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Experts share their discoveries [video]
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
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Author Topic: Im back. Ashamed, I knew better.  (Read 1261 times)
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Posts: 327

« on: May 22, 2014, 02:54:18 AM »

I joined here in 2011 after being involved with a uBPD woman for 18 months.  She devalued me and dumped me, and cut me off shortly after we were engaged.  She is STILL with the "new" guy three years later. Go figure?  Anyway, after that relationship I learned a lot here, it was like a light bulb went off.  I dont want to rehash that relationship, but I made some serious progress in understanding BPD behavior patterns and how to read the red flags and apply it to the future.

Armed with this knowledge, I eventually started dating again 10 months later.  A friend introduced me to a mutaul friend.  She was 28 and single.  I met her in person in a group hangout, gorgeous girl.  I was in trouble from the get go.  We bantered back and forth through email for about a month after that, and then eventually we met up for our first date.  As the night progressed, I began to ask her questions that I tried to veil as innocent, but were really gonna be "indicators" on whether or not she was emotionally healthy.

I asked her, "Hows your family?" What are they like?"  She began to tell me about how her Mom had multiple affairs, cheated her Dad out of the house and everything in it, then used the money to buy herself all kinds of plastic surgery.  She told me her mother isnt talking to her her grandmother after her mom sued the grandmother in court over a substantial amount of money.  She said her relationship with her Dad was great, he had a son in another relationship afterwards, but doesnt see him.  She has one sister who had a child in highschool, 12 years ago and who now just dates multiple men at a time for what she can get from them. Another sister, who is a gold digger like her mom.  And a brother who is a struggling addict.  She was the normal one. RED FLAG?

I gulped.  I asked her, "Your mom sounds terrible.  :)o you have a relationship with her?"  She said she cut her out of her life for seven years. RED FLAG?

I asked her about her past relationships.  She said she just got out a relationship with a guy who abused her, the guy before that she was on and off with for 8 years.  RED FLAG?

So knowing what I knew about BPD, theres were some pretty good indicators I should have just got up and walked away.  I didnt have the energy to "rescue" another pretty face.  But I didnt.  I rationalized it in my mind that EVERYBODY is damaged, including myself and I would give her a shot.  She had a great recommendation from our mutual friend.

We hung out that night for another few hours.  Everything was going great.  But then she got weird.  Flipped a switch.  Nothing I said was funny anymore.  I made the call to end the date.  She made some pretty rude comments, I just wanted out of there.  I dropped her off, and figured we were done.  3 days later she emails me telling me she had a great time, asking if I was okay and why haven't I spoke to her?  I was confused.  I said I figured she lost interest, she said that I was misreading her and that she had a great time.  She said that I misinterpreted her comments and that she was just joking.  GASLIGHTING?  RED FLAG?

So what does this rescuer and glutton for punishment do?  Go a second date.

We dated for 26 months, and were engaged.   We just broke up about 3 months ago.  She kicked me out of our apartment.  Of course I proposed, why?  Because I thought she was the one... . again.

During our relationship, she raged at me in public in public and privately.  Gaslighting all day long.  Her family issues, my God... . over the course of the relationship, Ive been blocked or deleted on facebook by every one of her sisters.  I can say that before this relationship, Ive never been invited... . actually demanded to attend a "going off to jail" party for her brother.  He was sentenced for 10 days.   I didnt go because I had to work.  I was given the silent treatment for several days.

The crying, the drama, the anger, the paranoia.   The whole time she insists that everybody, I mean, everybody is out to get her.  She thinks her family treats her like a black sheep because she is "the good one".  Her boss and employees are after her.  Every week she had some government conspiracy theory.  Our limited closet space, by the time I was kicked out was filled with bottled water, rations, and survival equipment.

(Forgive me, this paragraph is ridiculous)  One morning before work, I stepped out of the shower and opened the door.  She was standing there in tears and raged at me, "I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN THERE!"  Blindsided and in shock, I asked her what?  She said, ":)ONT EVER DO THAT IN MY HOUSE"  I asked, what?  She said, "MASTURBATE!"  I asked her what the hell she was talking about, I was going to the bathroom and taking a shower.  She didnt believe me.  I was.  I asked her why she would think I was masturbating in the shower?  She said she looked under the door and saw my feet moving.  I lost it.  I told her she is crazy, all I was doing was getting ready for work, and what kind of nut job looks under the bathroom door?  I threw on my clothes and left.  She yelled that if I leave to never come back.  I didnt.  I went to my Moms house.

