Ok having a bad day

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So after seeing her a few days ago, and the dramas that ensued, yesterday I was great.  I actually went on a date to try to keep my mind off things and had a great time.  But today I woke up and just feel rotten.  Sick to the stomach.  I'm missing her extra bad.

Seeing her cry and say that she's trying so hard to move on etc... . I don't understand why she doesn't want to work on things together.  I was willing, but she just doesn't feel good.  I said that's what people do when they're in love - they help one another. 

Anyway, the weekend is nearly here and I haven't made any plans.  I'm going to try to keep busy to stop falling into depression.  I wish I could shake this.

I hate to say it - and most people won't agree - but I still haven't given up.  The last thing I sent to her was "the minute you feel like giving up, remember the reason why you held on for so long - that's me" and she replied with a smile.  She even said she doesn't know what she wants to do yet and doesn't want me to hold on in case her future doesn't include me.  I still don't understand the massive switch. 

I did end up speaking with her mother the next day.  We were on the phone for over and hour.  I spilled the beans on a lot of things that had happened.  She said I'm better off without her for sure and should have walked away a long time ago.  I explained that if someone doesn't stick around and work through her issues and understand her, then she'll just keep on doing what she's doing to one partner after another, and I'm not one to walk away from problems.  Her parents want to move her back home (they live 1000 miles from here), because she's hit rock bottom in her life.  It's all just a mess.  So happy this time 9 weeks ago, to this?

I'm giving her the space and time still.  Meanwhile trying to enjoy life as much as I can.

I guess one thing I would like advice on is... . I am obviously not initiating any contact with her, but if she writes to me or calls me... . should I respond?  I want her to know what it feels like to not have me there at any time, but at the same time don't want to be rude or childish?

Sorry for the brain dump.  I'm going a little mental today

[spicelover]

So after seeing her a few days ago, and the dramas that ensued, yesterday I was great.  I actually went on a date to try to keep my mind off things and had a great time.  But today I woke up and just feel rotten.  Sick to the stomach.  I'm missing her extra bad.

Seeing her cry and say that she's trying so hard to move on etc... . I don't understand why she doesn't want to work on things together.  I was willing, but she just doesn't feel good.  I said that's what people do when they're in love - they help one another. 

Anyway, the weekend is nearly here and I haven't made any plans.  I'm going to try to keep busy to stop falling into depression.  I wish I could shake this.

I hate to say it - and most people won't agree - but I still haven't given up.  The last thing I sent to her was "the minute you feel like giving up, remember the reason why you held on for so long - that's me" and she replied with a smile.  She even said she doesn't know what she wants to do yet and doesn't want me to hold on in case her future doesn't include me.  I still don't understand the massive switch. 

I did end up speaking with her mother the next day.  We were on the phone for over and hour.  I spilled the beans on a lot of things that had happened.  She said I'm better off without her for sure and should have walked away a long time ago.  I explained that if someone doesn't stick around and work through her issues and understand her, then she'll just keep on doing what she's doing to one partner after another, and I'm not one to walk away from problems.  Her parents want to move her back home (they live 1000 miles from here), because she's hit rock bottom in her life.  It's all just a mess.  So happy this time 9 weeks ago, to this?

I'm giving her the space and time still.  Meanwhile trying to enjoy life as much as I can.

I guess one thing I would like advice on is... . I am obviously not initiating any contact with her, but if she writes to me or calls me... . should I respond?  I want her to know what it feels like to not have me there at any time, but at the same time don't want to be rude or childish?

Sorry for the brain dump.  I'm going a little mental today

[AwakenedOne]

I did end up speaking with her mother the next day.  We were on the phone for over and hour. I spilled the beans on a lot of things that had happened.

Can't this backfire on you when the mom tells her daughter "I heard you did that ("the beans" to him"?

She said I'm better off without her for sure and should have walked away a long time ago.

This is a rare thing to hear in life. Her mom says you deserve better than her own daughter. Maybe she's right?

I explained that if someone doesn't stick around and work through her issues and understand her, then she'll just keep on doing what she's doing to one partner after another, and I'm not one to walk away from problems.

How can you work through her issues? See how you are saying this? Also you keep saying you don't understand her. Yet, here you are saying you do?

I guess one thing I would like advice on is... . I am obviously not initiating any contact with her, but if she writes to me or calls me... . should I respond?  I want her to know what it feels like to not have me there at any time, but at the same time don't want to be rude or childish?

