Bpd and unsafe sex

[Jb101]

Anybody else have the experience of discovering that their partner took huge risks with getting pregnant?

Mine several times let me think she was still on the pill, and told me later she wasn't. Like have mad sex all week and then out of nowhere 'I really should go back on the pill'... . we'd talk about it and she'd refuse to let us use condoms and say she was going back on the pill straight away etc. Which strangely enough caused more problems because she then got way more moody for the first month or two when she went on it...

It made for some interesting ups and downs because a few times I was worried she was acting out because of a possible pregnancy and hormones etc. During one breakup it was a huge stress that made it impossible to detach and not worry about it. Just looking back, I can think of 3 times in a year that it was a huge stress.

[1KitKat]

I'm in a slight different position... .   my exBPD didn't tell me that he had a STD; then when I found out, he didn't tell me when he was having episodes.  He hid all of his prescription purchases (except he was on my insurance plan, so I received a report every year-end).

Predictably and because he did not let me know when he was having flareups, I now have what he has. 

Yes, promiscuity (even within a monogamous relationship if you can call it that, but even OUTside of a monogamous relationship) seems to be part of the BPD recipe.  I'm sorry... .

[Jb101]

So sorry to hear that, must have been horrible to find out!

[Narellan]

My Bpd ex refused to wear condoms. He would rather not have sex than wear one. He said he only had been with one woman in 5 years and she was quality. He said he had great control, which was true for the most part, but in 4 months I had 3 chemist visits to get a morning after pill and a few pregnancy tests. He was paranoid about getting me pregnant but I think got off on the risk factor. He also wanted to have sex in places I thought were a bit risky , being seen etc but we still did it. Got caught once by a stranger, and almost once by his dad  whose back shed we had just had sex in. He loves danger. Very reckless. But I loved it too. The std thing worried me a lot though.

[55suns]

I'm pretty sure now my ex got pregnant on purpose.  We were ending it at the time and had a night or two where we relapsed in the bedroom.  She was on birth control but said it must have failed.  I now think she was reacting to the abandonment fear.  It worked, I married her and we stayed together for three more years.  I'm thankful though, my daughter is awesome!

[Violista]

Mine used to always complain that he wanted to have unsafe sex and use withdrawal. I told him that I didn't think it was a safe enough method of contraception. He said he had always used it with his previous girlfriends and had never gotten anyone pregnant and that I obviously "didn't trust him" to pull out. I told him that it wasn't him I didn't trust, it was the effectiveness of using that method and the fact that I'd read that pre-ejaculate may contain sperm... . but he would still bring up the "why don't you trust me" issue again.

One day we were having sex and I found he had taken the condom off halfway through and not told me. I was mortified. He was high when it happened and he later expressed a bit of regret, so I ended up letting it go, but I was still shocked and felt that my trust had been broken.

Eventually, after reading up a bit on withdrawal and finding out that the effectiveness of it wasn't much lower than condoms, and convinced by the fact that he'd never gotten anyone pregnant for many years, I gave in and we mostly stopped using condoms. I'm ashamed to admit that I gave into the pressure. I never got pregnant, and sex certainly felt better, but I tend to have long cycles and got tired of how nervous I would get whenever I was late. I had one period which inexplicably came three weeks late, and I was freaking out quite badly. He started to get worried too, but I thought it was insensitive how he started making jokes about punching me in the stomach to cause an abortion. He said it was just a joke, but it didn't exactly seem appropriate. He also started saying things like "if you're pregnant, it's not mine, I pulled out". I don't think he was serious because I could see he was really starting to worry too, but I did start being a bit afraid that if it did happen, he would deny it was his.

[Narellan]

My ex was very similar. He told me he always pulled out and hadn't cum inside a woman for decades. However a few times he did, with my permission and hence the chemist visits. But neither of us wanted a pregnancy. I've had my family and he doesn't want one. Never did. I think it added to the excitement, the risk involved. He did have awesome control. Sometimes didn't cum at all. And the sex was always hours and hours. No such thing as a quickie unless we were in a public(ish) place. I think we were both addicted to the sex. The chemistry was unbelievable. We both said never experienced that before, but then he probably says that to everyone.  for me I was 100% truthful. Best lover I've ever had.

