He wants to change parenting schedule, but...

[momtara]

Well, some of you have seen my posts before.  My uBPD ex-husband can be erratic.  He is seeing a shrink who knows about some of the behavior.  We also have a PC who has seen it.  The worst thing he did was a year and a half ago, the thing that caused the divorce - he got angry that I was standing up to him about his verbal abuse, etc. and he put our baby daughter on the edge of a high bed to scare me that she would fall off.  Then put her on the floor and left her there.  He also lied to police and said I hit our son.  (Has since admitted he imagined it.)  He did all these things over one scary weekend.  I got a TRO, ended up dropping it but got a divorce which became final a few months ago.

Anyway, in the beginning of our divorce, he was not yet seeing a shrink, I was intimidated, and most lawyers (not all) said it would be hard to get sole custody without proof of anything majorly awful.  I could try for supervised, but that still might be hard. 

He has physical problems and stress, so in the end he agreed to seeing the kids one night every other weekend.  He takes them to a relatives' house when he sees them, as he is living with relatives.  So my lawyer kind of thought that was pretty good and maybe I shouldn't take the risk of evaluations and spend money I don't have.

But over the course of the divorce, when he'd get angry at me, he'd do things like text me 30 times in one day.  Still that was bearable.  Then he insisted that I give our daughter medication to calm her down before each visit to him . He imagined that a doctor said it.  He also sent me texts during one specific visit to him, claiming she was sick when she wasn't.  I was on the verge for asking for supervised visits and a psych eval right then, and I was able to prove he was lying about her being sick -- but my lawyer said that I might just end up with the same parenting time I have no, and be totally broke.  I still considered it.  Then exH calmed down, nothing bad happened, and again I tiptoed and let things go.

To this day, I keep wondering if I should have asked for a psych eval.  It might not have showed anything that meant he should have supervised visits.  Or it might have been useful to me.  Or it might have just put him under so much stress that he got even worse instead of better with the kids. 

I have always thought that if I ask for a custody and psych eval, I'd have to ask for emergency supervised visits so that he didn't do anything erratic while under the microscope.  It could take a year, but so be it. 

When things are going ok, no major issues, he doesn't really react.  But I have to kind of really be nice and tiptoe.  I don't mind being nice, but tiptoeing in response to things is hard sometimes.

So now he has started to say that 2 weeks is hard on him not seeing the kids.  Yes, it is definitely a long time and most experts recommend that kids see their parent more often, at least for brief periods.  However, I feel nervous about voluntarily letting him see them more often.  He says he wants to discuss this between ourselves rather than spend money in court to work out a new plan.

I can put him off for now, but our kids (who are still very young and don't really talk about this stuff because they're too young) will someday be old enough to say they want to see him more.  They love him and only see the good side of him on their visits.  They miss him, of course.

So I am in this situation where he sees them every 2 weeks, I kind of tiptoe.  I know if I ever got married again or something else, he might go off the deep end.  That's a what-if, but I just mean that sooner or later he may be set off.

I don't want to be seen as the meanie not letting him see his kids every 2 weeks.  I might not mind a dinner or something like that, but I don't want to alter the plan and set a bad precedent.  If I let him see the kids more and then I have a reason to ask for an eval, a judge will ask, "Well, if he was so bad, why did you let him see the kids more?"  (I am so tired about worrying about how something will look to a judge, but I do.)

Recently he came over when he had to miss a visit because of illness, so he saw the kids and it was fine.  I figured it's good for the kids, I'm there to watch, and it lets him see them a bit without changing the plan.  Now he wants to do it on my weekend.  on one hand, it's only a few hours and I'm there to watch.  On the other hand, I don't want him to think we will do this on all of my weekends. 

Here is my issue.  Sooner or later he'll ask for more time.  At that point, I could ask for an evaluation of some kind.  I am concerned that his behavior will worsen during that process, esp if he thinks he might not get more time or might even get supervised time.   He does fear losing the kids.  So what do I do?  I can ask for emergency supervised during the eval, but without a major incident, may not get it.  And it's a lot to do and may just make him more suspicious once he does get to see them.

In the immediate future, wondering how to deal with his request for more time.  If he was kinda a normal person I'd say sure, our oldest kid is getting older, come for dinner or maybe an extra overnight just with that kid (not the baby).  But that's a hard road.

I could talk to our PC also.  But she may not have better solutions than those above.  And she theoretically has to tell him about our conversations.

Any thoughts?

I'd like to think that my fears of him are unfounded, but the dads who hurt their kids for revenge are usually just like him - normal guys in their 30s who have jobs and personality disorders that turn them angry, and they don't always have a history of physical violence.  He has been sweet to me lately but he also hopes to get back together one day, and when I continue to set the usual boundaries, that upsets him and he gets angry and a little vindictive.  I can truly imagine them one day hurting them just to hurt me, then regretting it later, but too late.

This may just blow over if I put him off a bit.  That tends to happen.  He's reacting to something specific from this week.  But 2 weeks is a long time to not see the kids, he does get upset over it, and sooner or later that will have to be addressed.  So what do I do when that happens?

[calpenna]

Oh gosh, Tara, this is so much to think about and I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in a scenario very much like yours, with two young kids, got a restraining order, am very hesitant about him having the kids unsupervised, etc. etc. I can tell from your post that you are incredibly smart and think things through completely and consider all sides before you make a decision. We can all weigh in with what we think you should do or what we would do in your scenario but ultimately you have a gut feeling about things and you have to trust that, even if that makes you feel like a meanie or feel bad for him.

When I agonized over the restraining order I just kept coming back to "but God forbid something happens, I'll never forgive myself." And why should my fears about upsetting him trump my fears about our children's safety? It's his actions that put me in the situation of even having to consider a restraining order. I got the restraining order, and his family has basically since disowned me since then but I don't regret it. It feels like a safety net. I feel like I did everything I possibly could for my kids and how can I feel bad about that?

Your kids cannot protect themselves from whichever way his mood turns. You are the only one in your immediate family who is able to think rationally and make decisions. Use your powers for good and do what you have to do. You'll never regret doing what it takes to protect your kids.

[sanemom]

Would he be with the relatives if he got to see them another day?  I guess I may play with the idea of him having a dinner or something on the alternating weeks to see if that would appease him…IF he were supervised. 

I would be nervous, too.  My ex rarely sees our kids…it is hard on them to a degree, but I think it is easier on them than if they had to deal with his crazy on a regular basis.

[Matt]

If he wants to see them more, he should offer to pay for a custody evaluation, and it should include an objective psych eval like the MMPI-2, so it won't be possible for him to fool the evaluator.

You can say, "I don't know if it's safe for the kids to spend more time with you or not, but if the CE recommends it and if the MMPI-2 results look good then I might agree to it for a while and see how it goes."

[momtara]

I was thinking of that.  He has no money.  But I wouldn't use the word 'safe'... . that will just clue him in on my fears.

We do have a parent coordinator, so if he cares so much, he will bring it up to her.  We saw her a month ago and he didn't say didley squat.

[david]

Let him take it to the pc. Otherwise ignore. If he does bring it up to the pc then say you are concerned and use the word safe. If it triggers him in front of the pc then he has validated your concerns to the pc.

I like the word didley squat.

[david]

Also, as the kids get older, and you think it is safer because they are older you may change your mind.