When I'm with him I want to get away, when he's gone I miss him

[Violista]

I've been in a relationship with a guy who I suspect has BPD for just over a year and a half... . but we have had many on and off periods during that time - a lot of breakups and reconciliations. We have just ended it again.

I'm feeling pretty stuck because I'm finding that during our "on" periods, I feel more fulfilled in some ways, I have a sense of warmth that I don't have when he's gone... but at the same time I tend to feel trapped, mistreated, drained, stressed, exhausted and often feel like I'm dating a child rather than an adult. When I'm with him I often feel like I'm not really that into him and not really serious about him, and often have the thought that I can't wait until we break up again.

Yet when we part, I start missing him and feeling bored and empty. I have been interested in a few other guys since i've met him, but they seem one-dimensional compared to him and nobody can quite make me feel the warmth that he does. I miss his emotionality when I encounter other guys who are less emotional. I haven't really met anyone else in my life who makes me feel the kind of warm fulfillment that he makes me feel on his good days. It's like even colours look brighter when he's around. Things seem grey and flat without him. I get preoccupied with him and start to have the strongest urge to try to get back with him, and if I try to, it always eventually works.

He notices this, and sometimes says I only act like I really want him when I'm trying to get back with him after a breakup, but that i go colder when i actually have him. I think this hurts him, but I can't help it, I think I create some distance to protect myself from getting too hurt by his crazy tantrums and frequent little acts of inconsiderate behaviour.

I feel stuck, like I'm damned with him and damned without him.

[dillan6241]

OK this is amazing because this is exactly how I felt literally word for word when I was with my exBPDgf. When I was with her my rationale was completely overrun by my emotions because she herself was so emotionally sensitive to me and my needs it was amazing she idealized me like nobone else before.

When I was gone ... . I didn't have this emotional attachment and my reason tool over my mind knew something was wrong. I knew mentally I didn't love her. I knew something was dearly wrong but I was addicted to the exteme  emotionally attachment that's why I kept going back. It was a severe addiction that I just couldn't over come on my own. I just have co dependency issues and I never wouldve been able to break up because of the sever emotional addiction. I never loved her because of the hurt and pain she caused me ... .

Thanks for posting this its amazing I surely am not alone

[LettingGo14]

I agree with dillan.  You wrote an extremely articulate summary of the catch-22 so many of us feel.

One time recently, in a meditation class, I became determined to "feel" that amazing (albeit fleeting) feeling I had with my ex when things were "good."   

I will tell you this -- there were three 20-minute meditations in this class, and by the last one, I felt it again.   

It opened my eyes a bit.  Much -- if not all -- of what we "feel" (good and bad) comes from within us.   It's something I've been working with.

[Jb101]

I had very similar feelings at times, and it's a great point. I remember vividly a few nights when we were together and I'd wake in the middle of the night and think what the heck am I doing? This is terrible, this person is a destructive wrecking zone... . and then be away later and want to go back, only to feel the same again. It's only now that I'm slowly realising she was fun, and I sometimes crave that, but it's also dysfunctional, unhealthy and she's fundamentally a horrible person a lot of the time, looking back I can see so much game playing even when things were good.


I liken it to finding a massive 3ct diamond, only to discover it's cracked and horribly damaged... . you know it's not really good any more, but part of you craves the excitement of that very rare diamond if that makes sense... .

[BacknthSaddle]

I had very similar feelings at times, and it's a great point. I remember vividly a few nights when we were together and I'd wake in the middle of the night and think what the heck am I doing? This is terrible, this person is a destructive wrecking zone... .

I agree with everything Dillan said, but this line from Jb in particular struck me. I had many moments literally in the middle of the night (3-4 AM) where I would wake up and think the same thing, and I remember hoping that that feeling would carry over to the morning.  But it never did.

[Exeter]

I felt this way near the end of us "working on trying" to put our relationship back together.  It was like I would see her and it was ok, yet I dreaded seeing her.  Leaving felt ok and peaceful, honestly it felt peaceful knowing she was there for me, yet we kept our distance.

I don't totally crave her back, I think I crave most the idea of what we could have been - meaning I perceived it as a relationship that could go the distance when I was seeing what I wanted to see and not reality, almost as if their emotional turbulation distorted my own perceptions.

