Interpreting an email

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD ex and I have not had face-to-face or phone contact for 1-1/2 years. I closed the door on our relationship in March of last year by deleting him from FB. He reopened the door a crack later in  April by sending me a LinkedIn request, which I accepted. He then began emailing me on a sporadic basis. The emails were usually congenial, although sometimes he would "gush" with positive regard toward me. I became comfortable with this arrangement, especially since he has not tried to see me, or make any serious attempt to talk to me via phone, just occasional hang up calls.

In December I developed two health issues, one which required surgery, and the other which was potentially life threatening. Because we run in similar circles socially and professionally, I emailed him to let him know before he heard it from someplace else. His response was full of great emotion, and he asked me to keep him updated. I decided to add him back to FB too.

I finally got word late yesterday that I no longer need to be concerned for anything life threatening. I sent him a brief email to let him know. I also sent brief emails and texts to others.

He responded to me immediately. His response was also brief, and ended with this statement.

"Have a blessed life." (smiley face).

I have no idea what to make of this. That statement without the smiley face means "thanks, now get lost." I guess that smiley face is meant to somehow soften that message, but strikes me as completely schizophrenic.

Anyone have a clue what it is supposed to mean?

[Blessed0329]

My BPD ex and I have not had face-to-face or phone contact for 1-1/2 years. I closed the door on our relationship in March of last year by deleting him from FB. He reopened the door a crack later in  April by sending me a LinkedIn request, which I accepted. He then began emailing me on a sporadic basis. The emails were usually congenial, although sometimes he would "gush" with positive regard toward me. I became comfortable with this arrangement, especially since he has not tried to see me, or make any serious attempt to talk to me via phone, just occasional hang up calls.

In December I developed two health issues, one which required surgery, and the other which was potentially life threatening. Because we run in similar circles socially and professionally, I emailed him to let him know before he heard it from someplace else. His response was full of great emotion, and he asked me to keep him updated. I decided to add him back to FB too.

I finally got word late yesterday that I no longer need to be concerned for anything life threatening. I sent him a brief email to let him know. I also sent brief emails and texts to others.

He responded to me immediately. His response was also brief, and ended with this statement.

"Have a blessed life." (smiley face).

I have no idea what to make of this. That statement without the smiley face means "thanks, now get lost." I guess that smiley face is meant to somehow soften that message, but strikes me as completely schizophrenic.

Anyone have a clue what it is supposed to mean?

[willy45]

holy cow. That's weird. Who knows. A normal response would be: 'I'm so glad' or 'I'm happy that you are OK'. 'Have a blessed life (smiley face)? That's so weird. Sorry... . it's so weird it is kind of funny... .

[trappedinlove]

"Have a blessed life." (smiley face).

My interpretation would be that he really wishes you well but wants to remain distant.

[Infared]

"Have a blessed life." (smiley face).

My interpretation would be that he really wishes you well but wants to remain distant.

I agree with Trapped ... . your ex is awkwardly keeping his space from you  but trying to be supportive.

[schwing]

Hi Blessed0329,

My BPD ex and I have not had face-to-face or phone contact for 1-1/2 years. I closed the door on our relationship in March of last year by deleting him from FB. He reopened the door a crack later in  April by sending me a LinkedIn request, which I accepted.

He knocked on the door, which you closed, by sending you a LinkedIn request.  *You* reopened the door a crack (or perhaps more than a crack) by accepting his request.  You closed the door, but chose to reopen it.

He then began emailing me on a sporadic basis. The emails were usually congenial, although sometimes he would "gush" with positive regard toward me. I became comfortable with this arrangement, especially since he has not tried to see me, or make any serious attempt to talk to me via phone, just occasional hang up calls.

You became comfortable with this "arrangement" because his emails were limited to his "idealization" phrase (which is every bit still a part of his disorder).  It is the idealization splitting, that opens us up to the devaluation splitting; you cannot get one without (eventually) getting the other. 

You became comfortable (again) with re-engaging with him.  I thought it was your intention to *dis-engage* from him?

In December I developed two health issues, one which required surgery, and the other which was potentially life threatening. Because we run in similar circles socially and professionally, I emailed him to let him know before he heard it from someplace else. His response was full of great emotion, and he asked me to keep him updated. I decided to add him back to FB too.

I finally got word late yesterday that I no longer need to be concerned for anything life threatening. I sent him a brief email to let him know. I also sent brief emails and texts to others.

He responded to me immediately. His response was also brief, and ended with this statement.

"Have a blessed life." (smiley face).