[Jb101]

The strange reactions or feelings they have about it are a bit of a common theme I think. The first time I thought she might be pregnant, she refused to take a pregnancy test until after an argument with me saying it wasn't fair to just leave me worrying about it... . and then she said 'who f###ing cares, I've drunk and smoked so much this week it's dead by now if I am pregnant anyway'... . can't believe I stayed with somebody who could say that. Now she really wants one to please her mother... .

A friend of hers, just before the final breakup said to her 'yeah, have some kids with him, let him buy a house and then divorce him in a couple of years' she couldn't understand why I was shocked to hear this!

[blissful_camper]

When my ex and I discussed becoming romantically involved, I requested that he get tested.  While he claimed to have only been with 6 women (I now have doubts about that number), I just didn't want to take a chance.  He had health insurance but refused to go to a private doc, said he looked into a county clinic for testing, and ultimately didn't get tested.  Having been married for a decade, he said he was safe.  I stupidly believed him.  When our r/s ended, he hooked up with a young woman more than half his age who is promiscuous.

Had I known what I know about him now, I would have insisted he get tested.  I never caught anything from him, but it sure taught me an important lesson.  I will have safe sex with any future partners, and they can show me clean papers in addition to providing their own condoms. It's that or they can find someone else to sleep with.    

[BorisAcusio]

I'm in a slight different position... .   my exBPD didn't tell me that he had a STD; then when I found out, he didn't tell me when he was having episodes.  He hid all of his prescription purchases (except he was on my insurance plan, so I received a report every year-end).

Predictably and because he did not let me know when he was having flareups, I now have what he has. 

Yes, promiscuity (even within a monogamous relationship if you can call it that, but even OUTside of a monogamous relationship) seems to be part of the BPD recipe.  I'm sorry... .

Same here with the difference that I was the one who had STD. I warned her BEFORE we got romantically involved but she didn't really seemed to care. I made every safety precautions, told her about the outbrakes and when to avoid it alltogether, but after a while, the condom teared several times and we started to have unprotected sex.

She didn't even bother to get tested. Having unprotected sex with her ex-husband, her paramour and god knows how many people. Don't warn them about the possibility that she may has a lifetime STD.

[2010]

Try to put yourself in the position of a person who has no sense of self. Basically that means that there is no self protection, no self preservation, no real boundaries between yourself and the person she is trying to become = to attach- i.e, to YOU. This is a fantasy desire of comingling together until there is one. That ONE is forever in the mind of the BPD until a trigger point, and it cannot be sustained because it is a fantasy. not a reality.

According to a person with BPD, the personage (the intellect) that makes the decisions is YOU- everything else is feeling to the BPD partner. Everything intellectual is now left up to <<you>> to set limitations- from pregnancy prevention to protection from STD's- that is YOUR job, because the person you are sleeping with does not have a sense of responsibility to self, nor do they have an idea of reference outside of the enmeshment.

What they do have is a sense of value as an offering to you- this is the push that desperately overlooks any sense of safety and responsibility for sexual protection.

So consider this an epic lesson about boundaries. This person is not you. They have no reason to place restrictions on (you) because this desire to be with you is about attachment so that they don't have to be alone. You provide that part time self in order for them to attach to become whole.

Do what you want, but understand that whatever you do (in fantasy) will foster persecution and blame, so if you decide to follow through about unprotected sex -it will be turned around on you because this is part and parcel of the failure to be. When you begin to ask questions (really a projection of yourself onto them at this point) or place boundaries against complete enmeshment, this completely eviscerates the idea of reference concerning "wholeness " and makes you an insecure prospect (a part-time bad) that persecutes for the failure to be (the failure to separate/individuate from the primary object. That's shameful to a person with BPD because they are expecting you to tell them what to do. You see, some people with BPD have bondage compulsions, and that means unprotected sex because they think their partners demand it. Alas, that's a no-win situation either way you view the power dynamic. Either way, this is an unequal partnership.

In other words, you are dealing with a person who cannot exercise the free will to create a stand alone self. One that says... . hey, I'm going to use a condom and I don't care what you think.