Spice,

Is having a LC non emotional friendship the answer for now? Leaves the door open in a civil way with no strings attached. I wouldn't ever say you will be there  always forever waiting. What if you find someone someday and your not available anymore that will hurt her also that she believed this.

Peace,



AO

[Narellan]

I don't know what to say really. It sounds like you still want to work at it? If she calls then why not respond? NC is recommended when you've truly had enough and need to move on. In the past I always answered when he called although I never initiated contact. I played by his rules because I didn't want him overwhelmed or smothered. I guess just go with your gut. It still all sounds a bit up in the air, not completely over. Have a read through others posts and some of the lessons on here. Then if she contacts you, you have some tools for appropriate response. Good luck xx

[spicelover]

Thanks guys   

You're right.  I don't understand her, but I want to.  If she'd talk to me or I could go to see a T with her that's a start right?

I guess I'll just play it by ear.  As it stands, I've told her I'm in this still.  It's still over as far as she's concerned (for now).  But she in her words "doesn't know what's wrong with her".  I hate knowing she's going through this.  We were so close and now I feel like a stranger.

As I said yesterday I was ok, but today... wow I'm hurting so bad.

I think the weekends are worse because she's been going out a lot and she's said things like "everyone has needs right?" when talking about men.  Then my mind goes crazy imagining she's out there finding a replacement for me.  I'm feeling pretty down and insecure right now.  Like someone has invaded my soul and taken everything out that made me feel good about myself - bad way to look at it I know.

Do these stories ever work out?  I need something positive right now.  I feel like it always ends in tears reading through posts

[AwakenedOne]

she's said things like "everyone has needs right?" when talking about men.  

Spice,

To me that's pretty low down to talk to you like that about her needs for other men in this way. Something in doing that screams   to me. Protect your heart.  

AO

[Narellan]

If u feel like someone has invaded your soul and taken everything out, that's ok to feel like that. It's not the wrong way to look at it. Sometimes it really does feel like you've lost your soul. I know exactly what u mean. I felt " stripped to the core" and didn't know which way was out. I loved and wanted to understand my ex also, right up until I discovered he was seducing my best friend behind my back. That pretty much made my mind up there was no where else to go from this devastation but far away. For me, he decided by his actions, and my heart just gave up trying. At the moment you still feel there's some hope. Really listen to your feelings, especially your gut.time and distance will help you with your decision. Mine was a deal breaker. If she is out with other guys, is that a deal breaker to you?  There is no right or wrong way to feel here, everyone on here battles with the same decisions you are trying to make. Keep reading up on here, talking your feelings through. Big hugs to you. 

[spicelover]

Yes when she said that stuff it was in the earlier days of the breakup.  But since she has said she's been putting up walls and her way of dealing with things is to say hurtful things.  It was a killer when she said her friends are all saying she "needs to get back in the saddle".  Ouch. 

Anyway *deep breath*... . I guess time will be the best thing for me.  I have to stop dwelling on her, but it's so hard.  I've never had a breakup like this.  I've never felt so empty and sad in my life.  Knowing she's so close (both at work and where she lives), and yet so far. 

Thanks for letting me talk it out guys.

[Narellan]

It really helps to talk things through. Most on here say they've never felt so damaged by a break up before. Take care x

[GreenMango]

Spice

If you want it to work out and you want to give her time are you two speaking at all?   Is this a down cycle in the relationship or did you two breakup?

Second if this is time for space my advice would be stop seeing other people to fill that gap she's left.   If this is a break spend it proactively. ... Seeing a therapist working on the issues you bring into the relationship, communication techniques for when you do talk, and asking yourself some hard questions like:

How long will you wait?

What you need in a relationship?

What your deal breakers are... . infidelity etc?

Is this person able to realistically able to meet this?

Most people don't want to hear you need to get fixed before I'll deal with you so if that is how this panned out you may want to consider another approach when you talk again.

[spicelover]

GreenMango, she broke up with me.  She just took everything and left overnight.  Things were quite good, and we had a big fight and she left.  Turned everything positive in our relatioship around and made it a negative.  She said she needs time to heal and "for now" there is no us.

She kept telling me to move on and if we are meant to be we will be.  I feel like she's been testing me.  Her biggest fear was that I'd go back to my ex-wife.  I would never do that.  But that's the theme of all of her angst. 

I have been seeing a therapist... . he's the one who suggested I did some research on BPD initially. 

