Both BPD in a relationsh​ip? or is it only her or me?

[sirius]

My exGF and I were in a 12 year relationship (age gap of 11 years apart) and she broke up with me 2 months ago over a misunderstanding projected by her. I have reasoned with her but she refuses any evidence that i have presented. She is beautiful and have many male friends in secret (i was OK with the ones I know and found out many more after the break up that she did not tell me about it, suspected of cheating as well, I may be assuming things) and I am not allowed any female friends at all. I started researching into her behaviour and discovered PD and BPD.I read both the female and the male BPD write up on some website. I felt that she has the BPD traits except self hurting and I seems to also have male BPD traits and the things that is written on these pages. She controls everything in the relationship including money and etc... I have seek help from 2 theraphist since the break up. I have emailed her before going NC almost 3 weeks ago about this and she said I am the one that is sick in the head and she doesn't need any help. After the break, I was very miserable and trying to get up on my feet.

My question is, are we both BPD or only one of us is?

I love her very dearly and if she is BPD then there nothing I can do about it or can I? What should I do and what can I do?


Many thanks in advance

[55suns]

In my case, I was truly questioning what is wrong with me.  This was my second marriage and of course I was the common denominator.  I still question it.  But my therapist assures me on a constant basis that there is nothing wrong with me other than a savior complex and searching for the intimacy/love/affection I didn't receive as a child.  My point I guess is that the fact that are seeking therapy is a step in the right direction and work to see where you can improve.  It's hard though... . in my case we talk too much about my ex and too little about me .

[Exeter]

No one can diagnose here, and I am not qualified for certain, yet BPD's are therapy-resistant, they have to want to get help themselves of which the majority don't.  If you have openly sought help from multiple T's do you really feel you are BPD?

I would go through the symptoms of BPD and see if they fit you, you cannot count emotional dysregulation or being anxiety/scared at the moment, you're hurt because your relationship recently ended those feelings of questioning your emotions and being anxious, scared, and hurt are valid for a non-BPD person, you might be feeling depression symptoms at this time, I know I am however I am doing decent each day, focusing on trying to get better.

As far as what you can do, you need to decide what you want to do, if this is one isolated incident without more information its kind of hard to determine whether she has BPD or if you just said something really horrible, I have no idea.  Secret guy friends are not ok IMO, emotional infidelity of talking to other guys in person or online that passes the line of small talk chit chat into personal territories is cheating without physical cheating.  I think it really is ok to have a confidant of the opposite sex to speak to, as I do at work, yet the one at work is a 30 year married woman in her 50's, I'm 34 and have no interest in her sexually or destroying their marriage so I feel comfortable telling her anything that isn't too personal on the level of sexuality lets say as that is not really her business.  I don't know how others feel about this though, yet during the final few months of last year before I broke up with my exBPD I told her I was talking to a woman at work about this and my exBPD got so PO'd about it claiming I was doing emotional infidelity... . no I wasn't, I was trying to talk to someone about the situation without dishonoring you by telling them how dishonorable or disrespectful you've been to me and how you've helped to destroy multiple families and traumatize a lot of us in the process.