How Do I Ask the Judge for Help?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am new to this board.

My ex-wife is a BPD family destroyer. We have joint custody of our 12 year old daughter. I have two older daughters from a previous marriage and they are grown, living independently. My ex has done everything possible to destroy my relationship with my daughters.

We have been in Family Court for nearly 10 years. There are 164 docket entries for our custody case and ex is responsible for 90% of them. We have probably spent in excess of $100K in legal fees for nothing. Custody is still joint, daughter in the middle and she is old enough now where it is really affecting her.

How do I clue in the judge, hopefully get her to order a psychiatric evaluation?

Things are getting worse.

[JRS432]

I am new to this board.

My ex-wife is a BPD family destroyer. We have joint custody of our 12 year old daughter. I have two older daughters from a previous marriage and they are grown, living independently. My ex has done everything possible to destroy my relationship with my daughters.

We have been in Family Court for nearly 10 years. There are 164 docket entries for our custody case and ex is responsible for 90% of them. We have probably spent in excess of $100K in legal fees for nothing. Custody is still joint, daughter in the middle and she is old enough now where it is really affecting her.

How do I clue in the judge, hopefully get her to order a psychiatric evaluation?

Things are getting worse.

[ugghh]

Welcome to the board and sorry for your pain.  What state are you in?  What does your attorney say?

Have you ever had a Guardian At Litem appointed on behalf of your D12?  Typically when evaluating custody, the evaluators or childrens representatives have pretty broad discretion to order things like pysch evals for both parents, etc.

[momtara]

You can file a motion for a psych eval.  Custody eval too.  You may need a reason or change in circumstance.  Maybe a GAL would help.

[ForeverDad]

Is your parenting schedule equal, majority or minority time?  It sounds like it's time to ask court for custody, it may not stop the caseload but it would put your parenting on firmer ground and if you currently have minority parenting time then getting majority time should help.  I had to go through a Change of Circumstances process before the court could proceed to ponder changing custody.

Why are your adult daughters in contact with their formed stepmother?  Were they under her influence when they were younger?

[david]

I hear you are in Pa. Depending on the county you have different options. My hearings are in Bucks county. Bucks county is one of the worst counties in Pa for fathers and custody. Fortunately, the state supreme court recently ruled that judges must write their reasons for their custody decisions. What has worked for me best is I document everything. I only communicate through email which makes it easier. I do not text and I do not answer my phone if ex calls. Must be through email or I don't communicate. The only exception is a true emergency and I haven't had one since I started that boundary. It's going on 5 years now.

What I learned is that judges do not like making decisions. They want the two parties to agree. Of course, that is unlikely most of the time. Second, when in court I usually have a giant pile of papers documenting everything I am concerned about. On top of tghe inch or two thick pile is one paper describing everything underneath. It is short, one page, and to the point. The judge gets both things, looks at the header sheet, hands both to ex and askes her if she agrees. At that point ex has to decide to agree with the cover sheet or go through everything. Judges do NOT want to go through everything. My ex has always agreed with the cover sheet. That sheet is then introduced as evidence. The judge MUST rule on the evidence presented and admitted. The testimony is secondary. I've only done that three times and each time things went the way I thought they should. Since I am telling the truth ex has no counter. Stay focused on what is best for the children and ignore the drama and emotions. Easier said than done but after 10 years it should be easier for you.

There is a grass roots organization called FACE (families and childrens equality) They are a great resource and help. You can google them and find the closest meeting place. I go to the one in Bucks county on route 1 across from Reedman car delership. It is held in a Panera Bread. Besides this website that is the next best place I have found for advice and help.

[ForeverDad]

Have you read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak?  It is inexpensive and he is respected as an authority in divorces and split families.  The recent revision of the book, as well as his website, includes additional information about Family Bridges, a week or more of sessions, almost a retreat or vacation, where the goal is to reduce the alienation and restore the family closer to normalcy.  I don't know whether they include adult children or whether the alienation of your minor daughter merits this program, but check it out.  At the very least his book is good for handling the alienation attempts and properly validating the children.

