Mother's Day, 1st one estranged from BPDm

[alicein1derland]

Hi All,

This will be the first Mother's Day totally NC with my BPDm.  Last year was LC, but she sent me a letter "disowning" me in January of this year.  For this year, I had my kids send a grandmother card (as well as a card for my father's birthday, which was also this week), but I didn't send anything and don't plan to.  I know she/they are mentally ill, and mostly miserable people to be around, and I know that it's likely better for me mentally to be separated.  Still, it is kind of depressing this time of year.  I try to focus on my own kids, but how many commercials, songs, etc do we get bombarded with this week which only rub it in?  How do others cope?

Thanks,

Alice

[BabeRuthless]

Alice: I don't really have coping tips... . sorry. Just here to commiserate for now. I tend to get sad and angry when Mother's Day approaches, and feel cheated. I remember seeing one of those commercials you mentioned: A loving, healthy, mature mother expresses to her adult child: "I want you to be proud of me. I want you to look up to me. I want you to be glad about who we are as a family." With my uBPD mother, I can say none of these. I remember weeping my heart out.

Am new to this site and to awareness of BPD, so hope to work with these feelings and that they will lessen, and give way to acceptance, over time. I wish you well and hope you find joy and pleasure in your own children this Mother's Day.

[Kwamina]

Hi Alice,

Mother's Day is a difficult day for many children of BPD parents, even the ones that don't spend it with their parents. I can really relate to what you mean with that it's kinda depressing this time of year. I haven't spend Mother's day with my own mother since 2010 and I particularly struggled last year. Everything on television about Mother's Day, seemed to trigger negative emotions and memories in me last year. So did all the people talking about what they were gonna do that day, some of whom asked me what I was going to do. This isn't the most enjoyable time of the year for me, but after my experiences in 2010 I think it's best not to go. I experienced a double full-blown Witch attack that year by my uBPD mom and uBPD sis and that's when I really had enough of their behavior. I still have contact with them, but I've changed certain things and Mother's Day is one of them. Better off alone than in bad company. But since you have your kids, you aren't completely alone  These aren't the most pleasant days for us, but from my own experiences I can tell that the slightly depressed mood usually lifts quite fast after Mother's Day has passed.

[AsianSon]

I know she/they are mentally ill, and mostly miserable people to be around, and I know that it's likely better for me mentally to be separated.  Still, it is kind of depressing this time of year.  I try to focus on my own kids, but how many commercials, songs, etc do we get bombarded with this week which only rub it in?  How do others cope?

Thanks,

Alice

Hi Alice,

Sorry, I am not a mother, but my wife and sister are, and we all deal with my BPDm.  

Perhaps you can focus on your kids and how they recognize you, and how you are worthy of all the positives in your life despite your BPDm.  The rest of the world (including your BPDm) should be tuned out.  The commercials are trying to sell something, and you can choose to ignore them.  

For full disclosure, I am actually visiting my BPDm and sister's family this Sunday.  I had an early Mother's Day with my wife and family last week.  I can already feel increasing tension and apprehension while I repeat "acceptance, acceptance" in my mind because I cannot control or change my BPDm.  Recognizing this, and letting her behaviors occur AND pass, is my method.  

Wishing you peace and strength,

A

[itsnotme]

This is also my first Mother's Day with NC. It has been getting easier the last few months and then this weekend came creeping up and now I also feel cheated out of that very special mother/daughter relationship that most pp seem to have.

I try to focus on my own children and break this crazy cycle.  There are times when I second guess myself on how my own relationships are with my kids. As all of us know a healthy, normal relationship does not exist when you have a BPD for a parent. So it's hard to always now what's "normal".

Sometimes I feel sorry for her. She's alone... one other child of hers went nc and the golden children live far away. But her illness is the kind that never goes away, never gets better and I think I have to look at this as a true loss. A loss of a mother and a relationship that never was.

The one thing that keeps me from letting go completely is the very few positive memories. The very few good times that might have had... . how the hell do I even know if my memories are true?

But there is one thing that I will be working towards. Enjoying my holiday and all other holidays to follow. Special occasions and holidays were always seen as a pain in the ass or wasn't done to her standards for most of them if not all were horrible.

Take the day and enjoy it for the Mother that you are.

[flowing]

Hi Alice- I'm in my third year of NC with my BPDm, and I've been in analysis for 5 years. Last year was the first year that I was able to (mostly) claim Mother's Day for myself and my relationship with my kids. The best way that I've found so far to claim the day is to make it about taking care of yourself, and letting people take care of you and celebrate you. It's taken me years to be able to do this, but it's worth it, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with it. I try to fill it with treats for myself - a nice, long bath with fancy bath stuff, asking for a special meal, going to a place that I love to go or where I feel peaceful and happy, going for a hike. It's kind of a chance to mother myself as I wish I'd been mothered. The sting of the old dynamic, where I'm the daughter, is still there a little bit, and I guess it probably always will be around Mother's Day. But when I feel it, I try to channel it into doing something that I love or that makes me feel better. And I spend a little while acknowledging that I got screwed over in the mothering dept, but now I get to choose better things for myself. Anyway, I hope that helps. Treat yo'self!

[alicein1derland]

Thank you all for your replies.  I agree with everyone who suggested to focus on my own children.  That is what I am trying to do.  Funny, my mil recognizes it for the "Hallmark holiday" it is, and I know that the ads, commercials, etc are just trying to sell something.  Still, they remind me that not only will I not be with her this year, but that (like others said) I never did/never will have a "normal" relationship with her.  Yes, certain holidays are hard - Christmas time, birthdays, Mother's Day. 

I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day tomorrow, and a collectively peaceful and enjoyable-enough day for all of us.  A, good luck with your visit!

Alice

[alicein1derland]

Also just saw this on another post about Mother's Day:

"Speaking from years of experience with this, mother's day is the ultimate BPD mother's dream, guilt, gifts and attention all legitimized by Hallmark."  -rebl.brown

Someone else wrote about spending tons of time reading through all the cards to find one that wasn't sappy with lots of things that weren't true.  I could really relate to that!

I just have to remind myself sometimes about the bad stuff, to help make the separation "make sense" to me.  As if any of this makes sense, ! 

Hoping for a nice day tomorrow, with my own family... .

Alice

[Sandcastle]

It's tough. I've been NC for 5 1/2 years, and it's still not easy. This past week I had to stop going to the grocery store, because of all the flowers and gifts. And then yesterday there was Facebook with tons of people sending good wishes and every one made me feel sad. There were a handful that recognized that not all of us have a happy day, and when I said so, I had support from my friends.

I went to visit my horse, who is a mom and grandma, so that helped me. No kids of my own and don't want any. Horse is plenty!

[StarStruck]

Perhaps a special day for ourselves from now on