Anyone else get harped on for Mother's Day?

[Coraline.]

Been NC for 4 years now with BPDMother. She always causes drama around mother's day. She called my Dad (been divorced and remarried now for a very long time) and went on and on ugh.

Dad guilt tripped me on mother's day, says it's time to let it go? Like seriously. Im not holding onto anything.

I knew I wouldnt get out of the day without at least one person. My mom called him, she always causes drama on Mother's day. She said she doesnt even know what she did wrong. *face palm* and I was told it's time to put it to rest. I told Dad, for me, it is to rest. I don't think about her. If she feels bad for how she treated me, that's on her. But she'll never change, and her missing me, I'm not going to let her into my life to appease some ideal. I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. I am happy. I want to stay that way.

See I dont live every day hating on her, or thinking of her, or dragging around mommy issues. I just have a life. Without her. And I'm happy that way. She has had 4 years so far now, to get help, to take her meds, to go to therapy, to go to AA and DO something, but she did not. If it was my dad I'd cut out, he'd have moved heaven and earth to earn me back. But my mom loves me, as is written in Coraline (a good book for daughters of BPD moms), like a dragon loves it's treasure. She is not capable of the regular kind of motherly love. She isn't. Every book about mom's with BPD says no contact is the best situation for both. I enable her when she's in my life by trying to constantly damage control. My whole life has changed so much the second I cut her out, I started blooming. Everything turned around. I'm not going to crush myself because some people don't like the idea.

I just get tired of trying to justify myself. if I had a dead beat dad and cut him out, people would support me without a blink. but no, you only have one mother. Well sorry, she only had one me.

He wants me to write a letter to her and I feel like all it'll do is pull up toxic stuff I have already worked so hard to let that stuff go. I thought about writing a letter last year then I found out about some awful stuff she did and I just didn't think I had any reason to right her a letter. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain by having any communication with her.

I used to have all these arguments rehearsed for when people bothered me about my mom. But I let them all go because I have truley moved on. Now I feel like I have to be on the defensive again.

[mywifecrazy]

I just get tired of trying to justify myself. if I had a dead beat dad and cut him out, people would support me without a blink. but no, you only have one mother. Well sorry, she only had one of me.

Thank you for posting this. You sound like you're in a place my kids might be in down the road. They are 14 & 9 and their uBPDmom has abandoned them to me. She only sees them every other weekend. You can see their resentment building in them.

I really appreciate the comment about how you always hear about deadbeat dads but not deadbeat mothers. Well there a tons of deadbeat mothers out there. And I'm glad to hear that your dad would do anything to keep you in his life. That's how I am with my boys! That's another thing you don't hear about, full time single dads. There are plenty of us out there too!

Hang in there. I know it hurts you about your mother but thank God it sounds like your Dad really cared about you... . Peace to You!

[czarsmom]

Hello Coraline, I'm sorry your dad is pressuring you and trying to manipulate you like this.  Thankfully, I didn't get harped on about mom's day.  I let my husband pick out a card from both of us, and I just sent it to her, with just both of our names on it.  I didn't call her or see her.  By the way, I'm a mother too, and I get to have a special day too.  It is really unfortunate that our society has so many myths and falsehoods about motherhood.  This idea that everyone HAS to love their mother and be around her is just ridiculous.  I had no choice in the matter of who was my mother, and mine was a monster to me.  

[coraliesolange]

I love the way you said this.  It makes so much sense to me.  She's your mother, just be nice to her.  No.  This is my life, I will live it how I choose and how I choose is free of abuse.  I go through angry periods but mostly I just forget her.  My dad has played the middle man always tried to reconcile us but he's gone now.  I didn't acknowledge mother's day, I won't acknowledge her birthday and no, I did not acknowledge her when she had her hip replaced.  She had a chance to make things right and instead she continued the abuse.  It's not up to me, or you, to feel bad or guilty for moving on to a better and safer place.  Maybe your dad's intentions are good and maybe they're not, but if you know in your heart that no contact is the best thing for you then you've got nothing at all to worry about.

[Sunnys Blues]

 It is really unfortunate that our society has so many myths and falsehoods about motherhood.  This idea that everyone HAS to love their mother and be around her is just ridiculous.  I had no choice in the matter of who was my mother, and mine was a monster to me.  

YES! Bless you for saying that, beautifully!  I'm adopted, so everyone thinks I must have the most wonderful, gracious, kind, loyal mother ever placed on this Earth!  The truth is, people who adopt can be just as messed up as people who have biological children.  I had no choice in who my birth mother was, why she gave me away, and why my parents adopted me!  I do have a choice in what I chose to do with my life.