My ex's texts are triggering

[BacknthSaddle]

Last night, my ex contacted me. She has been texting recently and I have been responding, but not initiating. Trying to leave emotion out of it. She texts saying "I'm all f***ed up tonight." I make the mistake of asking why, and she tells me because she misses another one of her exes and she "doesn't know what the f*** happened with him."

Sadly I let emotion get the best of me and said this talk was upsetting to me. She then said that I can't have a conversation without "bringing up our relationship," called me nuts and crazy a few times, and that was the end. This morning she wrote to say that she "can't be friends with someone like me."

This is fortunate, as I don't want to be friends and really do want to commit to NC for my own sanity. The issue is that after these conversations I really do feel crazy. I do t want to contact her and am glad to have the space, but I can't stop asking myself am I crazy, am I being totally irrational and unreasonable, etc.

I want some freedom from these thoughts. I guess if I am being irrational, I want to confront that too. I want to reach out to the community for thoughts and ideas on this.

[willy45]

Welcome to the club! My ex does the same exact thing. And I do the exact same thing. She contacts me. I usually don't reply but sometimes I do. We talk and she tells me how wonderful I am and how much she misses me and how she absolutely does not want to talk about the relationship. Then she launches into how miserable she was with me and says really hurtful things. And then tells me not tobring up the relationship. It is called gaslighting and it is part of the abuse cycle.

[willy45]

And no. You aren't going crazy. The cycle is crazy. It is impossible to understand the inner workings of a crazy person. Would you ever even consider calling her to tell her how much you miss a former ex? That is insane, cruel, disrespectful and demeaning. And then to get angry at you for having feelings about it? That is nuts. Cut her out of your life. She WILL make you crazy if you keep engaging in this.

[Infared]

My ex pwBPD ran off with another guy who she had been cheating on me with during our live-in 5-year relationship. I had no clue, she was extremely deceptive.

I worked REALLY hard at NC... . but during the first year there were a few times that I caved in and BOY did I pay for it. The level of ego & psychotic self-centeredness was off the charts.  We had a conversation at some point where she expected me to be the caring supportive person I had been in our relationship while she is telling me about the problems she is having with the guy she abandoned me for?... . with no awareness that this might be inappropriate or hurtful to me. Can someone REALLY be THAT self involved?... . at the time, like most here, I was so full of anguish and missed who I "thought" she was that I just could not sort out how totally cruel and self-centered she was.  My head knew... . but my heart was a mess.   Years later, (now), if I see her I simply walk to the other side of the street and just take care of me. Natural reflex... . but back then I was very wounded, in a lot of pain and could not totally take care of myself or see the situation clearly.  It takes time to sort it out Backin.   I think it is really important to maintain NC and not to date anyone. Just get any support that you can, heal and get your life back in order. Just you... . your life. Not easy stuff, but the work pays off. She is very sick abusive and self involved. Everything is about her and on her terms... . try to really focus on that.  See the NOW... (which I think you are)... . it makes it easier to move away from that, even with your heart wanting and missing what you thought you had in the past.  It is a twisted place to be... . but it gets better if you do not engage in anyway with the pwBPD.  Not easy but you can do this for love of YOU!

[BacknthSaddle]

Thank you both for your replies.  They are very helpful, and very grounding.  Willy, hearing your words, which constantly play in my head but are in conflict with other words about how maybe I'm misreading things etc, helps tremendously.  Infrared, I also had the experience, a couple months out, of her "expecting me to be the caring supportive person I had been in our relationship while she is telling me about the problems she is having with the guy she abandoned me for."   In fact, she texted me to tell me that she had broken down crying "for now reason" at this guy's house and that "he'll probably break up with me now because I'm crazy."  I mentioned that that had happened with others including me who hadn't broken up with her, and I got the same "I can never confide in you, stop bringing up our relationship" response.  Of course a month later she dumped that guy after he told her he "wanted her to have his babies."  Poor guy; roped in then cut loose.

In the midst of the texts I described in the beginning, she said to me that by mentioning that we had been involved I was "pushing her away."  She said this several times.  The rational part of me is fully aware that this is just projection, but still I hear that nagging voice saying "Am I being unreasonable somehow?  Would other people be adjusting to this better and does it mean that I'm crazy that I'm not?  Am I just "obsessive" or "a p***y" as she has said before? Am I crazy?  I know in my mind it's nonsense, but like you said Infrared, my heart is a mess and its driving this stuff.   

