Pain again

[Narellan]

I've felt like I've been doing better. I was even contemplating going to a social function on Saturday where I will know 30 or so women who will think it's odd if I'm not there. My ex best friend ( my replacement) will be there. I've been thinking on it all day whether I'm strong enough to keep my cool and avoid her. And out of the blue, after two weeks of NC she just text. " hi, just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing" . And I'm a blubbering mess again.

And that pain and sadness is all still there. Just sitting below the surface all the time. I won't reply I just want to tell someone how sad I feel.

I'm starting with T tomorro morning. I hope that will get me somewhere. And I'm still NC with my ex BPD so I guess that's a plus, but it sure doesn't feel like it today.

[Littleleft]

Hi Narellan

Well done for staying strong and sticking to the NC.  It's great that you're going to see a T too, I'm sure you'll start to feel the benefit of it soon and that it will help you to move foward.

Big hugs.

[sirius]

Narellan, pls don't be sad, all of these is none of your fault. Held your head high and for your ex to go with your ex best friend is not your fault.

If you think you want to go for that function, then go, do not let them or anyone stop you if you sincerely want to go. Unless you don't want to.

The function is not organized by them, its all your choice, if you go, just ignore them and have a good time with others

[Narellan]

Thanks guys, for your replies.

I understand what you're saying about being string and living how I normally would. But there's no way I can go anywhere where my former best friend will be ATM . I thought I could, I was playing out scenarios in my head if how to avoid her. But yesterday after she text I realised there's no way I can yet without being overwhelmed by grief. The pain she's caused me by betraying me in that way just makes me profoundly sad. One text from her has caused me so much pain. I simply don't think I can control it for hours and pretend like I'm ok.

She wants to remain friends,begged me to reconsider my decision to end the friendship. But she doesn't think I know about their secret friendship and I know now with all this sadness, I won't be able to contain it.

I'm seeing my T today for the first time in 2 years since my marriage breakup. I'm in a much worse place now. I'm avoiding everything apart from work and what I need to do for my kids. I'm isolated, my choice, it's a struggle to go to the supermarket. I just don't want to speak to anyone or bump into people I know. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other ATM . And here I am, woken by tears again at 4 am writing on this site.

I'm looking forward to T appointment today so much like my life depends on it.

[Littleleft]

I know it must feel awful at the moment, but what you are going through is part of the process of grieving for your relationship - you will come out of the other side, and your T will no doubt help you a lot with that. 

I hope your appointment goes well today 

[clairedair]

Hi Narellan,

Sounds like you are managing work and being there as much as you can for your kids.  In the circumstances, that's still a lot - in effect you've had a double bereavement (loss of ex and of friend) and a double betrayal. So you need to conserve all your mental, emotional and physical energy.  Hard to do when you are not sleeping. 

Would going to the function make it more or less likely that you'd feel better - not just at the time but afterwards?  You are the priority in this (and your children).

I was desperate to go to a wedding not long after exH remarried (quickly).  Long-time mutual friend of ours.  Gave myself a hard time trying to decide what to do.  In the end, I knew by my reaction to contact with him that there was no way I could sit through the event without a 'backlash' afterwards (a bit like you realising that the text caused pain).  I spent the day making a gift for the couple and the day after catching up with friends I'd not seen in ages who'd travelled to attend wedding and were staying on a few days.   I then met my friend when he got back his honeymoon and heard about the day from him.  I sometimes resent that I wasn't a part of it all but I know it was the right decision for me at the time.

And that's all we can do.  Make the decision that's right for us at the time.  It's not about what you should do or what others expect you to do or what others think.  It's not about 'being strong'.  It's about looking after yourself and grieving and healing.  Hope all goes well with T.

take care,

Claire

[Narellan]

Thanks guys. And Claire I don't think I can go. I wanted to. U wanted to because I want him to hear back that I'm living and moving on. And I wanted to avoid the barrage of " where were you texts" as I haven't seen these friends for over a month. But for myself, the pain is too overwhelming. I can't see or hear from her. And I know I can't really control the tears at the moment, because I cry when I'm asleep and wake up to tears.

Not all the time, mostly I feel ok. But if I let myself go, I can't stop.

I need to sit this one out. Thank you so much for your wedding story. Xx

[AwakenedOne]

Thanks guys. And Claire I don't think I can go. I wanted to. U wanted to because I want him to hear back that I'm living and moving on. And I wanted to avoid the barrage of " where were you texts" as I haven't seen these friends for over a month. But for myself, the pain is too overwhelming. I can't see or hear from her. And I know I can't really control the tears at the moment, because I cry when I'm asleep and wake up to tears.

Not all the time, mostly I feel ok. But if I let myself go, I can't stop.

I need to sit this one out. Thank you so much for your wedding story. Xx

Narellen,

I think I'd do the same as you. Seems like you think there is a more chance of pain and unease than having fun at the social event. Hang in there. Remember you are the one that didn't do anything wrong. If you need space from her or both of them take it, you deserve it. Trust your gut instinct. I hope you have a nice day today with calm thoughts unrelated to those two. 

Peace,

AO

[Narellan]

I'm so glad you're still here AO, your words always bring me comfort and strength.

I have my first T appointment in an hour and I can't wait to talk all this pain out.

Sometimes the sadness is just so overwhelming I don't know what to do . I am truly grateful for you and everyone else on here that takes the time to share their thoughts. Tank you AO from the bottom of what's left of my heart

[Perdita]

She wants to remain friends,begged me to reconsider my decision to end the friendship. But she doesn't think I know about their secret friendship and I know now with all this sadness, I won't be able to contain it.

Why don't you want her to know that you know about them?

It's a pity that you will be missing out on the function, but it is probably best to stay away if she will be there too.  Maybe she texted you in the hopes of finding out whether or not you will be attending?  It kind of sounds like she feels guilty and it might even be that she is already having second thoughts about being with him.  It's wrong what she did to you, but she is now another one of his victims regardless of whether or not she realizes it yet. 

[Narellan]

Well I just finished with my T. And it was great to talk to her. Ill see her again in a couple of weeks. What she suggested is just to say " I believe that your having contact with him behind my back and that's put a wedge in our friendship, and I don't want friends in my life that are untrustworthy " I think that sounds good, because I'm not saying I know they are. I don't have to say I hacked his FB messages. Just say it as a feeling more than a fact . I think this will help me to get some peace. No big deal about the function. It's ladies day at the local footy club, and I'm part organiser ( have for 3 yrs) there will be 80 or so women, most that I know. It's a once a year thing and I had already bought a new dress for it, but I don't want to be a blubbering mess. So ill just go into work instead.

[Emelie Emelie]

Honey you do whatever you need to take care of yourself.  I'm glad you and your T came up with a strategy to confront her on her involvement with your X in a way that feels safe to you.  It will be interesting to see how she responds.

[Narellan]

Yes it gives me a way if addressing it but I'm thinking long and hard about whether to bring him into it or not. I'm scared if I say that to her she will stop talking to him and he'll get Afro with me for putting a wedge between them. Plus she deserves him. I don't want to cause unnecessary drama/ conflict when I've already got what I want which is both of them out of my life. It's given me an option if she keeps pushing to be friends again tho. But at this stage I'd rather just get on with life without them

Thank you all xx

[clairedair]

It's a once a year thing and I had already bought a new dress for it,

If it's once a year, save the dress for next year   

Won't seem like it now in the midst of the worst pain imaginable, but things will be different by then. 

Good to hear that your session with T was positive. 

Claire