Deceased grandparents accused of abuse now

[hopeangel]

I am hoping someone can help me handle this situation without me bringing on a crisis in dd as, fortunately I have advance notice of what she may say next and I know it will trigger me and cause me to suffer and mishandle her!

I am fairly good at handling my dd now and usually scuff through the bad encounters with relatively little damage done to either of us, I am relying on empathy for her suffering and validation (of what i can validate) also I am working hard on boundaries and that is going well most times.  The good times are good and the bad horrible but I always get an apology now and a truthful explanation of why she felt that way at that time so things are generally as ok as they can be.

I am feeling very afraid right now because I lost my parents close together a few years ago and then dd had her first mental breakdown which ultimately led to her diagnosis, although she had been extreme in emotion since birth, anyway my mum and dad were both VERY kind and patient with her, even though she was evidently different and more difficult in nature than my son, my mum used to sit for hours harnessing her creative abilities and when I collected her after work beautiful art and craftwork would be presented to me!

I mention these things to show how much time and effort my parents put into their grandparent role, they were exceptional and I miss them horribly - I still cry many times when I think of the loss of them especially in the face of dd's problems, I know they would have been a HUGE support and their deaths triggered my dd's ultimate meltdown and full-blown illness! 

My problem now is this, last night dd called to tell me her recent depression had left her (I was obviously very relieved) and she said i had helped her a lot by still loving her all the time even though she had been lashing out and thinking nasty things about me, this is nothing unusual, I told her although I don't LIKE the behaviour and it causes us pain, I do UNDERSTAND the illness she feels that causes the lashing out and I am very proud of her progress and ability to apologise and I will always love HER if not the behaviour.

Anyway all was well and a nice conversation was had but then she stated 'I AM better now but been having bad thoughts about the past that make me cry - they are horrific!'  Well I expected the worst, she recently thought her real dad had dislocated her wrists and that is why her joints 'click' - she has never had a dislocated anything, EVER and he was never physically abusive. Anyway I asked who this was about now and she wouldn't say because 'the neighbours have my flat bugged and can hear me'  OK im used to that one so I said we will talk about it when I see her at weekend (ie today or tomorrow!) I wanted to be prepared so I asked her if it was about her real dad, she said no, I then felt cold and asked is it about her grandparents and she said 'yes and its horrific and I have been crying and crying!' so I said we would have a good talk this weekend.

How can I handle this? 

I do not want to trigger dd by saying she is making it up, to her it will be true right now! Only last week she was convinced I had dressed her in rags as a child and yet lavished money on myself, also as I referred to earlier she sometimes thinks her real dad dislocated her wrists, and much as I dislike him, he NEVER laid a finger on her and her DID love her before he went off to france with his new family and didn't see her anymore.

I am aware that these accusations come from the pain caused by abandonment issues - father left her which hurt her therefore it manifests in her mind as physical abuse, myself as young single parent working to pay the bills equals abandonment therefore neglect, beloved grandparents died therefore abandoned her too, causing pain and suffering to her equals horrific abuse.

But I CANNOT hear her say these things about them - how will I find the strength?  She said similar things about them before - just after they died she said my mum had poisoned her all her life with 'white powder' in her drinks and food (and I had gone along with this she knew!) and my dad had sexually abused her but she stopped thinking these after a few weeks much to my relief also she was VERY ill back then!

Please help me find some courage to deal with this effectively I am finding this one thing the hardest, I am missing my parents and I am so unhappy to know their names are going to be dragged through the mud again now! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama62]

hopeangel,

I admire your patience for hanging in there when your daughter was accusing your ex of physical abuse. I understand your feelings now that her attention is on grandparents. Although I am unable to give advice on current situation I must say I admire you for the way you seem to have handled her in the past and  I am sure no matter how tough this may seem that you will find a way.

I myself am hopeless at situations like this and am still learning. I get defensive and angry when dd rewrites the past but it is early days for me and I am learning and getting hope from other people on these boards. I hope things are not as bad for you as you think they may be. Hang in there.

[LAHdedah]

I suppose this will be small comfort but remember your parents are in a place where nothing your DD can do will hurt them.  DD may desecrate their memory but, DD can't hurt them.  You are the one she is trying to hurt by destroying your happy memories.  Anyone who knew your parents likely knows your DD as well.  They may not understand the disease but probably know that DD has some issues.  ":)eath is a heartache no one can heal, love is a memory no one can steal."

Sorry for your pain. 

[lever.]

Hello hopeangel.

It sounds to me that your DD is very unwell with depression at present. She may be experiencing genuine delusions.

When my DD was very depressed she had transient psychotic episodes which cleared up when the depression was treated.

Although it is upsetting to hear your parents spoken of in this way I think it is clear that this is the illness talking.

When your DD is better I think there is a strong likelihood that she will recognize that these ideas are mistaken.

In the meantime I wouldn't attempt to argue her out of it.

I think I would acknowledge what she has said and validate how upsetting it must be to be thinking that way.

Perhaps reminisce with her about the good times she had with her grandparents.

She sounds ill to me, hopeangel and if she allows you to communicate with her mental health worker I would be sharing this.

She may be saying that her mood is slightly better today but  from my experience this sort of thing has happened when my DD has been clinically depressed.

Try to emotionally detach.

A psychologist once wrote a report about my DD saying her grandparents were "pure evil" and her father was violent.

He can be bad tempered and stubborn but has never raised a hand to anyone. I was especially hurt about the comment about my parents - but then realised it was all so much rubbish and just how she felt at that time.

[hopeangel]

Mama62 - thank you so much for the vote of confidence that is exactly what I needed! Also please don't put yourself down! You too will learn the skills you need - it was not so long ago I was in your place, the only way out of this is through it, I just learn and learn all I can until I found some coping skills, if I can do it you can too! What you can't alter you have to except but some of it you CAN alter some of the time! I once read 'what you resist persists' so acceptance is the only way forward, especially in the case of BPD!

LAHdedah - thank you those kind words DO comfort me and give me strength, you are right of course this is not aimed to hurt my parents and they will not be hurt!

Lever - thank you for your wise advice, I am going to see dd now! I am going to bear in mind that she is so unwell and it is the illness that is so cruel not dd herself! Thank you, I can find some acceptance now!

Thank you all for helping me find my inner balance before I go and do this!