I definitely don't want her to think I want her fixed before I see her again - I've said I want to work on things together, and she's the one who keeps saying we need to do this alone.  I'm so torn.

[Facingit]

I know this feeling very well.  I was the only one that was staying there for her, after friends left, family etc...  I believed it.  I kept telling her the same thing.  We can work on it together, we will make it, I have this plan for us, it will all be ok.  After many breakups that was what I always stayed true to, because I don't like giving up on anything.  I am codependant, and I have been in denial of many of my own issues.  I spoke to my exBPD fiance's mother a few months ago (she broke up with me earlier that morning while we were moving from her apt to my house), we had to move some things back to her mom's.  Her mother is very strong, but crying at the same time.   I didn't know if it was the cruel insensitive words my ex used, or the things my ex and her brother keep at the house.  I watched as the movers were doing their work, and my ex had disappeared at that moment.  She was waiting in my car, I told her I had to say goodbye to her mother, she didn't understand why.  This is common courtesy, I walked in the door and this strong, wealthy, and loving woman was crying and asked me what was wrong with her daughter, even after both her and I knew her diagnosis.  I hugged her mother, and did not disclose what was going on with us.  Needless to say, we got back together the next day.  I always remember that moment.  Mine didn't end well, but it was a gift, if she isn't working on herself truly (going to a therapist once a month doesn't count).  It won't be a good love story, it will hurt you, I wanted to be that guy that was the only one that stuck around, I did for years, she gave me words, fake love to feed herself, don't give your heart or emotion to this person, it won't end well.  I'm getting better everyday from this, I'm still hurting and it's ok that I am

[spicelover]

I'm so sorry to hear your story Facingit.  Do you really think it's fake love that she gave you?  Or do you think it was just her "version" of love?  I've read that BPD people feel love, but it's much more intense than normal, and their insecurities and fears are what ruin it?

My ex is seeing a therapist alone about her issues.  She's going once a week and has been since she left (initally twice a week for the first few weeks).  I don't think it's for BPD, but I think they'll get there if she truly opens up.  Her therapist strongly recommended she keeps going for at least another month.  To me she seems worse than ever, so I can't imagine everything getting better in a month.  I hope she sticks it out.

At least she's admitting she has issues.  She's even said that I'm better off without her and I seem so much happier now - that's one of the things she's turned around on me... . the fact that I appear happier (and yes appearances can be deceiving - because I'm absolutely miserable), that must mean she's bad for me - in her eyes anyway.  She changes her tune between saying she's doing this for herself, and doing it for me. 

[Narellan]

I believe my ex felt real love when he was in the moment with me. The times he ran came immediately following strong declarations of love between us and intense intimacy. he was in turmoil.  The issue is not really whether they love us or how much, it's whether they can sustain that. And more often than not they can't. They are sincere but can't follow through with it as in a normal healthy relationship. I've accepted he can't be in a relationship and I can't be in this push pull devastation any more. It's really the sadest life for them, and their partners. 

[Facingit]

I have read so much and interpret things differently, like we all do.  What I've read and experienced have contradicting behaviors.  Their pain is so deep that they have a very hard time loving.  I look at love as having the ability to have a spiritual, emotional, physical, and psychological connection.  The intense feelings they have come from the excitement in my experience.  A new thing said that would change something.  Like having a baby, or getting married, diverts from the problem at it's core. 

I was told the most wonderful things about how much she loved me (even after years of the on again off again like I said, through cheating on her part, repetitive on my part).  The recycle, I always wanted it to work.  Se wrote me a five page letter, while we were living together, and I read it at work.  She told me how special I was, confronted her disorder in the letter, and talked about how we should communicate moving forward since we both knew her disorder.  "I was a needle in a haystack in a two story barn, and she wanted to thank some of my family that had already passed for producing such a great man".  She broke up with me later that day.  This was just a few months ago, and I of course took her back. 

Their ability to love is hard shaped, because it may feel like love to me, but now I know it is only for their own need to fulfill themselves.  I really hope she can love in her own way, so intensely, but what happens when you have to sit on the couch at the end of the day and all of those stories, and exciting things to talk about are not new. They create drama, and chaos to make things new, that was my experience.  I was boring etc...   but I have a job, and she dropped out of school twice since I've known her, I finished school, she didn't with the two schools before those two.  Integrity, comfort, and stability are things we should have in our lives.  Always do what we say we are going to do is what my dad always said, if we don't have our word, what do we have.  I've drawn back on those words but I'm trying to get to that point.