I feel sad for our son that his parents can't stay together or (I almost wrote grow up) grow old together however each day has its highs and its lows.

I am sure the idealization occurred and attracted me to her, however what really sold me in the beginning aside from charm/looks was when she told me she was a Christian, that made me feel like I had met a potentially good match yet after 2.5 years of BS, unless she wants to help herself and get better at this point I don't think I could or even would want to take her back, I took my son and left got custody and am working towards healing me right now.

[Violista]

I agree with dillan.  You wrote an extremely articulate summary of the catch-22 so many of us feel.

One time recently, in a meditation class, I became determined to "feel" that amazing (albeit fleeting) feeling I had with my ex when things were "good."   

I will tell you this -- there were three 20-minute meditations in this class, and by the last one, I felt it again.   

It opened my eyes a bit.  Much -- if not all -- of what we "feel" (good and bad) comes from within us.   It's something I've been working with.

Actually I thought about this after I wrote this post - what if I could feel the same kind of passion towards MYSELF that I feel for him? What if I could feel it on my own, without him having to be present?

I feel a lot of warmth towards him and feel like he's a really interesting person because he's passionate, he surrounds himself with beautiful colourful artistic things, he likes to go out for walks in nature a lot so I associate him with being close to nature. He also likes to go to outdoor music festivals and parties held out in the forest, which I also frequent myself, and these parties are a really great mix of fun, nice people, music, dancing and beautiful natural outdoor locations. He just has this vibe about him that's similar to what I feel at those parties. I also get touched by how deeply he seems to feel emotions, he has looked at me sometimes with so much emotion in his eyes and shown so much attachment. He makes some of my other exes look so unfeeling sometimes.

I associate him with all these beautiful things and emotional passion, but when I think about it, my description above could well be about myself. I have ALL of the traits I just described. I too am very emotional and passionate and fiery, I like natural settings, like beautiful artistic decorations, and have the kind of colourful richness to my soul that I see in him.

So why do I give him so much credit for the beautiful things about him, but not give myself much, when I pretty much possess nearly all the traits that I love so much about him (AND i don't do many of the rude things he does to people)? Why do I feel like when I'm with him he gives me something that I don't have and completes me in some way, and that when I'm without him I can't feel as warm and complete as when I'm with him? I'll probably always feel this warmth and fulfillment in association with him because he does have something very beautiful about his soul, and maybe I'll never feel it as completely when I'm alone as I do with him... . but at least maybe I can learn to feel it without him a bit too, stop feeling like I'm not interesting without him.

[rozenmaiden]

I am sure the idealization occurred and attracted me to her, however what really sold me in the beginning aside from charm/looks was when she told me she was a Christian, that made me feel like I had met a potentially good match... .

Its crazy because my ex said he was a Christian as well but would only bring it up in fights and only to make me feel bad because I am not one. He would use his supposed religion to make me feel lesser but the entire 9 months of our relationship he never went to church or read his Bible. Maybe I just don't understand being Christian, but he didn't seem like one to me.

[woodsposse]

 

This is a very common thing that I'm sure a lot of here have gone through.  I know I went through this a lot with my r/s with folks with PD (whether it was full diagnosed PD, or depression or bi-polar, etc).  I couldn't understand the attraction and why I would stay in such a r/s - or why when we broke up I allowed the recycles to happen.

Yes I knew being together felt wonderful - until the problems creeped in... . and eventually the dynamics of the r/s spintered and arguments and fites and circular logic conversations.  I would get on a hours and hours long conversations trying to get my point understood... . which never happened... . and only helped the r/s deteriorate and eventually the split would happen - and the next recycle would start.

I use to "blame" it on her.  But after coming here to this site, understanding about pwPD, I realized the real trigger to all of it wasn't them, it was me.

Yes it feels AWESOME to have that 'energy' the r/s brings and the connection with the other person - but when it ruptures (whatever that looks like), why would I allow it around me and why would I stay in it?  Was it because I thought, subconscriously that I couldn't get something/someone better?  That no one would love me for me?

Or was it something deeper?