I have no idea what to make of this. That statement without the smiley face means "thanks, now get lost." I guess that smiley face is meant to somehow soften that message, but strikes me as completely schizophrenic.

Anyone have a clue what it is supposed to mean?

Here's how I see it.  When you informed him of your health issues, I imagined this triggered his fear of abandonment -- because even the possibility of death, is perceived as "abandonment."  So probably immediately have his response which was fully of great emotion, he also devalued you and decided to abandon you before you could abandon him (by dying).

By the time you informed him of your good news, he already distanced himself from you emotionally.

So you got comfortable with his idealization, just in time to become re-acquainted with his devaluation.

What is your intention in terms of re-engaging, dis-engaging with him?

Best wishes, Schwing

[Blessed0329]

Thanks for the replies Willy, Trapped, and Infrared.

Schwing, you raise interesting points. Your explanation of his abandonment fear makes so much sense. We had some email contact in between my announcement to him and this latest strange response. In his first reply about my health, as I said, he asked me to keep him informed. The second email to him was about two weeks after the first. He did not reply for 8 days, and that reply was very stiff and stilted. My third email came about a month later. He did not reply to that one at all.

Went I went into surgery April 1, I posted this on FB. He was one of many well-wishers. We had no direct contact since then until this last email exchange.

My reply to him was this: My life is abundantly blessed, my brother. You have a blessed life as well.

Schwing, you ask why I reopened the door. I miss him. I don't miss crazy, and for whatever reason I trigger crazy in him. He is able to function mostly normally day to day. I am aware that he has alienated several long term colleagues and friends since he returned to the clergy. But he has attracted lots of new adoring followers as well. So he can function well enough to be successful professionally.

I have received a few emails from him full of idealization. I have tended to disregard this, because I know it's not real. I look at it as overblown rhetoric. Your theory of the devaluing makes sense to me, especially in light of his behaviors. I think the intent of the smiley face was to ask me not to be mad at him for telling me goodbye.

So, what do I do? I really don't want to close that door, but I also don't want a real relationship with him. I thought the email/FB approach kind of solved my dilemma. I will plan not to initiate contact with him, but I know he will at some point.

[Indigo Sky]

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

Return to no contact.

Focus on YOU

[Blessed0329]

Thanks, Indigo. I hope the day will come when I no longer care about him.

[woodsposse]

He responded to me immediately. His response was also brief, and ended with this statement.

"Have a blessed life." (smiley face).

Anyone have a clue what it is supposed to mean?

Yeah, it means "have a blessed life".

Why do you think it means anything more than what it says? 

[Blessed0329]

Because that typically means "go away now." The smiley face is what has me confused.

[heartandwhole]

So, what do I do? I really don't want to close that door, but I also don't want a real relationship with him.

Hi Blessed,

What kind of relationship would you like with him?  Ask yourself if it's realistic and healthy for you. 

Thanks, Indigo. I hope the day will come when I no longer care about him.

I totally understand this statement.  Do you really want to stop caring, though, or to feel more detached?

[Blessed0329]

Heart, the relationship I truly want with him is not possible. I do love him. Most of that love is a brother-sister thing. There is also the sexual chemistry we have, which I believe is the main reason he had kept his distance from me physically. I have accepted this is best for us both, but it has frustrated me that he is not able to set the attraction aside and continue a friendship. I don't know if his inability is because he is male, because he has BPD, or both. When he began emailing me last year I thought at first that maybe we could do this friendship long distance, via email. His emails to me, which swing from effusive to stiff, indicate he may not be ale to do this, either.

As for the second part, I do feel more detached, much more than I did. If we met face to face, however, I doubt I would still feel this detached. I do wish I could reach a point where he no longer really matters to me.

[schwing]

Schwing, you ask why I reopened the door. I miss him. I don't miss crazy, and for whatever reason I trigger crazy in him.

Don't blame yourself.  It isn't you that triggers his crazy, it's "intimacy" in general that triggers his issues that have nothing to do with you; you (or anyone who gets close enough to him) are just the catalyst.

He is able to function mostly normally day to day. I am aware that he has alienated several long term colleagues and friends since he returned to the clergy. But he has attracted lots of new adoring followers as well. So he can function well enough to be successful professionally.

One doesn't need to deal with intimacy on a day to day basis.  It is only when familiarity develops, such as with long term associations and when friendships deepen, then this connections can become an issue for people with BPD (pwBPD).  PwBPD can be very high functioning professionally.  And you can have pretty professionally rewarding affiliations with pwBPD, so long as you maintain your emotional distance. 