This is about arrested development. The disorder demands a part time good to move toward and then creates a part time bad to escape from.

According to a person with BPD:

You had to put boundaries in place. (Bad)

There was no other way out of this. You had to be the voice of reason. (Bad)

You had to be the adult. (Bad)

You had to say NO. (Bad)

yet this is GOOD for you.

You have to detach. (BETTER)

You have to let go. (BEST)

If you don't, then you can continue this as a compulsion. Hopefully you will figure out who this person reminds you of in your family of origin before you end up with an STD or an unwanted pregnancy.

I hope that make sense. Good luck.

[1KitKat]

FABULOUS, 2010.  Well written, well expressed.

Too late for me on that front; what resonates is that I had to set the boundaries, ask the questions and be the decision-maker.  Sometimes I was running blind (see previous post) and I totally get the bondage/co-mingling explanation.

There was never an argument unless I precipitated one out of curiosity as to how he would react (would he engage, please?  or walk away?).  Once I became REALLY unhappy with the sequence of events, he retreated, became hostile and just went away, telling me he no longer loved me.

This is where we are at right now, and he seems to have arrested at about the age of 15-16.  This makes me feel sorry for him, but I am at the point now where I can have empathy for him but still move along.  I am so, so grateful for that and so, so grateful for having found this support forum.  I have clarity, I have sympathy, and I can see straight (gr).

Thank you all; thank you, thank you.  Feeling absolutely GRATEFUL.  Sorry to be mushy, but I've been stuck in this trap for so long!  This epic lesson is learned, whether or not I ever have another romantic relationship again.  This part of my contract is learned and done.

[BorisAcusio]

This is where we are at right now, and he seems to have arrested at about the age of 15-16.  This makes me feel sorry for him, but I am at the point now where I can have empathy for him but still move along.  I am so, so grateful for that and so, so grateful for having found this support forum.  I have clarity, I have sympathy, and I can see straight (gr).

My uBPDex seemed a rioting teenager first, hence she was close 40. At the beggining, this immature, boundariless fun was quite attractive, combined with the porn star quility sex. Unfortunately, on some fundamental level, they arrested development at a much earlier age, around 3.

[Lion Fire]

Tell me about it!

We "spoke" about safe sex a few times but 95% of the time we had unsafe sex. I was irresponsible, caught up in the giddy fantasy world we were in. True soul mates, we are one etc... .

She would insist on me "completing" inside her and would spiral into hysterical reactions if I did not or was not able to. Sex became a fraught white knuckle ride. Over time, as red flags became undeniable, I became more cautious and restrained. With this, she became more intense and forceful which made me withdraw more. Sex was the trigger that started her insane disordered behaviour that effectively destroyed our relationship and battered us both. There were definitely warped sex ideals in this relationship and I was very much part of it at least for the initial fantasy phase.

there were several pregnancy scares too... . how she never fell pregnant can only be an act of God!

Thank God 

[Turkish]

Like 2010 said, no boundaries. Mine used the pill for a while with the first love of her life, then it caused problems. She stopped. Wanted desperately to get pregnant by him. After months, it never took. He cheated on and left her. Came back to use her, again, no condoms. She got an std from him. He left again. The in between was a guy who cat called her out on the street. No protection. No pregnancy. She dumped him after a few months (he sounded NPD from the stories she told). After being a hermit for almost a year, we met. When we got together the first time,.she didn't want me to use a condom. I just pulled out for a long time until she.got on bc again. That caused problems she blamed on me (repeating the script from the first bf, even though the result was the same). Fast forward past the only recycle. We got engaged, and I think the first time we had unprotectex sex she got pregnant with S4 (so much for those other guys)... after D2 was 6 months, I offered to get fixed. She was oddly insistent that she was the one who needed to get fixed,."so I don't have to go through that again!" In retrospect,.this was the was probably when she started her abandonment script,.though I thought it was to make it harder for me to cheat. Now she's gone, having all the unprotected sex with a college guy who she said was already sleeping around. She'all probalbly end up with something again. She didn't learn a thing,.even though the last time she went through a lot of pain and anguish getting her cervix scraped due to HPV.