I was able to take a good hard look at my life and trace it backwards to my childhood traumas and my FOO, and my diagnosed mother and the fact that I was raised to accept this type of behavior as normal (because this is how she was). 

Once I was able to settle that part of my past, I was able to move forward again and fully realize... . my happiness starts and ends with me.  Yes, we can be in relationships with folks and feel AWESOME.  And PD or not, things happen in r/s which make things not work out.  And if it starts to take away from your sense of well being... . then it's time to move on.

This doesn't mean you don't 'love' them or don't want to be with them... . this simply means you are taking care of yourself, your happiness, your wellbeing.

It is a much happier place (and far less stress) to be happy and stress free when you don't allow the pangs of pain to be part of your life.  I see it now all the time and all around me.  Yes, what I'm saying is easier said than done... . and the journey I was on to get here was difdicult - but well worth it.

I'm saying this with empathy and care about my people I have been in relationships with (and plan to be in future r/s with) - I would much rather be open and honest (with them and myself) and be happy... . than be guarded, angry, afraid to say what is on my mind, walk on egg shells, or put up with any behavior which does not add to a sense of wellness.

We, collectively and individually, have it within us the ability to accept or not those things we want.

I don't eat mushrooms.  Never liked em... . never will.  Everyone who knows me know this.  If you put a plate of food in front of me covered in mushrooms you will not get me to eat them and you will not get me to feel bad because I won't eat them.  Sorry... . can't happen.  Won't happen.

no stress.  no unhappiness.  It is just what I accept (or don't).

So in a r/s with anyone (PD or not) - there are things I accept... . things I don't.  If it is all good... . it's all good.  If it tips into not good... . then that's okay too.  And that just means it is time for me to move on.  Nothing will take my happiness away (and I darn sure will not take my own away by my hands).

[guitargrl]

This is the exact same for me… When we are together after the first initial contact, he goes right into the idealization thing that feels good yet feels so unhealthy and smothering me completely and I go right back to sort of in some weird way waiting to break up again.  Then after the break up I do fine start feeling healthy, exercising, seeing friends life starts feeling right I feel strong and then usually within two weeks tops I start missing… and the missing feels so so intense. until I break nc or respond to his contact. it never seems to fail, its the most miserable pattern.

[Emelie Emelie]

I've had those feelings as well.  When I'd just get so tired of dealing with his crap.  Tired of feeling anxious.  Tired of "walking on eggshells".  Tired of having to be with him "all the time".  I would just need a break. 

And yes... . when he didn't want to be with me... . I felt (and feel now) the intense yearning to be with him.  I try to remember those times when I needed a break from him, remember why.  Doesn't help much.

[Lion Fire]

"I think I crave most the idea of what we could have been - meaning I perceived it as a relationship that could go the distance when I was seeing what I wanted to see and not reality, almost as if their emotional turbulation distorted my own perceptions"


This is exactly what I'm grieving. I am coming to terms with shattered dreams. I thought I had landed in heaven. It took her 2 years to convince me to be with her. She presented a dream of a true unit, two good souls wanting the same thing... . companionship, children, romance and adventure... . when I eventually bought it I was hooked. I could see red flags everywhere but ignored them as well as my intuition. I entered her dreamland in hope. I eventually jumped for safety after being violently pushed way beyond my limits.

At times, I achingly yearn for those dreamy days when it all seemed just right. I make a habit of reminding myself of the diabolical reality it became. That right sizes things   

[Violista]

He came over to my house and started trying to work things out. He asked me what I want, I said I can't see anything serious happening with him, he stormed out and left. I didn't follow, I just let him leave. I was kind of proud that I said no to him and that I just let him walk out and that I wasn't taking his crap anymore.

Now, two weeks later or so, suddenly I'm feeling lonely and missing him. Another guy I like is friendzoning me and it upsets me, and it's adding to my loneliness. I'm finding myself calling the BPD ex, trying to get in contact, and yet secretly thanking God that he isn't taking my calls, because I know I don't truly want to go back there. Yet part of me misses him terribly and thinks well at least he wouldn't friendzone me, at least he always showed me passionate feelings. It's the most confusing thing.