - she reached out.  Part of me wishes I should have resisted calling her and now that I know she had called the T, I'm sure the T would have calmed her down. 

The real sad thing is that I understand the anguish in her mind, even though it makes little rational sense.  I understand that it is projection and the shame was quite apparent when I talked to her.  Her real issue was shame that she had spent all this money the past few weeks on meals out, and that I hadn't told her to save her money for the trip.  So when I told her that money was tight and that I would rather put supplies on the credit card until next week rather than give her cash to pay with, she felt the shame of the money she spent, and she would rather be angry at me than deal with her shame.  I could have explained it differently, but better?  She would have felt the shame anyway and let loose on something else.

Wisdomseeker - you are right.  It's my reactions that are troubling me.  I calmed rather quickly after this one.  But I still wonder if calling her so soon was the right thing to do in the long run.  I really had a hard time pushing that button.  I was inches close to just saying "do what you want" and moving on. 

[Littleleft]

Hope you have a good camping trip and get some much needed relaxation maxsterling.

Sounds like you've learnt a lot of tools and are implementing them well. I'm sure it helps that you have a good understanding of why she has reacted the way she has, for helping to avoid/lessen/ease future situations at least

Look after yourself and stay strong.

[maxsterling]

Well, last night she was calmer.  We actually went out and bought things for our trip, and she actually sounded positive and hopeful.  I think I just need to focus on this trip and having a good time for myself, and worry about r/s issues when we get back.  Last night I was feeling good about myself for the way I handled that situation, and had a renewed interest in the r/s as a result.  

I thought today would be better, because last night was okay and I saw progress.  But it's only noon and she is already starting with the self loathing text messages, about how she is so lazy and worthless, so ugly, etc.  I guess I should post more on the "staying" board because I am in this r/s for now, am trying to improve myself and use the tools.  But incidents like this have me feeling hopeless about the future, just knowing I can't do this forever.  

[Littleleft]

It's great you can see some progress though! And that you are using the skills you're learning well.  It's all a lot more positive than it could be, although I realise that's difficult to see or feel the benefit of that when you're also having difficult times too.

I think what you said about having a good time for yourself on your trip is spot on!  Hope you have a great time.