I have received a few emails from him full of idealization. I have tended to disregard this, because I know it's not real.

It is real.  The feelings pwBPD experience when they idealize and devalue people, are real.  They are just subject to change in a way that non-disordered people do not generally experience.  It's as much an aspect of their disorder as is the devaluation.

So, what do I do? I really don't want to close that door, but I also don't want a real relationship with him. I thought the email/FB approach kind of solved my dilemma. I will plan not to initiate contact with him, but I know he will at some point.

What you do is up to you.  Some people are able to maintain a distant relationship.  And some people are not able to do so.  I couldn't do so with some of my BPD loved ones and I went NC, for my own reasons. 

Heart, the relationship I truly want with him is not possible. I do love him. Most of that love is a brother-sister thing. There is also the sexual chemistry we have, which I believe is the main reason he had kept his distance from me physically. I have accepted this is best for us both, but it has frustrated me that he is not able to set the attraction aside and continue a friendship.

I think it would be asking too much of someone with BPD, to observe boundaries and expect them to keep these boundaries when it doesn't suit them.  Again because of their splitting behaviors, it's either "all in" or "all out" there is no in between mode.

I do wish I could reach a point where he no longer really matters to me.

This is a worthwhile goal.  Just respect your limitations until this goal is met.  If you know that contact with him is only going to stoke fires you want to put out, then stop stoking the fires.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Blessed0329]

Thank you, Schwing, you have been very helpful.

After 4 years of experience with my friend, and all that I have learned about BPD, I still get surprised when he acts/reacts like someone who suffers with BPD rather than like 99% of the rest of the people I know. I doubt I will ever really understand him.

[seeking balance]

Thank you, Schwing, you have been very helpful.

After 4 years of experience with my friend, and all that I have learned about BPD, I still get surprised when he acts/reacts like someone who suffers with BPD rather than like 99% of the rest of the people I know. I doubt I will ever really understand him.

Radical Acceptance of the facts rather than trying to totally understand every detail helps me keep it more depersonalized... . but that doesn't mean my feelings don't get hurt at times.

Schwing detailed the BPD part great for you - overall, focusing on you and your feelings, your feelings were hurt and from the lessons of the staying board, realistic  expectations is really a key in these friendships or relationship.

Peace,

SB

[willy45]

Yeah. The smiley face is confusing. Perhaps he doesn't know the context of how emoticons are used? For example: 'Have a Blessed life.  '

I don't know. It's weird though for sure. I'm not sure you will really know what it means. The strangest part of this I think and the struggle I have with similarly odd things from my ex is that not even my ex knows what it means. That's the crazy part. I'm sure you ex doesn't know either. It probably made sense at the time to him but if you asked him about it, he would probably freak out and probably because he doesn't know either!

It reminds me of this time when I was lying in bed with my ex and she wanted to have sex. We were making out and she went from sex kitten, to loving, to dirty, to gloomy, to sad, and back to sex kitten in the span of 3 minutes. I was just lying there and watching it on her face. I told her to stop making out with me because I found it confusing. Her answer: "If you think it's confusing, how do you think I feel?".

The point is, they have no idea. You have no idea. Nobody has any idea. There are no answers. And that is the part that really, really sucks. It's hard to not understand. But perhaps the greater understanding is that there is no understanding and there never will be. You can never go to the source to find out because that source doesn't know themselves.

In movies, there is a type of narrative called the 'untrustworthy narrative'. The stories are told through the voice of a character. In most movies, if the character is narrating, we implicitly trust what the character is saying as truth. Think 'The Sixth Sense', or 'The Usual Suspects' or 'Fight Club'. You go along with the movie and the narrator and the whole world seems to be true from the narrators perspective. But as you go, you start to realize that something isn't right. You been seeing the world and told how it is from a narrator that isn't trustworthy. The sense of reality comes crashing down and you are forced to see the past in a new lens with the new knowledge that the person who led you down this path did not have a firm grasp on reality. This is the same thing here. It is frustrating. It is confusing. It is angering. But, it is the way it is. The only thing to do is accept that the narrator (in this case your ex) is not trustworthy in the sense that you will never, ever know what or why he says or does something. The scary part is that neither will they.

[Blessed0329]

Seeking Balance and Willy, thank you both as well for your comments. I think I will switch to the staying board, since I plan to continue the email/FB relationship, even though to me this isn't much of a relationship at all.

One last question. As I said before, my friend and I have had no real contact in a year and a half. By real I mean face to face or telephone. Does the fact that electronic communication still triggers him so badly mean there is little hope for a future for us?