[JRS432]

Thank you for your replies.

We live in PA, Philly area.

Our custody is joint and our D12 spends equal amount of time with us both.

We started with co-parenting counseling which ex turned into a circus. She would go in, turn on the tears, twist things around and then we would yell at each other. We tried several sessions on two different occasions with the same result. Hundreds of dollars spent, nothing accomplished.

Later we had a "Custody Coordinator", an attorney, who we paid $300 an hour to make co-parenting decisions for us. This also turned into a circus with ex submitting, on average, ten different problems a week. Thousands of dollars spent, nothing accomplished. I finally deep-sixed that.

Our D12 has been in therapy on four different occasions, including at present. Each time ex had the therapist write to our judge behind my back telling the judge all of her problems and attempting to make me look bad. Fortunately the judge has disregarded this.

My ex filed for sole custody in 2011 then trumped up some charges and a PFA against me. The judge dismissed the PFA and never even heard the custody petition. She refiled in March of this year and it is pending.

We had a "Custody Evaluation" in 2005-2006 that took a year and cost us $10,000. It was 77 pages long. The judge was sent it by the evaluator (psychologist) but nothing ever came of it. The evaluator stated in part that ex exhibited behaviors of someone with a mental illness and tried to hide it, based upon the MMPI.

We continue to go round and round. She keeps playing victim. The judge, to the best of her ability, tries to ignore her but the expenses mount, the pressure on my daughter mounts and I am mentally exhausted, arguably depressed.

I really want the judge to put ex under a microscope.

[david]

First you need to decide what you are trying to accomplish. Have clear goals that are in the childs best interest. Sole custody, shared custody, custody schedule in detail, who has final decision making power, etc. Everything needs to be spelled out. It takes lots of work. It took me a month to write our custody order several years ago. I went online, this site, delta bravo, I can't remeber them all. In court ex had nothing. Judge gave us two weeks to hand in a proposal and he would decide. Ex still had nothing and that is when I had my list. It was 14 items. He denied one and the other 13 are written in our court order exactly as I wrote them.

Next you need to find an atty that understands your goals and can explain what you need to accomplish them and how. If he can't explain it to you then either he isn't the one or you haven't done your homework.

Three, you need to have overwhelming evidence to support your goals. Your atty has to understand that ALL evidence is to be presented and admitted. Make sure you have a list when you go to court and make sure it is followed. Your atty is being paid by you to do something. If he/she said it can be done with the evidence and it is presented properl;y you have a good chance. The fcats that ex was already diagnosed with a mental illness is good. It is not the reason you want to chnage/address things but it shows a reason why co parenting doesn't work. Let the atty do that. You are not a psychologist and you should not try to be one. I know you don't need to be a weather man to know if is raining outside but courts require "experts".

You have a long history that needs to be put in order and documented in a simple fashion. The piles of papers backing up your concise history will be brought along but no judge wants to look through it. 77 pages is a lot. Find someone that is a psychologist that can go through it and find the important stuff. You look through it beforehand and figure out what you think is important. Find out what your court looks for. A custody coordinator that was getting 10problems a week from one party and not the other. Document on a page the length of time the coordinator was used and the numbers of problems per week that were initiated by you an dby ex. Show the patterns of the entire ten years. Have each of the issues printed out in a pile. The cover sheet has it all. The details are in the pile. Walking into court with a giant pile of proof and a few pages explaing everything in the pile will go a long way.

Remember, your issue is what is best for D12. That is how everything needs to be presented. How is all this constant fighting hurting your D12. Show how you have been trying to work with ex but she refuses.

You can file for a change in circumstances. Keep documenting everything.

I have several thousand emails from my ex. The majority are fights that I do not participate in. They are one direction. I only reply to emails that have something about our kids and I only reply to that something. I have emails where ex tells me allkinds of things that are wrong with me. If there is one thing in it that has to do with our boys I answer that one thing and ignore the rest. I no longer try to defend my position, ideas, etc.

Once you go to court you need to concentrate on the last 6 months. You will include the past ten years but the focus will be on those last six months showing that things aren't changing and why.