[Infared]

Thank you both for your replies.  They are very helpful, and very grounding.  Willy, hearing your words, which constantly play in my head but are in conflict with other words about how maybe I'm misreading things etc, helps tremendously.  Infrared, I also had the experience, a couple months out, of her "expecting me to be the caring supportive person I had been in our relationship while she is telling me about the problems she is having with the guy she abandoned me for."   In fact, she texted me to tell me that she had broken down crying "for now reason" at this guy's house and that "he'll probably break up with me now because I'm crazy."  I mentioned that that had happened with others including me who hadn't broken up with her, and I got the same "I can never confide in you, stop bringing up our relationship" response.  Of course a month later she dumped that guy after he told her he "wanted her to have his babies."  Poor guy; roped in then cut loose.

In the midst of the texts I described in the beginning, she said to me that by mentioning that we had been involved I was "pushing her away."  She said this several times.  The rational part of me is fully aware that this is just projection, but still I hear that nagging voice saying "Am I being unreasonable somehow?  Would other people be adjusting to this better and does it mean that I'm crazy that I'm not?  Am I just "obsessive" or "a p***y" as she has said before? Am I crazy?  I know in my mind it's nonsense, but like you said Infrared, my heart is a mess and its driving this stuff.   

I know, I know! You keep questioning yourself, your values, your sanity! I think for me is that I had invested so much into the person mirroring me. She was always so great and caring  (I guess too much so), and that is the person that my heart fell in love with.  She was my soulmate! (But not real I guess?)... . then within a few days (after living together for 5 years), she shows me who she really is and I was just sitting there thinking "this does not compute!"

At first I could not wrap my head or my heart around it. I was in TOTAL emotional SHOCK. Never experienced anything like it.  I have had break ups and eventually became friendly with exes before, etc... . But this was waaaay different I did not know the person in front of me. She was completely disconnected from us, mean and just not present with me any longer.

What I did not know then (I did not know what BPD was), but I do know now is that she is mentally ill.  I try to have some compassion for that... . but after what I went thru (years ago), I still will go to the other side of the street if I see her coming.  The trauma was soo bad for me that I still have to TOTALLY protect myself.  In my heart I wish her well but I cannot engage in anyway.  Call me too sensitive or whatever... . But I need to protect myself, still! Don't know if that is "normal" for a BPD-survivor?

[BorisAcusio]

"expecting me to be the caring supportive person I had been in our relationship while she is telling me about the problems she is having with the guy she abandoned me for." 

":)eficits in self-soothing in the face of tremendous pain and the consequently desperate

ways patients with BPD may try to enlist others to help them avoid feeling empty, alone, or“fragmented” (i.e., feeling like they are “falling apart”."

[BacknthSaddle]

":)eficits in self-soothing in the face of tremendous pain and the consequently desperate

ways patients with BPD may try to enlist others to help them avoid feeling empty, alone, or“fragmented” (i.e., feeling like they are “falling apart”)."

Thank you for this. Very clear. Why am I the "other" being enlisted?

[heartandwhole]

Hi BackntheSaddle,

It's tough to stay balanced amidst this kind of contact, I'm sorry you are feeling like you are being unreasonable.  I don't think feeling upset by this is unreasonable at all.  I would feel the same.

It sounds like your ex was feeling insecure about her relationship and wanted to be soothed, so she reached out to you.  Remember that a pwBPD doesn't see things the way we do, so applying your logic to her behavior won't work.  

What might have been the healthiest response, for you, to her original text?  Is there something about this communication that is helping you heal?

[BorisAcusio]

":)eficits in self-soothing in the face of tremendous pain and the consequently desperate

ways patients with BPD may try to enlist others to help them avoid feeling empty, alone, or“fragmented” (i.e., feeling like they are “falling apart”)."

Thank you for this. Very clear. Why am I the "other" being enlisted?

Some objects are more rewarding than others. You can be sure about that she is using other ones paralel to you for this purpose so don't feel any special about it. The disorder gives equal chances to anyone. 

[BorisAcusio]

"BPD is also associated with a lower capacity for emotional investment in relationships (i.e., a tendency to focus on the gratification, security, or benefits others provide) and in values and moral standards (e.g.,poorly integrated standards for the self, failure to internalize and integrate value systems)"

They won't be able to reel you into their dysfunctional dance once you understand how they function on fundemental level. I'm going through the same situation right now, I choose not to respond or participate in any form. I expect some extenction burst down the road from her, she already sent two messages in the last week. There is absolutely no hope of a reciprocal adult relationship.

[BacknthSaddle]

What might have been the healthiest response, for you, to her original text?  Is there something about this communication that is helping you heal?

For sure there is nothing about it that is helping me heal, but I can definitely give some thoughts on why I responded as I did.

1) I was hoping she would say she missed me (need for validation). More generally, I like any attention from her, because she is quite attractive and can get attention from virtually any man, so getting attention from her feeds my narcissism (even though, as Boris said, I know it is not unique to me).