Three days later she called and asked me to come home. I told her she needs therapy.  She said she already signed up and and is seeing a Therapist in a few days.  What?  So eventually I gave in and came home.  She went to "therapy" for 2 sessions... . as far as I know.

We had good times.  I loved her.  People were always saying what a great couple we were.  She just never could be satisfied.  No amount of love, money, time, would make her happy.  I knew what I had on my hands here, it was like a acting out a bad rerun... . but I was so enmeshed in the fog, I didnt want to believe it.

In march, she threw me out over an argument about me leaving a job for another one that I had lined up.  Actually, I was working two jobs and decided to drop the higher paying one that I hated in order to do the lower paying one that I liked a lot more.  Shes always told me that she would dump me if I decided to further my education in grad school, or if I got a job offer elsewhere.  She said she doesnt do long distance.  

After the break up, or "break" she needed, she called me and asked me why I didnt fight for her.  I told her that I wasnt gonna beg for her, either she wanted to be with me or not.  We talked and she agreed to try and slow things down and work things out.  I offered to pay my half of the rent while I lived at my Moms, till we figure out what we are going to do. She was very concerned about that.   Over the next few weeks we talked pretty regularly, but I noticed a few things.  One, she was working out like crazy.  Two, she took all the pictures down of us in the apartment.  Three, she changed all sheets and towels.  Finally, she was "busy" with family on the weekends... . the only time we could see each other.  

The beginning of the month of may was coming up and I decided to see what would happen if I didnt pay rent.  She started picking ridiculous fights, not answering her phone when I called at the agreed upon time... . the next day she said, "I didnt see you called, I slept by my phone all night waiting for it"  I said, Uh huh.   So I think you see where this is going.  I have no concrete "proof" but my gut was saying something fishy was going on.  Non emotional, I ended it diplomatically, saying we were just different.  She was very agreeable, was very business like, and had the rest of my things lined up by the door for me to pick up.  I gave her all my furniture, as I felt bad taking it since I was all she had.   She has made no attempt to contact me... . and Ive been NC for 14 days now.  The mutual friend that introduced us is furious with me and wont speak to me.

So here I am again.  I wasnt perfect, but I was committed.  With every fight, I tried my best to work it out with her after things cooled off.  I couldnt do enough though, and Im the bad guy again.  Part of me is glad for the peace... . especially to be away from that toxic family, but Im sad.  Said because of the good times, but even more sad that I KNEW better, I followed my heart anyway.  

I seriously beginning to think its me.  
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 53

« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2014, 05:49:08 AM »

Hey huh? So i know you could tell there was red flags and that you are a rescuer but if there is anything i learned that is we are attracted on a sub level to people who are our own emotional level you said you were damaged have you got help to fully heal your wounds and how we react in r/s is learned behavior from our parents was one of yours verry tollerent and put up with alot of crap? Start healing yourself these BPDs dont cause the damage it is there the whole time they just reopen the wound and rub salt on it it took me 2 times of being rexycled and a damn good t to help me understand and here is a quote from marry oliver that made me realize what these r/s are about "someone i loved once gave me a box of darkness it took me years to realize this too was a gift"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8528

« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2014, 07:15:30 AM »

She has made no attempt to contact me... . and Ive been NC for 14 days now.  The mutual friend that introduced us is furious with me and wont speak to me.

So here I am again.  I wasnt perfect, but I was committed.  With every fight, I tried my best to work it out with her after things cooled off.  I couldnt do enough though, and Im the bad guy again.  Part of me is glad for the peace... . especially to be away from that toxic family, but Im sad.  Said because of the good times, but even more sad that I KNEW better, I followed my heart anyway.  

I might suggest that you post some on the staying board - take in some of the tools.  This may not be over.  I wish every member the goes back into a relationship would learn the skills - they really help.

Sorry this has happened.

I seriously beginning to think its me.  

Before you go down this path (plenty of time for it) - do you know if you want to be done with this or is  this conflict on steroids and a lot of hurt, right now?


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