2) I like that she reaches out to me to soothe her, as it validates my fixer/savior complex, and I am weirdly honored to be the one to save her.

3) it was 11:30 on Friday night and I was drunk and missing her.

I am aware of at least these things and the pathology underlying them. The knowledge is helpful, but in and of itself is not liberating.

[BorisAcusio]

What might have been the healthiest response, for you, to her original text?  Is there something about this communication that is helping you heal?

For sure there is nothing about it that is helping me heal, but I can definitely give some thoughts on why I responded as I did.

1) I was hoping she would say she missed me (need for validation). More generally, I like any attention from her, because she is quite attractive and can get attention from virtually any man, so getting attention from her feeds my narcissism (even though, as Boris said, I know it is not unique to me).

2) I like that she reaches out to me to soothe her, as it validates my fixer/savior complex, and I am weirdly honored to be the one to save her.

3) it was 11:30 on Friday night and I was drunk and missing her.

I am aware of at least these things and the pathology underlying them. The knowledge is helpful, but in and of itself is not liberating.

Knowing and embracing the truth it is two different thing. I see absolutely no validation about being used in a need-gratyfing way. Even if it comes from a drop dead gorgeous one.

[LettingGo14]

When my brain is delirious, as if I had some sort of malaria infection, I start noticing psychic mosquitoes biting me -- which, in my case, are thoughts of my ex-girlfriend, or things that she said, or things that we did, or hopes that were dashed.    While I don't have similar contact anymore with my ex-girlfriend, such texts seem to me to be similar to toxic mosquito bites.  

We could spend the rest of our lives trying to kill all mosquitoes.   Which, unfortunately, is impossible.   Or, we could drain the swamp, create boundaries for ourselves, and detach.   The last such message I got from my ex-girlfriend was "miss you" at 2 a.m. on a Saturday night.  It wasn't about me -- it was all about her.

Bite. Ouch. Blood.

When she moved on to a replacement, I drained the swamp.

[BacknthSaddle]

Knowing and embracing the truth it is two different thing. I see absolutely no validation about being used in a need-gratyfing way. Even if it comes from a drop dead gorgeous one.

I agree with you 100%. I know I am not at the point of embracing yet, and I know I need to get there. Thank you for your replies; they have helped me to avoid initiating contact today.

As an aside, I am saddened that "drop-dead gorgeous" seems to be so validating and important to me. Something I need to work on in therapy.

[BacknthSaddle]

As you've all been tremendously helpful, let me add one more BPD-survivor platitude for your thoughts. Apropos of Boris' point, while I know it inside, I have not embraced the fact that most if not all her relationships are predicated on need-based gratification.  Still, deep down, I worry that she'll have a healthy relationship with someone else, that I was just a tool and that others truly matter. I wish I could embrace these truths. But it takes time I suppose.

[Infared]

What might have been the healthiest response, for you, to her original text?  Is there something about this communication that is helping you heal?

For sure there is nothing about it that is helping me heal, but I can definitely give some thoughts on why I responded as I did.

1) I was hoping she would say she missed me (need for validation). More generally, I like any attention from her, because she is quite attractive and can get attention from virtually any man, so getting attention from her feeds my narcissism (even though, as Boris said, I know it is not unique to me).

2) I like that she reaches out to me to soothe her, as it validates my fixer/savior complex, and I am weirdly honored to be the one to save her.

3) it was 11:30 on Friday night and I was drunk and missing her.

I am aware of at least these things and the pathology underlying them. The knowledge is helpful, but in and of itself is not liberating.

Back in... . just keep being this honest and self-aware... . keep that up and the NC... . take care of you!   ... . you will be feeling totally selfish doing that, but just keep moving forward away from the sickness toward the light... . you will heal and grow!

[willy45]

Dude. Don't listen to her words. Listen to mine instead. You aren't being a p#ssy. You aren't 'pushing her away'. That is a load of crap. She is using you. And she doesn't care if it hurts you. She is lashing out at you because that is what someone does when they have no power. You have all the power and she knows that. So she is f#cking with you by being cruel and praying on your insecurities and kindness. F that. You deserve better. The only way out is out. She can have no power over you unless you give it to her.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks willy.  I know you are right on the money.  Thanks to all of you.  You know, I was thinking back today to a time when she was going through a particularly hard emotional time due to some family issues.  A few weeks into that she "confessed" to me that she had been using Vicodin several times a day to dull the pain.  I suppose that is the epitome of an inability to self-soothe.  I wish I had seen it that way at the time, but of course, that just sent my savior/fixer issues into overdrive.